TEREZI: H3Y JOHN
TEREZI: T1M3 FOR YOUR R3GUL4R CH3CKUP H3H3H3
JOHN: oh. hey.
TEREZI: “OH H3Y”
TEREZI: PR3TTY T3P1D R3C3PT1ON FROM 4 GUY WHO H4S
1N TH3 P4ST B3GG3D D3SP3R4T3LY FOR 3V3N 4 SCR4P OF MY 4TT3NT1ON
JOHN: i’m glad to hear from you. it’s just... i
dunno, a lot’s happened recently.
JOHN: i’m sort of numb from all of it.
TEREZI: SO T3LL M3 4BOUT 1T
JOHN: what are you my therapist now?
TEREZI: NO 1M JUST 4 S1MPL3 G1RL WHO LOV3S TH3
T4ST3 OF YOUR SUFF3R1NG
TEREZI: 1M SO HUNGRY OUT H3R3 4LON3 1N P4R4DOX
SP4C3 JOHN
TEREZI: PL34S3 NOUR1SH M3 W1TH YOUR P4TH3T1C
M1DL1FE 3NNU1
JOHN: it’s not midlife ennui!
JOHN: i’m not even thirty yet, come on.
JOHN: also... um.
JOHN: i’m married? so... yeah.
TEREZI: LOL
TEREZI: WH4T DO3S TH4T H4V3 TO DO W1TH
4NYTH1NG
JOHN: err...
JOHN: nevermind.
JOHN: so what’s up with you?
TEREZI: OH S4M3 OLD S4M3 OLD
TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG R1GHT NOW
JOHN: oh. i’m at harry anderson’s birthday
party.
TEREZI: SOUNDS 1MPORT4NT
TEREZI: M4YB3 1 SHOULD L3T YOU GO TH3N
JOHN: no!
JOHN: i mean... it’s fine. i can talk for a
bit.
TEREZI: 4ND L34V3 H4RRY 4ND3RSON H4NG1NG?
TEREZI: WOW 3GB3RT
TEREZI: YOUD TH1NK 4N 3LD3RLY M4N L1K3 YOU WOULD
KNOW MOR3 4BOUT D3CORUM TH4N M3, 4 ROWDY YOUTH!
JOHN: harry anderson is basically just a baby who
doesn’t understand anything.
JOHN: a baby, kind of like YOU.
TEREZI: >:]
TEREZI: SO WHOS H4RRY 4ND3RSON?
JOHN: oh! that’s me and roxy’s son.
TEREZI: OH COOL H3 GOT BORN
JOHN: yeah terezi. he got born like three years
ago.
TEREZI: 1TS B33N TH4T LONG?
TEREZI: WOW
JOHN: yeah, wow is right. where the hell have you
been?
TEREZI: LOST
JOHN: lost... how?
JOHN: like literally, physically lost?
JOHN: or metaphorically lost.
TEREZI: BOTH 1 GU3SS
JOHN: terezi...
TEREZI: OH NO
TEREZI: DONT YOU D4R3 US3 P1TY1NG 3LL1PS3S 4T M3
JOHN 3GB3RT
JOHN: sorry! it’s kinda hard not to when every time
you go i have no idea if i’ll ever talk to you again.
TEREZI: OK YOUR3 OBV1OUSLY NOT 1N 4 PL4C3 TO T4LK
R1GHT NOW
TEREZI: 1 D1DNT CONT4CT YOU B3C4US3 1 W4NT3D TO
D34L W1TH YOUR W33PY S3P4R4T1ON ANX13TY
TEREZI: HOW 4BOUT 1 M4K3 TH1S 34SY FOR YOU 4ND
JUST LOG OFF
JOHN: no, please don’t go!
JOHN: i’m sorry for being all... human and
weepy.
JOHN: i’m actually in a pretty ok place for once, i
think?
TEREZI: C4LM DOWN 1 W4SNT F1N1SH3D
TEREZI: L1ST3N... 1LL T3XT YOU B4CK 1N F1V3
M1NUT3S
TEREZI: TH4TLL G1V3 YOU SOM3 T1M3 TO 3MOT1ON4LLY
PROC3SS THE H4RROW1NG 3XP3R13NC3 OF 4CTU4LLY H34R1NG FROM M3 4G41N
>:]
JOHN: promise me it’ll only be five minutes?
TEREZI: WHY?
JOHN: because i worry about you!
JOHN: i just don’t want you to leave me hanging for
another year, making me wonder if you’re dead.
JOHN: please??
TEREZI: UGH!
TEREZI: F1N3
TEREZI: 1 H3R3BY SOL3MNLY SW34R UPON TH3 BOOK OF
DUMB N33DY LOS3RS TH4T 1 W1LL T3XT YOU 1N *3X4CTLY* F1V3
M1NUT3S
JOHN: whew. THANK you!
—
TEREZI: OK 1TS F1V3 M1NUT3S L4T3R
TEREZI: DONT T3LL M3 4NOTH3R TWO SW33PS H4V3
P4SS3D
JOHN: nah, just a couple of weeks.
JOHN: oh boy, what a couple of weeks though.
JOHN: you would NOT believe what’s happening right
now.
TEREZI: H4V3 1 3V3R NOT B3L13V3D WH4T W4S
H4PP3N1NG WH3N YOU S41D 1 WOULDNT?
JOHN: no, but to be fair this one is especially
wild.
JOHN: here wait, let me take a picture.
-- JOHN EGBERT sent TEREZI PYROPE the photo “ghostrain.jpg” --
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 4CTU4L FUCK
JOHN: it started a few days ago. the sky above the
capital of the troll kingdom just cracked open and ghosts began
raining down everywhere.
JOHN: actually, now that i think about it, i guess
it started three years ago when a dead teen version of jade fell
from the sky and crashed into the ground during a picnic.
TEREZI: HUH
JOHN: that only affected our group though. this
whole thing with the troll ghosts has been a *huge* international
incident.
JOHN: the political situation surrounding trolls
was already tense enough without adding a gigantic population of
immigrant ghost trolls to the mix.
TEREZI: W41T, WH4T H4PP3N3D?
JOHN: um, well... because of what we know about
alternian history...
JOHN: the government decided it was probably a bad
idea to let trolls reproduce freely, especially considering how
different our planet is from alternia.
TEREZI: 1 SUPPOS3 TH4T M4K3S S3NS3
TEREZI: W1THOUT ST4T3 S4NCT1ON3D CULL1NG, TH3
TROLL POPUL4T1ON WOULD QU1CKLY DOM1N4T3 TH3 PL4N3T
TEREZI: 4ND 34RTH C DO3SNT STR1K3 ME 4S TH3 SORT
OF PL4C3 TH4T WOULD T4K3 K1NDLY TO 4 LOT OF CULL1NG
JOHN: yeah. that was part of the government’s
official argument.
JOHN: “it’s either this, or culling.”
JOHN: but it didn’t stop there.
JOHN: also a bunch of laws have been passed that
restrict the kind of jobs that trolls can have. like, they’re not
allowed to serve in the government or rise past a certain rank in
the military. they can’t even be judges!
TEREZI: G4SP
JOHN: i know. it’s pretty bad here.
TEREZI: CONS1D3R1NG TH3 GO4L 1S TO L1M1T TH3
SPR34D 4ND 1NFLU3NC3 OF TROLLS, TH1S 4LL S33MS L1K3...
TEREZI: QU1T3 4N 4LT3RN14N SOLUT1ON
JOHN: well... jane is sort of a key political
player now.
JOHN: she’s not “in” the government, exactly. but
she has so much money she may as well BE the government.
JOHN: her company can do basically whatever it
wants. and it seems more and more like what it wants is to make
sure the politicians are saying exactly what it wants them to
say.
TEREZI: H4
TEREZI: 1 4LW4YS SUSP3CT3D SH3D B33N SW4Y3D BY
TH3 COND3SC3 MOR3 TH4N SH3 3V3R L3T ON
JOHN: yeah. i guess she was.
JOHN: although... i dunno, for some reason it
doesn’t feel right to me.
JOHN: i KNEW a grown-up version of jane. she was my
nanna.
JOHN: i never met her until she came back as a
sprite. but she just seemed like a kindly old grandma who liked to
play pranks.
JOHN: not a...
TEREZI: G3NOC1D3 F4N?
JOHN: not even close!
JOHN: i just can’t believe how fast everything
deteriorated.
TEREZI: DONT T3LL M3 3V3YON3S JUST T4K1NG TH1S
LY1NG DOWN
JOHN: of course not! kanaya and rose are both
heavily involved in grassroots activism right now.
JOHN: and karkat...
JOHN: he’s gone completely off the grid!
JOHN: at first we all assumed that the reason he
ran away was because he got fed up with his shitty poly
relationship.
JOHN: which was probably part of it, honestly. but
now i keep seeing his face on all the resistance posters!
JOHN: i think they may have actually put him in
charge?
TEREZI: H3H
TEREZI: 1 4LW4YS KN3W H3 H4D 1T 1N H1M
JOHN: yeah!
JOHN: dave’s heartbroken though...
TEREZI: WHY DO3SNT D4V3 JUST GO 4ND JO1N H1M
TH3N
JOHN: i don’t know.
JOHN: he worries about jade i guess?
TEREZI: J4D3 WOULD B3 F1N3
TEREZI: SH3S TH3 MOST R3S1L13NT OUT OF 4LL OF
YOU
JOHN: sigh. you know how dave is.
TEREZI: Y34H
TEREZI: LOY4L TO 4 F4ULT
JOHN: yeah. he...
JOHN: oh my god.
JOHN: holy shit, hang on. i gotta take another
picture.
-- JOHN EGBERT sent TEREZI PYROPE the photo “PBandJ.jpg” --
TEREZI: ...
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 FUCK 1S TH1S?!
JOHN: heheheheh.
TEREZI: DONT TYP3 YOUR L4UGHS 4T M3 4FT3R
TR1CK1NG M3 1NTO LOOK1NG 4T TH1S 4BOMIN41TON
JOHN: i thought you might find it interesting.
:-)
TEREZI: WHY WOULD 1 *3V3R* W4NT TO S33 G4MZ33
M4K1NG OUT W1TH T4VROS 4G41N???
JOHN: again?
TEREZI: UGH D1SGUST1NG
TEREZI: 1N PUBL1C 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG
JOHN: oh, it’s always in public.
JOHN: this is how gamzee helps people have their
“redemption arcs.”
TEREZI: BY M4K1NG OUT W1TH TH3M???
JOHN: well, not always. sometimes he has them make
out with each other. usually he just feeds them milk out of that
stupid baby bottle he keeps with him all the time.
JOHN: i think it’s supposed to be like, some
completely idiotic form of baptism he made up.
TEREZI: >:?
JOHN: anyway, speaking of tavros.
JOHN: what do you think about the morality of
kidnapping someone if they’re really unhappy and possibly also
being abused?
TEREZI: UH
TEREZI: WH4T
JOHN: ok, so like, if you kidnap someone and the
situation you’re kidnapping them into is way better than the one
you kidnapped them out of, that’s not morally wrong, right?
TEREZI: JOHN
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU TRY1NG TO G3T M3 4LL 4FLUST3R3D
W1TH SUCH H1GHLY ILL3G4L SW33T T4LK
JOHN: um, no.
JOHN: ...
JOHN: ARE you flustered?
TEREZI: 1 M1GHT B3, 1F 1 THOUGHT YOU WOULD
4CTU4LLY BR34K TH3 L4W
JOHN: hey, i could totally do it!
TEREZI: 1LL B3L1EV3 1T WH3N 1 SM3LL 1T
JOHN: ok, i guess i’m gonna do it then!
TEREZI: SUR3
JOHN: i’m totally going to do it! next time we
talk, it’ll be me telling you all about my successful and highly
illegal kidnapping venture.
TEREZI: WH4T3V3R YOU S4Y
TEREZI: 4NYW4Y, N1C3 HUDDL3 3GB3RT, BUT 1 H4V3 TO
GO
JOHN: wait!
TEREZI: WH4T
JOHN: you’re going already?
JOHN: you barely said anything!
JOHN: you just listened to me ramble on about earth
c’s problems.
TEREZI: 1SNT TH4T HOW TH3S3 CONV3RS4T1ONS USU4LLY
GO
JOHN: um.
JOHN: yeah, i guess it is.
JOHN: but it doesn’t have to be like that, you
know.
TEREZI: HMM
JOHN: so.
JOHN: what’s going on with you?
TEREZI: D1D 1T OCCUR TO YOU TH4T M4YB3 TH3 R34SON
1 C4LL YOU 1S B3C4US3 1 W4NT 4 BR13F R3PR13V3 FROM “WH4TS GO1NG ON
W1TH M3”?
JOHN: oh.
JOHN: yeah, that makes sense.
JOHN: i just don’t want you to feel that you’re
like, my psychiatrist or whatever.
TEREZI: AWW TH4TS CUT3
TEREZI: DONT WORRY 4BOUT M3 JOHN
TEREZI: 1F YOU W3R3 BUGG1NG M3 1D JUST STOP
T3XT1NG
JOHN: well...
JOHN: cool. if i’m not bugging you, then... can i
ask a favor?
TEREZI: 1TS C3RT41NLY W1TH1N YOUR POW3R TO 4SK M3
4 F4VOR
TEREZI: 1 C4NT PROM1S3 TO FULF1LL 1T
JOHN: ugh, now i feel even dumber for what i’m
about to ask.
JOHN: i don’t know if i even wanna do it now.
TEREZI: 4RGH! OUT W1TH 1T 3GB3RT!
JOHN: ummm...
TEREZI: F1N3! 1LL DO 1T, WH4T3V3R 1T 1S
TEREZI: JUST SO YOU C34S3 TH1S M4DD3N1NG N3RDBOY
1NS3CUR1TY
JOHN: ok, ok!
JOHN: uh...
JOHN: can you...
JOHN: take a selfie?
TEREZI: WH4T
JOHN: and... send it to me?
JOHN: oh my god, i probably sound so creepy right
now.
TEREZI: 4H4H4H4H4H4H4
JOHN: hey, don’t laugh!
JOHN: look, it’s just that... after all the talking
we’ve done over the years...
JOHN: you’re pretty important to me, terezi. and
with everything getting so weird, i’ve been getting scared
lately.
JOHN: so in case things go to shit over here, or
things go to shit wherever you are...
JOHN: i just want to make sure i have something to
remember you by.
TEREZI: OH
JOHN: so will you do it?
Terezi doesn’t answer, which is what John was
expecting. He frowns and pockets his phone, blinking at the sudden
brightness above him. The sky is ripped open in a dozen places,
spilling ghosts and razor shards of unreality. John shields his
face against the neon glare and scans the park for his family. Roxy
and Calliope usually come listen to Gamzee preach, and John’s long
since grown tired of trying to talk them out of it. The best he can
do at this point is tag along to make sure that young Harry
Anderson isn’t hearing all this utter nonsense without the
tempering influence of his skeptical father. It’s the responsible,
adult thing to do.
Well, it would be the responsible, adult thing to do if John
were actually doing it. Instead, he just spent the last ten minutes
surreptitiously texting Terezi under the hem of his suit jacket.
Now he’s lost track of his wife, his son, and his wife’s
sort-of-ex-girlfriend in the enraptured throng of all these
brainless clown worshippers. The crowd is mostly ghosts, but
there’s a substantial number of carapacian and human citizens out
here tonight as well, straining to get a good look at the newly
“redeemed” acolytes.
John’s eye wanders toward the center of the crowd’s focus. Looks
like a conversion is taking place right now.
GAMZEE: NoW We wElCoMe iNtO ThE DoPe aRmS Of
mOtHeR ReDeMpTiOn tHiS lOwLy PeNiTeNt WhO’s AlL kInDs Of SoRrY
aBoUt HiS pAsT dEeDs.
ERIDAN: oh yeah im vvery redeemed
FEFERI: )(mm are you s)(ore?
ERIDAN: fef you dont believve me
ERIDAN: wwhat do i havve to fuckin do crawwl on
the fuckin ground at your feet
ERIDAN: snortin and snufflin at your shoes like a
mushroom sniffin porkfiend
ERIDAN: sizin up those covvetous swweaty
delicacies stuffed wwithin
ERIDAN: like a couple of premium shrimp loavves
garnished wwith ten exquisite pygmy soiree wwieners
ERIDAN: im a wworm fef
ERIDAN: im the lowwest of the wworst
FEFERI: Okaaay. If t)(at’s really )(ow you feel,
i guess i can... accept your apology.
GAMZEE: NiIiIiIiCe.
GAMZEE: NoW tHiS iS wHaT i’M tAlKiNg AbOuT. AlL
tHiS fOrGiVnEsS aNd ShIt Up In ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg HoUsE.
GAMZEE: aFtEr AlL, wHaT’s A lItTlE
GAMZEE: MURDER
GAMZEE: BeTwEeN mOiRaIlS?
FEFERI: I guess t)(at’s true! It )(appens to t)(e
best of us. 38)
GAMZEE: YoU bOtH aRe So ClOsE tO tHe ReDeMpTiOn
NoW.
GAMZEE: fIrSt, A LiTtLe RiGhTeOuS sPlAsH oF tHe
NaNnA nEcTaR tO cLeAnSe ThAt DaNkNeSs FrOm YoUr SoUlS...
Gamzee takes out a baby bottle and flicks it,
covering them both with little drops of milk, as clergy does with
holy water. He then takes a swig from the bottle himself before
returning it to his codpiece.
GAMZEE: NoW...
GAMZEE: kIsS, mY mOtHeRfUcKeRs.
FEFERI: Ummmm...
ERIDAN: FINALLY
ERIDAN: pucker up fef and plant one on me
FEFERI: 38\
ERIDAN: you gotta its the rules
GAMZEE: tHe MoThErFuCkEr’S rIgHt.
GAMZEE: It AlL bE fUcKiN cRiTiCaL tO bOtH yOuR
rEdEmPtIoN, tO kIsS aNd MaKe Up :o)
FEFERI: Sig)(. If it’s for redemption,
t)(en...
FEFERI: Very well.
ERIDAN: oh fuck yeah
ERIDAN: RUB A DUB DUB COME GIMME A GLUB!!!
John makes a disgusted face as Gamzee grabs
the two trolls by a horn each and mashes their faces together. One
of them looks extremely into it. The other... not so much. John
would have been transfixed by the spectacle for longer if his phone
didn’t start buzzing in his pocket again. He fumbles it out of his
coat and checks.
-- TEREZI PYROPE sent JOHN EGBERT the photo “H3R3.JPG” --
He looks around, then presses “accept,”
embarrassed to realize how fast his heart is beating. Before he can
look at the photo, a familiar voice breaks through the din of the
crowd.
ROXY: yo john
ROXY: over here hon!
John puts his phone away quickly. Roxy’s
holding Harry Anderson up on her shoulder. John can see his son’s
face, grinning and bright-eyed, bobbing above the crowd. He returns
the smile and starts to make his way toward his wife.
Just then, a dark shadow passes over the park. The crowd falls
silent as they raise their heads to watch a drone ship pass by
overhead. Its design is insect-like, splitting into many jagged
branches, each decked out with weapons and cameras. It’s completely
silent, and encased in armor with a bright red finish, smooth and
seamless. It’s often cited by Jane as the crown jewel of
Crockercorp’s various military contracts with the government.
John reunites with his family and takes Harry Anderson from
Roxy. The toddler buries his face in John’s chest to escape the
horrible sight crawling across the sky above them. Calliope clasps
her hands together and stares at the ship with a terse
expression.
CALLIOPE: it’s getting less and less UnUsUal to
see those in the troll kingdom, isn’t it?
JOHN: yeah.
JOHN: i can’t help but think the government’s
getting ready for something big.
ROXY: lmao you worry too much
ROXY: janeys got her head on straight shell show
you yet
JOHN: ugh, let’s not talk about this right now.
ROXY: yea ur right
ROXY: its gettin late anyway we should head
home
ROXY: see you next week callie?
CALLIOPE: oh. yes. always, roxy.
That night, after he and Roxy put Harry
Anderson to bed and Roxy retires to their room for the evening,
John goes to his office and prints out the picture of Terezi. He
doesn’t have any nice photo paper to put it on, so it comes out too
dark with the colors all smeared. He scrubs the printer history
settings when he’s finished.
When his anxiety is assuaged, he flops down in the spinny chair
at the center of the room and studies the picture. Terezi doesn’t
look that much different from how he remembers her—a little more
worn, maybe, thinner and older and more tired, but it’s her. She’s
smiling, and holding up her hand in a cheeky wave that suggests
neither a greeting or a farewell. The light from the phone screen
is reflected in her glasses. John can’t see her eyes.
He folds the picture into quarters and slips it into his wallet,
behind Harry Anderson’s baby photo. Then he turns off the light and
goes to bed.