JAKE: Ah chaps dont you love to take a rigorous
jaunt about the wilds first thing in the morning, middle thing in
the day, and last thing in the evening?
KARKAT: NO
karkat both looks and feels
uncomfortable in his red and gray suit. he is tired from an
afternoon of campaigning in the consort kingdom. jake is jaunting
rigorously, as he put it, up the ridge of the mountain behind his
mansion. every now and then, he pauses to accommodate the pace of
his less limber friends.
JAKE: By jove karkat that you are so winded by such
little activity is truly alarming!
KARKAT: WE’VE BEEN HIKING FOR A FUCKING HOUR,
DIPSHIT.
KARKAT: I CAN ALREADY FEEL MY LEGS STARTING TO
LOCK UP. I THINK THEY’RE GETTING A HEAD START ON THE RIGOR
MORTIS!
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING KILLING ME, IS
WHAT I’M SAYING. BY MAKING ME HIKE THROUGH NATURE IN A FUCKING
SUIT.
KARKAT: GREAT WORK EVERYONE. YOU’LL BE OFFERING
UP A PRE-ASSASSINATED PRESIDENT TO A FRENZIED ELECTORATE. AWESOME
STRATEGY!
JAKE: Perhaps you need a better calisthenics
routine. I can suggest several alterations to your morning workout
and even give you a lesson or two myself!
KARKAT: MY MORNING WORKOUT??
KARKAT: I COULDN’T THINK OF A MORE OFFENSIVELY
PRESUMPTUOUS PHRASE IF I TRIED.
KARKAT: ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK IS A CALISTHENIC?
KARKAT: IS THAT THE NAME OF YOUR FAN CHERUB??
karkat’s tirade is interrupted
as he trips over a protruding tree root. dave, who has been
cheating on their hike by hovering very slightly off the ground
rather than walking, catches karkat before his face hits the dirt.
he sets his companion upright and continues to guide him with his
hand on his back as he walks, the way an older human does with a
small child who is learning to ride a bicycle.
DAVE: hey jake were cool on the whole cardio
program or whatever
DAVE: karkats not really what id call a kinesthetic
learner
KARKAT: HEY!
KARKAT: I CAN HOLD MY OWN IN A THRESHING MATCH
BETTER THAN 99% OF THE SQUISHY, PLACID HUMAN POPULATION ON THIS
PLANET.
KARKAT: I WAS LITERALLY TRAINING TO BE A COMBAT
SPECIALIST ON ALTERNIA.
KARKAT: MAYBE WE SHOULD SOMETIMES TRY TO REMEMBER
AND *FUCKING RESPECT* THAT FACT ABOUT ME???
DAVE: hm
DAVE: gonna make another mental note about which
material to avoid when writing your campaign speeches
DAVE: like
DAVE: dude is nuts with a sickle
DAVE: can carve a bloody arc through a surrounding
circle of gathered squishy humans
DAVE: watch their guts spill on the floor while he
roars at the sky in honor of his genocidal ancestors
DAVE: were kinda trying to downplay the idea that
trolls are naturally good at violence and shit here?
DAVE: hey speaking of which
DAVE: jake you wanna back karkat in this election
or what
JAKE: Uhhh...
jake spins around in his worn
boots. he bites his lip and looks at the ground.
JAKE: Ah i see. That was your purpose in coming out
here.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: that IS basically the only reason either of
us would waste time climbing a mountain instead of like
DAVE: almost perfectly replicating the experience
by checking out sweet stock photos of a mountain on the crockernet
image search while spraying our hive with air freshener or
something
DAVE: oh hey wait that reminds me
DAVE: isnt it fucked up how jane literally owns the
internet??
JAKE: Id never really thought about it i admit.
DAVE: its pretty fucked up trust me
DAVE: like she already owns the major method of
information dissemination and now she wants to be the one
ultimately in control of what information gets disseminated
DAVE: do you really think one person should have
all that power
JAKE: Hmmmmmmmmm.
KARKAT: THE ANSWER IS NO, IDIOT.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: which is why you should back us and our
campaign
DAVE: our campaign slogan for the purpose of this
conversation only is “hey isnt it cool how were not jane and also
we dont want to own everything”
DAVE: and also... man
DAVE: on a more personal note
DAVE: i mean have you even SEEN the shit janes been
saying about you in the media
a look of sadness sweeps across
jake’s face, but he quickly turns it into a glare of
indignation.
JAKE: Ive seen the shit YOUVE been saying about
HER!
JAKE: Your poorly optimized billboards about “huge
dunks” on the economy and “neoliberal austerity measures” tumbling
down geometrically improbable staircases have made quite a stir in
the neighborhood.
JAKE: These advertisements play at all hours of the
night my good man. One can hardly get a wink of sleep!
DAVE: yeah but at least we paid for it out of
campaign dollars instead of spinelessly setting up super pacs to
spew out propaganda for us
JAKE: Super pacs??
DAVE: oh yeah
DAVE: listen to this bullshit
DAVE: so theyre technically expenditure independent
committees meaning they can allocate unlimited funding for...
karkat covers dave’s mouth,
having had the concept of the “super pac” laboriously explained in
his presence more than once. in his estimation, there are few
individuals on this world who would benefit less from an in-depth
discussion of political financing procedure than jake english.
KARKAT: LOOK, DAVE. JAKE REALLY DOESN’T CARE WHAT
A SUPER PAC IS.
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK ANYONE CARES ABOUT FUCKING
SUPER PACS??
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO YOUR
SPIEL ABOUT IT, ESPECIALLY THE RAPPED SEQUENCE.
KARKAT: BUT YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO GET ANYBODY TO
GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THIS STUFF MAN, I’M SORRY.
DAVE: mmff noomph
KARKAT: JAKE, THE POINT IS THIS.
KARKAT: JANE IS HAVING YOU SMEARED
INDIRECTLY.
JAKE: Well that would be the way to do it i suppose
if you wished to keep clean hands in an inherently dirty
business.
dave peels karkat’s hand off his
mouth, and bumps him away with his hip, so that he may continue
saying things he regards as terribly important for others to
hear.
DAVE: ok but thats partially my point
DAVE: were doing all our propaganda in house
instead of outsourcing to unscrupulous shadow networks with deep
money pockets
KARKAT: FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.
DAVE: what does that mean
KARKAT: AS MUCH AS I APPRECIATE YOUR “ARTISTIC
VISION” DAVE, I THINK THAT YOUR POLITICAL ADS ARE LARGELY GOING
OVER PEOPLE’S HEADS.
KARKAT: THEY’RE KIND OF...
DAVE: bold?
KARKAT: NO
DAVE: oh you mean avant garde
DAVE: well yeah
DAVE: everyone knows that
KARKAT: NOT REALLY HOW I WOULD PUT IT EITHER.
DAVE: nuanced
DAVE: oh wait
DAVE: visionary
DAVE: you think theyre visionary as fuck
DAVE: ok yeah you got me
DAVE: im a forward thinker karkat
DAVE: this is just what life is like in the dave
lane
DAVE: buckle the fuck up
KARKAT: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
KARKAT: I’M GOING TO SAY THIS FOR THE LAST
TIME.
KARKAT: SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF IS ABSOLUTELY
HORRENDOUS SUBJECT MATTER FOR PRODUCING CAMPAIGN ADS!
KARKAT: NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING
ABOUT, OR WHAT POINTS YOU’RE TRYING TO MAKE!
DAVE: yeah its awesome
KARKAT: YOU’RE WASTING CAMPAIGN MONEY!!!
DAVE: were fucking trillionaires dude
as the vantas campaign bickers
internally, jake becomes pensive, thoughtful. he kicks a rock over
the edge of the trail and watches it bounce down the mountain with
a baleful expression.
JAKE: Willickers dave has anyone ever told you that
you have an uncanny talent for cutting straight and incisively to
the point without sweating any of the bullshit.
JAKE: Youre rather like dirk in that way
actually.
DAVE: i... what
KARKAT: HAHAHA. *DAVE* IS GOOD AT CUTTING THROUGH
*BULLSHIT*??
KARKAT: STRIDER IS A FOG MACHINE OF *PURE*
BULLSHIT.
KARKAT: THERE IS NOTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HIS
MOUTH THAT IS *NOT BULLSHIT*.
DAVE: thats basically true
KARKAT: AND I’M PRETTY SURE DIRK MIGHT BE EVEN
WORSE?!
DAVE: yeah pretty much
KARKAT: SORRY JAKE. I KNOW WE’RE SOLICITING YOU
FOR THE SWAY YOUR HOT POPULAR ASS HAS OVER THE PEOPLE, AND NOT
EXACTLY YOUR BRAINPOWER, SO MAYBE THIS IS SOMEWHAT UNFAIR,
BUT...
KARKAT: THAT MAY HAVE BEEN THE WORST TAKE I’VE
EVER FUCKING HEARD IN MY LIFE?
DAVE: whoa chill out man
DAVE: remember were trying to woo this guy onto our
side
DAVE: can you maybe go at least a solid minute
without forgetting youre a fuckin politician now?
DAVE: that means you should try not to insult
everybody you meet multiple times per sentence
KARKAT: FUCK!!
KARKAT: YEAH, I KNOW.
KARKAT: I’M FUCKING SORRY JAKE. FOR IMPLYING THAT
YOU HAVE SLIGHTLY LESS CEREBRAL PROCESSING POWER THAN THE SWEATY
WEDGIE THIS FUCKING SUIT IS GIVING MY THROBBING, HIKE-SORE ASS.
DAVE: hmm
DAVE: nope that still sucks
DAVE: you suck dude
KARKAT: YEAH, WELL CHEW ON THIS, “MASTER
STRATEGIST.” MAYBE YOU TELLING ME I SUCK IS ACTUALLY THE SMARTEST
THING YOU’VE EVER FUCKING SAID!
JAKE: Gentlemen!!!
JAKE: Jeepers fucking christmas.
JAKE: I was just trying to pay mr strider a
gracious compliment not every little pleasantry need be taken with
such blasted literalism!
JAKE: And i appreciate that youre trying to sway my
political favor into your bungalow with a bit of the old elbow
grease and cajolery even if your methods are wont to veer into full
throated invective in virtually every single exchange no matter how
harmless the topic.
JAKE: And i truly mean it when i say i DO
appreciate the effort. Both at the brownnosing as well as the
dubious restraint when it comes to impugning my noodle.
JAKE: But all this is adding up to make me
wonder...
jake slices a hand through the
air, determined to display his newfound autonomy. it’s growing by
the minute now that his thought process has been severed from the
prince’s grip. an old confidence fills him as he continues to
speak, a feeling of inner freedom he hasn’t enjoyed in some
time.
JAKE: Why should i side with either of you?
JAKE: Flattery is all well and good but i hardly
think i would bother casting my knickers in with anyones lot based
on the quality of praise or for that matter withholding them due to
having my ego bruised from a verbal drubbing.
JAKE: Im not entirely ignorant of the rules of this
jamboree. I understand that whoever i endorse will have a good
chance of winning on nothing but my good word.
JAKE: So why should i trust ANYONE trying to win my
favor right now? Do you have ANY case to make which does not
involve glowing accounts of my muscular bottom???
I know it seems like an objectively good thing from some pithy
moral standpoint to let everyone in this little drama Jane’s cooked
up make their “own decisions,” but trust me: Jake isn’t thinking
for himself any more than he was while being indirectly controlled.
Everything he’s thinking and feeling right now is merely reactive.
He’s like a mostly dead bug twitching around on the last of its
hemolymph after getting its head cut off. Under my guidance, he was
like an ant being influenced by the cordyceps fungus. You can’t
really call one of these “better” than the other, but at least the
latter is being directed toward some greater purpose.
for a moment, jake thinks he
hears something. a miniscule voice, prattling along vaingloriously.
but he realizes it’s only a tiny insect buzzing about his ear. a
gnat-like presence of absolutely no consequence. he simply waves it
away.
DAVE: ok yeah we can do that
DAVE: you mean like
DAVE: an actual pitch?
DAVE: on policy or shit
DAVE: or vision for the world
DAVE: we can set you up bro
DAVE: or i mean this guy can
DAVE: thats what he was made for
DAVE: born fuckin leader right here
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: take it away man
DAVE: our boy jake here wants to be goddamn
dazzled
dave grins and affectionately
taps karkat on the head with his knuckles.
karkat unwinds from dave’s loose embrace,
takes a deep breath, and clambers up the ridge to speak with jake
in a more personable proximity. he has learned new methods for
connecting with others on the campaign trail. how to speak broadly,
with sweeping conviction, and yet create a sense of intimacy when
addressing an individual. he has learned to come across as one who
was once a leader, and could be again.
KARKAT: LOOK, JAKE.
KARKAT: I’M NOT GOING TO TRY TO SELL YOU SOME
LUDICROUS STORY ABOUT HOW I’M THE BEST CANDIDATE EARTH C HAS EVER
SEEN OR ANYTHING.
KARKAT: I’M NOT GOING TO BE THAT ARROGANT,
ESPECIALLY SINCE MY ARM HAD TO BE TWISTED RIGHT OUT OF ITS SOCKET
TO GET ME TO EVEN RUN.
KARKAT: BUT AT LEAST WE’RE NOT HIDING OUR
INTENTIONS.
KARKAT: AT THIS POINT, IT’S NOT A POLICY BEEF
THAT I HAVE WITH JANE CROCKER.
DAVE: yeah im the one with the policy beef
DAVE: corporate welfare destroys public
infrastructure
KARKAT: SHUT UP, I’M TALKING.
DAVE: word
KARKAT: WE’RE STILL LIVING ON AN INCREDIBLY YOUNG
PLANET. LET’S BE REAL. EVERY PRESIDENT UP UNTIL NOW HAS JUST BEEN
SOME BOZO BASICALLY PLAYACTING AT BEING IN CHARGE.
KARKAT: BECAUSE THIS WHOLE TIME EVERYONE’S BEEN
HOLDING THEIR BREATH WAITING FOR ONE OF *US* TO RUN.
KARKAT: WHOEVER WINS, ME OR JANE, WILL SET THE
TONE FOR SUBSEQUENT ADMINISTRATIONS FOR WHO KNOWS HOW FUCKING
LONG.
KARKAT: IT’S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT JANE WILL
PROVE TO BE A COMPETENT PRESIDENT. I HAVE NO DOUBTS ON HER
ADMINISTRATIVE ACUMEN, CONSIDERING THAT’S PROBABLY THE ONLY FUCKING
THING SHE HAS GOING FOR HER, BESIDES A SERIES OF PHYSICAL
ATTRIBUTES WHICH I KEEP BEING TOLD AREN’T TOO HARD ON THE EYES, BUT
FRANKLY, I STILL DON’T KNOW IF I’M SEEING IT?
KARKAT: I MEAN, SHE’S LIKE... *ALRIGHT*? I
FUCKING *GUESS*??
JAKE: Now lets not be too unfair old chap...
KARKAT: I THINK I’M ALLOWED TO BE *UNFAIR* WHEN
SHE’S HOLDING THE REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS OF MY ENTIRE SPECIES
HOSTAGE.
JAKE: Ah. Point well met.
KARKAT: JAKE, SHE WILL SET A HORRIBLE
PRECEDENT.
KARKAT: SHE’S INDIRECT. SHE’S PRIVILEGED. SHE’S
CONCERNED WITH HOW THINGS *LOOK* RATHER THAN HOW THINGS *ARE*.
KARKAT: NO MATTER HOW NICE SHE WAS WHEN YOU WERE
KIDS, HER DEDICATION TO THE APPEARANCE OF THAT “NICENESS” HAS
ALREADY LED HER DOWN A PATH OF CORRUPTION AND DUPLICITY.
KARKAT: BECAUSE WHEN YOU LIVE INSIDE A SKIN
THAT’S A LIE, YOU’LL EITHER GROW TO FIT IT, OR COLLAPSE UNDER THE
UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF YOUR OWN SHIT-SPEWING COGNITIVE
DISSONANCE.
KARKAT: TRUST ME, I FUCKING KNOW, BECAUSE I USED
TO SPEW AN UNTOLD AMOUNT OF SHIT.
DAVE: (yeah... “used to”)
KARKAT: DUDE!
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!
KARKAT: GET OFF MY BULGE.
KARKAT: YOU WANTED ME TO SPIN SOME FUCKING GOLD?
TO BUST OUT THE *GOOD SHIT*??
KARKAT: THERE! I SAID IT! THAT WAS THE ***GOOD
SHIT***!
KARKAT: I’M DONE! I DID MY THING! THIS MINCING
HALFWIT IN THE TINY SHORTS CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS
NOW!
DAVE: (no no that was good man)
DAVE: (i was just messin with you)
DAVE: (great job dude i love it)
jake chews on these remarks for
a minute. he loves jane and dirk dearly. he has loved both of them
for years, on and off, in multiple fashions and configurations, in
accordance with the human understanding of this feeling. he thinks
it could break jane’s heart were he to oppose her. and yet, hasn’t
she fired the first shot by broadcasting such scandalous things
about him in the media? and it was so soon after they’d nearly had
an intimate reconciliation. the more he thinks on it, the more jake
struggles to believe in the sincerity behind jane’s friendship with
him.
and the prince?
dirk, as he knows him, hasn’t been given
much thought by jake recently. jake has been savoring the fruits of
a mental liberation he is barely aware of, let alone capable of
comprehending. when he considers crossing dirk, he’s not afraid of
making him angry or hurting his feelings. he’s simply always wanted
to avoid disappointing him. and yet, with the cognitive cloud of
dirk’s influence dispelled, jake now cannot shake the feeling that
the best course of action would be the one that asserts the most
independence from dirk, disappointment be damned.
and to whatever extent the prince intends
to put jake’s life in jeopardy, for now, his agency remains safely
obscured from his sniper sight.
JAKE: Well dash my wig!
JAKE: Ill do it!
KARKAT: DASH YOUR WHAT?
DAVE: fuck yeah