KARKAT: SWIFER
KARKAT: SWIFER CAN YOU...
Karkat winces as the ground above him shakes
and a scattering of dirt and debris rains down from the roof of the
cave. His fledgling rebellion has found cover in the spiderweb
network of tunnels running to and from the troll capital originally
built to accommodate the transit of incestuous slurry from the
boonies to the Mother Grub. Though technically regarded as a
critical infrastructure project, the caves have never been used or
appropriately surveyed by the world government. Back when all were
on better terms, Jane was gracious enough to believe the maps
Kanaya handed over were anything approaching accurate. With the
tunnel entrances at the brood pit sealed, the rebellion was safe
for now. But the presidential drones were testing the grounds
relentlessly: closer and closer every day now.
It’s not the dirt that’s bothering him. Dirt is something you
get used to, living hand-to-mouth inside a cave. It’s that
persistent fucking leak directly above his desk that is driving him
to distraction.
Swifer Eggmop pokes her head into the
chamber.
SWIFER: Aye aye Commander! What’s up?
Karkat pinches the bridge of his nose.
KARKAT: FOR THE LAST TIME, DON’T CALL ME
THAT.
SWIFER: Why not, Commander? Yer the Commander,
ain’t you?
KARKAT: NO, I AM NOT THE “COMMANDER.”
KARKAT: DID I EVER ASK TO BE IN CHARGE?
KARKAT: DID I EVER ACCEPT AN OFFICIAL APPOINTMENT
FROM SOME OSTENTATIOUS MILITARY BOARD?
KARKAT: HAVE I EVER SUCCESSFULLY LED A CAMPAIGN
AGAINST THE INCREASINGLY OPPRESSIVE REGIME THAT WE SUFFER UNDER ON
A DAILY BASIS?
KARKAT: THE ANSWER TO ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS IS
CATEGORICALLY AND CATASTROPHICALLY: FUCK. NO.
SWIFER: Well gee, Commander. I think it’s more of
a symbolic title, representin’ how much faith everyone has in
you.
KARKAT: WHAT FUCKING FAITH?
KARKAT: AS JUST DISCUSSED I HAVEN’T DONE A DAMN
THING TO EARN ANYONE’S FAITH.
KARKAT: SO FAR ALL THIS “TROLL REBELLION” HAS
AMOUNTED TO IS A WHOLE LOT OF DICK ALL, WITH AN ADDITIONAL SIDE
SERVING OF JACK SQUAT, FOLLOWED UP BY A FINAL COURSE OF GETTING TO
WATCH OUR TOP ANALYST, CLIPER BORDEN, BEING FORCED TO DANCE TO
AVOID LIFE IMPRISONMENT IN A LABOR CAMP ON LIVE TELEVISION AND
MAKING A COMPLETE ASS OF HIMSELF.
Karkat gestures toward the display screen
showing a commercial for the next episode of Doing the
Charleston with Notable Social Figureheads: Stars Versus Enemies of
the State, with Your Host Jake English. Swifer’s taciturn
broodmate Cliper is indeed making an absolute fool of himself in
the recap from the previous week’s show, failing to keep time with
the jaunty beat and struggling to knock his knees together with the
required vigor. The fact that he is shackled at the wrists doesn’t
seem to be helping.
SWIFER: Poor Cliper.
SWIFER: He could record a stat like nobody’s
business but no one ever taught the boy how to dance.
SWIFER: If only we knew, this all coulda been
avoided.
KARKAT: NO!
KARKAT: HE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DANCE IF HE DOESN’T
WANT TO.
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT SWIFER.
SWIFER: Oh.
KARKAT: BUT WHAT’S THE POINT IF I CAN’T EVEN SAVE
ONE OF MY LIEUTENANTS FROM MORTIFYING PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT FOLLOWED
BY A LIFETIME OF HARD LABOR IN THE CAKE MILLS?
KARKAT: IF I CAN’T PROTECT MEMBERS OF THE
SO-CALLED RESISTANCE FROM THE FICKLE AND CRUEL VAGARIES OF JANE’S
INSANE, PASTRY-BASED SHADOW DICTATORSHIP, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO
PROTECT THE COMMON PEOPLE?
Swifer frowns and tugs at the kerchief around
her neck.
SWIFER: Golly. Look Commander. That’s a big
question that I think you gotta take up with someone more in the
know than myself.
SWIFER: I just swif the floors.
KARKAT: OH, YEAH. RIGHT.
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH.
KARKAT: THE LEAK IN THE CEILING?
Karkat throws both hands in the air
melodramatically. A drop of stale water plops off one of his nubby
little horns.
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, RIGHT ABOVE THE PLACE WHERE WE
KEEP ALL OF OUR FRAGILE LOGISTICS EQUIPMENT?
KARKAT: DIDN’T I TELL YOU TO FIX THAT A FUCKING
WEEK AGO?
SWIFER: Well sir you told me to “take care of it”
and I sure as heck took care of it!
KARKAT: THEN WHY IS IT STILL LEAKING?
SWIFER: Oh. By “fix” you meant that you wanted me
to plug the crack!
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK I MEANT?
SWIFER: I thought you meant for me to mop up the
water that had gathered...
SWIFER: And then use that water to swif the
bejeebus out of the floors.
SWIFER: Which is, by all accounts, what I
did.
Karkat gapes at her, open-mouthed. She grins
back, unaware of any mistake on her part. The only thing he can do
is bury his face in his palms.
KARKAT: UGH.
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT?
KARKAT: I’M GOING TO GET SOME FRESH AIR.
KARKAT: BY THE TIME I GET BACK I EXPECT THE HOLE
IN THE CEILING TO BE “““SWIFED””” THE FUCK CLOSED.
KARKAT: OR AT THE VERY LEAST
KARKAT: PUT A FUCKING BUCKET UNDER THE LEAK OR
SOMETHING.
SWIFER: Sir! Oh my gosh! A bucket? Sh-should we
be seen...
SWIFER: Consortin’ with a bucket?
SWIFER: *Together*??
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.
KARKAT: GROW THE FUCK UP, EGGMOP.
He stalks past his blushing assistant with a
belabored sigh. Karkat has lived with humans for so long that he’s
grown used to seeing buckets regularly defiled. Now that he thinks
about it, he realizes Jade has used more buckets to grow snap peas
in her living room than any troll has used for the purposes of
reproduction in the entire history of Earth C. The bucket taboo is
largely emblematic at this point. An empty signifier for an
endangered culture.
As he stomps through the winding tunnels, thinking very hard
about this incredibly tragic thing, his speaker crab crackles to
life.
KANAYA: Well
KANAYA: That Was A Lot
KARKAT: OH SHIT.
KARKAT: I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU WERE STILL ON THE
LINE.
KANAYA: We Hadnt Finished Our Conversation About
The Clandestine Transportation Of The Mother Grub
KANAYA: Which I Hope You Realize Is Still An
Operation Of Grave Importance At Least On Par With The Terrible
Threat Of The Leak In Your Office
KARKAT: SORRY. I KIND OF HAVE A LOT GOING ON
RIGHT NOW.
KANAYA: I Can See That
KANAYA: Please Do Not Be So Hard On Swifer She
Really Does Try Her Best
KARKAT: YEAH. I KNOW.
KARKAT: TO BE HONEST THAT WASN’T ABOUT SWIFER AT
ALL. OR EVEN ABOUT THE LEAK.
KANAYA: Yes Karkat That Was Obvious
KANAYA: Rose And I Have Been Following The Dance
Off Tribunals Very Closely This Month
KANAYA: Your Lieutenant Does Not Have A
Chance
KANAYA: But Do Not Let It Weigh Heavily On
You
KANAYA: Everyone Who Joins The Rebellion Knows
That Being Exiled To The Cake Mills Is A Very Real Possibility If
They Are Caught
KANAYA: That Includes You Karkat
KANAYA: If You Bear The Responsibility For The
Lives Of Every Member Of The Rebellion Youll Crack Under The
Stress
KANAYA: And As Much As You Are Loath To Admit
It
KANAYA: You Are The Face Of This Movement
KARKAT: YEAH.
KARKAT: I HATE IT, BUT YOU’RE RIGHT.
KARKAT: FUCK YOU, YOU’RE ALWAYS RIGHT.
KANAYA: As My Wife Likes To Tell Me Often
KARKAT: UGH. FUCK HER, SHE’S ALWAYS RIGHT
TOO.
KARKAT: HOW THE HELL DO YOU TWO TOLERATE EACH
OTHER?
KANAYA: Quite Thoroughly Enthusiastically And
Often
KARKAT: WOW. UGH. OK.
KARKAT: THAT’S ENOUGH OF YOU FOR TODAY.
KANAYA: Oh I Am Sorry I Did Not Mean To Rub My
Interspecies Happiness In Your Face I Understand That Its A Sore
Subject
KARKAT: THE ONLY THING THAT’S SORE IS MY
EAVESDROP FUNNELS FROM LISTENING TO YOUR ENDLESS MOTHERING.
KANAYA: Karkat I Am Sure That If You Were To
Just
KARKAT: DON’T
KANAYA: Call Dave And Ask Him To Join You...
KARKAT: WOW, IS THAT ANOTHER CAVE-IN I HEAR
HAPPENING SUDDENLY ALL AROUND ME?
KANAYA: He Would Be At Your Side Instantly
KARKAT: KANAYA WE’RE BEING OVERRUN BY IMPERIAL
DRONES! IT’S HORRIBLE! THERE’S DEATH AND FIRE EVERYWHERE, AND ALSO
I CAN’T HEAR A FUCKING WORD YOU’RE SAYING, SO IF YOU WERE TO EVER
TO ATTEMPT TO REFERENCE THIS CONVERSATION IN THE FUTURE I WOULD
HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT
KARKAT: SO IT WOULD PROBABLY BE BEST FOR EVERYONE
INVOLVED IF YOU’D DROP THE SUBJECT AND NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN!
KANAYA: Okay Karkat Have A Good Walk Ill Talk To
You About The Mother Grub Tomorrow
KANAYA: Goodbye And Take Care
KARKAT: OH. YEAH. YOU TAKE CARE TOO. TALK TO YOU
TOMORROW.
Karkat makes extra-triple sure that he’s
actually hung up on Kanaya for real this time, by fiddling with the
tiny claw on his speaker crab until it’s in the off position. The
action of tuning his outdated wristwatch is interrupted by another
earthquake rumbling around him. This one sounds different, however.
He knows the sound of a drone strike like the back of his hand by
now. It’s a low, creeping bellow that pulses through the ground in
waves. This sounds more like an impact that left a crater. The last
time something struck the planet that hard, it was Jade’s creepy
undead corpse.
Karkat runs for the nearest exit and cautiously pokes his head
out into the clearing above. There’s a figure in the smoke: her
stumbling silhouette includes an unmistakable pair of horns. She
takes two steps out of her crater before falling flat on her face
again. Karkat runs to help her, putting her arm over his shoulders
and dragging her out of the dust cloud from the impact.
KARKAT: MEENAH??
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Meenah blinks up at him with a pair of eyes
that seem different to him somehow, but he can’t put his finger on
it. He has to admit, it’s been a long time since he saw her. She
seems singed, woozy, but mostly undamaged.
MEENAH: woah shouty mcnubs that you
KARKAT: UH, THAT’S STILL NOT MY NAME. BUT
YEAH.
MEENAH: nice
KARKAT: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FIGHTING LORD
ENGLISH?
KARKAT: DID THAT WORK OUT OR... WHAT?
MEENAH: nah it was a total wash
KARKAT: OH.
Karkat continues inspecting her without much
concern for coming across as weird. He knows something’s off about
her, he just can’t figure out what. Then a reflective gleam catches
his eye. A gold ring on her finger. He glances back up to look in
her eyes. They aren’t blank, like all the other fallen ghosts’ eyes
are.
KARKAT: WAIT A MINUTE.
KARKAT: ARE YOU...
KARKAT: ALIVE???
MEENAH: yeah bitch
MEENAH: im back 38)
KARKAT: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT RING?
KARKAT: WAIT, YOU DIDN’T...
KARKAT: MEENAH, DID YOU ROB CALLIOPE?!
MEENAH: who
KARKAT: THE GIRL WITH THE HIDEOUS GREEN SKULL FOR
A HEAD.
KARKAT: THAT WAS HER RING. I WAS UNDER THE
IMPRESSION SHE NEEDED THAT TO LIVE!
MEENAH: oh
MEENAH: nah man
MEENAH: its not hers i got it from some other
total sucker
KARKAT: WHO???
MEENAH: dont matter
MEENAH: complete bonehead chump you aint be
hearin from again
KARKAT: MEENAH, ARE YOU FUCKING LYING TO ME.
MEENAH: nubs i wouldnt do that to you
MEENAH: not after all this time
MEENAH: ya girls fine this shits my own damn
ring
MEENAH: capisces?
Karkat side-eyes the revived heiress,
flinching only slightly at that last pun, before offering a
reluctant nod.
MEENAH: what are you up to?
KARKAT: WELL...
KARKAT: THAT’S LIKE, A WHOLE FUCKING
EXPLANATION.
MEENAH: splain awave nubby
KARKAT: I’M SORT OF IN THE MIDDLE OF STAGING A
WIDE SCALE GRASSROOTS REBELLION AGAINST AN INCREASINGLY
AUTHORITARIAN GLOBAL HEGEMONY THAT IS OPPRESSING OUR PEOPLE.
MEENAH: hmm
Meenah leans in, assessing Karkat with a
rapacious, shark-toothed grin. It seems that whatever she’s seeing
in this older, battle-hardened version of Karkat impresses her. She
starts laughing, big and bright. She slaps him so hard on the
shoulder that he nearly falls down.
KARKAT: ACK.
MEENAH: now thats what im TALKIN about
MEENAH: yeah i could use a new seacond in
command
KARKAT: ACTUALLY, YOU’D BE *MY* SECOND IN
COMMAND.
KARKAT: NO OFFENSE OR ANYTHING, BUT MY FACE IS
ALREADY ON ALL THE POSTERS.
KARKAT: ALSO I DON’T EXACTLY HAVE THE MOST
CONFIDENCE IN YOUR COMMAND ABILITIES CONSIDERING THE LAST TIME I
SAW YOU, YOU WERE TALKING BIG ABOUT HOW YOU WERE GOING TO TAKE DOWN
LORD ENGLISH, AND NOW YOU’RE EATING DIRT ON OUR SHITTY NEW PLANET
LOOKING PRETTY FUCKING DEFEATED.
KARKAT: BUT TO BE HONEST, I NEED ALL THE HELP I
CAN GET.
MEENAH: oh yea no problem
MEENAH: ill be your fuckin second guy
KARKAT: YOU WILL?
MEENAH: flip yes
KARKAT: WOW
MEENAH: yeah dude just point me at where the
actions at i dont even give a fuck
MEENAH: water the orders boss
KARKAT: OK THIS IS LIKE
KARKAT: I’M NOT EVEN SURE HOW TO SAY THIS?
KARKAT: I’M ACTUALLY REALLY FLATTERED, AND KIND
OF SINCERELY HONORED THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WANT TO FOLLOW ME?
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE, COMPLETELY NOT AT ALL WHAT
I...
MEENAH: youre ruining it dude
KARKAT: OH
KARKAT: FUCK. SORRY.
KARKAT: I MEAN...
KARKAT: HEY!
KARKAT: FISH ASSHOLE!
MEENAH: who me
KARKAT: YES FUCKING YOU. THE FALLEN FASCIST
DIPSHIT WITH THE STOLEN RING.
KARKAT: GET THE *FUCK* IN LINE, BEFORE I *PUT*
YOU IN LINE!
MEENAH: oh
MEENAH: oh wow
MEENAH: Y-ES
MEENAH: Y---ES SIR!!! 38D
Karkat reaches out and takes her hand. She has
a very firm handshake. So firm that Karkat winces an eye shut when
she squeezes and hopes that she doesn’t notice how much his smile
has turned into a grimace.
Above them, the sky tears open again, and again. A new wave of
ghosts pours in from Meenah’s doomed assault.
MEENAH: well here comes the caviarlry
KARKAT: THE WHAT?
MEENAH: the cavia—
KARKAT: I’M ALSO FUCKING ORDERING YOU TO STOP
MAKING GARBAGE FISH PUNS FOREVER.