Terezi is
munching her way through another tin of human fatherly tobacco as
john crawls into the back seat. this has been their ritual for
several days. precisely how many, they couldn’t say. between her
frequent naps and his diligence in keeping a lookout for any
additional survivors, they have been losing track of time. john,
eyes unfocused, stares at the expanse of nothingness. perhaps he
imagines it, but it seems as if the emptiness itself is curving
against the staggering weight of the black hole they orbit.
he hasn’t seen any sign of vriska. he’s
seen no one at all. it’s just him, terezi, and the sky on all
sides. he scoots back to lean against the car door, drawing his
knees up to his chest, unsure how to act around terezi or how much
room to give her.
she holds out a handful of tobacco.
TEREZI: W4NT SOM3 D3L1C1OUS DRY C4NDY
SH4V1NGS?
JOHN: ew, no.
JOHN: do you have any idea what you’re eating right
now?
she shrugs and licks the crumbs
off her hand. his eyes can’t help but follow the motion of her
tongue. it leaves a trail of faintly teal saliva behind that
glistens in the strange light coming through the windows.
JOHN: it’s like... a poison plant. you’re not
supposed to eat it, you’re supposed to put it in a pipe and smoke
it.
JOHN: i think that if i ate it i’d probably get
mouth cancer or something.
TEREZI: W3LL
TEREZI: 1F YOU W3R3 BL1ND 4ND S4W W1TH YOUR NOS3
4ND TONGU3
TEREZI: 1T WOULD T4ST3 L1K3 CHOCOL4T3
JOHN: seriously?
JOHN: so, is that kinda like synesthesia?
JOHN: are all trolls like that, or just you? i’ve
always wondered.
she gives him a narrow-eyed
look. her thick eyelashes shadow her gaze. he feels anxious without
knowing why. it’s as if he’s waiting for something to happen. for
something to change.
TEREZI: WHY JOHN
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU CUR1OUS 4BOUT M3? H3H3H3H3
JOHN: no!
JOHN: um.
JOHN: i mean... yes?
JOHN: your whole licking thing has always been kind
of weird.
JOHN: a lot of things about you are weird.
JOHN: i feel like we talked a lot, but i still know
almost nothing about you, since so many of our conversations were
just...
TEREZI: BULLSH1T?
JOHN: yeah, i guess.
JOHN: i always felt like you were trying to fight
me for some reason.
JOHN: like i can’t just talk to you normally.
JOHN: it always has to be like... a jokey
argument!
JOHN: or a snark-off. or something.
TEREZI: FOR 1T TO B3 4 SN4RK OFF YOUD H4V3 TO
PROV3 4 WORTHY OPPON3NT 3GB3RT H4H4H4
JOHN: see, like that!
JOHN: you just...
JOHN: always do THAT!
terezi’s expression changes in a
subtle way, slowly, like the tide pulling out. she snaps the
tobacco tin shut and sets it down on the floor of the car.
TEREZI: 1...
TEREZI: SUPPOS3 1 C4N B3 PR3TTY D1FF1CULT TO B3
4ROUND
JOHN: oh, no...
JOHN: i didn’t mean...
JOHN: i’m sorry, terezi.
he unfolds his legs, so he can
set a comforting hand on her shoulder. he wonders if he’s allowing
it to linger there longer than it should.
JOHN: look.
JOHN: i’ve been really depressed and antisocial for
the last few years.
JOHN: so i guess going on this insane suicide
mission out of nowhere has been making me get all, um...
JOHN: philosophical about my relationships and
shit?
JOHN: i think i’ve been out here long enough that
i’m starting to forget what certain basic things... feel like? if
that makes sense.
JOHN: i feel like i’m all numb inside. and this
fucking tooth in my chest isn’t helping either.
JOHN: i think i just want to have a REAL
conversation with someone?
he pushes her shoulder, lightly,
so that they’re looking at each other.
JOHN: terezi.
JOHN: i want to have a real conversation with
you.
terezi makes very close eye and
nose contact with john, in a way that comes across as intently
sincere. this arrangement lasts for about ten seconds before her
mouth cracks in a grin, and she doubles over laughing.
TEREZI: 4H4H4H4H4H4H4!
TEREZI: OH MY GOD TH4TS TH3 L4M3ST TH1NG 1V3
H34RD 1N MY 3NT1R3 L1F3
JOHN: oh come on!
TEREZI: 3GB3RT, NO M4TT3R HOW OLD OR YOUNG YOU
4R3, YOU N3V3R CH4NG3
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 POS1T1V3LY, TRULY 4ND
UND3N14BLY
TEREZI: TH3 B1GG3ST FUCK1NG DORK 1 H4V3 3V3R
KNOWN >:]
JOHN: haha, ok, i get it!
JOHN: sorry i said anything, geez.
TEREZI: OH DONT LOOK L1K3 TH4T
TEREZI: 1 D1DNT S4Y 1T W4S 4 B4D TH1NG
TEREZI: 1 4CTU4LLY F1ND 1T
TEREZI: ...
TEREZI: R3FR3SH1NG??
she pulls her legs up under her.
her shoes catch the light and reflect it all over the ceiling in
little red dots. john’s heart skips a beat.
JOHN: you’re wearing jade’s shoes.
terezi frowns, and then her eyes
widen as if she’s been caught. her reply is defensive.
TEREZI: TH3Y W3R3 1N TH3 W4LL3T
JOHN: oh yeah. i guess i put them in there.
TEREZI: 1 L1K3 TH3M
TEREZI: 1 C4N T4K3 TH3M OFF 1F 1TS CR33P1NG YOU
OUT THOUGH
JOHN: no, it’s fine. it just made me think
about...
the doomed timeline, he means.
the state of the session he entered, where he was confronted with
billions of pieces of debris from several shattered planets. he
pictures terezi’s lifeless body as it collapses onto a
corpse-shaped chalk outline she drew for herself.
JOHN: you know what happened, right? the first time
we all met up and tried to fight the condesce?
JOHN: we were completely unprepared and basically
got our asses handed to us.
JOHN: by which i mean, everybody died.
JOHN: i think about it a lot.
JOHN: i guess it’s kind of hard NOT to think a lot
about seeing all your friends die horrible deaths.
JOHN: but i also think about you from that timeline
a lot too.
TEREZI: M3
TEREZI: WHY 1S TH4T?
JOHN: because you were amazing!
JOHN: i couldn’t believe how you could hold it all
together while you were literally bleeding to death.
JOHN: almost like it wasn’t even bothering you.
JOHN: like, you were actually in the process of
dying horribly, and you STILL went to the bother of dunking on me
with your scarf instructions.
JOHN: you were so brave. it was like you were
undefeatable that day. like you were refusing to let us lose.
JOHN: i think i carry around that memory whenever i
think about you.
JOHN: and maybe why i always feel like you’re
sorta, steamrolling over me when we talk.
JOHN: i think i’m still a little... intimidated by
you?
JOHN: i guess that sounds kinda stupid though.
suddenly, terezi’s voice is very
small.
TEREZI: 1 R3M3MB3R 4LL TH4T
JOHN: you do?
she nods, smiling grimly.
TEREZI: TH4TS WHY 1M OUT H3R3
TEREZI: YOU S33...
TEREZI: TH4T DOOM3D T3R3Z1 M1SS3D VR1SK4 *SO*
MUCH, 1T W4S L1K3 4 HOL3 1N H3R H34RT
TEREZI: 1 R3M3MB3R TH3 W4Y SH3 F3LT, B3C4US3 ON3
T1M3, 4LL H3R M3MOR13S C4M3 FLOOD1NG B4CK
TEREZI: 1 3V3N GOT TO S33 WH4T H4PP3N3D WH3N SH3
D13D
TEREZI: SH3 4ND 4NOTH3R VR1SK4 GHOST F1N4LLY
FOUND 34CH OTH3R
TEREZI: 1T M4D3 M3 SO H4PPY G3TT1NG TO F33L TH4T,
4S 1F 1T W4S ON3 OF MY OWN M3MOR13S
TEREZI: 1T JUST R31NFORC3D TH3 F33L1NG TH4T TH3R3
W4S SOM3TH1NG SP3C14L B3TW33N US
TEREZI: 4ND 1 JUST K3PT H4NG1NG ON TO TH4T
B3L13F, R1GHT UP UNT1L...
TEREZI: OH, 1 DONT KNOW
TEREZI: NOW???
TEREZI: 1V3 PR4CT1C4LLY D3VOT3D MY L1F3 TO
C3RT41N M3MOR13S, TO TH3 1D34 TH4T TWO P3OPL3 C4N B3 M34NT TO B3
W1TH 34CH OTH3R ON SOM3 COSM1C L3V3L, 3V3N 1F TH3Y 4LW4YS S33M TO
G3T 34CH OTH3R 1NTO TROUBL3
TEREZI: 4LL TH4T 1NV3STM3NT, 4LL TH4T
S34RCH1NG...
TEREZI: 4ND FOR *WH4T*?
TEREZI: OV3R 4 SW33P TOG3TH3R, 4ND SH3 JUST
D1S4PP34RS 1NTO THE VO1D 4G41N?!
TEREZI: WH4T 4 HUG3 B1TCH
JOHN: terezi...
his hand is on her shoulder
again. and his other hand has found the other shoulder. john
notices his own palm grazing up the side of her neck to cup her
face. the act was made with barely a thought, and his own boldness
surprises himself.
JOHN: you SAVED everyone!
JOHN: you’re the only reason we were able to defeat
lord english and win the game at all!
JOHN: if it weren’t for you, me and roxy would have
just floated around in paradox space like a couple of losers with
no idea what to do!
JOHN: even worse, i might have tried to fix things
MYSELF!
TEREZI: OH D34R GOD
JOHN: yeah!!!
terezi shrugs out from under his
grasp but doesn’t move away.
TEREZI: S1GH
TEREZI: DONT G3T M3 WRONG
TEREZI: 1M NOT D1SCOUNT1NG TH3 OBJ3CT1V3 V4LU3 OF
MY OTH3R S3LFS ACT1ONS
TEREZI: 1M GL4D TH4T W3 D1DNT 4LL D13 1N 4 DOOM3D
T1M3L1N3 4ND L3T LORD 3NGL1SH F1N1SH 34T1NG 4LL OF SP4C3T1M3
TEREZI: BUT 1 DONT...
TEREZI: 1 DONT *F33L* 1T
TEREZI: 1TS NOT 4 R4T1ON4L 3MOT1ON JOHN
TEREZI: 1TS L1K3 YOU!
JOHN: me?
TEREZI: Y34H YOU
TEREZI: WHY 4R3 YOU ST1LL OUT H3R3 W1TH M3?
JOHN: um... because i’m not just going to leave you
here to die?
TEREZI: YOUV3 M4D3 V3RY F3W OV3RTUR3S R3G4RD1NG
TH3 SUBJ3CT OF GO1NG HOM3
TEREZI: YOUR3 JUST *L3TT1NG* M3 CONT1NU3 TO
PO1NTL3SSLY C1RCL3 TH1S FUCK1NG BL4CK HOL3 3V3N THOUGH 1TS OBV1OUS
TH4T VR1SK4 1S D34D!
TEREZI: 4ND YOUR3 JUST L3TT1NG *YOURS3LF* B3 OUT
H3R3 TOO, 4S W3 SP1R4L DOWN TH3 LO4D G4P3R TOG3TH3R!
JOHN: oh.
JOHN: i... don’t know?
JOHN: i hadn’t thought about it, to be honest.
TEREZI: 3X4CTLY
TEREZI: 34RTH C 1S P3RF3CT 1SNT 1T?
TEREZI: BUT NOT FOR YOU
TEREZI: YOU DONT *F33L* 1T
john swallows a thick breath. he
reminds himself that he never wanted perfection, never asked for
it. and yet he feels guilty every day for failing to enjoy it as
much as he believes he was supposed to.
JOHN: ...
JOHN: you’re right. i don’t.
TEREZI: 1F YOUV3 B33N D3PR3SS3D 4ND 4NT1SOC14L
TH3S3 L4ST F3W Y34RS, 1 B3T TH4T YOUR FR13NDS M1SS YOU
JOHN: probably.
JOHN: but for some reason, i don’t feel like i have
anything to go home to.
JOHN: heh... you’re right. it’s not a rational
feeling.
JOHN: but it’s there anyway.
a tear hits his knee, staining
his pants dark. he rubs his eyes furiously. he’s afraid terezi will
mock him for his childish display of emotion. but she just watches
him, patient and sympathetic.
she tips her head to one side, and
asks,
TEREZI: WH4T 3ND3D UP H4PP3N1NG W1TH ROXY?
JOHN: i...
JOHN: dunno.
JOHN: we just sorta stopped hanging out
regularly.
JOHN: then she got close with callie and i felt too
awkward to try to figure out where our relationship stood.
TEREZI: R34LLY?
TEREZI: HMM
JOHN: what?
TEREZI: 1 JUST 4SSUM3D TH4T BY NOW YOU TWO M1GHT
H4V3 GOTT3N TOG3TH3R
JOHN: really?
JOHN: why?
TEREZI: NO R34SON. JUST 4 HUNCH
TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD H4V3 WORK3D OUT
THOUGH
JOHN: what makes you say that?
she taps her nose and winks.
TEREZI: 1 DUNNO
TEREZI: TH4TS WH4T H4V1NG 4 HUNCH FUCK1NG M34NS,
N3RD!
JOHN: ugh!
JOHN: you’re impossible.
TEREZI: TRU3!
TEREZI: BUT YOU L1K3 M3 4NYW4Y
JOHN: y... yeah.
JOHN: i actually missed you, you know.
JOHN: more than i thought i did.
john wonders, after he makes the
statement: what if she just needed someone to tell her that she was
missed? a bit late to consider the question, but he considers it
anyway. perhaps this will make her want to end this search and come
home with him.
he wonders if the time is right. the time
to ask.
JOHN: terezi... come home with me.
she shakes her head. her face is
turned against the light so he can’t read her expression.
TEREZI: 1
TEREZI: 1M NOT R34DY Y3T
JOHN: when WILL you be ready?
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW
TEREZI: M4YB3 N3V3R
TEREZI: 1F YOU H4DNT FOUND M3, 1 PROB4BLY WOULD
H4V3 D13D R1GHT?
TEREZI: 1S TH4T WH4T 1 W4NT?
JOHN: um, obviously not, dummy!
JOHN: if you wanted to die so bad you wouldn’t
have...
JOHN: ...eaten all that disgusting shaving cream
and tobacco!
he gestures to where she still
has a smear of shaving cream on the hem of her shirt, crusted over
from sitting there for hours. she sniffs at the residue, then lifts
her shirt to lick it off, crinkling her nose.
TEREZI: HMM
TEREZI: YOU COULD B3 ON TO SOM3TH1NG
JOHN: at least let me make a supply run.
JOHN: maybe i can get you some REAL food?
it seems to him like an
uncontroversial compromise to offer, so he pulls back, preparing to
travel back to earth c via his retcon capability. but terezi grabs
him by the wrist.
her eyes are wide, her voice
cracked and desperate.
TEREZI: DONT GO
TEREZI: PL34S3 JOHN
TEREZI: ST4Y W1TH M3 JUST 4 L1TTL3 LONG3R
TEREZI: 1F YOU L34V3 M3 NOW...
TEREZI: WH4T 1F YOU C4N N3V3R F1ND M3 4G41N 1N
TH1S MOM3NT?
JOHN: well, we can’t stay here forever!
TEREZI: 1 KNOW
he has no idea how to react to
her behavior. he’s never seen her this vulnerable. she’s shaking
where she is touching him, and her lower lip is visibly trembling.
he nods, and she slowly lets go of his arm.
they are silent for a minute. they both
stare ahead at the car seats in front of them, sitting close enough
to hear the beat of each other’s hearts.
TEREZI: ...DO YOU
TEREZI: W4NT M3 TO T4K3 4 LOOK 4T YOUR WOUND?
john had gotten so used to the
pain, he’d almost forgotten about it. he looks down at the place
where his shirt has grown stiff from the congealed blood. now that
he dwells on it, he can feel the ache again, both from the tooth
piercing his flesh and, more insidiously, from the poison it has
been delivering into his bloodstream.
JOHN: oh, um.
JOHN: yeah, we should probably do something about
that.
JOHN: i feel like if i was gonna die from it, i
would have done that already. but it’s really lodged in there,
huh?
JOHN: i thought maybe it’d just come out on its
own, like when you get a splinter in your foot.
TEREZI: YOU R34LLY 4R3 DUMB 4R3NT YOU?
he rolls his eyes. terezi
produces her cane and unsheathes the blade in one fluid motion. the
metal rasps against the grain of its sheath, rather loudly.
I’m sorry, what? No
it doesn’t. the noise resounds throughout the sealed
interior of the car Actually, drawing a sword is pretty quiet. It only makes that sound in the movies.and rings through john’s skull like a gunshot.
Are you seriously manifesting inaccurate physical properties of
swords for the sole purpose of antagojohn reflexively backs up against the door at Oh, fuck this. the sight of the blade.
JOHN: woah!
TEREZI: HOLD ST1LL 1F YOU DONT W4NT TO D13 FOR
R34L
he holds still. her eyebrows are
knitted with fierce determination. she sets a hand on his thigh and
draws the blade up under his shirt. he shivers, letting out a
breathy laugh at the coolness of the metal against his bare chest.
there is a pinch when the congealed, bloody fabric rips from his
skin.
he glances down. the wound looks worse
than he was imagining, is far more than just a puncture. an uncanny
darkness spreads across his chest. the gash is scabbing at the
edges, bruised all around. his entire torso appears to be a mottled
mess of purple and yellow, like a sort of fancy earth cheese.
terezi’s blade cuts into it as easily as if it were.
JOHN: oh FUCK!
JOHN: ow!!!!!
JOHN: could have used some warning there,
terezi!
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 H3LL D1D YOU TH1NK 1 W4S *GO1NG*
TO DO W1TH TH1S SWORD, 1D1OT!
she’s close enough that her
breath washes over his face. it smells like shaving cream and
tobacco, which is jarring to him, if not surprising. she is without
her glasses, and so close that john notices things he hasn’t had
occasion to before. like how lovely her eyes are. the length of her
eyelashes, now that he’s really seeing them just inches from his
face, is astounding to him. he has never thought of terezi as
particularly feminine, at least in the way humans understand this
idea. but he has never been forced to reckon with her features so
unavoidably.
the dark borders around the perimeter of
her eyes are thicker and darker than what most trolls have. the
tired bags under them are ditches in the shadows cast by her
angular features, made more gaunt from hunger. when she blinks, her
lashes brush the ridges of her cheekbones.
her nostrils are flared, assessing the
scent of his blood.
TEREZI: 4R3 W3 DO1NG TH1S OR WH4T?
he presses his eyes shut, and
nods. he feels numb, clammy, jittering down to his bones from a
particular sensation. a feeling he still seems to be denying to
himself. as his own thoughts struggle to be honest with him, he
cannot disguise the truth from me. what he is fighting is an
intense desire to kiss her.
she grinds the sword between two
of his ribs. the pain returns instantly, his acclimation erased
nearly as quickly. he clenches his jaw hard, and his head spins.
terezi’s blade catches against something.
TEREZI: HMMM
TEREZI: 1TS LODG3D 1N TH3R3 PR3TTY GOOD
TEREZI: BR4C3 YOURS3LF 3GB3RT, TH1S 1S GO1NG TO
ST1NG
he can feel the tooth moving
around against his flesh, the fibrous, spasmodic contractions of
his muscles around it. when she wrenches the blade and pops the
tooth out, he isn’t proud of the sound he makes.
he finally opens his eyes. terezi’s arms
are covered in his blood. she tosses the sword down to the floor of
the car, in what suddenly strikes john as a fairly unhygienic
surgical situation, and grabs his shirt with two clenched, red
fists.
TEREZI: 1 N33D TO STOP TH3 BL33D1NG
TEREZI: JUST FOLLOW MY L34D
she peels him out of his hoodie
and then his shredded t-shirt. he’s dizzy. his vision wavers,
fades. it takes terezi’s sudden grip on his shoulder to bring him
back from the brink. the brink of what, he doesn’t know.
unconsciousness. canonic dissolution. he has no cognizance of what
the poison in his veins does to someone, or that it’s even in his
system. all he knows is that terezi is the only thing keeping him
moored. she holds him firm, her thumb in the dip of his clavicle,
her sharp nails etching scores in his back.
he watches her tear his t-shirt into a
long strip. he lifts his arms obediently as she wraps it around his
chest and ties it off. her hands slide over the bandage and linger
there. her fingers splay on his collarbones, her right hand resting
above his heart. she slides her palms down his stomach, then around
to his hips, leaving long bloody streaks along his torso. his
blood, ten uneven tracks of it, one for each of her fingers.
when his arms come down, they wrap around
her shoulders. pulling her into his lap feels natural to him. a
simple redirection of her momentum, to guide her closer. what comes
less naturally is the first kiss. her lips are there, hovering just
over his. yet he hesitates. his mind is still lying to itself,
casting doubt on what it really wants. i don’t see a purpose in
allowing his self-deceit to continue for much longer. it’s wrong to
contradict one’s true thoughts and feelings. irrational. unbecoming
of an existence governed by free will.
what are you waiting for, john?
JOHN: um.
TEREZI: FOR FUCKS S4K3 JOHN, DONT S4Y 4NYTH1NG
STUP1D R1GHT NOW
he nods stupidly, and leans
forward to kiss her. terezi attacks, closing the gap between them
swiftly. she bites into his mouth, drawing blood when she sucks his
lower lip. he twists his hands in the fabric of her shirt so hard
it rides up her back.
john can’t tell if it’s the pain or the
arousal that’s emboldening him. it is neither. he is simply being
barred from ignoring his true thoughts. even without the aid of a
juju, he is fortunate enough to be blessed with the only true form
of divinity. to be released from the prison of nonsensical
inhibitions which so often psychologically hobble the more
primitive forms of life. in his newfound clarity he discovers
bravery, pulls terezi’s shirt off all the way, and does what he
really wants to do, which is ghost his hands all the way up the
curve of her spine.
she sighs into his mouth.
TEREZI: OH MY GOD YOUR BLOOD SM3LLS D3L1C1OUS
JOHN: woah.
JOHN: um, wow.
JOHN: ok...
JOHN: i think you’re really pretty, in... the light
of the dead universe?
terezi rears back with a faint
snarl and wraps both her hands around his neck. she doesn’t press
down, but the weight of her thumbs above his throat makes his heart
race.
TEREZI: D1DNT 1 T3LL YOU
TEREZI: DONT
TEREZI: S4Y
TEREZI: *4NYTH1NG* STUP1D
careful of her grip around his
neck, john locks his arms around her waist and pulls her flush
against him. she’s ravenous when their mouths collide, her desire
intensified by the taste and scent of his blood. she doesn’t give
him a chance to say anything else for a while, stupid or
otherwise.