Three
months later, John is still thinking about his last conversation
with Terezi. It’s kind of impossible not to, when Rose and Kanaya
keep saying the name “Vriska” every five minutes. He really thought
they were done with hearing about Vriska all the time, but
apparently Rose and Kanaya were intent on breathing new life into
that tradition.
ROSE: Vriska, don’t chew on your chair’s dinner
tray.
KANAYA: Darling She Is Only A Grub She Hasnt Yet
Grown Her Aural Canals
ROSE: Yes, but I believe strongly that we should
get in the habit of speaking to her like an adult. It will be good
for her social development.
KANAYA: Is That How Your Mother Raised You
ROSE: I would have loved it if my mother spoke more
frankly with me. But she was...
ROSE: Let’s just say, a rather awkward person.
ROSE: Er. No offense, Roxy.
ROXY: lmao none taken
ROXY: i cant even imagine all the ways id fuck up a
kid in a timeline where i didnt sort out my drinking tbh
ROSE: Oh, you weren’t awful.
ROSE: I just have...
ROSE: How do you always put it, dear?
KANAYA: A Penchant For Melodrama
ROXY: well yeah
ROXY: ur dad made sure he got some of himself in
u
ROSE: I suppose he did.
And then everyone in the room observes a
moment of silence for their dear, departed friend, Dirk Strider.
Except for John, who takes advantage of the solemn distraction to
anxiously tap at his phone. He’d sent Terezi a text an hour ago,
when Roxy was fixing her makeup in her compact. He’s not sure why
he feels the need to hide the fact that he’s talking to her. It’s
not like there’s anything untoward about what he’s doing. Just
texting an old friend. What’s wrong with that? Nothing at all, he
thinks, as he closely monitors his silent, praying wife, ready to
stash the phone in his pocket the moment she shows the slightest
sign of movement.
She lifts her head to speak. He’s like Houdini with that
phone.
ROXY: damn i still cant believe dirks gone tho
ROSE: Yes, it was so sudden.
ROSE: But the best we can do to honor him is simply
to move on with our lives.
ROSE: I’m sure it’s what he would have wanted.
JOHN: huh?
John shoots Rose a weird look. She smiles back
benignly, then goes to collect her troll daughter from her booster
seat. She holds baby Vriska close to her chest and leans over to
give Kanaya a kiss on the cheek. The precious grub is framed
between them, and the two wives are ringed in a halo of pale light
at the peak of this magical moment. It should be a beautiful image,
but something about it roils John’s gut. Rose sits back down,
cradles Vriska in one arm, and begins to unbutton the top of her
shirt with the other. John instinctively finds something else to
look at. Anything. His fidgeting hands will do.
KANAYA: Have You Two Thought About What To Name
Your Grubs
ROXY: its just one grub lol
KANAYA: Oh Thats A Relief
KANAYA: Ive Actually Been Very Worried About Your
Wellbeing Considering How Human Grubs Are Born
ROXY: errrr
ROXY: why
KANAYA: Well Dont They Have To Eat Their Way Out
Of The Womb
ROSE: Kanaya...
KANAYA: Its What Karkat Told Me
ROSE: Karkat gets all his information on humanity
from the movies. And Dave, which is even worse than the movies.
JOHN: wait a fucking minute.
JOHN: what MOVIES are they watching??
ROSE: Nothing too graphically misleading, I
suspect.
ROSE: I equally suspect that any time there’s a
human birthing moment on camera, Karkat probably turns away, too
disgusted to watch, while Dave continues filling his ear with more
lies about human biology.
JOHN: lol.
KANAYA: Then
KANAYA: I Was Given Inaccurate Information
ROSE: Yes.
KANAYA: Whew
ROSE: If that was true, how would our species have
survived? We would have had a one hundred percent maternal
mortality rate during childbirth.
KANAYA: Yes I Forgot How Primitive Medical
Technology Was On Your Planet
KANAYA: Then How Are Humans Born
ROSE: Use your head for a moment, darling.
KANAYA: ...
KANAYA: ...
KANAYA: Oh I See
ROXY: lmao
JOHN: um.
ROSE: I’m sorry, John. All this girl talk must be
making you uncomfortable.
JOHN: can we change the subject to something less
gross and weird?
ROXY: pff
ROXY: wuss
JOHN: so...
JOHN: is vriska really the name you’re going
with?
Kanaya gives John an inquisitive, wide-eyed
look. As if there could be no conceivable reason for someone to ask
this question.
KANAYA: Yes Of Course
ROSE: Why would we change her name when she’s
nearly a year old?
JOHN: well it’s not like it would hurt or anything.
didn’t kanaya just say she doesn’t have ears yet?
ROXY: omg john dont be rude
JOHN: i’m not trying to be rude!
JOHN: i just think it’s a little... weird.
KANAYA: I Dont See Why I Mean She Is Practically
A Clone Of Vriska
JOHN: uh, yeah kanaya, i know.
JOHN: that’s why it’s weird!
ROSE: I appreciate your concern, John. But it’s not
that weird to name a child after an important figure from your
youth.
ROSE: What were you thinking of naming your own
child?
John hesitates, adjusts his glasses for want
of something to do with his hands. This is a conversation he’s been
dragging his heels on for months. Back when Roxy first got pregnant
it was all they talked about it, but now that she’s so close to the
due date, all the subject does is make his pulse go shaky.
JOHN: um...
ROXY: harry anderson egbert
JOHN: roxy! we hadn’t...
JOHN: i mean, i didn’t think we were decided on
that.
ROXY: i dunno you seemed p set on it
He was. What’s bugging him about it is that
Roxy didn’t seem to have any suggestions of her own. Rose stops
breastfeeding Vriska, and hands her off to Kanaya. She comes to sit
beside John, setting a hand on his knee. She speaks kindly.
ROSE: Wasn’t that the guy from Night Court?
JOHN: yeah.
JOHN: which was...
ROSE: A show that reminds you of your father.
JOHN: ...
ROSE: I think that in this new world we’ve created,
it’s important to carry the torch of what we’ve left behind us.
ROSE: We must name the next generation for the
fallen heroes that we admire.
JOHN: wait. we ADMIRE vriska now?
ROSE: It’s true that Vriska was a controversial
figure even at the best of times, but...
ROSE: She did defeat Lord English, John.
This remark seems to cure John of his shaky
pulse problem, if only because for a moment his heart seems to stop
beating altogether. It shocks him in a way that causes him to feel
the planet turning under his feet. He whips his head up to look at
Rose intently. She seems alert. Her gaze is precise. She doesn’t
seem ill, or off, or confused at all.
JOHN: no she... didn’t?
JOHN: vriska didn’t defeat lord english.
Rose doesn’t say anything. No one says
anything.
JOHN: rose, no one knows what happened to lord
english.
ROSE: Of course we do. Vriska used the juju and her
accompanying ghost army to defeat him.
ROSE: Why else would we be here?
JOHN: i don’t think that’s what actually happened
though!
KANAYA: Then What Did Happen John
JOHN: i... i JUST said!
JOHN: no one knows!
JOHN: rose, come on... you’re the one who told me
all this!
ROSE: I told you what?
JOHN: about a year ago. you were feeling bad, and
asked me to come over.
JOHN: and then you gave me this big speech about
canon, and being like, OUTSIDE canon, and NOT canon, and other shit
like timelines, and fate and...
JOHN: and my anime dreams!
ROSE: That’s all in the past, John.
ROSE: Everything worked out in the end.
ROSE: Why are you getting so upset about this?
JOHN: you gave me a list of instructions and told
me that i had to use my retcon powers to go back to a very specific
point in time to defeat lord english when he was still just a
kid.
JOHN: and you told me that i HAD to do this to...
to validate the sequence of reality?
JOHN: but i didn’t.
JOHN: i was all ready to go. i... i thought i was
going to die, honestly.
JOHN: but then YOU...
John swivels around to point a finger at his
wife. It comes across as more accusatory than he means it to
be.
JOHN: roxy, you and calliope told me that i had a
choice!
JOHN: and i MADE my choice, which is why i ended up
staying.
JOHN: but did it really all “work out in the
end”?
JOHN: if i didn’t stop lord english, then...
then...
JOHN: are we even really here at all???
The three gals in the room exchange a series
of concerned glances. Do they truly think he’s crazy? Are they
hiding something from him? John can feel himself trembling. It’s
not possible that he’s remembering this wrong, is it? It can’t be.
If he presses his eyes shut, he can still see the lines of the
black hole cracking space apart around him. It seemed like such a
big deal at the time, and then suddenly it felt like nothing at
all. Why?
Roxy leans over and sets a cool hand on John’s forehead.
ROXY: u doin ok there babe
JOHN: i’m fine!
You’re the ones not doing okay, he nearly
shouts, but then realizes it’s just going to make him sound crazier
than he already looks. He brushes Roxy’s hand away and stands
abruptly, looking woozy and sweating at the temples. His skin is
tight and clammy, too hot and too cold all at once.
JOHN: i just... need some fresh air.
ROXY: want me to come with u
JOHN: no!
JOHN: i... i mean, no. i need a moment alone.
JOHN: i think i’m just getting those um, you
know...
JOHN: new dad jitters!
JOHN: haha, that must be it.
ROXY: oh of course that makes sense
ROXY: take care of urself hon
John grabs his coat and sprints out of the
hive. He vaults into the air and follows the breeze up, coasting
over the treeline and out of the troll suburb that Kanaya and Rose
have made their home in. Furiously, he begins typing on his
phone.
JOHN: terezi. i know that you’ve got important
stuff to do out there in paradox space, but i really need to hear
from you.
JOHN: on my side it’s been months since we’ve last
talked, and i can’t figure out if it’s because i said something
wrong, or...
JOHN: if it’s because something terrible happened
to you.
JOHN: things here on earth are...
John shuts his eyes for a moment and takes a
deep breath. The breeze that rattles over the forest seems foul,
somehow. Stale, like air that’s been recycled multiple times
over.
JOHN: they’re not great.
JOHN: i mean, on the surface everything is
fantastic! everyone’s so happy and it finally seems like we’re all
making real progress as adults.
JOHN: but at the same time...
JOHN: everyone is also acting crazy!
JOHN: i feel like i’m the only sane person left in
this entire universe.
JOHN: i’m the only one who seems to... care about
anything?
JOHN: i mean, care about anything... BIGGER.
JOHN: bigger than like, what to name a baby, or
who’s stuck in a terrible relationship with who.
JOHN: oh my god, this probably sounds so
pathetic.
JOHN: terezi, i’m seriously pathetic.
JOHN: it’s so selfish of me to even be messaging
you at all.
JOHN: i’ve got a beautiful wife who loves me, but
it’s not enough. i can’t even talk to her about what we’re going to
name our stupid kid without it turning into some weird thing where
she just goes along with whatever i want.
JOHN: even when all i want is for her to want
something different than what i want!!!
JOHN: ...
JOHN: ok, wait, i take that back. our kid’s not
stupid.
JOHN: well, ok, he hasn’t been born yet, so maybe
he’ll turn out to be stupid eventually. what do i know?
JOHN: anyway, the point is, i’m just popping off on
random things at people who don’t deserve it, because i’m really
upset right now.
JOHN: not at anyone in particular... probably just
at myself.
JOHN: like, wow, can you believe how shitty i’m
being right now?
JOHN: you could be dead for all i know, yet here i
am begging for your attention even though my life is perfect.
JOHN: but i don’t know who else i can talk to. even
rose is acting weird all of sudden.
JOHN: i guess what i’m trying to say is...
JOHN: you’re the only thing that still makes sense
to me, terezi.
JOHN: right now i... i just really need you.
JOHN: please come make some sense at me...
John notices his fingers are shaking. He makes
a conscious effort to keep them still, and exhales. Come make some
sense at me? Good lord. He’s got to pull it together, before he
blurts out something really embarrassing. He braces himself, as if
splashing an imaginary glass of cold water in his own face, and
reminds himself once again that he has a wonderful life. A perfect
life. He’s HAPPY, god damn it.
He’s about to pocket his phone when he catches some movement at
the bottom corner of the screen. It’s an indication that someone is
typing.
He stops breathing until the text actually appears.
TEREZI: OK4Y LOS3R, T3LL M3 WH4T H4PP3N3D TH1S
T1M3