JADE: arent you guys happy to get out of the house
for once!!!
Jade’s tail swishes back and forth under her
striped skirt as she takes a great, big sniff of the fresh outside
air. It’s early evening on the outskirts of the Troll Kingdom. One
by one, neon-bright windows are lighting up on the hives in the
distance. Karkat is still shielding his eyes against the dying
strains of the sunset. His shoulders are scrunched up so high that
his cheeks disappear into his turtleneck.
KARKAT: NO ACTUALLY.
KARKAT: I DON’T GET WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT IT. I
CAN SEE THE SAME BULLSHIT FROM THE COMFORT OF MY HOUSE.
KARKAT: CHECK IT OUT. A GIANT BILLBOARD OF JAKE
ENGLISH COMPLETE WITH A GYRATING MECHANICAL ASS.
KARKAT: WHAT A TOTALLY NECESSARY THING TO SHOVE
RIGHT INTO MY GANDER BULBS.
KARKAT: DEFINITELY COULDN’T HAVE LIVED WITHOUT
SEEING THAT.
DAVE: dude ok dont pretend you dont spend at least
15% of your day ogling jakes ass on television anyway
DAVE: in fact youre doing it right now
KARKAT: WELL I CAN’T HELP IT, DAVE, IT’S RIGHT
FUCKING THERE.
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, ARE THE MECHANICAL GLUTES ON
THAT BILLBOARD ACTUALLY PADDED WITH PLUSH TO MAKE THEM MORE
LIFELIKE?
DAVE: yeah see crazed fans kept climbing the
billboards to cop a feel so dirk designed the second run of them to
have an accurate recreation of jakes butt density
KARKAT: HE DID WHAT?
DAVE: its wild dude its like exactly spot on
KARKAT: WAIT
KARKAT: HOLY FUCK, HAVE YOU ACTUALLY TOUCHED
JAKE’S ASS???
DAVE: i mean not necessarily on purpose but who
hasnt
DAVE: like i wouldnt say its so much that i touched
his ass its more like his ass copped a feel of my sweaty palm one
time and my poor fingers havent been the same since
DAVE: sometimes i wake up from a fevered sleep and
find my reluctant groping hand huddled in the corner of my bed all
shaking and shit
DAVE: the mind represses but the body remembers
DAVE: ive thought about taking my hand to a
psychologist but i dont think the little guy is ready to talk about
it yet
DAVE: anyway have you seriously never touched
it
KARKAT: I HAVEN’T!
DAVE: not even by accident like brushing by in a
crowded elevator
KARKAT: NO
KARKAT: I DON’T SPEND A LOT OF TIME STANDING IN
ELEVATORS WITH JAKE FUCKING ENGLISH, OR FOR THAT MATTER, DOING MUCH
OF ANYTHING WITH THE IDIOT, AS YOU WELL KNOW.
DAVE: what im hearing is youve tragically never
touched his ass and its a bit of a sore subject with you
DAVE: is that why youre so obsessed with it
KARKAT: ?????
DAVE: do you wanna touch it
DAVE: shit can be arranged my dude
DAVE: here ill text dirk right now i bet he can
pencil you in to cop a feel sometime next week
KARKAT: NO I DON’T WANT TO. PUT YOUR PHONE THE
FUCK AWAY.
KARKAT: WE ARE NEVER HAVING A PLAYDATE WITH DIRK
AND JAKE AGAIN, ESPECIALLY NOT ONE ARRANGED FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE
OF ASSAULTING ONE OF THEM.
DAVE: dude jake lives for this shit
DAVE: its not assault if his ass is begging for
it
DAVE: wait wow that sounded bad
DAVE: lets strike that one from the record
DAVE: anyway its no problem he literally will be
delighted to hear you want to spend time with him for some insane
reason
KARKAT: STOP TEXTING RIGHT NOW!!!
Karkat tries to tear Dave’s phone out of his
hand, but Dave simply levitates several inches off the ground to
hold it just out of jumping distance. Jade, pouting a bit, glides
in between them and uses her Space powers to teleport Dave’s phone
out from the center of his traumatized palm and into the pocket of
her sweater.
JADE: hey can we focus here?
JADE: jakes ass isnt the one you two should be
talking about right now
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, JADE DO YOU EVER FUCKING
STOP.
KARKAT: I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR ASS EITHER.
KARKAT: I’VE SEEN IT ABOUT AS MANY TIMES AS I’VE
SEEN JAKE’S. THE NOVELTY HAS WORN OFF, ASSUMING THERE EVEN WAS MUCH
TO BEGIN WITH.
Jade leers at the boy who may have just
implied her ass was nothing to write home about. Her canines are
longer and sharper than a normal human’s, making her grin seem more
predatory in nature, especially when she wants it to be. Karkat
shivers at the sight of it.
JADE: thats NOT what im talking about...
Jade grabs Karkat’s right hand, and then
Dave’s left one, and she begins to pull them toward each other.
Both boys recoil, but she is much stronger than them.
DAVE: jade
DAVE: cmon what are you...
She’s doing it. She’s making it hapen.
JADE: this is a DATE dummies!
KARKAT: NO, STOP!
DAVE: dude
Karkat makes a fist so tight that his nubby
fingernails pinch his skin. Dave does the opposite. He makes a flat
palm, and raises it as if to stop traffic.
JADE: no..... let me.... show you....
JADE: you have to... turn it... flipwise!
She turns Dave’s hand so that it’s cupping
Karkat’s angry little fist in its palm. When she pries Karkat’s
fingers open finally, they snap close around Dave’s almost
automatically. Karkat’s eyes go a little lightbulb-like. Dave’s
gone pale and a bit sweaty.
Jade claps, then makes a rectangle with her thumbs and
forefingers, framing her hand-holding besties at the center of it.
She’s taking a picture with her brain right now—Dave and Karkat,
being all shy and intimate with the romantic backdrop of a
brilliant twilight behind them. A pretty portrait. Put her in the
middle of it, and it’s a work of art. Just what she wants the rest
of her life to be. After all, where would these two pitiful beta
boys be without her?
JADE: see i dont mind at all!
JADE: i would never try to break up what you two
have.... im just trying to make it BETTER!
With a satisfied smile, Jade dips under their
arms and hooks her hands around either waist, pulling Dave and
Karkat up flush against her. Their fingers remain entwined behind
her back. She begins walking them down the ridge of the hill,
beaming brighter than the first stars in the sky.
JADE: see isnt this perfect?
JADE: it could be like this all the time you
know... the three of us in every combination
JADE: or whatever combinations you two are
comfortable with
JADE: heheheheh.... positions too!!!
Dave has gone catatonic. Karkat’s just as
quiet, but it’s a quiet that’s as loud and alarmed as his actual
voice. He’s got his head turned away from the situation he’s been
forced into, as far as it will go. He’s concentrating so hard on
looking elsewhere that he trips over a rock and is only saved by
Jade picking the three of them off the ground as she takes flight.
Karkat’s legs flail when his feet go out from under him.
KARKAT: AUGH! DON’T DO THAT!
KARKAT: YOU KNOW I FUCKING HATE THAT!
Jade sets them back on the ground, cackling
like the witch she is. Karkat still won’t look at her. She stops
laughing abruptly, sensing that her plan isn’t going as well as
she’d hoped. She views the two boys as a broken electrical circuit,
and herself as the conductor between the two charged points. She
just needs to maneuver it into the correct configuration, like she
did with their hands. She does a few quick calculations in her
head, refusing to give up on her assumption that relationship
issues can be solved the same way math problems can.
JADE: dont worry karkat theres nothing to be scared
of...
JADE: well take care of you... right dave?
Dave doesn’t answer. She answers for him by
leaning down and planting a dry, affectionate kiss on Karkat’s
cheek. He yelps and leaps away like he’s been scalded by a burning
iron, liberating himself from the deeply uncomfortable hug
triad.
KARKAT: OKAY THAT IS IT.
KARKAT: I AM DRAWING A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND
RIGHT HERE AND NOW, JADE. YOU WILL CEASE THIS ENDLESS VIOLATION OF
MY PERSON WITH YOUR MOUTH, FINGERS, AND OCCASIONALLY, YOUR FUCKING
TAIL.
KARKAT: I AM NOT A PIECE OF MEAT THAT YOU CAN
BRUTALLY AND VICIOUSLY MOLEST WHENEVER YOU’RE BORED.
JADE: brutally and viciously?????
JADE: :\
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, IT’S POSSIBLE I’M OVERREACTING.
BUT THAT’S MY *FUCKING RIGHT* AS A FREE AND AUTONOMOUS PERSON WITH
A CERTAIN DEGREE OF FUNDAMENTAL BODILY SOVEREIGNTY ENDOWED TO HIM
BY THE GODS OF *MOTHER FUCKING CONSENT*.
DAVE: (mm hm)
JADE: sigh...
KARKAT: BUT I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M
GETTING AT HERE, WHICH IS THAT I WANT YOU TO STOP DOING SHIT LIKE
KISSING ME WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION FIRST.
JADE: karkat youre absolutely right
JADE: and i couldnt agree more with you on issues
of consent as everyone whos gotten to know me well enough is
perfectly aware
JADE: BUT
JADE: im not the one who kissed you silly.....
KARKAT: WHA...?
Jade covers her mouth coquettishly and
winks.
JADE: it was.......DAVE!!!!!
Dave turns around, shoulders going rigid, and
eyes popping open like he’s just awoken from one of the terrible,
sweaty nightmares he was projecting onto his hand earlier.
DAVE: i what
JADE: you kissed karkat! finally!!!
DAVE: n
DAVE: no
DAVE: no i didnt
DAVE: why would i...
Dave hesitates. Jade is giddy with
anticipation. She couldn’t possibly look more pleased by her own
handiwork.
DAVE: i have no idea what youre talking about
DAVE: i would never
DAVE: youre wack jade im not
JADE: wack????
DAVE: why would i kiss karkat ive never even once
thought about kissing karkat
DAVE: how would you even fucking do it
DAVE: hes so
DAVE: petite
KARKAT: I’M WHAT?!
DAVE: youre like
DAVE: ok yeah im gonna admit that was a weird thing
to say and has got dick all to do with your kissability
KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT.
KARKAT: CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS YET??
DAVE: what i mean is like
DAVE: how could somebody kiss this guy
DAVE: like anybody
DAVE: when his teeth are so
KARKAT: WHEN MY TEETH ARE *FUCKING WHAT*?!
DAVE: dude
DAVE: theyre just
DAVE: like theyre huge and
DAVE: not always in your mouth
DAVE: so like how would a guy get his tongue in
there
KARKAT: TONGUE??????????
Karkat begins hyperventilating, and
momentarily forgets his beef with Jade long enough to lean on her
to prevent himself from toppling over.
DAVE: youd have to be really careful to like
DAVE: i mean if you were INTENDING to kiss
karkat
DAVE: i mean its not like ive put any thought into
this
DAVE: but youd have to be so careful like just so
totally gentle in your approach to it because hes so
KARKAT: ENOUGH!
KARKAT: CEASE! I COMMAND YOU!
DAVE: you know
DAVE: like this
DAVE: idk im just spitballing and this is literally
the first time the thought has like
DAVE: EVER popped in my head?
DAVE: but upon earnest reflection i dunno if im up
to the task
DAVE: um
Dave’s mouth hangs open a bit. His gaze flits
from Karkat to Jade and back again. His palms are wet, but his
mouth is dry.
DAVE: im not
DAVE: i was never
DAVE: were not
Dave’s mumbling protest slows to a stop.
DAVE: actually ya know what
DAVE: i dont have time for this
DAVE: peace dudes
Dave ollies the fuck out of there,
flash-stepping between one second to the next, disappearing thirty
seconds into the future with the gusto of a piece of garbage flying
into the fucking sun. Jade stares after him, blinking at the glare
of the afterimage he left behind. It’s a glimmering slice of
ultraviolet that only she can see. It lingers in the unstable
particles between the air.
She huffs and puts her hands on her hips.
JADE: wow RUDE!
JADE: siiigh. i forget sometimes how immature dave
can be
JADE: well karkat i guess its just us.... do you
still wanna go split a plateau of grub spaghetti at the noodle
barn?
Karkat, when she turns to address him, is
staring at her slack-jawed. He takes a step back, but isn’t
watching where he puts his foot. His heel goes into a dip in the
hill and he goes stumbling backwards, feet over head.
KARKAT: AH!! FUCK!!!
KARKAT: JADE!!
KARKAT: WOULD!
KARKAT: YOU!
KARKAT: FUCK! OUCH!
KARKAT: A LITTLE!
KARKAT: HELP?!
KARKAT: MAYBE?
KARKAT: AAUUUUGH!
Jade could probably catch him. Actually, she
could easily do it, but it doesn’t seem like the kind of favor you
should do in a fledgling kismesissitude. So instead she watches him
roll all the way to the foot of the hill, knees and elbows bouncing
around all rag-dolled and furious as he swears up a storm. He hits
the ground back first and just lays there for a few minutes,
completely owned. He watches the darkening sky with a hollow look
on his face for at least an entire minute. Then he slowly pulls
himself to his feet and brushes the brambles off his pants. He
points up the hill at Jade and shouts.
KARKAT: FOR THE RECORD
KARKAT: JUST SO WE’RE BOTH CLEAR
KARKAT: THIS IS WHY I HATE LEAVING THE *FUCKING
HOUSE*!!!!!!!
He absconds, limping a little and rubbing the
left side of his ass, which unfortunately for him affords nowhere
near the level of padding as Jake’s legendary backside. Jade puffs
out both of her cheeks and stares after him.
JADE: well i guess im eating grub spaghetti
alone
JADE: *again*!!!