But before
we get completely out of dodge, there’s one more trifling matter
I’d better take care of.
It’s a big day, but not one my dear brotherson and
his irascible boywife seem to be relishing. Dave and Karkat are
both squatting in their shameful bunker of defeat, all the curtains
drawn shut so that the sunlight cannot disturb an atmosphere that
was carefully cultivated to facilitate their sourpuss moping.
The only illumination is emanating from their
television screen, which broadcasts the bright and sunny scene of
Jane’s inauguration. She stands at a podium in front of a crowd of
thousands of her adoring fans and subjects, belting out one killer
speech. I wrote it, so you know it’s good.
But the mood in here is heavy. I think they’ve been
coasting on denial for a while, but today is the day they have to
finally accept that there are no take-backs, no do-overs: Jane is
the president, and that’s that.
Karkat’s all balled up on the couch as he stares
hatefully at the televised production. He doesn’t look up when Dave
walks back into the room, carrying two massive bottles of
liquor.
DAVE: hey
DAVE: want to get drunk
Huh.
KARKAT: HUH?
DAVE: i went and got all this fucking booze
KARKAT: YOU *GOT* BOOZE?
DAVE: yeah check it
KARKAT: YOU ACTUALLY WENT AND *GOT* IT.
KARKAT: LIKE, YOU LITERALLY LEFT THE HOUSE AND
EXCHANGED CURRENCY WITH A REAL, LIVE PERSON TO OBTAIN ALCOHOL.
DAVE: yeah i walked into the boozery all pigeon
toed and embarrassed
DAVE: like some fuckin hooch noob
DAVE: was all like yo whats the most pathetic thing
you got to drink yourself to death with
KARKAT: THE BOOZERY???
DAVE: passed right by the box wine
DAVE: the bagged wine
DAVE: the shots they put in those little blister
packs by the register
DAVE: the wine in the little sippy cups with the
disposable plastic straws like juice for fucking babies
DAVE: i made that last one up i dont actually know
anything about alcohol
DAVE: anyway two plastic soda bottles of vodka
cooler seems to be about where were at right now
DAVE: i think thats what this is anyway
DAVE: i dont really care long as it gets the job
done
DAVE: i decided that im an alcoholic now
I’ve always found inebriation to be
distasteful, really. Never understood the personal appeal of it,
and after seeing how indelicately its effects have touched the
other members of our family, I can’t help but feel like it’s a
waste of everybody’s fucking time. I’d have half a mind to tell him
to dump it all in the sink, if I weren’t cutting it down to the
wire as it is.
But you know what? Go the fuck ahead, bro. Might
help him ease those ridiculous inhibitions for once in his life.
Slide the stick out of his ass. Maybe slide something else up there
instead, if you catch my drift. But I don’t want to get ahead of
myself here. At this stage, anything could happen.
Dave sits beside Karkat on the couch, and sets the
alcohol down on the table in front of him. He sinks heavily into
the cushioning with a sigh.
KARKAT: HAVE YOU NOW.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: its never too late to develop a substance
abuse problem
DAVE: ive been thinking about it for a while and it
seems like its time for me to finally get on the wagon of not being
on the wagon
KARKAT: THAT’S REALLY GREAT, DAVE.
DAVE: thanks
DAVE: anyway hows the inauguration
DAVE: you having a good time dwelling on every tiny
little factor that cumulatively led to our electoral defeat
DAVE: and how if just one thing had been different
it would have been us up there
KARKAT: UGH.
KARKAT: YOU AND I BOTH KNOW NOTHING MATTERED IN
THAT CAMPAIGN BUT JAKE’S FUCKING SPEECH.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: i mean, like
DAVE: i just keep imagining what wouldve happened
if that absurd rube goldberg machine of life ruining humiliation
had been stopped at any point
DAVE: maybe just being backstabbed by his
endorsement alone was something we couldve recovered from with some
rigorous counter campaigning
DAVE: but what if i had been fast enough to cut him
off before hed even said anything
DAVE: what if i hadnt accidentally fallen on him on
the stage when i was rushing over there to stop him
DAVE: what if he hadnt freaked out like i set off
fireworks next to a nam vet and started trying to fucking scrum
me
DAVE: what if id just backed away from his punch
with my legs like a normal person instead of warping the flow of
time to escape causing him to become so startled he shit his
pants
DAVE: what if i hadnt gotten so visibly grossed out
by the smell that even the people watching it on tv could tell what
had happened
DAVE: what if he hadnt started sobbing when the
audience in the front rows started throwing up
DAVE: what if wed had better security and stopped
that lady from running onstage during the fracas and announcing
that jake has been dodging paying child support for their 3
kids
DAVE: like what was the LINE
KARKAT: IT WASN’T... *THAT* BAD.
DAVE: you think
Karkat falls into a vacant, thousand-yard
stare.
DAVE: yeah see thats why im an alcoholic now
DAVE: want a drink
I have sympathy, I really do. It’s tough
to devote so much time and effort to something, come so close to
tasting victory, just to have it snatched out of your grasp at the
final instant. I might even feel bad about it in any other
circumstance.
But this was how things had to be. It’s better this
way. They know that. At least, Karkat certainly does.
KARKAT: IF I’M BEING PERFECTLY FUCKING HONEST
KARKAT: I’M GLAD I LOST. I NEVER WANTED TO
FUCKING WIN IN THE FIRST PLACE.
DAVE: dude come on
KARKAT: NO, I’M BEING SERIOUS.
KARKAT: I’M NOT EVEN DOING SOME SOUR GRAPES “I
NEVER WANTED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE I’M A SORE LOSER TRYING
TO DELUDE MYSELF INTO THINKING I DON’T CARE” SORT OF THING.
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY I FUCKING CARE SINCE NOW THE
PLANET IS GOING TO BE COMPLETELY RUINED BY THIS JUMPED-UP FASCIST
DICTATOR WHO HAS EVERY INTENTION OF GRADUALLY GENOCIDING MY SPECIES
INTO NONEXISTENCE BEFORE MY VERY EYES.
KARKAT: BUT I CANNOT FUCKING THINK OF A SINGLE
THING IN THE UNIVERSE I WANTED TO DO LESS THAN BE THE STUPID
FUCKING PRESIDENT.
KARKAT: THANK HUMAN OBAMA.
DAVE: wait was there a troll obama
KARKAT: I’M THE FUCKING TROLL OBAMA,
REMEMBER?
DAVE: karkat
DAVE: you wouldve been so much more than obama
God damn if that isn’t the most romantic
fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
If Karkat had anything resembling a spine, he’d
turn to Dave with those big, sparkling shoujo eyes and finally open
his tsundere heart to consummating their painfully obvious and
mutually reciprocated passion. But he doesn’t, so he gives a
noncommittal little sniff and turns back to the inauguration
instead.
Obviously, I’ve got an agenda here. It’s pretty
clear to me what these guys want out of this relationship, despite
the fact that both of them being bottoms evidently makes it
impossible for them to pass whatever last ludicrous psychological
obstacle stands between them and nonstop, animalistic fucking. I’ve
let it go on like this for long enough. These stooges clearly need
some help.
I could insist that they just fucking go for it
already, using the methods available to me. I’d rather not. There
are certain boundaries I’m not inclined to cross, primarily in
service to the emotional integrity of my friends’ respective
personal arcs. The little moments like these don’t mean anything if
they’re coming from me, do they?
As such, insistence isn’t the tool I’d prefer.
Persuasion is the one I reach for. And in a case like this, I can’t
imagine it’s going to take that much.
They fall into another silence that’s more
comfortable than it has any right to be. The crowd is really going
nuts for Jane now, since she’s hit one of the best parts of my
speech. She’s just blasting the fuck off about how good the
economy’s going to get. I can feel Dave’s teeth grinding all the
way down to the narrative fabric of reality.
Dave reaches out for the booze. It’s past time to
get wasted, he thinks.
But Karkat is starting to realize how much all of
Dave’s efforts mean to him. It’s really welling up inside him now.
He’s so emotional about it that he can’t help but say
something.
Dave stops with his arm outstretched. His
gaze turns to meet Karkat’s, but Karkat can’t bear to hold the eye
contact for long. Looking at Dave is like staring straight at the
sun. He is awfully handsome, isn’t he? Then again, crawling out of
a primo gene pool does have its benefits.
DAVE: yeah buddy whats up
KARKAT: I JUST...
DAVE: hey dont worry about it
DAVE: you dont have to explain yourself to me
DAVE: i get it
DAVE: it makes sense. id always felt the same way
kind of
DAVE: like about all my shit with sburb and
whatever. the reluctant heros journey
DAVE: that feeling where youre being dragged along
to being a kind of guy everyone is saying you have to be but youve
never felt like theres any way you can really BECOME
DAVE: where every second you feel so sick with your
own self doubt and fear that you cant bear to even imagine the
future
DAVE: and you think
DAVE: why me
DAVE: even though you know it cant be anyone but
you
DAVE: and thats why you do it
KARKAT: YEAH.
DAVE: lol
KARKAT: I WASN’T TRYING TO EXPLAIN MYSELF,
THOUGH.
KARKAT: I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU.
DAVE: huh
DAVE: for what
Karkat’s eyes drift from the TV to the
floor. The slightest of smiles tugs at the corners of his mouth. He
feels something warm inside of his chest. It feels right. It’s
something he needs to say.
KARKAT: FOR... EVERYTHING.
KARKAT: EVEN IF WE DIDN’T WIN, I’M GLAD WE
TRIED.
KARKAT: I’M GLAD WE WENT THROUGH THIS
TOGETHER.
DAVE: me too
KARKAT: MORE THAN ANYTHING, I... YOU...
KARKAT: YOU BELIEVE IN ME IN A WAY NOBODY EVER
HAS BEFORE.
KARKAT: MORE THAN I’VE EVER BEEN ABLE TO BELIEVE
IN MYSELF.
KARKAT: AND I’VE NEVER REALLY...
KARKAT: FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE.
DAVE: felt like what
KARKAT: I MEAN, LIKE
KARKAT: YOU KNOW.
KARKAT: IT’S NOT LIKE I’VE NEVER HAD FRIENDS
BEFORE. PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT.
KARKAT: BUT WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME THEY CARE ABOUT
ME, ON SOME LEVEL IT’S HARD FOR ME TO REALLY BUY IT.
KARKAT: THEY CAN LIST WHATEVER JUSTIFICATIONS
THEY HAVE FOR LIKING ME AND IT ALL FEELS LIKE BULLSHIT.
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
YOU CAN’T REALLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THIS
ABOUT ME.
KARKAT: THERE’S NO WAY YOU ACTUALLY SEE ME THAT
WAY.
KARKAT: YOU JUST FEEL BAD FOR ME. YOU’RE TALKING
DOWN TO ME LIKE I’M SOME SORT OF PATHETIC WIGGLER WHO NEEDS TO BE
CODDLED.
KARKAT: OR YOU’RE JUST IMAGINING I’M WHATEVER WAY
YOU WISH I WOULD BE, SOME PERSON WHO’S BETTER AND SMARTER AND
STRONGER AND KINDER AND MORE VALUABLE THAN THE PERSON I REALLY
AM.
KARKAT: I CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE I CARE
ABOUT WOULD EVER WASTE THEIR FUCKING TIME ON ME.
KARKAT: BUT WITH YOU...
Karkat draws a breath and curls up on
himself. His instinct is to pull back, but he’s fighting it now. He
needs to see this one through to the end.
KARKAT: BUT WITH YOU, IT MAKES SENSE. I
GUESS.
KARKAT: WHEN YOU SAY SOMETHING NICE TO ME, I’M
LIKE... YEAH? OK?
KARKAT: THAT’S COMPREHENSIBLE? I SEE HOW YOU GOT
FROM POINT A TO POINT B.
KARKAT: I CAN KNOW YOU THE WAY I DO AND THINK
ABOUT WHO YOU ARE AND I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU’D WANT SOMEONE LIKE
ME BESIDE YOU.
KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE TO WONDER WHAT’S
MISSING.
KARKAT: YOU’RE ON MY LEVEL. AND I’M ON YOURS.
KARKAT: I BELIEVE THAT YOU SEE ME IN FRONT OF YOU
THE WAY I ACTUALLY AM, FOR BETTER OR WORSE, AND STILL LIKE ME
ANYWAY.
KARKAT: SO EVEN THOUGH IT’S STILL HARD FOR ME TO
BELIEVE IN MYSELF A LOT OF THE TIME,
KARKAT: I BELIEVE IN YOU, SO I DON’T NEED TO.
DAVE: so what youre saying is you believe in me who
believes in you
Dave. Please.
KARKAT: YEAH, KIND OF?
KARKAT: FUCK, MAN. THAT’S KIND OF DEEP.
DAVE: i know
KARKAT: SO, YEAH.
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT I’VE NEVER REALLY FELT
BEFORE.
KARKAT: AND I’M GLAD YOU’RE...
KARKAT: THAT WE’RE...
Come on. You’re so close.
KARKAT: I’M GLAD YOU’RE MY FRIEND, DAVE.
Oh, for the love of god.
This is practically slapstick at this point. “My
friend”????? That was the most excruciatingly overblown and
socially maladapted love confession I’ve ever had the displeasure
of witnessing, including my own, and he still managed to fumble it
into obscurity at the last moment. The guy was barreling in for an
unimpeded touchdown and took a hard left straight into the friend
zone.
It’s not like Dave is stupid. He’s picking up on
the subtext. It’s just Karkat’s cop-out that’s filling him with
doubt. It was a little too obviously sentimental. So
obvious that maybe the “friend” thing was a deliberate warning.
Maybe relationships aren’t a thing Karkat can really “do.” Maybe if
Dave crosses the line he’ll ruin everything. Better this
excruciating liminal space, something more than friendship but not
quite love, than nothing at all.
I look Dave right in his mind’s eye and tell him to
cut it the fuck out. He wants it, you want it, so just go for it,
my man. It’s now or never.
I feel every brain cell in my immortal
body begin to perish in real time. Dave, you cannot actually be
that bad at this. How the hell are you walking around with my genes
and still acting like this?
Look. Even you can manage to top this
guy. You’ve got it easy, dude. He’s gonna open up for you like you
just rolled up on a Denny’s at 3 a.m. with all the boys and a
Groupon. You can do it right here on the couch if you want.
Dave scrunches up his face a little like he’s
constipated. Okay, maybe I’m getting a bit worked up. I need to
dial it back.
KARKAT: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DAVE: huh
DAVE: no
DAVE: sorry i just had an absolutely insane train
of thought that kind of sent me for a loop
KARKAT: UHH... WHAT?
DAVE: no its extremely better that i dont tell
you
DAVE: i kind of forgot what we were talking about
because it was so awful
KARKAT: ...
You were talking about Karkat’s feelings?
He just dropped some touching-ass bomb about believing in you
believing in him or whatever. You should really get to the root of
where this is all coming from.
DAVE: oh right
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: all that shit you said about us being friends
and on the same level or whatever
DAVE: yeah i feel the same way basically
DAVE: or like
DAVE: well
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: im not sure that i like...
DAVE: hm.
Go on.
DAVE: im kind of getting the feeling that...
maybe...
DAVE: theres a level to what were thinking that
isnt entirely coming across in words
DAVE: and since we dont have the right words we
arent getting to the right actions either
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
DAVE: like maybe we feel the same way about certain
things
DAVE: but what were saying and what were
feeling
DAVE: maybe those arent exactly the same thing
DAVE: and maybe... we should...
KARKAT: WE SHOULD WHAT?
DAVE: maybe its time to
DAVE: talk
DAVE: about... that
Well, I guess this is progress?
KARKAT: THAT???
DAVE: yeah, like
DAVE: how... when you say were friends
DAVE: what... does that mean
KARKAT: THAT WE’RE FRIENDS?
DAVE: yeah but
DAVE: is that it?
DAVE: just friends
Karkat looks like a deer caught in the
headlights.
KARKAT: OF COURSE NOT.
KARKAT: YOU’RE MY...........
KARKAT: B......
KARKAT: ......EST FRIEND.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: i see
I’ve literally been decapitated and that
was less unbearable than this. I don’t understand it. I just want
you to be happy, man. Why can’t you make anything easy for
yourself?
Whatever. I kind of don’t have time for
this shit. The gloves are coming off. The anime ninja training
weights are history. It’s time to get down to business.
You look into Karkat’s eyes. You see that twinkle?
That’s devotion, you unbelievably dense neutron star of a dumbshit.
It’s sparkling like a visit from your fairy fuckin’ godmother. That
shit is pure and true. A supernova of all your hopes and dreams
swirling together like a radially effervescing kaleidoscope of more
hot boy peckers than you could ever imagine.
But you aren’t imagining any peckers
other than the one right in front of you. Karkat’s probably quite
modest and feminine alien penis is the only one you’ve thought
about in years. Suddenly, you can’t even comprehend how it is
you’ve gone so long without kissing him. You want to so badly. It
would be so easy, and you know he wouldn’t turn you away.
You lift a trembling hand and slowly
close the scant distance between you to brush your thumb against
Karkat’s cheek. He freezes in place, terrified.
Karkat’s lips part, his breath held. His
eyes are wide with anticipation. He looks beautiful like this, you
think. All you have to do is press your mouth to his, and he’ll
finally know he’s yours.
You start to lean in. Karkat closes his eyes and
relaxes into your hand. He’s ready. It’s happening. It’s FUCKING
happening!!!
What? What are you doing? Oh my god. I’m
throwing my hands up in the air in the middle of the other shit I’m
doing because this sucks just that much.
KARKAT: WHAT’S WRONG?
KARKAT: DID I DO SOMETH—
DAVE: no
DAVE: i just cant
DAVE: shit
DAVE: it just feels like
It feels like nothing, Dave. Don’t worry
about it.
DAVE: what the fuck is going on
DAVE: this feels really off
KARKAT: ????
DAVE: idk
DAVE: i just keep having thoughts i know id never
think
Oh, come the fuck on.
I’m going to have an aneurysm. He’s hearing me but
not listening to me. This dude has such a titanium grasp on his own
born-again virginity that not even the literal hand of God can
compel him to kiss his own goddamn boyfriend.
KARKAT: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
DAVE: i have no idea
DAVE: im sorry
Dave pulls away. Karkat looks like he’s
about to throw up. I’m about to throw up, if I’m being
perfectly honest.
I don’t know what to do at this point. He doesn’t
know it’s me, but he’s fighting my influence with every ounce of
strength he’s got. If I push any further, things could get messy,
epistemologically speaking. I could try more of a backdoor approach
and nudge them towards the sauce, but I don’t know if even that
would help at this stage. And my timetable for direct physical
intervention is fairly limited.
I take a deep breath and get myself under control.
My light psychological intrusions may have only made things worse.
Invested as I am in the outcome of this encounter, I know forcing
their hand would be a mistake.
If Dave passes that threshold not of his own will,
it’d be a hollow victory anyway. There’s nothing I can do but
settle down, step it back, and trust my boy to bring it home.
The gears are turning in Dave’s head. He knows he
stands at a precipice, and what he decides here could mean
everything. Maybe that forced kiss seemed wrong, but he knows what
he feels doesn’t. He can’t deny that. And he can’t just forget the
fact that when he went for it, Karkat wasn’t pulling away.
At the end of the day, he knows what the truth is.
Really, he always has.
So what are you going to do about it, Dave? This
time, it’s really up to you.
Dave meets Karkat’s eyes in a rare moment of
clarity. It’s then, I think, that they both finally realize what’s
been obvious to everyone else all along. With a measured motion,
Dave pulls his shades off of his face.
If Karkat was stunned before, he’s even more
stunned now. The privilege of a Strider Eye Moment is about the
most earth-shattering experience a young man will ever have in his
life. For once, neither of them have anything stupid to say. All
they have is an electric connection that is no longer possible to
ignore.
Dave brings his hand back up to Karkat’s cheek in a
gesture much more confident than the last. He’s not rushing
anything this time. He’s only doing what feels right, taking it
each second at a time.
Karkat’s tension begins to dissipate from his body
in stages. His stiff shoulders drop. His guarded expression
relaxes. And when he covers Dave’s hand with his own, he’s not
shaking at all.
Karkat helps Dave slip his hand from the side of
his face around to cup the nape of his neck. It’s a tender,
steadying touch. Dave applies only the slightest of pressure to
draw him forward, and Karkat follows his lead.
They’re so close that Dave can feel Karkat’s
shallow breath ghosting over his skin. Karkat’s eyes are shimmering
and wet as they flutter closed, moisture beading in his thick
eyelashes. His tongue darts out to wet his lips. All that’s left is
just one more step. Just one final inch, and it’s over.
They both move to close the distance at the same
time.
There’s a second where both of them freeze like
that, still in the intimate contact. Nothing but the warmth of each
other’s bodies and the dawning realization of a significant
boundary crossed. Dave draws in a sharp breath, lets his lips part
and... just... a little more. That’s it. Yes! Wait. Dave, don’t
linger. Some lines of stress appear on his face. He’s struggling
with something. No. Dave, don’t fucking do this. He’s grinding his
teeth, and putting both hands up to his temples. Beads of sweat dot
his brow. This is so fucking unreal. Holy shit, Dave, if you so
much as—
DAVE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD AND JUST LET ME
DO THIS MYSELF!!!
KARKAT: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DAVE: dude
DAVE: come here...
He... oh my god. He.
He fucking just... wow. Dave lunges forward and
kisses Karkat directly on the mouth. It’s like a dam has burst.
Neither of them could hold anything back now even if they wanted
to. It’s like...
God damn. I’m sorry. I’m blowing the description
here, and missing a lot of good shit. It just caught me so off
guard. Dave, my dude. I’m so proud of you. Okay, I can do this. I
fucking NEED to do this justice. *Cracks the mother
fucking knuckles of a yaoi poet and gets down to
business.*
...
...
Eh...
You know what? Nah.
I’m not going to intercede with a single word
further, and I won’t let you, either. I won’t cheapen this
beautiful moment with my base editorialization just to satisfy your
voyeuristic curiousity. Frankly, I’m offended you’d even expect me
to. What they’re getting up to here is nobody’s business but
theirs.
Davekat is canon, and that’s really all there is to
say on the matter. Let’s give these crazy lovebirds some privacy
and move on.