DAVE: so we gotta hit jane right in her neoliberal
austerity measures were all agreed on that right
KARKAT: UH HUH.
JADE: yeah sure
DAVE: now shes gonna spin some shit about supply
side economics but we cant let her control the narrative on that
one cause the first thing thats gonna happen once she begins
deregulating the baking industry is that some sweet dumb crocodile
down in consort land is gonna start putting sparkle glue in the
cupcake mix which isnt even the real issue thats just surface
issues
KARKAT: RIGHT.
JADE: definitely
DAVE: i mean earth c has just been play acting
capitalism the last five thousand years while we timeskipped ahead
to live rad lives as gods without bothering with any of the boring
shit that goes into making a civilization
DAVE: which is fine i mean you cant really expect a
bunch of teens who didnt finish middle school to set up a
sustainable form of social democracy that isnt just blatantly
ripped off whatever we incorrectly thought obama god rest his soul
was doing back in the day
KARKAT: SIGH
DAVE: but janes got this old school mentality you
just know she wants to restrict grist alchemy for the sake of
“growth” and when that goes down itll take three seconds flat for
some nobody in new dersetown to drop the earth c communist
manifesto
DAVE: at which point were in for a speedrun of
either our 20th century or her 21st century
DAVE: were gonna glitch under the map straight from
marx to clown dictatorship
DAVE: which also isnt the real issue
KARKAT: OH YEAH.
JADE: of course
DAVE: are you two even listening or are you just
making noises with your mouths
KARKAT: HOW DARE YOU.
KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M BEING ACCUSED BY DAVE
STRIDER, REIGNING EMPEROR OF SPEWING ENDLESS VERBAL DIARRHEA
DIRECTLY INTO MY INNOCENT HEAR DUCTS EVERY DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE,
OF MAKING THOUGHTLESS MOUTH NOISES.
KARKAT: JADE, ARE YOU HEARING THIS?
JADE: im scandalized
JADE: especially when
JADE: there are much better things we could all be
doing with our mouths.....
It’s been a really nice day they’ve been
having, and then Jade had to go say something like that. The air in
the hive changes in a way that is palpable, in a way that she can’t
seem to accurately gauge despite having both superhuman and
superdog senses. She’s lying on her stomach on the floor, chin in
her palms, glasses slid down to the tip of her nose, kicking her
legs in the air. Elements of her outfit resemble her god tier
jammies: peasant skirt, sparkly flats, and a bold choice in striped
tights. Her tail swishes from side to side, showing way too much of
her thigh, which isn’t really all that salacious considering three
of her bras are thrown over the back of the couch where she crashed
last night, and the night before that, and the better part of the
seven years before that. There are other personal effects of hers
in the living room too: plants on the windowstill, her bass guitar
sitting in a corner, a horrific-looking periodic table that Dave
made her for her seventeenth birthday pinned above the stairwell.
He typed it in Comic Sans, and then deep-fried it to oblivion with
JPEG artifacts.
Everyone in this room knows each other way too well, so what
happens next goes a little like clockwork.
KARKAT: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Says Karkat, for like thirty seconds straight
as he retreats into the bulk of his sweater. He scoots a half foot
to put his back against the couch when Jade pushes her glasses up
the bridge of her nose and looks at him.
And Dave, with his preternaturally perfect timing, sweeps a hand
over his tablet to bring up a new PowerPoint slide on the TV. He
returns to his Comic Sans-written political presentation, gruesome
artifacts and all, with the grace and proficiency of a man who has
diffused an awkward situation in his own household many times per
day, every day, for many years.
DAVE: anyway we all know the real issue is troll
reproduction
DAVE: this election season is gonna be so jacked up
with dogwhistles jade will never sleep again
JADE: woof!
DAVE: yo get ready for the top propaganda hits of
the year
DAVE: alternia: brutal eugenics based space
dictatorship
KARKAT: NOT UNTRUE.
DAVE: troll homeworld: lord of the flies nightmare
scenario where kids murder each other just to get the chance to get
to grow up and murder other aliens instead
KARKAT: IT WASN’T THAT BAD.
DAVE: actual names of professions on alternia:
threshecutioner
DAVE: legislacerator
DAVE: minister of sucking the eyeballs out of your
fucking skull then putting my two monstrous hr giger tier troll
dicks up in there and just mashing the shit out of your brain with
them
KARKAT: YOU MADE THAT LAST ONE UP.
KARKAT: ALSO, IT WAS DISGUSTING??
KARKAT: GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU UTTERLY
CONTEMPTIBLE, POTTY MOUTHED *CUNT*.
JADE: also you know trolls dont actually have two
dicks dave thats an offensive stereotype
DAVE: i know thats the point keep up guys
DAVE: ready for another one
DAVE: trolls: literally ate babies
KARKAT: ONLY THE DEFECTIVE ONES.
DAVE: like you my dude
KARKAT: ...YEAH.
DAVE: so thats why our campaign can work
KARKAT: ...
DAVE: btw im gonna be giving a long form exam at
the end of this to make sure youre retaining info because this is
only like the most important thing weve ever done collectively
JADE: siiiiiiiigh
DAVE: aside from creating the universe i mean
JADE: its not that it isnt important dave its that
like
JADE: the method youre using to communicate it is
kinda........
JADE: inefficient and BORING
DAVE: you mean
DAVE: words
JADE: i mean YOUR words specifically!!!
JADE: we already understand the issues at play you
dont have to explain it to us over and over again like were
twelve
JADE: right karkat???
KARKAT: ARE YOU ASKING ME WHETHER I’VE HEARD THIS
EXACT SPEECH ALMOST WORD FOR WORD, INCLUDING REHEARSED VERSIONS OF
BOTH THE COLORFUL METAPHORS AND “JOKES,” TEN OR TWENTY TIMES
ALREADY?
KARKAT: BECAUSE THE ANSWER WOULD BE
KARKAT: YES, OF COURSE I FUCKING HAVE.
Karkat elbows Dave in the thigh, a move that
is obviously meant to be an action of pure, brotherly jest. But
instead it comes off as affectionate and overly intimate. Jade’s
clever eyes don’t miss this. Her pupils follow the motion of
Karkat’s arm, and then they follow the movement of Dave’s mouth as
he smiles in what he probably thinks is a totally neutral
expression that reveals exactly 0% of his true feelings toward
Karkat Vantas. In reality, his veneer is as thin and transparent as
cellophane. He is the only person who can’t see through it.
Jade does some calculations in her head. Two kinds of
calculations, in fact: mathematical ones and personal ones.
JADE: soooooo
JADE: do you want a projection of her first years
hit on the economy down to the decimal with a 0.3% margin of
error
JADE: because thats a thing i can do if itll make
you stop talking about this stupid election for ten minutes
DAVE: damn hit me up girl calculator
JADE: i dont think youre wrong about janes
plans
She proceeds to dazzle the two boys with
explications on complex math utilizing taxation rates, GDP figures,
and some damned thing called the “Laffer curve,” which she easily
could have just invented to own them both. But the truth is, she
cares too deeply for these boys to fabricate silly-sounding
economic models on the spot in order to make them seem foolish in
front of the camera later.
The thing about Jade Harley is that she’s not as good at
personal things as she is at other things. Like science, or
mastering fraymotifs, or kissing, the last of which she has
definitely put a lot of levels into over the past few years
because, well, what else are you supposed to do with immortal
godhood once you hit the age where the dog hormones start kicking
into overdrive? She rolls over and hitches up on her palms so that
she can stare her two friends down. Her high-prescription lenses
make her eyes look anime-huge. They might literally be glittering,
she’s so completely serious about the issue she is trying to
stress.
JADE: so now that thats all out of the way
JADE: its time to get real you two
DAVE: i
JADE: that wasnt an invitation for you to make a
pun about having all the time in the world or whatever it was you
were going to say
DAVE: oh
JADE: im about to lay out some cold hard evidence
so pay attention!
KARKAT: OH, HANG ON, LET ME GET A PEN.
JADE: evidence about.....
JADE: our relationship!
KARKAT: FUCK
JADE: you let me live in your hive when im in
town
KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE...
JADE: im preeeetty intimately entwined in both your
lives
KARKAT: THAT YOU’RE JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS?
JADE: AND you dont disengage from about 86.234% of
my flirtations
KARKAT: WAIT, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU KEEP TRACK
OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
JADE: so....... are we doing this or not?
KARKAT: DOING WHAT?!
JADE: dating dummy!!!!!!!!
KARKAT: OH.
KARKAT: THAT IS
KARKAT: THAT IS... A COMPLICATED TOPIC IN MY
CULTURE THAT I’M NOT SURE HUMANS ARE EQUIPPED TO TALK ABOUT.
DAVE: also totally unrelated to the economy
DAVE: which not gonna lie is the only thing i want
to talk about for uh
DAVE: for however long it takes for this other
conversation to stop happening
JADE: so say no!!!
DAVE: well
KARKAT: UHHHHH
JADE: im not just forcing this conversation for my
sake! its for you two as well
JADE: i mean after all this time have you two even
kissed yet??????
DAVE: wha
KARKAT: WH-WHY WOULD
DAVE: uhh
KARKAT: WHY WOULD WE KISS??
DAVE: thats
KARKAT: THAT’S... YOU... I MEAN, HE’S... HE’S
DAVE.
DAVE: we
KARKAT: AND I’M KARKAT.
JADE: yes hes dave and youre karkat and everyone we
know always calls you that
JADE: “dave and karkat”
JADE: i cant remember the last time i heard anyone
mention one of you without the other
JADE: the two of you have basically been together
since your days on the meteor its SO obvious
KARKAT: TOGETHER, YES. AS FRIENDS.
DAVE: yea
KARKAT: VERY CLOSE FRIENDS WHO UNDERSTAND AND
SUPPORT EACH OTHER ON A DEEP AND EMPATHETIC LEVEL THAT GOES BEYOND
HATE OR PITY. YOU COULD EVEN SAY THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP...
KARKAT: ...TRANSCENDS QUADRANTS.
JADE: yeaaaaaah not gonna lie karkat but that
sounds totally kinda gay
KARKAT: UGH YOU HUMANS AND YOUR UNFATHOMABLE
GENDER BASED QUADRANTS.
Jade faceplams. She does it a little too hard
and slams the bridge of her glasses into her forehead.
JADE: ow!
KARKAT: ANYWAY WEREN’T YOU... DATING THAT
CARAPACIAN COUPLE? LAST TIME WE CHECKED?
Jade drags her hand down the bottom half of
her face and sighs.
JADE: yeah for FUN
JADE: im twenty three dont you think thats a little
old to still be dating for fun
DAVE: wait you saying we arent fun
JADE: whens the last time either of you left the
house??????
DAVE: ...
KARKAT: ...
Jade sighs and crawls closer. She takes one of
Karkat’s hands in hers.
JADE: i think wed all work good together
In her other hand, she tries to grab Dave’s
wrist, but he flash-steps to the other side of the couch. She pouts
at him and keeps holding Karkat’s increasingly sweaty palm.
JADE: and i think weve been dancing around that for
years now
JADE: i wanna try dating for real
KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED
KARKAT: SORRY IF WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY TOTALLY
BLOWS YOUR MIND
KARKAT: DATING A SINGLE PERSON, FOR MORE THAN
HALF A SWEEP, FOR REASONS OTHER THAN INITIATING THE CONCUPISCENT
EXCHANGE OF FLUIDS?
Jade’s grip on Karkat’s hand gets a little too
tight, but her big-toothed smile remains flawlessly pleasant. This
is a common sort of exchange between them and could be easily
considered flirtation on several different metrics, especially
considering the history between them and the sheer level of black
flirtation that Karkat accidentally indulged in during his insecure
youth. He doesn’t even pull his hand away.
JADE: ok first of all dont slut shame me
fuckass
JADE: second of all thats what im trying to do
here
JADE: third of all karkat arent you from a culture
where people are expected to engage in romantic relationships with
up to like five people at a time??
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL.
JADE: oh yeah??? explain the fundamental
epistemological difference
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?!
DAVE: ok jade i think theres a flaw in your
approach here cause you seem to think winning an argument on super
clever logical grounds is gonna get a couple dudes to break down
and fling themselves at you in like, a sexual way
JADE: wellll it usually does ;B
DAVE: oh my fucking god
This earns Dave a look. A long, sad one that
has Jade messing with her glasses again so that she can peer right
at him and apply some more of that faulty personal math to his
facial expression.
JADE: dave......
DAVE: what
JADE: is this...........
JADE: about obama???
DAVE: what
DAVE: no i
JADE: dave are you in love with obama?
DAVE: jade jesus where do you get this shit
from
JADE: is it about jesus then??????
DAVE: no!
DAVE: jesus wasnt even real
JADE: i know he wasnt real!
JADE: wait...
JADE: are you saying
JADE: obama was real?
DAVE: ...
DAVE: yes
DAVE: obama was real
DAVE: he was the president
KARKAT: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
JADE: all this time i thought obama was like
JADE: an aspirational fictional character that you
modeled your life after
KARKAT: AHAHAHAHA I CAN’T AHAHA BREATHE...
JADE: like snoop dog or nicolas cage
KARKAT: THIS IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE
DAVE: they were both real too
DAVE: i know that you grew up on an isolated island
in the middle of nowhere and everything but didnt you have like
DAVE: access to the internet
JADE: wow well im sorry i wasted my whole childhood
filling my head with pointless things like astrophysics and senary
numeral systems that allow me to do complex equations in my
head!!!!!!
DAVE: no dude thats kind of fucked up
DAVE: karkat stop laughing jades fucked up
childhood isnt funny
KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHA YES IT FUCKING IS!
KARKAT: ALSO SCREW YOU FOR SAYING IT’S NOT
FUNNY??
KARKAT: WHY IS IT LIKE SOME SORT OF *TRAGEDY* HOW
SHE WAS RAISED?
KARKAT: BECAUSE SHE WAS RAISED ALONE BY AN
ANIMAL??
KARKAT: *I* WAS RAISED ALONE BY AN ANIMAL!
KARKAT: FUCK OFF AND LET ME ENJOY THIS!
KARKAT: AHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Karkat has finally pulled his hand away so
that he can clutch his stomach, he’s laughing so hard. Jade gets up
and stalks over to where Dave is awkwardly cowering at the other
end of the couch and snatches his tablet from him. There’s a ripple
in the room that makes it clear their god tier powers have just
clashed against each other. He shifts his arm through time and Jade
warps the space around them so that she’s the one holding the
tablet. This is not the first time that they have rearranged the
fabric of reality for a petty reason like this. Karkat has
permanently sworn off playing board games with them.
The moment Jade brings the paint program up on the television,
Karkat stops laughing.
He tries to grab the tablet from her, but
she’s hovering well above the ground and he simply is not tall
enough to reach. With a shit-eating grin and deliberate care, Jade
begins to draw a grid.
JADE: ill put this in terms karkat will appreciate,
check it out
KARKAT: JADE, I SWEAR TO...
Karkat jumps and tries to grab her skirt, but
she swims through the air with ease, giggling as she doodles.
KARKAT: YOU BETTER NOT BE DRAWING WHAT I THINK
YOU’RE DRAWING!
Her artistic skill even at the advanced age of
twenty-three still leaves something to be desired, but it’s pretty
easy to produce recognizable caricatures of the three people in the
room right now. She gives Karkat a pair of fuzzy, angry eyebrows
and starts drawing other lines. Sinister lines, with salacious
meaning. It’s exactly what Karkat fears: a shipping grid.
KARKAT: STOP! CEASE! DESIST THIS MOMENT! DO NOT
DRAW ONE MORE LINE!
JADE: oh nooo im drawing a line karkat better stop
me before it goes aaaall the way from my mouth to yours!
Karkat catches the back of her shirt and she
goes plummeting weightlessly to the floor, still laughing. Karkat
tries to wrestle the pen out of her hand, but all he accomplishes
is turning the redrom trajectory between her and Dave into a redrom
loop-de-loop.
JADE: see me and karkat have great black
chemistry!
KARKAT: IT IS NOT BLACK CHEMISTRY YOU HORRID
NON-CHITINOUS WINDBAG!
Jade and Karkat roll over each other on the
floor and he gets a mouthful of her hair
for his trouble. Jade comes out on top and
sits on his back, humming to herself as she crafts her grand
design.
JADE: and now that daves all chill hed make a great
auspistice
She says, cheerful and oblivious.
DAVE: no
JADE: because you and karkat are kind of like
moirails
DAVE: no
JADE: and you and i
JADE: well yknow its always been pretty flirty
DAVE: jade
JADE: EXCEPT!
Jade finishes drawing a shaky heart directly
into the paint program. It’s so big and bright on the TV that it
fills the entire room with red light. Karkat raises his face and
stares at it in utterly bereft horror. The sick light makes the
bags under his eyes look like divots.
JADE: in this model..........
JADE: troll quadrants are dumb so we ALL kiss!
JADE: i call this political arrangement:
JADE: fully automated luxury polyamorous space-time
communism!!!!!!!
No one reacts. Karkat is defeated, completely.
Dave has just crossed his arms and pressed his mouth into a thinner
line than usual. Jade’s ears flatten and she huffs. It sounds a
little like a dog whining.
JADE: oh come on that was a good one!
JADE: its politically relevant and everything
DAVE: jade im not gonna laugh at your made up ship
name for this imaginary threesome thats not happening
Jade rolls her eyes and tosses both the tablet
and pen over her shoulder. Dave flashes across the living room to
catch his very expensive computing device in both arms. The pen
bounces off his forehead. Jade dismounts from Karkat’s poor,
abused, terribly mortal spine and brushes down her skirt.
JADE: well ive said what i wanted to say
JADE: its up to you two what you do with it
JADE: i have to go talk to roxy and callie about
the election anyway
JADE: call me when you two figure it all out!
Jade clicks her heels together to propel
herself back into the air and actually winks at them before
absconding through an open window. She has to push the thick
curtains aside to do so. Karkat hisses when the light spills over
his face.
What Jade leaves in her wake is not quite the emotional
scorched-earth situation that she was going for, but a few of her
needles have definitely gotten under some skin. Dave and Karkat
both stare after her, silently caught in their own private
rationalization spirals.
Karkat needs to verbalize part of his out loud.
KARKAT: WOW WHAT A CRAZY AND TOTALLY IMPROBABLE
CONVERSATION WE JUST HAD WITH OUR BEST FRIEND JADE.
DAVE: y...
DAVE: yeah
KARKAT: WHAT A GOOD THING FOR US THAT SHE’S
TOTALLY DELUSIONAL AND HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT,
HUH?
DAVE: for sure
Dave offers Karkat a hand up from the floor.
When their palms connect, there’s a moment where something could
happen. A little spark of potential. It would be so very easy for
something to happen.
KARKAT: ...........
DAVE: ..........
KARKAT: WANNA PLAY SOME TROLL TONY HAWK?
DAVE: hell
DAVE: yeah