Dave grabs
the sleeve of John’s tux in his sweaty palm, and the two of them
fly to the top of the nearest tower. John glances at him en route,
and the look on Dave’s face strikes him as that of a man condemned
to death.
The stars stand out along the skyline, so bright in this new
world that the outline of every constellation is crisp and clear,
even in the middle of the city.
Dave cups his hands over his knees and stares straight
ahead.
DAVE: yo john what do you think about me and
karkat
JOHN: um...
JOHN: you two are pretty cute together, i
guess?
DAVE: together
DAVE: i need you to be way more specific here
JOHN: oh, ok.
JOHN: hmm. i guess i’d have to say that you’re both
cute individually when you’re with each other, and you make cute
friends, which is why you’re cute together. something about it just
works!
JOHN: i feel like i’m saying cute a lot here.
JOHN: for the record, i don’t mean you’re cute as
an individual. no offense.
JOHN: alone, you’re just dave.
JOHN: but together, yeah. you guys are cute.
DAVE: together
DAVE: you mean
DAVE: like a couple
Dave says this so neutrally that John has no
idea how to read it, despite having years of practice reading
Dave’s many neutral tones.
JOHN: er... yes.
JOHN: that’s exactly what i mean.
DAVE: why
JOHN: didn’t i just explain it? good friends make
good partners!
JOHN: you’re similar in all the right ways, and
different in all the even more right ways.
JOHN: you two balance each other out and keep each
other from going off the rails, like when you were kids.
DAVE: huh
JOHN: you were both kinda... crazy when we were
kids? again, no offense.
DAVE: thats not what i was saying huh about
JOHN: oh.
DAVE: i was saying huh because that sure was a
coherent egbertian thesis on the state of the davekat situation
JOHN: well, i’ve thought about it that way for a
long time. i think it’s what everyone else thinks too.
DAVE: i dont know
DAVE: if id been thinking about it that way i
wouldnt be in the mess im in right now
JOHN: you’re in a mess?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: theres a metric fucking ton of shit about to
come down on me because i dragged my heels on doing some serious
self reflection
JOHN: is this just some more stuff about...
JOHN: being gay?
DAVE: maybe yeah
DAVE: ok definitely yeah
DAVE: its 110% about being gay
JOHN: i thought you’d already worked all that stuff
out?
DAVE: turns out it takes a long time to figure out
your sexuality after a childhood filled with repression and
abuse
JOHN: dave...
DAVE: i mean yeah i woke the hell up to my inner
potential for gayness in a big way
DAVE: but then i just kind of pressed the snooze
button and rolled back over because we kinda had to fight all those
jacks and also create society
JOHN: holy fucking shit.
JOHN: there’s a gay snooze button?
DAVE: yeah man theres a gay snooze button
JOHN: wow.
DAVE: when i was having my gay coolboy awakening it
wasnt a full no homo but it was at least a quarter no homo
DAVE: if i hadnt done that then instead of talking
to you about this id be at home right now
DAVE: uh
DAVE: kissing karkat probably
JOHN: i don’t get this dave. am i your gay
confessor or something?
JOHN: you don’t need my blessing to go kiss karkat.
in fact, i was pretty sure you were already kissing karkat!
DAVE: nope
JOHN: in that case, as the lord pope of dave’s
fully awakened gaydom i give you my blessing to immediately leave
and rectify that as soon as possible!
JOHN: go now my child, and kiss karkat right on the
lips!!!
DAVE: ok as much as i appreciate how weird a thing
that was to say
DAVE: its not that simple
JOHN: i might not exactly be the expert, but
kissing seems pretty easy, dave.
JOHN: i’m sure it gets more complicated in the
later stages obviously, but i think you can figure out how to get
your lips on his without much trouble.
DAVE: no i mean like
Dave makes a couple truly useless hand
gestures.
DAVE: in the greater fabric of our weird incestuous
social group
DAVE: it might be the wrong move i think
JOHN: how so?
DAVE: because
DAVE: ...
DAVE: jade
John bites his lip. Oh boy. That’s a
complicated problem all right. He loves his sister, but she’s
developed a bad habit of sometimes approaching delicate social
situations with all the grace of an elephant stumbling around in a
dark room.
JOHN: right.
JOHN: i almost managed to forget that she was
trying to fuck you and karkat.
Dave snaps his head around to stare at John in
shock.
DAVE: wait you knew about that
JOHN: uh, yeah?
JOHN: did you not?
DAVE: of course i knew about it
DAVE: i was lookin at the whole thing through
several complicated layers of conscious denial but i knew
DAVE: its just that you like
DAVE: never leave your house
JOHN: well it probably helps that jade literally
said the words to me... and i may be paraphrasing here, but...
JOHN: “hey john, i’m gonna fuck dave and
karkat!”
DAVE: wtf she said that to you
DAVE: what did you say
JOHN: i dunno, it was a while ago. probably that it
was a bad idea.
JOHN: but i thought it was kinda obvious... she’s
always had a crush on you, dave.
DAVE: yeah i know
He sighs and hangs his head, leaning forward
with his elbows crossed over his thighs. The angle he’s at gives
John a good look at his eyes, which are boring a deep, miserable
hole to the center of the Earth right now.
DAVE: thats why i think that i should
DAVE: give it a try i guess
JOHN: give what a try? dating jade?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: and karkat
JOHN: oh man, dave. i don’t know. that sounds like
it could really blow up in your face.
DAVE: yeah thats why im kinda freaking out right
now if you didnt notice
JOHN: sorry dude it’s just... do you even like
jade?
DAVE: of course i do shes one of my best
friends
JOHN: no i meant... do you LIKE-like her?
DAVE: oh my god john youre twenty three years old
can you at least pretend to talk like a grown man
JOHN: ok dave, god!
JOHN: are you IN LOVE with jade?
Dave doesn’t answer. His silence says a lot,
John thinks.
JOHN: ...are you in love with karkat?
DAVE: thats
DAVE: thats a big fucking question
DAVE: thats the biggest fucking question that ever
got asked
DAVE: its like the paleolithic megafauna of
questions like its so familiar but your eyes just glaze over it in
denial because its too fucking big
DAVE: why did megalodon sharks need to have such
big jaws john
JOHN: uh... to eat smaller sharks?
DAVE: ive never been so fucking terrified by a
question in my entire life
DAVE: seriously my heart is pounding so hard right
now that i feel like im gonna hurl
JOHN: well, doesn’t that answer the question?
DAVE: nah because
DAVE: because its not like i feel nothing for
jade
DAVE: in fact i feel a whole lot of things for
her
DAVE: too many to just tell her off after all this
time
DAVE: i mean she spent all those years alone on the
ship and i know she missed me
DAVE: and then davesprite died
DAVE: or turned into fucking davepeta i was never
clear exactly on what happened there
DAVE: and god knows he didnt make any attempt to
clear the fucking air with her
DAVE: but when i think about it neither did i
DAVE: so maybe im just a huge asshole whos been
leading her on for like a whole goddamn decade at this point
DAVE: and if i have been dont i owe it to her to at
least try
JOHN: if that’s your logic dave, then haven’t you
been leading karkat on too?
JOHN: doesn’t he deserve the same chance?
JOHN: i mean, if you think it’s the kind of
decision you can lay on another person like this...
JOHN: why don’t you just flip a coin?
DAVE: ...
He tilts his face so that he can give John a
look. The corner of his lip quirks ambiguously.
DAVE: have you been talking to terezi
JOHN: um...
DAVE: damn i thought she ghosted everyone
JOHN: not me... i guess?
DAVE: huh
DAVE: anyway
DAVE: i know you thought that sounded like a
totally cool thing to say but i dont really think you grasp the
full metaphysical implications of whatever youre quoting there
Dave sits up and leans back on his palms, his
voice sounding lighter in a subtle, almost ephemeral way now that
the subject’s changed to something as easy as metaphysics. He
catches John’s gaze and makes a rolling gesture with his hand,
miming the way a practiced magician would flick a coin over their
thumb.
DAVE: do you know what a coin flip is
DAVE: like universally i mean in the grand scale of
all this time space infinite string theory bullshit were always
dealing with
JOHN: of course!
JOHN: it’s like when you know that you’ve already
made a decision you’re reluctant about, and need an outside force
to show you how you really feel?
DAVE: no dude thats dumb
DAVE: you should know this cause youve done the
retcon thing
JOHN: what does that have to do with flipping
coins?
DAVE: ok so every time you flip a coin youre
creating an alternate timeline right
DAVE: one where it lands heads and one where it
lands tails
DAVE: but while the coin is flipping both
possibilities exist simultaneously
JOHN: but what if you knew for sure that you’d make
the same decision no matter which side landed up?
DAVE: you cant
JOHN: so... it’s like the coin never lands
then?
DAVE: sure
JOHN: then if you dated *both* jade and karkat it’d
be like you’re winning the schrodinger’s cat paradox.
DAVE: uh yeah thats another theoretical paradox
that i think you gotta read up on a bit more there buddy
JOHN: i probably won’t, but ok.
DAVE: fair enough
DAVE: but yes metaphysics aside me dating both jade
and karkat at the same time literally is the issue at hand and it
is that with which i currently and explicitly struggle
JOHN: yeah.
JOHN: sure seems that way.
DAVE: so...
JOHN: i dunno, dave.
JOHN: this all just... it doesn’t sound *right* to
me.
John thinks about the speech Rose gave him
that morning on her couch, about canon veracity and the validity or
nonvalidity of subjective actions the further they get away from
the “intended” sequence of events. Something about... pillars? What
is essential, true, and relevant. He remembers those three words,
but no other contextual remarks which bind them. That conversation
seems so very long ago now.
JOHN: i mean... it doesn’t sound...
JOHN: *canon*?
DAVE: ugh not you too
DAVE: rose is always going on about canon
DAVE: i dont give a fuck about canon
JOHN: then what DO you give a fuck about?
Dave sighs and runs a hand through his
hair.
DAVE: doing the right thing
DAVE: i guess
JOHN: this doesn’t seem hard to me at all,
dave!
JOHN: go home right now and tell karkat how you
feel.
DAVE: look i
DAVE: i cant
DAVE: if i did that it would be like
DAVE: like
JOHN: like what, dave? like you would be really
happy, and karkat would also be really happy?
DAVE: ugh im not explaining myself right i need
to
Dave staggers uneasily to his feet, staring
way past John like he’s looking into the infinity of his own soul
right now. John’s never seen him so scared, and it’s over what
seems like a pretty easy choice as far as John’s concerned. It sure
isn’t easy for him, though. John guesses this is what it means to
be a friend. It means being the guy who understands when easy isn’t
actually that easy.
DAVE: i have to... talk to dirk i think
JOHN: uh, ok?
John wonders when talking to Dirk has fixed
anything for anyone.
He’s about to ask what exactly it is he needs to talk to Dirk
about, but then remembers what he saw when he went back to fetch
Gamzee’s fridge in the Medium: Dirk and Dave hugging on the edge of
the roof, sharing something private and mysterious, the sort of
thing that can only happen between two people whose personalities
are cracked in the same way. It’s not something John’s ever had, so
it’s not something he can understand. An uncomfortable silence
lingers between the two of them. Before John can fill it with some
stupid words, he hears Roxy calling up to him from below. He pops
his head over the roof and waves at her.
JOHN: what’s up?
ROXY: yo boys not to interrupt but we got kicked
outta the restaurant for not ordering
JOHN: what? really?
JOHN: what’s even the point of being famous if that
can happen?
ROXY: lmao i know right
ROXY: told u i wasnt classy enough for the
joint
ROXY: i got all these breadsticks tho so we can
reconvene in the park
ROXY: totes romantic
ROXY: ten minutes, what u say
JOHN: uh, sounds good! i’ll see you there soon!
She grins up at John with shimmering, adoring
eyes. They’re reflecting every star in the sky, all for him. It
makes his heart do a weird somersault. It tries to flip frontways,
then backwards, and ends up landing on its face instead. He’s
feeling too many contradictory things right now. When he turns to
look at Dave again, he’s practically translucent. Barely there,
half out the door emotionally. John feels like he could have done
more, like this whole conversation was sand running through his
fingers. It itches at the back of his head, the idea that he might
have just fucked up Dave’s entire life.
JOHN: i’m... sorry i couldn’t help.
DAVE: nah dude its not your fault
Dave gives him a light bro-punch in the arm
and tries to smile.