ROXY: honey u ready to go?
JOHN: yeah, sweetheart... give me a second!
John finishes fixing his tie in the bedroom
mirror, taking a moment to check the hallway door in the
reflection. Roxy hasn’t come looking for him, which is good because
he’s still got a few things to prepare and he’d rather she didn’t
see the items he’s about to pull out of their closet.
He hasn’t told his wife what he’s planning, because he doesn’t
want to be talked out of it. Typically he rankles at the prospect
of spending time with Jane and her family. So Roxy was surprised
when he agreed to hold Harry Anderson’s fifth birthday party at
Jane’s mansion. But she didn’t question him about it. In fact, all
she did was tip her head at him and blink a few times, her long
eyelashes catching the light, making her eyes look like mirrors. It
was disconcerting for reasons that he couldn’t put his finger on.
It’s not like Roxy had ever been argumentative, exactly. He just
seems to remember someone from his youth who was somewhat more
contrarian in spirit than this person he’s married to now.
Back when they were dating, John thought she was acting a little
off. Not quite in a bad way, but perhaps a little too “in love,”
too fast. At least she still seemed like herself most of the time.
But since the wedding, every year that goes by, she seems to become
just a little more conciliatory. Not just toward him but toward
life in general. She indulges Harry Anderson liberally and almost
thoughtlessly. She doesn’t care that her best friend is slowly
turning into an executive overseeing the corporate arm up the
puppet ass of a ruthless dictatorship. She still thinks Gamzee is
being sincere about all this “redemption” bullshit, even though
he’s been casting an increasingly dark and hungry shadow behind
Jane: a malicious royal vizier to her burgeoning imperial persona.
John’s been frustrated with it in a quiet, guilty way, because he
loves his wife. And even more than that, he loves their son. When
he doesn’t think too hard about all this stuff, it seems
perfect.
But sometimes John can’t help but lie awake at night, staring at
the dark ceiling until he loses the grip on his “perfect life”
entirely. He starts to fear that if he closes his eyes, he might
reopen them to discover it was all an illusion: Harry Anderson,
Earth C, Lord English’s alleged “defeat”... or maybe, stretching
even further back than that. The trolls, the game, everything
important and exciting that’s ever happened to him. Was it all a
lie? Like some big prank?
No... at least some of it had to be real. Dave, Jade, and Rose
are real. Their friendship is real. At least, it used to feel that
way. He needs to believe it still is. And what about Terezi? She’s
real too, and John’s got that picture to prove it, burning a hole
in his wallet. Yet he keeps it there, because at least that feels
like something. It’s the same feeling that makes him do subtle
things to push against his wife’s placid demeanor. He never quite
tries to start a fight. But at this point, he wouldn’t mind having
one either. At least it might help reassure him that she’s real
too.
If she doesn’t get upset after what he’s about to pull today,
then...
John doesn’t know what he’ll do.
He goes to the closet and unhinges the bottom of the drawer
where he keeps all of his identical blue ties. In this secret
compartment are some tools: graphene wire, a multi-tool
screwdriver, molding plaster... John’s so focused on finding places
in his coat to hide all these things that he doesn’t hear footsteps
behind him.
HARRY ANDERSON: dad... what are you doing?
John spins around, startled. It’s just his
kid, though, already looking uncomfortable in his tweed jacket and
knee socks. John kicks the closet door closed. He already has
everything he needs anyway.
JOHN: just getting your gifts, harry anderson! it’s
your birthday after all.
HARRY ANDERSON: ...but i already opened all the
gifts from you and mom.
HARRY ANDERSON: dad... are you telling a fib?
JOHN: ummm...
John ruffles his son’s hair and shoots him one
of his patented Egbertian winks. He decides then and there that a
good father wouldn’t need to keep any secrets from his son. No, a
good dad will always let his son in on the joke, no matter how much
trouble he might be about to get himself in.
JOHN: harry anderson, don’t tell your mother
but...
JOHN: we’re getting a new addition to the family
today!
—
It’s little Tavros Crocker who opens the door
to Jane’s opulent mansion. He’s still so short that he has to stand
up on his toes to reach the knob. He stares up at his visitors with
a serious expression, the prescription on his spectacles distorting
the size of his pupils so that they look like big, wet, depressing
sinkholes. John’s heart wrenches at the sight of him. He’s so
young, but he always looks so somber and sad.
TAVROS: Oh,,, hallo folks,
TAVROS: You’re a mite early don’t you think?
JOHN: um, nope!
DAVE: actually
Dave and Jade materialize behind everyone, he
in a pressed red suit, she in a glittering Space dress. They’re
both holding gifts wrapped in spare printer paper. Dave adjusts his
sunglasses and smirks at Harry Anderson.
DAVE: you were exactly thirty seconds and like
sixty eight nanoseconds early
ROXY: oh eff off dave
ROXY: ur gettin even cornier than john and youre
not even a dad
DAVE: idk my guy harry over there seems to be
enjoying my material
HARRY ANDERSON: heh heh it’s like you’re a living
atomic clock!
DAVE: man i love this kid
DAVE: what kind of five year old is into atomic
clocks
DAVE: damn every time i see him i just wanna pinch
his cheeks and tell him about what things were like when i was his
age and shit
JADE: heheheh if you like kids so much dave why
dont you just BUY one?
DAVE: uh jade i know that what you think you were
doing there was like
DAVE: smoothly inserting the idea of us one day
adopting kids into the conversation
DAVE: but what you actually just described is
literal slavery
DAVE: which is both illegal and bad
JADE: sigh......
JADE: maybe YOURE the one whos illegal and bad
JADE: ever think of that???
DAVE: nope never once crossed my mind
DAVE: anyway john roxy you heard the lady can we
buy your kid
JOHN: no! he’s not for sale.
TAVROS: Um,,, do you all want to come in or
not,,,?
Tavros has been waiting patiently for the
adults to finish talking the whole time, like he always does. He
leads everyone inside with a stoic countenance more befitting of a
footman than the firstborn son of the planet’s wealthiest
family.
ROXY: sooo
ROXY: wheres ur mom and dad
TAVROS: They’re still in,,, uh,,, auspistice
counselling,,,
TAVROS: W, with,,, uncle gamzee,,,
JADE: oh woof
DAVE: woof is right
HARRY ANDERSON: hey tavros! is vriska here?
TAVROS: Er,,,
JOHN: unfortunately, harry anderson, rose and
kanaya aren’t on speaking terms with your aunt jane and uncle jake
anymore.
HARRY ANDERSON: why not?
Roxy sighs loudly through her nose. She hates
talking about this shit.
ROXY: cuz of the political situation
HARRY ANDERSON: what’s... a political
situation?
TAVROS: Mother has been advising the human
government that they should do their best to,,, uh,,, exclude
trolls from the seats of power in all branches of public service
and,,, uh,,, aunts rose and kanaya don’t like it because some of
the legislation in the works could,,, erm,,, delegitimize their
marriage,,,,,,,
HARRY ANDERSON: um... i have no idea what any of
that means, ha ha.
The adults exchange confused looks. It’s more
than a little jarring that this five-year-old kid seems so well
educated on the intricacies of xenophobic political policy. But
then again, this is Jane’s son, they remind themselves.
TAVROS: Anyway,,, wh, why would you WANT vriska
to be here,,,?
TAVROS: Why ruin a nice birthday party?
HARRY ANDERSON: um duh... cause she’s super
fun!
TAVROS: She’s not fun,,, she’s mean,,,,
HARRY ANDERSON: yeah, to you, cause you’re a
wuss.
ROXY: harry anderson egbert!
JOHN: don’t call other kids wusses!
DAVE: hey whats even wrong with being a wuss
DAVE: harry my dude you need to unplug from toxic
masculinity
HARRY ANDERSON: from... what?
DAVE: what have you been teaching this kid
JOHN: dave, sometimes i really can’t believe this
is the adult you chose to become.
ROXY: its actually great isnt it
JOHN: yeah, i guess so...
Dave ruffles Harry Anderson’s hair. It’s nice
that Dave is so woke and great with kids, but that really does
invite the question of why he and Jade don’t have any yet. There’s
still something sad and wistful about Dave at the moment, as he
pointedly avoids letting Jade take his hand while they’re led into
the game room. Jade and Dave still laugh and trade barbs with each
other like old friends, but there’s something disconcertingly
sterile about it. John can’t help but think about the last time
they were all together like this in Jane’s mansion, and the look on
Karkat’s face when he stormed out of the foyer.
Everyone settles down in the game room except Tavros, who stands
by the door with his arms folded behind his back as if waiting to
be ordered around. Harry Anderson is opening his gifts from Jade
and Dave when a door upstairs slams open so hard it rattles all the
crystal glasses arranged on the nearby table.
JANE: You are such an unbelievable dunce, Jake
English!
JANE: I can’t believe that I work so hard and have
to come home to your feckless tomfoolery every day!
JANE: My goodness...
JANE: What gives you the right to talk to me that
way?
Jake’s side of the conversation is too far
away to hear, but Gamzee’s unmistakable mush-mouthed voice floats
down the hallway between the sharp edges of Jane’s shrieks.
JANE: And you’re not even... you’re not even
proficient in bed anymore!
JANE: What is even the POINT of you if...
GAMZEE: HeY hEy.
GAMZEE: cAlM yOuR tItS bAbY.
JANE: SILENCE, CLOWN.
Tavros stares at his feet, wearing a strained
expression.
TAVROS: It’s fine,,, my parents are kismeses
after all,,,
Jane storms downstairs. Her guests are
completely silent as the sound of her heels echoes down the hall.
She steps into the room, her face still twisted in rage and
disgust. The moment her eyes fall over her gathered friends,
however, her expression changes like someone flipping a switch. She
smiles, looking cordial and perfectly pleasant, fluttering her
lashes like there’s nothing in the world more important to her than
being an excellent host.
JANE: Oh. Hello everyone.
JANE: I’m sorry that I was not able to greet you at
the door. I had some pre-appointed business to attend to.
JANE: I trust that Tavros led you all inside
without trouble?
TAVROS: Yes ma’am,,,
JANE: Good boy.
Jane pats him on the head as she goes by,
patronizingly, like you’d pet a dog. Or Gamzee.
JANE: Harry Anderson, my dear!
HARRY ANDERSON: auntie jane!
Jane stoops down to her knees and throws her
arms open. Harry Anderson bolts across the room and throws himself
into her ample chest, nuzzling into her cheek as she laughs and
ruffles his hair fondly. John turns his head aside so that no one
sees the queasy face he’s making. Jane is, unfortunately, Harry
Anderson’s favorite aunt. She gained his affection the same way she
gains everyone’s affection: she fucking bought it.
JANE: Look at you! You’ve gotten so big and strong
since I last saw you!
HARRY ANDERSON: i grew a whole three inches!
JANE: Yes, I can see that. You’re going to be quite
the strapping young man before we know it.
JANE: Since it’s your first milestone birthday,
I’ve instructed my staff that you are to be spoiled like a little
prince today!
JANE: Right now they’re finishing off your cake.
It’s a recipe I invented just for you!
HARRY ANDERSON: gosh!
JANE: And I’ve got your present all wrapped up
too!
JANE: It’s too big to keep in the house, however,
so after cake and tea we’ll go see it in the backyard.
HARRY ANDERSON: you’re the best, auntie jane!
JOHN: oh no...
JOHN: jane. please don’t tell me you commissioned
one of those drone thingies for my son.
Jane rises to her feet, huffing.
JANE: And if I did, John, what would be the problem
with that?
JOHN: um...
JANE: Are you saying that you don’t want to assure
your son’s safety? In troubled times such as these, one can never
be too careful.
JOHN: roxy, back me up here honey.
JOHN: there’s no way you’d be ok with that,
right?
Roxy fiddles with one of her earrings and
casts her gaze around the room, looking at every and any thing but
her husband. Dave and Jade have also developed a profound interest
in the patterns woven into the expensive carpet under their
feet.
ROXY: er
ROXY: well i cant say im comfy with it but
JOHN: but???
ROXY: janey means well john and itd be rude to just
refuse a gift from my bestie like that
ROXY: besides ur just ASSUMIN she got harry
anderson an imperial drone
ROXY: she never said that was what it was
ROXY: did u jane
JANE: ...
Jane’s tight-jawed silence confirms that she
did, indeed, have a literal instrument of government oppression
crafted for their son on the momentous occasion of his fifth
birthday. John has to pinch his nose and practice controlled
breathing to keep himself from getting mad for real. Getting in an
argument right now would totally fuck up all his plans.
JOHN: ok. fine. you know what?
JOHN: i don’t care.
ROXY: rly
JOHN: yeah! it’s... it’s whatever. i get it. jane’s
just trying to show that she cares.
JANE: You know I do adore little Harry
Anderson.
JOHN: what i DO care about, however, is that
cake.
JOHN: and not eating it, i mean.
JANE: Excuse me?
JOHN: nothing personal, jane, it’s just that i’m
not the biggest fan of cakes.
JOHN: instead, i was wondering if maybe i could go
visit the trophy room? you know, the one where jake keeps all the
memorabilia from that dumb show he used to be on?
JANE: You mean “Poppin n’ Hoppin’ Pistol Lockin’
With Jake English”?
JOHN: no.
ROXY: or do u mean “doing the charleston with
notable social figureheads: stars versus enemies of the state with
your host jake english”
DAVE: that ones still running isnt it
JANE: Unfortunately, yes.
JOHN: um, yeah... that’s DEFINITELY not the one i
was talking about.
JADE: oh! you probably mean “afternoon gilly gaffy
amongst the common folk with your host j. gishy gun mcgee”
JOHN: no, god! these all sound so bad.
JOHN: i mean the one with dirk!
DAVE: dude
JANE: You mean the classic prime time program,
“Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch”?
JOHN: yeah! that one!
JADE: ew... why do you wanna go look at stuff from
rumble in da pumpkin patch???
JOHN: why not?
JADE: i dunno, it just seems kind of morbid with
dirk dead and all, dont you think?
JADE: also that show was REALLY gross
JADE: i support jake in whatever he does but it was
so... so.....
DAVE: sweaty
JADE: yeah!
JOHN: i dunno. i just feel like it was an important
cultural milestone, and i missed it all by being mopey and
depressed for like five years straight.
JOHN: so what do you think, tavros? wanna show me
all about your dad’s glory days?
Tavros blinks up at John in surprise.
JANE: Oh, I can take you there, John.
JOHN: NO!
JOHN: i mean... no, that’s fine.
JOHN: i’d like some time to get to know my
nephew.
JOHN: or, uh... cousin?
JOHN: ecto brother?
JADE: omg dave i just realized that when we get
married thatll make john and rose siblings in law
JADE: which is funny since i guess john is
technically already your father in law
DAVE: yup thats totally what our friendgroup
needs
DAVE: to be even more incestuous
HARRY ANDERSON: what does incestuous mean?
ROXY: it means that everyones rly good friends
harry anderson
ROXY: just a dumb fancy word for bffs
ROXY: its a big hard word for grownups tho so feel
free to unknow it now sweetie
DAVE: oh yeah
DAVE: thats totally it
TAVROS: Um,,,,,
JOHN: hey tavros.
JOHN: let’s go, buddy!
John sets a hand on Tavros’s back and pushes
him out of the room. When they’re upstairs together, far enough
away from the party, Tavros wrenches his hands together and
asks:
TAVROS: Uncle john,,, what’s the real reason
we’re up here,,,?
JOHN: oh. i could see that you were getting
uncomfortable.
JOHN: you don’t like being around big crowds like
that, do you?
TAVROS: ,,,
JOHN: but you don’t like to be alone, either?
TAVROS: ,,,,,
JOHN: well, not in this house at least. i wouldn’t
want to be alone here either. it’s not a very nice place to live,
is it?
TAVROS: I’m,,,, uh,,,, not sure i understand your
meaning, uncle john.
JOHN: here, come with me.
John grabs Tavros by his chubby wrist and
begins dragging him around a corner, from one featureless white
hallway into another.
TAVROS: This isn’t the right way,
JOHN: i know. hey tavros, why don’t we just go to
your room for a minute?
TAVROS: Oh,,,
Tavros tugs on John’s hand and leads him back
a few steps. With his free hand, he pushes a door open, revealing a
large, tidy bedroom. Four-poster bed, perfectly arranged bookshelf,
not a single toy out of place or on the floor; the room obviously
belongs to a five-year-old judging by the colorful wallpaper and
irreverent, clown-themed bedsheets, but there’s nothing in it to
suggest individualized expression of a developing personality.
Tavros sighs, his facial expression unchanging. He looks
resigned. To life in general, as well as whatever it is he’s
expecting from this particular situation. Wait... what is
he expecting from this situation, having been led away to a
secluded part of the house by an adult? What has he been taught to
expect?
JOHN: tavros...
JOHN: is everything ok?
TAVROS: ,,,
TAVROS: Yes, uncle john,,,
TAVROS: Why do you ask?
JOHN: you just seem...
JOHN: i don’t know.
JOHN: sad?
TAVROS: I feel okay,
TAVROS: It is a happy day, after all,,, it’s
harry anderson’s birthday,,,
TAVROS: There is good reason to be happy,
JOHN: yeah.
JOHN: but what about YOU.
JOHN: are you ACTUALLY happy about it?
JOHN: about... everything going on here?
TAVROS: I suppose,,,
TAVROS: My mother tends to get displeased when
i’m unhappy, so,,,
JOHN: sigh.
John walks a little further into the room,
inspecting the surroundings. He can hardly find a single fault. Not
a wrinkle in the sheets, nor a... John looks down. He takes a step
back to set his foot on the part of the floor he just stepped on.
He lifts it again, with some tacky resistance tugging at the sole
of his shoe. The floor is sticky here, like the floor of a movie
theater. He bends down to touch it, and give it a sniff. Just as he
thought. Faygo.
JOHN: tavros... does gamzee ever come into your
room?
TAVROS: Possibly,,,?
TAVROS: He so often is found to be in,,, so many
places,,,
John glances under the bed, then sees it. A
half-finished bottle of Faygo.
JOHN: isn’t that his faygo there??
TAVROS: Oh,,, my, no,
TAVROS: Please, uncle john,,, don’t tell my
mother,,,
JOHN: tell her what??
TAVROS: The faygo is mine,,, my uncle gives it to
me sometimes,,, my mother strictly forbids it, of course,,,,,
John nervously ponders this response, and
everything about the boy’s life it could be implying. He takes a
deep breath, and becomes very serious. He places a hand on Tavros’
shoulder, and looks him directly in the eye.
JOHN: tavros, listen to me.
JOHN: are you... getting... bad touched by your
uncle gamzee?
Tavros seems taken aback by the question. Then
appears thoughtful.
TAVROS: Oh,,, uh,,,,
TAVROS: No??
TAVROS: But, yes,,, i can gather how you might
draw that conclusion,,,
JOHN: you can?
JOHN: why?
TAVROS: It just seems like a thing that would
eventually happen to me, does it not?
A look of sadness washes over John’s face. A
sadness deeper than either kind he could summon for the previous
two funerals he’s attended.
JOHN: what would make you say that?
TAVROS: Well, i think,,,
TAVROS: For the same reason that led you yourself
to wonder, uncle john?
TAVROS: He is a very,,, very bad clown uncle,,,
but i think i am not allowed to say or think such a thing,,,,,
JOHN: why not?
TAVROS: Because,,, uncle gamzee has undertaken
his redemption arc,,,
TAVROS: With a spirit of great sincerity, i’ve
been told,,,
TAVROS: So,,,,, the truth is, no matter how i may
feel about him,
TAVROS: Mother tells me that he is not actually
bad,
TAVROS: And therefore,,, anything he does cannot
truly be considered bad either,
TAVROS: Otherwise, we are not respecting his
repentance,
TAVROS: Or the others he has saved,,,
Tavros sighs again. John makes no effort to
disguise his look of grave disapproval and sorrow.
TAVROS: I don’t want you to worry,,, too much,
though,
TAVROS: His occasional sojourns in my room are
not of any especially ill intent,,, i don’t think,
TAVROS: He has told me in confidence that his
intention is to train me,,,,,
JOHN: TRAIN you???
TAVROS: Yes,
TAVROS: In matters of combat,,, philosophy,,,
life,,, love,,,
TAVROS: I suppose to behave the way a mentor
does, as he sees it,,,
Anger wells up in John anew. He gets to his
feet in a flurry—a literal one. A gust of wind whisks through the
room, clattering open the closet door and rustling a perfectly
arranged stack of papers off the desk. They flutter through the
room like dead leaves caught in an autumn storm. Soon the room is
howling with his sustained winds.
JOHN: that’s IT!!!!!
JOHN: tavros, start packing right now.
TAVROS: Packing,,,?
JOHN: yeah. one bag with some of your clothes, your
favorite toys and books, that kind of thing.
TAVROS: I don’t understand,,,
JOHN: tavros. i have to get you out of here.
JOHN: *NOW*.
TAVROS: Uh,,, what?
JOHN: i’m going to take you away so that you can
live with me, harry anderson, and your aunt roxy.
JOHN: you wouldn’t have to live here anymore. no
more being alone all the time.
JOHN: no more weird troll maids, or listening to
your parents fight...
JOHN: and no more “uncle” fucking GAMZEE.
TAVROS: That does sound jolly good uncle
john,,,
JOHN: then what are you waiting for? start
packing!
TAVROS: Well,,, i would, except that we can’t go
out without tripping the security,,,
TAVROS: Mother has taken great precautions to
make sure i never,,,,,,,
JOHN: don’t worry, kid. i came prepared.
John produces his screwdriver and a length of
wire from the inside pocket of his suit jacket.
JOHN: we’re leaving through that window, one way or
another.
Tavros takes in a sharp breath before spinning
on his heel and stumbling toward his closet. John catches the ghost
of a smile on his face before he turns and that’s all it takes to
turn the pounding of his heart from terrified to thrilled. Yes,
what he’s about to do will probably send shock waves through their
already fragmented friend group. But Jane’s the one who started it.
She brought this on herself.
John starts opening the window, using all the tricks he’s
memorized from tutorials on the deep web to bypass the security
bolt. He whistles to himself, thinking about how happy Tavros is
going to be with him, Roxy, and Harry Anderson. Jane barely even
seems to like the kid. But Jake does. Jake loves him, even though
he was totally trapped into this unhappy relationship because of
the pregnancy. So it seems to John the only way to save Jake from
this unspeakable prison is to subtract the only thing he cares
about.
Roxy will be mad at first, but John is certain that she’ll...
she’ll what? Acquiesce? Is that really what he wants? He considers
with a sense of guilt how exhilarating it would it be if she
finally fought him on something. John starts laughing to himself
when the window pops open suddenly. No alarm goes off. The deep web
was right.
Fresh summer air rushes in and fills John’s lungs. His head
swims with the giddy, high feeling of being on the verge of getting
away with some shit. Wow, is this why people commit crimes? It
feels so good. He can’t wait to tell Terezi that he’s done
something so BOLD and 1LL3G4L. He starts laughing louder. Tavros is
laughing too, quiet and cautious at first, but picking up steam as
he begins to taste the sort of freedom he never allowed himself to
imagine.
John turns, shocked to see Jade standing in the bedroom doorway.
She looks like a shadow with her dark hair hiding her face. John
can’t tell what kind of expression she’s making under there. She
speaks softly.
JADE: john...... what are you doing?
JOHN: um...
JOHN: nothing!
JOHN: just, uh... fixing this damn broken window,
is all.
She twitches her dog-ears and raises her face.
Her mouth is a neutral line, but her eyes are burning
furiously.
The two of them stare at each other for a long
time. John isn’t sure how he’s supposed to read this moment. He
used to know Jade better than he knew anyone, but in recent years
she’s passed him by, just like the rest of the world. Tavros is
cowering in his closet, fiddling with the strap on his
backpack.
JOHN: so, what are you going to do?
JOHN: tell jane?
Jade flinches like she’s been hit. She flicks
her tail, breaks eye contact.
JADE: john...
JADE: i wouldnt do that to you
JADE: youd probably end up on jakes stupid
execution dance off show
JOHN: then are you gonna help me?
She shakes her head.
JADE: i cant do that either
JADE: you know that this is just going to make
everything worse right???
JOHN: jade, i don’t know where you’ve been these
past few years, but i don’t think things CAN get any worse!
JOHN: i mean, even today, jane was up here
hollering at jake about how his dick doesn’t work right when she
KNEW we were all waiting for them downstairs!
JADE: i know...
JADE: but all youre going to do by kidnapping him
is piss everyone off
TAVROS: Excuse me dearest aunt but,,, is it
kidnapping if i badly would like to go?
JOHN: see!
JADE: siiiiiigh
JADE: i understand where youre coming from but i
dont think youve actually thought this through
JOHN: yes i have, because i’ve been planning it for
years.
JOHN: i know that i’ve been pretty, um... flakey in
the past?
JOHN: but this is really important. i know what i’m
doing.
Jade sighs in frustration and pushes back her
bangs.
JADE: john, jane is one of the most POWERFUL people
on the ENTIRE PLANET!!!
JADE: do you REALLY think that you can keep him
away from her if she wants to get him back???
JADE: im sorry but you just dont know them like i
do
JOHN: if you know them so well, jade...
JOHN: then you know why i have to do this.
JADE: im on your side here! i know that jane hasnt
been the best parent...
JADE: but stealing somebodys child???
JADE: there has to be another way :/
A gust of wind blasts in through the window
and blows back Jade’s hair, leaving it all mussed over her
shoulders. John points at her.
JOHN: if there was another way we would have found
it by now!!!
JOHN: but there isn’t one, because everyone’s been
all... brainwashed by marriage, or whatever the hell happened over
the last few years that made things be this way!
JOHN: it’s like everyone just talks past each other
all the time!
JADE: john...
JOHN: i’m the only one who ever seems to realize
that something...
JOHN: that something’s WRONG!
TAVROS: I would really be chuffed if the two of
you,,,
JOHN: even you, jade!
JOHN: you’re not listening to me right now!
TAVROS: ,,,would stop quarreling and listen to me
for a spell,,,
JOHN: that’s why karkat left!
JOHN: because you didn’t listen to him!
JOHN: just like you don’t listen to dave!
JADE: what the fuck, john?!
JADE: this isnt about me and dave
JOHN: yes it is!
JOHN: i mean, not directly, but cosmically, yeah it
is!
JADE: cosmically?????
JOHN: you KNEW that dave and karkat were in love
with each other, but you went ahead and totally messed with their
relationship anyway!
JADE: wh... what!
JOHN: jade, don’t pretend you have no idea what
happened.
JADE: i.... i cant believe.....
JADE: john thats such a low blow!
JADE: you dont know the first thing about me and
daves relationship!!!
JOHN: i know more than you think i do!
JOHN: i know that you pressured them into that
whole relationship.
JOHN: i know that they both hated it, and only went
along with it because they care about you and felt obligated!
JOHN: and jade, i love you, but honestly, how does
that make you any different than jane?
JADE: im nothing like her!!!
JOHN: well, you’re nothing like the jade i used to
know either!
The wind in the room picks up. It skates
against the walls, dislodges books from the shelf, gets under the
bedsheets and balloons them off the mattress.
JOHN: the jade i used to know was caring and
selfless! all you ever wanted was for your friends to be safe!
JOHN: you weren’t this... this SELFISH!
JADE: oh? is that what this is about john??
JADE: you dont like it now that im not some
helpless princess in a tower anymore???
JADE: you dont like that im doing things for MYSELF
now?????
JOHN: what the hell are you talking about?
JOHN: seriously, jade... i don’t even know who you
are anymore!
JADE: well!!!
JADE: i can certainly say the same for you right
now!!!!!
TAVROS: Aunt jade,,, uncle john,,, you should
really, uh,,,,,,
John and Jade stop. There is another shadow
cast in the doorway. A much darker one.
She says in a sugar-sweet voice.
JANE: But what the FUCK is going on in here?!
TAVROS: Oh,,, no,,,,,
JADE: jane!! haha!!!
JADE: we were just
JANE: Hollering at each other so loudly that
everyone in the darned house can hear you?
JOHN: oh, like you’re one to talk.
JANE: John, I know that we have not been as close
in recent years as we were in the past, but I would like to think
that at the very least our familial relationship would make it so
that you felt you could talk to me face to face if you think that
my method of parenting is insufficient.
JOHN: are you sure?
JOHN: do you really want to know what i think?
JADE: oh no........
JANE: Please, John. Illuminate me.
A lash of wind whips from window to door and
down the hall in time to meet the rest of the partygoers, now
including Jake Crocker himself. They’ve all come upstairs to
investigate the noise. Tavros flinches when a book slams against
the closet door, two inches from his face.
ROXY: wats going on
DAVE: oh shit
JOHN: i don’t know, jane. i feel like if i really
speak my mind here, it might be dangerous.
JOHN: how do i know you won’t have the secret
police come and arrest me in the night?
JANE: Excuse me?
JOHN: that’s where this is all going, right?
JOHN: your whole... thing with the trolls?
JANE: If you have something to say, then say it
plainly, John.
JOHN: fine.
JOHN: i don’t think that you had bad intentions to
start out with, jane.
JOHN: in fact, i think that you probably honestly
thought that you were doing what was best for the world.
JOHN: you’ve always been a perfectionist, right?
but over the last few years you’ve morphed into a complete control
freak!
JOHN: and it all started with your relationship
with jake.
JOHN: you forced him into a relationship when
dirk’s corpse wasn’t even cold!
JAKE: (Er i would like to point out... )
JANE: I’m sorry, but you’re calling me a control
freak? Dirk was the control freak.
JANE: After he died, I distinctly remember
loosening up, in fact!
JANE: I let go! I was actually RELIEVED to hear he
died!!!
ROXY: uhh
ROXY: janey wut
JANE: Okay, that was a misleading statement. What I
really meant was—
JOHN: jane, you’re missing the point!
JAKE: (...that jane and i were involved in a
romantic dalliance at the time of his death...)
JOHN: dirk is dead. this isn’t about him
anymore.
JOHN: you’re the one cheering the government along
as it marches toward genocide!
JANE: John, I hardly think you’re qualified to
opine on the nuances of the current political situation, thank you
very much.
JOHN: ha! is that how you talk to your husband
too?
JANE: He’s actually, at the moment, my kismesis.
And if Jake didn’t want any of this, he shouldn’t have knocked me
up.
JAKE: Hello chaps i am right here.
JOHN: oh yeah, like that was suuuch an
accident.
JOHN: can you honestly say that he wanted any of
this!
The wind rises with the pitch of John’s
yelling, turning Tavros’s bedroom into a miniature tempest. The
gale upends the bookshelf, snaps open the toy box, and sends all
the debris spinning in every direction, smashing against the walls
and bedposts. John doesn’t seem to notice, encased in his own
cyclonic armor.
DAVE: oh my god i am so sick of all this domestic
relationship shit every fucking day
DAVE: can we talk about something else for once
JOHN: yeah dave, i’m sick of it too!
JOHN: that’s my point!!!
DAVE: ok
DAVE: then john can you just
DAVE: stop all this windy shit at least
JOHN: no! i can’t!
JOHN: i can’t stop, because i’m not the
problem!
JANE: Are you saying that I’m the problem? That’s
extremely reductive.
JOHN: ok, yeah, there are lots of problems!
JOHN: but i’ve got to say, jane, you kind of ARE
the problem?
JOHN: a lot of this awful garbage revolves around
you!
JOHN: you’re the one always selling everybody on
gamzee’s “redemption arc,” which is TOTAL BULLSHIT!
JOHN: putting him on billboards, organizing
“redemption rallies,” and, and...
JANE: John, the people need something to believe
in, if we are to live in an organized society. You simply wouldn’t
understand.
JOHN: and letting him... letting him sleep in your
and jake’s bed!
JOHN: and feeding him that... that weird MILK all
the time!
JOHN: UGH!!!
JANE: Hey! My relationship with my loyal auspistice
is none of your business, let alone who it is I decide to share a
bed with.
JOHN: isn’t it?!
JOHN: you sure go out of your way to shove it in
everyone’s face!
JANE: John, that is just uncalled for.
JOHN: it’s bullshit, jane!
JOHN: it’s!
JOHN: all!
JOHN: BULLSHIT!!!!!
The wind surges again. The window bangs open
so hard that it smashes against the pane, sending shards of glass
whipping through the storm. Everyone cowers from the rain of sharp
projectiles. John catches what he’s doing when he sees how
terrified the kids look. He shuts his eyes and digs his fingernails
into his palms, doing everything in his power to calm himself
down.
When he opens his eyes again, the room is completely destroyed.
Tavros is all the way in his closet, clinging white-knuckled to the
edge of the door. Everyone else is clustered around the doorway.
Jade stares at John with a dark expression. After a beat of
silence, Harry Anderson starts crying.
Roxy won’t meet his eyes. Dave won’t either.
John turns to Tavros, opens his mouth to apologize, but the kid
just ducks deeper into the closet, trembling.
JOHN: i’m sor—
JANE: No one wants to hear it, John.
John staggers back a few steps, toward the
broken window. His vision is blurring beneath a pool of angry tears
that he can’t hold back anymore. He wipes his face with both hands,
all sloppy and clumsy, the way he used to cry when he was a kid. He
doesn’t open his eyes again until he’s jumped through the open
window. The sky outside is dark.
He flies higher and higher, high enough that the air starts to
get thin and chilly. Up here, the Human Kingdom looks so small. He
can see the sun setting over the curvature of the Earth, a
brilliant arc of orange and red. It’s like looking down at a little
toy city, a ship in a bottle. That’s what the world feels like now:
a tiny, fake model planet living inside a bubble. Look too hard,
and the illusion cracks around the edges. Like the black hole in
John’s anime dreams. There’s a trembling in his hands that he
hasn’t felt in years. He looks up at the glimmering stratosphere
and imagines piercing through it. Would that pop the bubble, he
wonders? Or would he go hurtling through space, forever?
He’s contemplating that—just flying up as far as he can, until
he flies into the sun or stops existing or whatever—until he
realizes that his phone is buzzing in his pocket. He takes it out,
almost drops it because of how cold his hands are. His breath is
frosting in the air as he looks at the screen. The color of the
text sends a jolt through his blood. With shaking fingers, he
answers the text.
TEREZI: JOHN
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU TH3R3
TEREZI: 1 R34LLY N33D TO T4LK TO SOM3ON3 R1GHT
NOW
JOHN: yeah. me too.