Jane may
have stepped away from her pursuit of public office, but it’s
important for any educated businesswoman to stay abreast of the
political goings-on of her nation.
She keeps close watch on the political landscape. She’s got
people with eyes on every newspaper and website on Earth C, but she
likes to watch the human news herself. It’s just such a
delightfully adult thing to do, she thinks, as she spreads out
languorously in front of her television. She remembers her father
doing the same all the time. Well, without the luxurious silk robe
and eighty-inch TV screen.
JANE: I admit I had second thoughts about calling
off my presidential bid after what happened with Dirk, but...
JANE: You know what, I’m surprised to say that this
administration isn’t too shabby after all.
JANE: I was really worried that one of the
candidates would naively roll back the troll population control
ordinances once Kanaya got the Mother Grub up and running, but
they’re taking a really hard line on this.
Gamzee, as ever, stands by Jane’s side,
assisting her as she jots down notes about the political events of
the day. When she asks for a fresh pen, he fishes one out of his
codpiece and hands it to her, but he looks uncharacteristically
disquieted.
GaMzEe: WhOa. ArE yOu ReAlLy AlL uP aNd
SuPpOrTiNg ThAt StIcKy ShIzZ, mY wOmAn?
JANE: Excuse me? That... what?
GAMZEE: iT lOoKs To Me LiKe ThE hUmAn MaN iS
tRyInG tO kEeP mY pEoPlE dOwN, aLl DiScRiMiNaToRiLy AnD sUcH.
Jane chuckles at Gamzee’s jape. But the
strange expression persists on his clownish face.
GAMZEE: ThIs Be WiCkEd SeRiOuS bOo.
GAMZEE: YaLl ReAlLy DoWn WiTh SuBjUgGlAtInG mY
nInJaS?
Jane scoffs. The downside of taking notes by
hand is that one’s wrist is bound to get a bit sore, and it’s left
her short on patience for the tiresome ordeal of explaining the
basic functioning of a political system to an ignorant farceur.
JANE: Gamzee, please.
JANE: I’m not down with doing anything of the
sort.
JANE: Some of my best friends are trolls. I have no
ill will towards trolls at all, and I want them to have the same
opportunities and privileges as any human.
JANE: Or carapacian, or what have you.
JANE: But there are certain measures that are,
realistically speaking, necessary in order to assure that these
opportunities and privileges remain equivalent across the
board.
GAMZEE: bUt BrEeDiNg CoNtRoL? i DoN’t KnOw
MaN.
GAMZEE: dOeSn’T sEeM kEePiNg In ThE sPiRiT oF
tOlErAnCe AnD eQuAlItY aNd AlL tHaT, mAn.
JANE: Gamzee, you just don’t get it.
JANE: It’s not about “equality.”
JANE: It’s about equity.
GAMZEE: YeAh I dOn’T fOlLoW, hOnK.
JANE: You see, in a system of equality, every
individual is dealt exactly the same hand.
JANE: Maybe this is an analogy you would
understand.
JANE: What if we lived in a world where there were
only one size of shoe?
JANE: That would be perfectly equal, if everyone
had equal access to that shoe.
JANE: But would it suit everyone?
JANE: Could everyone put on that one size of shoe
and receive an equivalent level of support and comfort?
GAMZEE: i DoN’t KnOw, As LoNg As It’S a BiG oLd
ShOe It MiGhT bE aLl RiGhT mAnG.
Jane has to pause to huff in exasperation.
JANE: No, Gamzee!
JANE: Everyone needs shoes that fit the size of
their feet!
JANE: You need to make unequally sized shoes for
unequally sized feet!
GAMZEE: Oh WoRd? I aIn’T kNoW aBoUt AlL tHaT bOo
BoO bUt If YoU sAy It’S tRuE.
JANE: Sigh. Yes, it’s true.
JANE: It’s the same with building laws that are
conducive to a functioning, equitable society.
JANE: Some people are simply born into positions
that confer upon them certain advantages, and it is the job of the
government to ensure that people who are less fortunate can be
“lifted up,” as it were, to match their luckier peers.
JANE: We must offer greater assistance to some
classes of people than others, to ensure that equity.
JANE: Such is the case with natural troll and human
birth rates.
GAMZEE: sO yOu SaYiN yOu NeEd DiFfErEnT sHoEs FoR
yOuR hUmAn DiCkS aNd WhAt NoT?
JANE: Precisely.
JANE: The reintroduction of the Mother Grub changes
everything.
JANE: Trolls and humans don’t have identical birth
rates. It’s a fundamental biological fact that natural troll
reproduction is much faster than humans’.
JANE: It’s a matter of evolution and society!
JANE: You know this, Gamzee. Your people evolved in
a harsh, unforgiving world, where the slightest misstep could lead
to death.
JANE: And like any animal would, your biology
adapted to the circumstances.
JANE: Your Mother Grubs have the capacity to
produce an unimaginable quantity of eggs at a time, to ensure that
at least a few can survive to reproductive age.
JANE: And I understand that in the context of
Alternian society, that worked great. Because the mortality rate
was so high, only a manageable number of individuals were able to
make it to adulthood.
JANE: But we have a peaceful society now, with
benevolent caretakers and fair laws. No young troll is at danger of
being killed by monstrous fauna. No one will be culled for being
“too weak.”
JANE: But that doesn’t change your biology.
JANE: So what does that mean for the troll
population? It would spiral out of control within a matter of
generations!
JANE: You would come to outnumber humans at a
factor of thousands, millions to one.
JANE: The infrastructure would not be able to keep
pace. The economy would be completely destabilized. The market
would be flooded with thousands of trolls who wouldn’t be able to
find jobs or places to live.
JANE: Not to mention the issue of your life spans.
Some of you will live for hundreds, thousands of years!
JANE: And, honestly... speaking of biology...
JANE: I’m not sure, if we were to loosen population
controls right now, that your people have... how to say...
JANE: Well, let’s just say I think it would be
irresponsible to gamble on whether or not the natural Alternian
order will reassert itself in such a troll-dominated society.
JANE: Maybe in a hundred, two hundred years, when
you’ve proven—and I believe you will, I really do—but when you’ve
proven that you can coexist in a harmonious society with natural
breeding, it might not matter so much exactly how many more trolls
there are than humans.
GAMZEE: WaIt. DiDn’T wE aLl Up AnD jUmP fOrWaRd
So We GoT 2314 sWeEpS oF hIsToRy Or SoMeWhAt?
JANE: With artificial breeding!
GAMZEE: i dOn’t kNoW, bAbE.
GAMZEE: ThIs iS AlL StArTiNg tO SoUnD A
LiTtLe...
GAMZEE: xEnOpHoBiC? :o(
JANE: Xenophobic???
Jane narrows her eyes at the disingenuous
buffoon. This is not the first time she has had a conversation like
this with him by any stretch of the imagination. Not even someone
as willfully loathsome as Makara could be this dense. What’s more
likely is he’s attempting to get a rise from her. To get her a
little hotter under the collar. To put her in a certain mood.
JANE: I just explained: it’s essential that these
regulations remain in place so that the human and troll populations
can remain proportionate.
JANE: It isn’t as if this is an issue comparable to
racism within a single species, a phenomenon rooted solely in
spurious cultural stereotypes, junk science and knee-jerk
bigotry.
JANE: There are objectively real and quantifiable
biological and behavioral differences between our species, which
absolutely must be accounted for if we are to live in a harmonious
society together, where no species holds any advantage over
another.
JANE: I’m trying to prevent
xenophobia!
GAMZEE: I MaY Be JuSt a sImPlE MoThErFuCkInG
ClOwN NoT AlL KnOwLeDgE LeArNeD AbOuT ThE InTrIcAcIeS Of hUmAn
eCoNoMiCs aNd InTeRsPeCiEs DiPlOmAcY, hOnK.
GAMZEE: BuT AlL ThAt pOlItIcAl pOnTiFiCaTiNg yOu
jUsT SlAmMeD DoWn iNtO My tHiNk pAn...
GAMZEE: CaN’t HeLp BuT tHiNk It FeElS a LiTtLe
LiKe ThE bLeAtInGs Of A bItCh WhAt’S aBoUt To GeT aLl Up AnD
cAnCeLeD.
JANE: Canceled??????
And just like that, she falls right into his
trap. There’s no turning back now. The salacious ritual is
imminent.
JANE: Excuse me, I’m sorry. “Canceled”?
JANE: Are you even hearing yourself?
JANE: Who in the world gave a literal
insect in clownface like you the authority
to be “canceling” anybody?
GAMZEE: ...
GAMZEE: wOw. HoNk.
JANE: Oh, forgive me if I’m a bit nettled to hear a
drug-addicted clown who murdered half of his friends tell me that
I—JANE CROCKER—am... am...
JANE: CANCELED?!?!?!
GAMZEE: HeY. yOu kNoW ThAt’s iNsEnSiTiVe.
GAMZEE: aDdIcTiOn iS A DiSeAsE, aNd i cAn’t
rIgHtLy hElP ThAt mY LuSuS WaS NeVeR ArOuNd tO TeAcH Me rIgHt fRoM
WrOnG.
JANE: Yes, yes, we’ve all heard your sob story,
Gam—
GAMZEE: BuT I DoNe gOnE AnD RePeNtEd, NoW, mY
TaLl fRoStY MaMaCiTa.
GAMZEE: I’M A RiGhTeOuS MaN.
GAMZEE: AnD AlL I EvEr bEeN TrYiN To dO Is gEt
yOu rIgHt tOo, WiTh mOrAlS AnD GoOdNeSs, AlL fIlLeD uP iNsIdE yOu
As TiGhT aS yOuR tAsTy HoE bAlLoOnS aRe WiTh HuMaN mOo JuIcE.
GAMZEE: MaYbE WhAt wE NeEd iS A LiTtLe cOmMuNiOn,
My wIcKeD SuCkLe SiStEr, FlEsH To mOtHeRfUcKiNg fLeSh.
GAMZEE: bRiNg ThOsE hUmOnGoUs BaZoNgAs OvEr
hErE.
JANE: Get your filthy hands off of me!!
GAMZEE: CoMe oN, mAmA.
GAMZEE: jUsT A LiTtLe hOnK To mAkE It aLl
bEtTeR.
JANE: No! I’d rather die than touch your disgusting
clown baton ever again.
GAMZEE: YoU sAy ThAt EvErY tImE mY bIg BuStY bAbE
:o)
GAMZEE: mAkEs A mOtHeRfUcKeR sTaRt To ThInK iT’s
SoMe MoRe Of ThAt PoLiTiCaL dOuBlEsPeAk Of YoUrS, mY fInE dAiRy
QuEeN.
JANE: UGH!
In spite of Jane’s protests, Gamzee makes a
desperate play for a lusty squeeze. Jane puts up a valiant show of
resistance, but Gamzee knows she has no real intent of fighting him
off—it’s all part of the kismetic dance. He has his big clown mitts
right on her busty bags, honking away.
As soon as Jane starts screaming, the baby does too. Jake,
sitting approximately six feet away, bounces the infant a little to
calm him down.
JAKE: I say would you mind keeping it down for
tavros?
JAKE: He was sleeping and to be honest i think
things here are getting a little blue for a baby.
Jane and Gamzee break apart at once. It’s like
she’d forgotten that Jake was there at all—she scrambles to cover
herself properly the moment his voice cuts through the din of
sloppy, moist honking.
JANE: Jake! Darling.
JANE: Don’t worry. Th-there’s plenty of attention
to go around, my love.
JANE: Would you care to join us?
JAKE: Erm its ok i think its time for tavros to be
fed anyway. Why dont i just take a bottle and get him out of here
so you two can...
JANE: Oh, yes, yes. Gamzee, get him a bottle, won’t
you?
Jake, who had been sitting on the other side
of the couch with sweet baby Tavros in his arms, remains stiff with
his squalling infant as he waits for Gamzee to carry out his
commanded task. The clown bends over revoltingly in front of the
couch, full rump straining against his plush purple briefs, as if
daring Jake to look away—and he can’t. Jake stares transfixed into
the full moon of the clown’s buttocks, appearing virtually
shrink-wrapped by the moist fabric, as Gamzee slowly descends,
fingers trailing down the entire length of his leg. His codpiece
bobs between his spread thighs as he grasps the bottle of milk that
had been knocked to the ground in the fracas. Then he snaps right
back up with a honk that nearly makes Jake rocket out of his
seat.
Jake’s heart is racing so hard he loses focus. He doesn’t notice
that Gamzee is offering him the bottle until Jane’s angry voice
wrenches him back to his senses.
JANE: Gamzee! That’s been on the ground! Get him a
clean one.
Gamzee shrugs, and squirrels away the
half-spilled bottle in his codpiece. He walks off and returns with
a fresh bottle from the fridge, then hands it over to Jake.
JAKE: Haha thanks ill just be going now. See
ya.
Jake snatches the bottle from Gamzee’s hand
and all but flees the room in as brisk a walk as he can manage.
Baby Tavros calms down as soon as the rubber nipple is in his
mouth.
But no matter how far Jake walks down the long corridors of
Jane’s mansion, the lascivious honks echo through the halls like
the wails of a dolorous ghost. Nowhere is truly safe. Every little
noise emanating from that cursed living room shoots through Jake’s
skull like a gunshot.
As Jake gently bounces the baby in one arm, he takes out his
phone to text an old friend.
JAKE: Jade are you there?
JADE: yep!
JADE: whats up?
JAKE: Can we call?
JADE: sure jake!
Jade has started up a voice call before Jake
can even move to do it himself. It’s such a relief to hear her
voice. It’s something to focus on besides the—
OHHHH! HONK!
Jake winces.
JADE: jake!!! its been a while since you
called!
JADE: is everything ok?
JAKE: Yep hehe just hunky dory over here. You know
how it is. Love my lady and baby and all that.
HONK honk HONK honk.
HOO HOO HOO, THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO THE DARK CARNIVAL!!!
honk HONK honk HONK.
The sound of his wife’s rapturous howling unmoors the last of
Jake’s composure. He staggers, threatening to spill soft little
Tavros on his soft little head, killing him forever. It’s not safe
to stand. So Jake shuts himself into the first empty room he comes
across and lets himself slide to the ground against the closed
door.
JAKE: Anyway whats up with you? Hows life with
davekat going?
JADE: oh its great! im really glad i just went for
it
JADE: all of us together... it really is the best
of every world
JADE: to be honest ive never really felt like i was
cut out for monogamy you know?
JADE: it seems silly to even contemplate keeping
all my love for only one person now
JADE: ive never really believed a person ever runs
out
JAKE: Thats great to hear!
JADE: speaking of...
JADE: how are things going with you and jane and
err... gamzee
JAKE: Haha well its not so much like that for me
really.
JAKE: Gamzee is more janeys side piece you
know.
JAKE: We dont...
JAKE: Im not really...
JAKE: Well enough about that have you been thinking
of your plans for the future?
JADE: what do you mean??
JAKE: Like you know, starting a family and
such.
JADE: haha
JAKE: No really. You lot have been together a while
now. You havent put any thought into the next step?
JAKE: You and dave would have some real gangbuster
babies im sure.
JADE: haha im sure we would!
JADE: but...
JAKE: But?
JADE: well...
JAKE: Not ready for it yet?
JADE: thats not really it
JADE: id love to have a baby like everybody
else
JADE: i mean everybodys been having them. i wont
pretend im not a little jealous
JADE: but... i dont think its gonna happen with me
and dave
JAKE: What? Why not?
JAKE: If you want i could give that whippersnapper
a talking to.
JAKE: Get him to really man up and accept
responsibility.
JADE: no! its nothing dave is doing! its me
JAKE: Huh?
JADE: theres no way me and dave could have a
regular baby together because im...
JAKE: Whats wrong?
JADE: well lets just say that after all the sburb
stuff its done some things to my body
JADE: like merging with bec mostly
JAKE: Have you been trying?
JADE: er... we cant really...
JAKE: What do you think your dog genes or whatever
are keeping you from getting pregnant?
JADE: um
JADE: not my....... GENES exactly :\
JADE: i dont really want to get into the
specifics
JAKE: Would that rule out a union of an
ectobiological sort?
JADE: i guess not
JADE: but i dont think any of us are really
interested in having a kid with ectobiology
JADE: it just feels...
JADE: well
JADE: i think weve had enough of ectobiology for
one lifetime!
JAKE: Heh heh fair enough.
JADE: ive thought about asking rose to help us but
thats so much to ask...
JAKE: What like as a surrogate? To have her carry
the child for you in her womb?
JADE: yeah something like that
JAKE: Goodness. Have you mentioned this to her?
JADE: ummm
JADE: yes weve talked a little about it
JAKE: What did she say?
JADE: um haha
JADE: i dunno its a tricky subject!
JADE: she didnt say no
JADE: just that there was... stuff to think
about
JAKE: I see.
JAKE: But um... i might be missing something.
JADE: what?
JAKE: Well dave is roses brother right?
JADE: yeah
JAKE: So if he supplied the fatherhood material,
wouldnt that be... ?
JADE: lol
JAKE: What? What did i say?
JADE: no jake, dave wouldnt be the father in this
scenario!
JAKE: Oh... oh!
JAKE: Karkat then!
JAKE: Wait... no. Im confused again.
JAKE: Arent there biological compatibility issues
there? I mean with natural birth and not the ecto-whatsit
machine.
JADE: karkat wouldnt be the dad either!
JAKE: I...
JAKE: What?
JADE: lmao
JADE: dont worry about it jake
JADE: look i gotta go ok? it was nice talking to
you
JAKE: No please dont!
JADE: huh?
JAKE: Dont go. Please.
JADE: jake are you ok?
JAKE: Yes im fine. Its just...
JAKE: Sigh. Nevermind.
JADE: if theres something wrong please tell me
JADE: im here for you you know that right?
JAKE: Theres nothing wrong! Sorry.
JAKE: Im just—
JAKE: I feel like weve been drifting apart lately
is all. Because were all so busy with our new lives and such.
JAKE: I just wanted to talk to you. Like the old
times.
JAKE: But i wont hold you up if youve got places to
be.
JADE: jake...
JAKE: Its ok jade! Ill be ok.
JADE: ok i really do have to go im sorry
JADE: ill talk to you again soon ok jake? ill call
you
JAKE: Ok. Thank you jade. Im sorry.
JADE: Ok....
JADE: bye
Jade hangs up. Jake releases a rattling
sigh.
Honk, honk, honk, honk...