DAVE: holy shit thats disgusting
KARKAT: DON’T BE A FUCKING XENOPHOBE
DAVE: im not being a xenophobe
Karkat doesn’t respond immediately. He
shuffles his feet to the edge of the outcropping they’re standing
on and stares down at the brood pit, where the Mother Grub of Earth
C is squelching out unfertilized jelly.
DAVE: dude you know im not a xenophobe
No answer. This silence makes Dave
actually back up for three seconds and think about what the hell
just came out of his mouth. He’s worried that maybe he said
something wrong here, that he was being horribly insensitive inside
a place that’s probably holy ground for the few Alternia-born
trolls left alive. Maybe flippant xenophobia isn’t the best look in
front of your alien pseudo-boyfriend when it comes to jamming about
the irreconcilable biological differences between your species.
Dave could definitely be handling this situation
with a certain measure of restraint or grace. But he’s got my
genes, so he decides to handle it a different way than that.
DAVE: i mean thats what this whole election thing
is about
DAVE: having your back when it comes to this
reproduction issue
DAVE: well
DAVE: that and the economy
DAVE: lets not lose TOTAL sight of the economy in
this critical discussion
DAVE: but im almost as passionate about this troll
speciesism thing as i am about the economy which you may not have
known is my number one issue
DAVE: my wheelhouse you could say
DAVE: but my other wheelhouse is like
DAVE: giving a fuck about your feelings and culture
and shit?
Karkat still doesn’t answer. He’s staring
real intently at the jelly.
DAVE: dude hey
DAVE: karkat
DAVE: yo karkat you listening?
KARKAT: HEY DIPSHIT, SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE.
KARKAT: I’M NOT IGNORING YOU BECAUSE I’M MAD.
DAVE: what
DAVE: that wasnt what i
KARKAT: I KNOW THAT YOU PERISH LIKE A DELICATE
LILAC BLOOM IN THE FUCKING DESERT IF NOT SHOWERED WITH MY VERBAL
ATTENTION AT ALL TIMES.
KARKAT: BUT I’M KIND OF WITNESSING THE REBIRTH OF
MY ENTIRE FUCKING SPECIES RIGHT HERE.
KARKAT: YOU EVER THINK THAT THIS MIGHT BE A
MONUMENTAL MOMENT FOR ME?
KARKAT: THAT I MIGHT BE AWESTRUCK AT THE PURE
MAJESTY OF THIS SIGHT?
Dave comes to the edge of the
outcropping, standing shoulder to shoulder with Karkat as he too
observes the majesty of translucent goo getting birthed out of an
alien asshole.
Karkat’s got a strange expression on his face, cast
half in shadow and half in orange light. Dave winces as the grub’s
nasty slime chute sputters out a bunch of air bubbles. It’s a
gross, gurgling fart that goes on basically forever.
DAVE: yeah but it is totally disgusting right
KARKAT: I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU
KARKAT: WHAT PART OF THIS IS DISGUSTING?
KARKAT: IS IT THE SLOW DEFLATING OF ITS DISTENDED
ABDOMEN?
KARKAT: THE SOUND OF DOZENS OF SEGMENTED LEGS
CLACKING AGAINST ITS EXOSKELETON?
KARKAT: THE UNFERTILIZED SLURRY BEING SLOWLY
SQUEEZED FROM ITS OVIPOSITIONAL SPHINCTER?
KARKAT: IS THAT IT? IS THAT DISGUSTING TO YOU
DAVE?
DAVE: kind of
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT
KARKAT: IT’S HORRIBLE
KARKAT: TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST I WOULD HAVE
GLADLY GONE THE REST OF MY WRETCHED EXISTENCE WITHOUT EVER SEEING
THIS.
DAVE: its like when you squish the toothpaste down
in the middle
DAVE: only the tube is filled with fetus juice
KANAYA: Im Sorry But I Can Hear You From Down
Here
KANAYA: Did You Want To Talk To Me Or Are You
Intent On Performing An Impromptu And Very Unfunny Comedy Act On My
Front Step
DAVE: oh hey kanaya
Dave grabs Karkat by the wrist of his
oversized sweater and they skid down the narrow walkway into the
mouth of the crater. Kanaya steps out from beneath the canopy where
she was doing grub science, wiping her hands on a silk cloth. She’s
glowing. Her skin, I mean. Her mood can be politely described as
pensive. Still, she smiles at the sight of old friends.
DAVE: whats shaking sis
KANAYA: Must You Always Call Me That
DAVE: nah but it does feel pretty rad to say
DAVE: like wow my sister in law is an alien how
cool is that
DAVE: i love our awesome planet where everyone is
free to form xenophilic family units without fear of government
interference or reprisal
DAVE: which is a totally smooth segue into the
topic at hand
KARKAT: THAT WASN’T SMOOTH AT ALL.
KARKAT: IN FACT I DON’T THINK IT WOULD BE
POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO RAISE THE SUBJECT WE’VE COME TO TALK ABOUT IN A
MORE OSTENTATIOUSLY AWFUL AND AWKWARD WAY.
KARKAT: JUST BECAUSE YOU DID THAT STUPID
LITTLE...
Here, Karkat pauses to imitate a very
common Davism that involves two hands and a double-wrist swivel.
It’s an incredibly good imitation, because he sees this particular
bit of body language like ten times a day.
KARKAT: ...MOTION WITH YOUR HANDS DOESN’T MAKE IT
SMOOTH
DAVE: no see the reason its smooth is because i was
the one who did it
DAVE: i got inherent smoothness and its a quality
that transfers to everything i say and do
DAVE: also that thing i do with my hands isnt
stupid
DAVE: its cool
KARKAT: IT’S THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN
AND YOU DO IT LIKE TEN TIMES A DAY.
KARKAT: WHAT EVEN IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE?
DAVE: im dropping a beat
DAVE: like im using a turntable and scratching one
song into another
DAVE: all smooth and shit
KARKAT: IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO FOLD
LAUNDRY YOU FORGOT TO IRON.
DAVE: dude you have never once in your life ironed
a shirt
KARKAT: I AM FAMILIAR WITH THE BASIC MECHANICS OF
YOUR EARTH CUSTOMS DAVE.
DAVE: ok ironing is def not earth culture
DAVE: ive seen kanaya iron like
DAVE: a whole bunch of shirts
DAVE: yo kanaya
DAVE: back me up here sis
Kanaya regards them with a thin-lipped
smile that is equal measures patronizing and fond.
KANAYA: So This Is About The Election
KARKAT: AH.
KARKAT: YES.
KARKAT: YOU’VE ALREADY HEARD.
Kanaya holds up her phone.
KANAYA: I Do Get The Internet Down Here
KANAYA: I Am Impressed That You Managed To Be
Seen In Front Of That Many People Without Spontaneously Bursting
Into Flames
KARKAT: WOW THANKS, ANOTHER VOTE OF CONFIDENCE
FROM ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS.
KARKAT: THIS CONDESCENSION IS REALLY RICH COMING
FROM THE PERSON WHO DECIDED HER NARCISSISTIC OBSESSION WITH BEING
THE ONE TO HATCH THE MOTHER GRUB WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN NOT
SEEDING OUR PLANET WITH A STOPGAP SYSTEM OF REPRODUCTION THAT WOULD
CAUSE SYSTEMIC SPECIESISM TO OSSIFY INTO SOCIETY FOR 5000
YEARS.
DAVE: karkat
DAVE: hey
KANAYA: This Again
KARKAT: YES, THIS AGAIN!!!
KARKAT: FUCK!!!
DAVE: (uh)
DAVE: (karkat buddy)
DAVE: (remember the game plan here)
DAVE: (we want to get kanaya on our side not
alienate her completely)
KANAYA: Karkat
KANAYA: I Acknowledge That There Have Been
Consequences To The Decisions We Made Regarding The Foundation Of
This Society That Were Not Foreseen Or Ideal
KANAYA: But I Do Not Think It Is Productive To
Attribute These Resultant Troubles To A Single Decision Or
Individual
KANAYA: It Stands In The Way Of Our Efforts To
Address Them
KARKAT: MMNNNRRRGHHH.........
DAVE: (shhhhhh)
KAYANA: You Know As Well As I Do That We Must
Present A United Front
KANAYA: Please Do Not Misinterpret My Tone
KANAYA: I Have Nothing But The Utmost Faith In
You
Kanaya reaches out to put a hand on
Karkat’s head. He doesn’t duck away in time, and she gives him an
affectionate, matronly hair-ruffle between his horns. She keeps her
hand there and pulls him a step closer so that she can speak softly
to him. Her voice travels high in the empty cavern, but her tone is
tender and private.
KANAYA: While I Know That It Is Difficult For You
To Take A Direct Compliment
KANAYA: I Have In The Past Put My Faith In You
When The Threat To Our Survival Has Been Immediate And Literal
KANAYA: Its Basically Nothing To Ask Me To Do It
Again Now That The Threat Is Far More
Kanaya pauses here, choosing her words
more carefully than usual. She takes her hand off Karkat’s head and
puts two fingers to her lip. Karkat’s eyes follow the motion, wide
and bright as dollar coins.
KANAYA: *Existential*
KANAYA: Is How I Think I Shall Put It
KANAYA: If We Are Going To Be Polite
DAVE: youre up on all the issues then
Kanaya sighs and starts making her way
around the edge of the brood pit.
KANAYA: How Could I Not Be When It Concerns Me So
Directly
She lifts up the hem of her skirt and
jumps in. Dave is watching her, but Karkat’s looking
contemplatively at his entwined hands. Kanaya’s right: it’s almost
excruciating for him to take a completely unironic compliment,
especially face-to-face, like what she just said to him. I
understand this about Karkat. It’s one of the precious few things
he and I have in common.
We internalize and project the quality in very
different ways, however, which is why I’m going to win.
KANAYA: Jane Has Been Here To Speak With Me
Recently In Fact
DAVE: no fucking way
KANAYA: She Was Quite Cordial As Always
KANAYA: You Know I Do Like Jane
KANAYA: In Some Regards She Reminds Me Of A
Friend We Had Who Sadly Did Not Survive Our Time On The Meteor
KANAYA: She Was Unfailingly Kind To Everyone She
Met But She Also Happened To Be The Heiress To The Throne Of A Vast
And Bloody Empire
KANAYA: And While She Had A Lot Of Opinions On
Reform She Had Already Wrenched Some Of Her Power From Our Last
Empress In The Traditional Manner
Karkat finally looks up at the
description of one of their many dead friends. Kanaya carefully
steps between the puddles of brood jelly and approaches the Mother
Grub. She rests an ear against the rise of its massive stomach,
then taps the shell with two perfectly manicured fingernails.
KANAYA: By Which I Mean That Jane Is Perfectly
Pleasant And I Believe That She Has Only The Best Of Intentions
KANAYA: But I Cant Shake The Feeling That Deep
Inside Her Lurks The Potential For Despotism
KARKAT: OKAY I GET WHY YOU GUYS KEEP CALLING JANE
A CRYPTO-FASCIST
KARKAT: BUT FUCKING FEFERI? SHE WAS HARMLESS.
KANAYA: These Things Take Time To Gestate
Karkat
DAVE: damn
KANAYA: Power Corrupts In Small Steps
KANAYA: Compromises
KANAYA: Concessions
KANAYA: Appeasements
KANAYA: And Leaders Follow The Example Set For
Them
KANAYA: Look At What Jane Has Modeled Herself
After Already
KANAYA: I Do Believe Its Important To Consider
Precedent
When Kanaya is satisfied by whatever she
hears churning inside the grotesque insides of the giant bug, she
comes back up to the lip of the pit and hoists herself out.
KANAYA: This Is Why I Trust You Karkat
KANAYA: Because You Listen To Advice From Below
And Beside You Not From Above
KANAYA: And If Dave Is With You I Trust You Not
To Isolate Yourself As You Have In The Past
DAVE: sweet
DAVE: so weve got your endorsement then
She laughs, not kindly.
KANAYA: Jane Offered Me “A Seat” On The “Board Of
Responsible Troll Reproduction”
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DARE SHE!
KANAYA: That Is Exactly What I Said
KANAYA: With More Tact Of Course
KANAYA: I Do Understand The Trepidation
Considering What The History Books Teach About Alternia
KARKAT: OH, LIKE HUMAN HISTORY IS A FUCKING WALK
IN THE RECREATION SPRAWL.
KARKAT: HOW HYPOCRITICAL CAN SHE BE?
KANAYA: Yes
KANAYA: In Case You Cant Tell I Am Actually
Fucking Furious About This
KARKAT: SHE COULDN’T PICK A MORE SUBTLE WORD THAN
“RESPONSIBLE”? SHE’S NOT EVEN TRYING TO MASK HER XENOPHOBIA. IT’S
LIKE SHE HAS NO FUCKING RESPECT FOR US.
KANAYA: It Is Entirely Thoughtless On Her
Part
KANAYA: Our Reproduction Method Is Alien And
Unfamiliar
KANAYA: To A Human It Must Sound Monstrous
KANAYA: Uncontrolled Even
KARKAT: WELL OF COURSE
KARKAT: WHEN I HEAR ABOUT HOW HUMAN GRUBS CHEW
THEIR WAY OUT OF THE FEMALE MATESPRIT’S ABDOMINAL HOLE BEFORE
CONSUMING THE WOMB MEMBRANE IT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.
KARKAT: BUT YOU DON’T SEE ME PROPOSING FUCKING
POLITICAL POLICY BASED ON THAT.
DAVE: dude thats not how pregnancy works
KARKAT: UH DAVE, YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE NOTICED, BUT
WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT HUMANS RIGHT NOW.
KANAYA: Yes Dave Check Your Privilege
DAVE: ok
KARKAT: ANYWAY WE NEED TO EXPOSE HER BULLSHIT
IMMEDIATELY.
KARKAT: I DON’T SEE HOW ANY TROLL CAN VOTE FOR
HER IF THEY HEAR WHAT SHE’S PLANNING.
KANAYA: I Have A Feeling That It Would Sway Many
Non Trolls To Our Campaign As Well
KANAYA: I Hope That There Is At Least One
Principle We Share As A Planet
KANAYA: Which Is That We Must All Work To Ensure
Equal Dignity And Respect For Every Species
KANAYA: Otherwise
KANAYA: What Was This All For
The three of them stare at the floor in
adorably cartoonish synchronicity. What was this all for,
indeed?
That’s a good question. Morality is a cultural
construct. It’s pure ego for any of them to believe that their
personal interpretation of it will result in the most effective
laws.
DAVE: you know
DAVE: that might be the magic ticket folks need to
hear to wake up about this issue
DAVE: would you be willing to say that exactly
but
DAVE: like in front of a huge crowd
DAVE: and also a television crew or six
KARKAT: OR MAYBE JUST IN FRONT OF JAKE
ENGLISH?
KANAYA: Oh Dear Has Jane Recruited Jake
KANAYA: That Would Be Disastrous
KANAYA: He Is Beloved In The Troll Kingdom For
His Perky Ass
DAVE: seriously?
KARKAT: I TOLD YOU IT’S NOT JUST ME!
KANAYA: It Has Some Terrible Arcane Power
KANAYA: I Have Never Seen Anything Like It
DAVE: well
DAVE: she doesnt have him yet
DAVE: but jane is one of his best friends so we
gotta approach this with a scorched earth policy
DAVE: give him a whole cadre of sob stories thatll
make him feel all manly and heroic for lending his support
DAVE: just gift wrapping babies for him to kiss
KARKAT: TROLL BABIES EVEN?
DAVE: sure that can be part of the deal he can kiss
the first natural born grub right on its gooey lil head
KARKAT: WHILE GIVING DOUBLE PISTOLS AND A WINK TO
THE CAMERA NO DOUBT.
DAVE: bam
DAVE: thats your reelection billboard right
there
KARKAT: LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES
HERE.
KANAYA: Of Course Not But This Definitely Has
Potential
KANAYA: Have You Spoken To Rose Yet
DAVE: uh no
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: shes
Dave mimes laying down and taking pills.
The look Kanaya gives him is neither fond nor patronizing.
DAVE: whats up with that anyway
DAVE: are you guys uh
DAVE: grub pregnant
Kanaya keeps staring.
KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK
KANAYA: No
DAVE: its ok if you are we wont tell
KANAYA: No
KARKAT: DON’T YOU DARE DRAG ME INTO THIS GRAVE
YOU’RE DIGGING FOR YOURSELF.
DAVE: cmon karkat dont you wanna be an uncle to a
lil bundle of love and unnatural genetic tampering
KANAYA: No
KARKAT: WHAT EVEN GOES ON INSIDE YOUR HEAD THAT
YOU JUST PRODUCE THIS ENDLESS, GUSHING SPATE OF ATROCIOUS WORD
GARBAGE EVERY DAY?
DAVE: ok stop freaking out im just saying from what
i understand of troll reproduction it would be technically possible
for a troll and human to
KANAYA: No
DAVE: and with ectobiology anythings possible
KARKAT: OH MY GOD
KANAYA: Whatever Put You On This Unfathomable
Train Of Thought
DAVE: i dunno its just unusual for rose to brush me
off for our annual ecto sibling oversharing session
DAVE: shes been sick for a while
DAVE: either shes pregnant or i got reasons to be
worried
Kanaya turns her head and bites her lip.
Her thin fingers clutch at the hem of her shirt. She starts
flickering a little, like a lightbulb in a heavy storm. The mood in
here’s just all over the place. Dave, sensing how uncomfortable
he’s made everything, cranks up the irreverence in his tone. When
you put a foot in your mouth, shoving it all the way through your
intestines and pulling it out your ass is a valid tactic, he seems
to believe.
DAVE: id be cool with it yknow
DAVE: bring on the rosemary combo grubs
KANAYA: Rosemary
DAVE: like rose plus your last name which is maryan
or something right
KANAYA: Maryam
DAVE: yeah that
DAVE: ergo, rosemary
KANAYA: I Hate It
DAVE: the rosemary babies would have her hair and
your horns or whatever
DAVE: like when two cartoon animals of different
species give in to their lust and have preposterous children
DAVE: fucking adorbs
KANAYA: Im Going To Call My Wife And You Are
Going To Stop Talking
Her thumb is anxiously tapping on her
wife’s name in her contacts list. She walks briskly to the other
side of the cave for privacy, pulling the curtain of her makeshift
lab shut. At the other side of the cavern, Dave and Karkat bicker
about what their combo kids would look like, in the event that they
decided to stop being such laughable wusses and began fornicating
like two cartoon animals of different species who have given into
their lust. And the day hell freezes over, maybe their kids could
even play in the snow.
Kanaya puts her phone to one ear and her hand to
the other. Rose’s line rings for a long time. It’s unusual, she
thinks. Rose rarely leaves her phone unattended. Personally, I
don’t think it’s odd, because I’m currently watching Rose lying
unconscious on my workshop floor.
I’m guessing Kanaya is going to be pretty surprised
when it’s not her wife who picks up. But she’ll have to deal with
it, because I’m the one holding the phone, and Rose is in
absolutely no condition to be having a conversation with anyone.
Not even her cherished bride.
DIRK: Hey,
DIRK: Sorry, but Rose can’t come to the phone right
now.
Kanaya’s voice turns sharp right
away.
She can sense that something’s wrong.
She’s also smart enough, and facile enough in handling questionable men, to understand that she quickly needs to regulate the tone of her voice for diplomatic purposes.
KANAYA: Dirk
KANAYA: Is That You
I don’t answer immediately. I’m
distracted by something. She really should chill out, anyway. I’ve
got everything under control. Not that she’ll ever be able to fully
appreciate this.
KANAYA: Dirk
KANAYA: Why Are You With Rose
KANAYA: What Is Going On
I don’t have time to explain right now.
John’s doing something vaguely important to the plot again.
DIRK: Kanaya, I don’t have time to explain right
now.
DIRK: John’s doing something vaguely important to
the plot again.
KANAYA: Dirk...
KANAYA: What
DIRK: This is gonna have to wait.
KANAYA: Dirk
DIRK: I’m putting you on hold, ok?
KANAYA: DIRK!