JADE: how cute do you guys think johns baby is
going to be
JADE: like on a scale of 1-11???
Jade rolls over and nuzzles herself into the
crook of Dave’s armpit, taking Karkat’s hand with her so that it’s
slung over her stomach. Dave doesn’t stop scrolling on his phone.
His face is a kaleidoscope of neon, lit from beneath by the
Alternian mushrooms that flare up at night with a sick, green
bioluminescence, and from above by the soft glow of his social
media accounts.
DAVE: i dunno
DAVE: i still havent come to terms with the fact
that johns gonna be a dad
JADE: you dont think hell be a good one?
DAVE: i didnt say that but ok since you asked
DAVE: i mean think about it if you were gonna rank
us in order of maturity based on all the years weve known each
other
DAVE: about where would you put john
Karkat, lazily munching on a chocolate beetle,
taps his foot against the picnic blanket. Jade moves his hand so
that it’s resting subtly on the line of exposed skin above her
skirt, where her tank top is riding up. He seems not to notice.
Instead, he’s seriously considering Dave’s question. He picks a leg
off one of his beetles and flicks it over Jade so that it lands on
Dave’s forehead.
KARKAT: BELOW ME BUT ABOVE YOU.
DAVE: yeah exactly
DAVE: now hes all married and pregnant and hes got
a mustache
KARKAT: I’M STILL NOT OVER THE FUCKING
MUSTACHE.
JADE: why not he looks so good!!
DAVE: yeah he looks disturbingly good
DAVE: i almost cant talk to him anymore it looks so
good
JADE: ohhhhh?
DAVE: jesus jade dont fuckin read into it
DAVE: a bro can appreciate how attractive his bro
has become and maybe get a little breathless at the sight of his
chiseled jawline and manly facial hair without being gay about
it
DAVE: ive just been thinking lately everytime i see
him that hes
DAVE: ok dont make fun of me for saying this but
its like
DAVE: johns a Man
DAVE: not a lowercase m man but a fully grown up
legit fuckin Dude with a leather briefcase and a suit that he only
wears on special occasions
KARKAT: PRETTY FUCKED UP.
DAVE: i know right
JADE: hmmmm...
Jade pokes a finger into Dave’s chin, sliding
it up his jawline so that it puckers his mouth into a pout. It’s a
pretty cute thing to do, if extremely immature. This might be the
point Dave was trying to make, that they’re all still kind of
immature. Jade doesn’t pick up on the obvious subtext in the
conversation, however, because she’s been willfully undermining the
subtext in her own personal life for nearly a year now.
JADE: well...
JADE: ive actually been thinking lately about how
since rose and kanaya had a kid and jane and jake had a kid and
john and roxy are gonna have a kid.......
JADE: what would you think if maybe...
JADE: ....we had kids???
KARKAT: WHAT
KARKAT: WHO? YOU AND DAVE?
Karkat starts laughing. Jade flicks him in the
forehead.
JADE: no stupid all three of us!
DAVE: uhhh
JADE: what??
DAVE: uhhhhhhh
JADE: look i know there are “issues” to sort out in
terms of um....... feasibility
JADE: but i think there are a lot of options to
consider!
JADE: maybe someone can help us out
JADE: like.... someone we know?
JADE: or i dont know! what about adoption!
JADE: that could be cute! adopting a little grub!!
aww...
JADE: or a human! whatever! im not picky
DAVE: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh
KARKAT: UHHHHHH IS FUCKING RIGHT.
KARKAT: JADE, DON’T YOU READ THE NEWSPAPERS?
KARKAT: THE NEW ADMINISTRATION IS CRACKING DOWN
ON CERTAIN KINDS OF INTERSPECIES ADOPTION LAWS.
KARKAT: IF YOU’RE SO INTENT ON IT BEING “THE
THREE OF US,” WE LITERALLY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ADOPT A HUMAN CHILD
BECAUSE THE HUMAN ADMINISTRATION IS AFRAID THAT I’D...
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.
KARKAT: TEAR INTO IT, AND FEAST ON ITS
ORGANS.
KARKAT: AND IN THAT KIND OF POLITICAL CLIMATE?
WELL, I’M NOT SURE IT’S A WORLD I WOULD WANT TO RAISE A TROLL CHILD
IN RIGHT NOW.
DAVE: jokes on them ive never seen you tear into
anything more complicated than a microwave dinner
KARKAT: I KNOW, RIGHT?
DAVE: i mean on the other hand if we adopt a kid
young enough it would totally fit in the microwave
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE. I’M NOT GONNA EAT
OUR THEORETICAL BABY.
Dave puts away his phone and rolls up so that
he’s braced on his elbow. He meets Karkat’s gaze over the rise of
Jade’s chest and smiles at him.
DAVE: yeah dude i know
DAVE: youre probably like closet dad of the fuckin
year
DAVE: just waiting for his moment to shine
DAVE: i bet youd whine and complain about getting a
kid til we actually brought junior home
DAVE: the moment you saw his chubby lil cheeks your
face would light right up
JADE: oh... i can imagine the look on karkats face
right now
JADE: heheh
DAVE: yeah you know exactly the one
DAVE: like how he looks when his hot pocket
finishes cooking in the microwave
DAVE: which he understands is an instrument of food
preparation
DAVE: and not some sort of grim infant warming
device
KARKAT: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING IT BACK TO THE
MICROWAVE?
DAVE: oh
DAVE: cause i had more jokes to make about the
subject
KARKAT: OF COURSE. GOD FORBID JADE AND I ARE NOT
FORCED TO LISTEN TO EVERY LETTER OF YOUR MORBID INTERNAL
DIALOGUE.
DAVE: whatever you love it
DAVE: anyway
DAVE: on the baby in the microwave front
KARKAT: GOD
DAVE: id be more worried about me being the one
whod do the deed so to speak
DAVE: i mean its not like ive got a great
demonstrative background in child rearing or anything
DAVE: considering all the places i got left as a
kid i wouldnt be surprised if id just put our baby in the toaster
by accident or something
DAVE: like if you tally up the amount of hours i
spent locked in the fridge compared to the amount of hours i spent
in the american school system learning how to be normal and do
polynomials
DAVE: just sayin it looks dire
JADE: .....
KARKAT: ...
Dave’s staring into the distance like a
stopped clock, or at the very least like a dude who’s been locked
in the fridge more than once in his life. Jade and Karkat exchange
a private look they’ve also given each other more than once in
Dave’s presence.
DAVE: yeah so anyway im gonna stick to hot pockets
i think
JADE: dave
JADE: you really think youd make that bad a
father?
JADE: even with me and karkat helping you?
DAVE: eh dont take this personally but im an
evidence based hypothesis kinda guy and so far three way
relationships in our friend group attempting parenthood...
DAVE: the record aint so lookin so good
DAVE: just saying
DAVE: a clown a fascist and a male sex icon walk
into a bar sounds like the start of a bad but funny joke
DAVE: but when its the start of a family thats when
it gets a bit less funny to me
DAVE: poor little dude gonna be fucked up
JADE: oh come on dave
JADE: tavros is a cute kid!
KARKAT: SURE, HE IS *NOW*.
DAVE: the moment cognitive function starts firing
off in that kids head hes gonna be scarred for life
JADE: we dont KNOW that
DAVE: jade i know jakes like your bestie
DAVE: and also your grandfather
DAVE: and also kinda your grandson
DAVE: oh also your fucking dad i guess
DAVE: but his relationship is bad
JADE: hey... thats...
JADE: not NECESSARILY true...
KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT, IT’S NOT FUCKING TRUE.
KARKAT: DAVE’S JUST BEING GENTLE HERE TO SPARE
YOUR FEELINGS.
KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT MERELY “BAD”
KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS A FLAMING WRECK OF AN
INTERSTELLAR WARSHIP HURTLING TOWARDS THE PLANET AT TERMINAL
VELOCITY WITH THE ENTIRE CREW BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED UPON REENTRY,
SHOVED STRAIGHT DOWN THE CHAGRIN TUNNEL AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SHAT
OUT THE OTHER SIDE, THUS FLOODING THE ENTIRE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD
WHEN IT CLOGS UP THE LOAD GAPER.
Jade sits up and wraps her arms around her
knees. Her ears go flat as she chews her lip.
JADE: ...its not like i dont know that
JADE: john never shuts up about it
JADE: i mean, he and jane used to be close back
when we all first met but last time i talked to john he....
JADE: well, he accused her of “raping” jake
DAVE: oh shit
KARKAT: YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.
JADE: its not like i dont worry about jake but come
on!
JADE: were all adults
JADE: what am i supposed to do? show up at his
window dressed like the blue fairy and whisk him away from his
terrible life??
JADE: maybe that would work for a few days, but one
thing i learned from dating around a lot in my youth is that no
ones going to leave a bad relationship until its THEIR idea to
leave
She takes in a shaky breath and shuts her
eyes. Her hair spills around her face when she leans forward to put
her chin on her knees. Dave and Karkat exchange a look that is
equal parts confused, miserable, and desperate. Karkat’s making a
fist against the ground, digging up a handful of moss and getting
dirt under his fingernails. Perhaps it’s a metaphor, he wryly
speculates, for the way Jade has just dug up the emotional dirt in
their relationship. Dave clears his throat quietly. One of them
could say something right now if they found the nerve. But as the
moments slide by, nerve remains in short supply.
Karkat opens his mouth, without quite having settled on the
words that will come out of it. But before any do, the sky cracks
open. Instead, he lets out an undignified yelp and scuttles back so
he doesn’t get hit by the sharp debris suddenly raining from
above.
Jade spins around and flings her arms out, using her Space
powers to catch the offensive rubble and shrink it into harmless
granules. They spark and clash against her fingers. She can’t quite
tell what they are. They’re not rocks, or metal... they don’t even
seem to be physical.
Something else comes hurtling out of the hole in the sky, too
fast for Jade to catch. It hits the ground with a clap of green
lightning. The collision sends a geyser of dirt, rock, and vapor
into the air. Dave flash-steps to shield Karkat. Jade doesn’t move,
taking the brunt of the explosion face on, using her abilities to
warp the energy around her so that she’s a mote at the center of
the storm. When the dust clears, she’s the first to jump in the
crater, trailing smoke behind her.
There’s a body at the center of it. The torso is bloody,
tangled, and curled into a fetal position. Its shoes are missing,
but otherwise the outfit is quite familiar to her: it’s a dead
ringer for her old Witch of Space uniform. Jade touches the body
with the toe of her shoe, and then gasps when it rolls over to
reveal its face.
Karkat and Dave stick their heads over the
edge of the pit.
DAVE: holy shit
KARKAT: WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING FUCK?
DAVE: uh
DAVE: good question
DAVE: idk but we should probably get her some
help
KARKAT: HELP? FOR WHAT??
KARKAT: IT LOOKS LIKE HER INTERNAL ORGANS ARE
OBLITERATED. SHE’S COVERED IN MORE BLOOD THAN I THOUGHT HUMANS EVEN
HAD INSIDE THEM.
DAVE: well we cant just leave her in this fuckin
hole man
DAVE: come on gimme a hand
Karkat watches as Jade stands over her own
younger corpse. He notices the way her shoulders are slanted. It’s
clear even from a distance that she’s shaking.
KARKAT: JADE?
KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON
HERE??
KARKAT: WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT THIS
Jade doesn’t say anything. She’s staring at
the body. A badly broken version of herself, probably from a
different timeline, she guesses. This Jade looks about sixteen
years old. Her hair is matted with blood. Her appearance is
gruesome, yet also... peaceful, somehow.
Dave slides down the ridge of the crater and grabs her by the
shoulder.
DAVE: hey jade you hear us
Jade wipes a hand across her cheek and looks
down to find that it’s come away bloody. One of those shrunken,
massless shards from the sky must have nicked her in the face. Her
eyes go wide and she feels the breath go out of her for a moment.
She looks directly upward. Where did this body come from?
DAVE: jade???
JADE: yes dave i heard you
Still staring at the body, Jade digs her phone
out of her pocket.
JADE: i need to talk to jane