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809 lines
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat - Chapter 32</title>
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<h1>Chapter 32</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">R</span>oxy is
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nervously dialing rose’s number repeatedly. then they try kanaya.
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considering rose’s failing health, roxy hates to bother her, but
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they aren’t sure who else to call regarding jade’s unexpected
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trance. their finger hovers over dirks number for a moment, but...
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no. that would not be a good idea. they don’t know why they
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suddenly think it’s a bad idea. it just is.</p>
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<p class="calliope-dead">roxy’s anxiety fills up the room, like a
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bell struck in an empty hall. their thoughts, usually so quiet,
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invisible to those observing from the vantage of a higher textual
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plane, now chime loudly in the presence of a black hole. or rather,
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in the presence of a proxy for such a vortex of pure void. a proxy
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such as jade’s mind, at the moment.</p>
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<p class="calliope-dead">jade floats over the couch in a sitting
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position, an inch above the cushions. her long hair billows around
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her, her hands crossed in her lap. her black eyes bore into the
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nothingness, looking beyond the wall she faces, and beyond
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everything past it, through the very fabric of narrative itself.
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they scan the ciliary veins of pacing, motivation, foreshadowing,
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irony—a continuum that has been upended by the prince’s
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interference.</p>
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<p class="calliope-dead">rose still does not pick up.</p>
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<p class="calliope-dead">roxy resigns themself to a confidant of
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last resort. their reluctance is not due to lack of fondness. their
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conversations with dave simply have a reliable habit of straying
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far from the desired topic for extended periods of time. he picks
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up on the third ring.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yo</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: love to chat but im kinda in the middle of
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something</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: yo yourself but this is important</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: uhhh</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: more important than salvaging the global
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economy from potential disaster??</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: sounds hugely unlikely</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave is currently making his way
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through the backlot of the new cantown memorial stadium, following
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jake as he heads toward the podium. he is scheduled to give a
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speech announcing his official endorsement of karkat vantas in his
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bid for the presidency.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: idk about that</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: in terms of scale and relativity and stuff
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maybe not</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: its actually kinda hard to tell</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i guess in the grand scheme of things</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: shes just takin a sort of nap</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: but its one HELL of a nap bro</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: a nap you say</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: well this changes the fuck out of
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everything</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea??</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: nah</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">it’s a balmy, windless evening
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on dave’s end. the gathered crowd is relaxed by the warmth. many of
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them partake in the pleasure of a cool treat, such as earth “iced”
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cream.</p>
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<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Jesus fuck, this is
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excruciating.</span></p>
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">it isn’t. <span class="dirk type-bs type-hs-bottom">Yeah it is.</span> no. it is not.
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<span class="dirk type-bs type-hs-bottom">Okay. Whatever the
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fuck you say.</span></p>
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<p class="calliope-dead">the audience is large and diverse. mostly
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trolls and carapacians, but it is dotted with representation from
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the human and consort kingdoms as well. a lopsided distribution,
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certainly, but the very model of diversity compared to the crowds
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of his opponent. it is a true inspiration to all those who have
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placed their faith in the vantas ticket.</p>
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<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Lord save me from this fake woke
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nightmare.</span> <span class="calliope-dead">be quiet.</span>
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<span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">No.</span> <span class="calliope-dead">yes.</span> <span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Let me fucking say stuff again.</span>
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<span class="calliope-dead">no.</span></p>
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave stops walking, and cups a
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hand around his phone in order to hear roxy over the chatter of the
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crowd. karkat shoots him a curious look, but dave waves at him in a
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manner which signals to karkat that he should attempt to stall.</p>
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<p class="no-indent dirk" style="margin:15px 0"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">You want to keep shutting me down? Fine. But check THIS shit out.</span></p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: lmao dirk just texted me about this</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: somehow he found out about jade did u tell
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him</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: uh no</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: he just said make sure she gets lotsa
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daylight</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: that itll help with the “exorcism she
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needs”.....</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: and also to say hi to calliope for some
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fuckin reason??</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: thats weird</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: since when does he give a fuck about them</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: idk</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: guess ill just open the damn curtains and let
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some light in here</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: he usually knows stuff about weird things</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so whats wrong with her again</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: some sort of demonic nap</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: ok i wouldnt say shes NAPPING per se</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: shes just like</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: floatin here... upright</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: eyes wide open</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: and theyre both pitch black</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh so she saw one of my latest sbahj campaign
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ads</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: lol</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: no dude</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: like what im sayin is</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: she looks a lil possessed</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: by uh</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: grim spirits n shit</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: is she fucking grimbark again</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: no!</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: this isnt grimbark</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i KNOW what grimbark is dave this aint it</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: it seems more serious tbh??</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: like existing in some transformative state
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that isnt a literal fuckin joke</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ok yeah this does sound pretty bad</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but its not really my field</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: did you try calling rose</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea that was totes my original plan</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: like no offense ur not #1 on my speed dial
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when it comes to this kinda thing</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: but rose isnt picking up</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: probly on account of ailments to be fair</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i called an unruly number of times</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: and kan wasnt picking up either so...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: huh</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: spooky</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: hella spooky</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: somethin about all this seems wrong</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah i guess</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: what do you think is up</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: idk</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i feel like theres something movin just out
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the corner of my vision but every time i turn to look at it</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: its gone</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: its givin me chills rn like im being
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watched</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: well im no fucking ace detective</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: or some gumshoe flatfoot dicking up the place
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suckin hard on my sherlock pipe like some sleuth of the fucking
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year</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: dave</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but maybe we should consider the possibility
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that you are literally being watched</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: ..............</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway can we hold that wise and rad thought
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i just had</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i gotta give karkat some emotional
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support</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: since gettin jake on our side was a pretty
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huge fucking bonanza for us</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: which has almost equal probability of winning
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us the election as it does blowing up in our faces depending on
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this speech he gives</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so we gotta like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: concentrate here?????</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: instead of jerking each other off all god
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damned day for the rest of our lives</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: (im just joking we dont actually do that)</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">roxy clutches a hand around
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their knee, nails digging into their pants. they feel uneasy about
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jake’s sudden lack of neutrality in this political matter. they
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have never been certain that it is appropriate for any of them to
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be involved with the structures of power and governance in a world
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they created, and in which they have been regarded as gods since
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they first appeared.</p>
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<p class="no-indent dirk" style="margin:15px 0"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Really? That’s what she thinks? Huh. Couldn’t for the life of me read what was going on inside her head. But this is very interesting, actually.</span></p>
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">their thoughts are of no concern
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to you. also, the pronoun they use is “they.” try to respect
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it.</p>
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<p class="no-indent dirk" style="margin:15px 0"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">How can I respect a fucking pronoun when nobody can even hear me? How about we call a truce and end this petty feud. This is your one and only chance to accept.</span></p>
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">no.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: jakes on ur side then?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: wasnt that hard to convince him after your
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girl j crock started slut shaming him on public access</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: god dammit jane</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so i take it jade didnt convert you to our
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cause before going into her gothic trance fugue or whatever</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: siiigh</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i just want this whole stupid political thing
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over n done with tbh</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i hate watchin u guys tear each other apart
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in the news</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah sorry about that</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: sorry its making you feel bad i mean</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: not sorry that were doin it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: itd be an unconscionably lame move to put
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something on a billboard that i didnt 100% stand by</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but that sounds suspiciously like something
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jane would do</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: aka the bad guy in this situation</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like objectively speaking</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: ugh pls dont start</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: just sayin</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: idgAF!!!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: also</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: aside from how vehemently i disagree with
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every detail in janes shitty platform</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i also think</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: karkats the right guy for the job</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: full stop</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">despite their mixed feelings on
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the election, and the troubling sight of jade’s wide, black eyes
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glaring intensely at nothing at all, roxy smiles at what they hear
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from dave. the way he talks about karkat reminds roxy of the way
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calliope looks when they call them beautiful.</p>
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<span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Oh, so she really does think Calliope is beautiful? Like, she wasn’t just saying that to be nice? Fascinating.</span>
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">yes, is the resounding answer.
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calliope <em>is</em> beautiful, roxy thinks. and furthermore, they
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think they should be reminded of this fact every day.</p>
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<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Lol.</span></p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: you rly believe in him dont u</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: of course i do</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: because i...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Love him? Come on, man. Just say
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it.</span></p>
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">roxy listens for a moment after
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he trails off. they do not speculate or comment on his feelings
|
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toward karkat, because it is none of their business.</p>
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<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Pussies. I’m surrounded by fucking
|
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pussies.</span></p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: hey before you jet can i ask you another
|
||
question</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: theres somethin else ive been meanin to ask u
|
||
about for a while</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: uh alright shoot</p>
|
||
</div>
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<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">they take a deep breath.</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea soooo</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dave how did you come out</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ...</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: like as not being straight</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: howd you couch that to ppl w/o them freakin
|
||
out or being awkward around u</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: do u think its ever too late to</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: idk</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: change ur mind?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: about the person you wanna be??</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: like is there a some point of no return you
|
||
can cross where everyone is waitin for u to have a big ass
|
||
revelation about your internal character</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but its like “dude no u already used up all
|
||
ur gay capital when u started datefriend cohabitating w a cute as
|
||
hell skeleton alien”</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and anything after that ur just gettin
|
||
greedy</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: is greedy even the right word</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: greedy for droppin bombshells</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: bout gender identities and sexual
|
||
preferences</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: or ids n preffies as i like to call em ;)</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ids n preffies</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: damn</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats fucking good</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave thinks on the question.
|
||
it’s one he’d considered years ago, and many times since. how long
|
||
can one stall on a confession before it feels like it’s too late?
|
||
the last seven years have passed by in fits and starts, in this
|
||
regard. he thought he had it all figured out when he was sixteen.
|
||
and then again when he was eighteen. and then at twenty. and
|
||
now...</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk" style="margin:15px 0"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">That’s because he needs me. He’s suffering without my guidance. If only you’d stop being so cruel and let me help.</span></p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway uh</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats a pretty deep question considering all
|
||
the shit we have going on right now</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yeah ur right</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: now is probs not the best time for a feels
|
||
jam</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: especially with the creepy jade situation
|
||
happening on my couch here</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno if id worry too much about that</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: jade goes into trances literally all the
|
||
time</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: she fucking loves sleeping</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: youd think someone who spent so much of her
|
||
life locked in a state of dubiously consensual slumber would wanna
|
||
get as few zees as possible in her adult life but not jade</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ive never known anyone who hits the snooze
|
||
button more times in a row than her</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: if youre that worried take her to a
|
||
hospital</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: im thinkin about it!!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: not even sure if i wanna like</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: mess with her tho?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: how would i even take her there...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok well while you ponder whether you wanna
|
||
dump jade in a wheelbarrow and trundle her groggy spooked-up ass to
|
||
the hospital</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: in the meantime ill rap at you about my
|
||
epiphany concerning the desire to bone some dudes</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: probably not a literal rap though</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wow im disappointed</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean i could TOTALLY rap about wanting to
|
||
bone dudes if i wanted?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: im just on the fuckin clock here and theres
|
||
lots of people lookin at me</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: :(</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave, suddenly self-conscious,
|
||
slips around the corner of the stadium, so he can non-literally rap
|
||
at roxy about delicate human lgbt issues. he also maneuvers away
|
||
from the impatient, strained looks karkat has been shooting him
|
||
repeatedly during his phone call. luckily, jake has begun a
|
||
performance of his signature booty-bumping charleston for the
|
||
crowd’s entertainment, so they will be satiated for another few
|
||
minutes.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok so</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what ive learned is</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: coming to terms with all this bullshit is a
|
||
thing you sort of do in stages</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like stage one is you making jokes about how
|
||
sweaty dudes standing close together in tv shows seems really
|
||
gay</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: stage two is making jokes about that and not
|
||
immediately adding no homo afterward</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: stage three is flirting with all your male
|
||
friends ironically and not even thinking about adding no homo
|
||
afterward because youre so fuckin woke and secure in your ironclad
|
||
straight masculinity that you dont have anything to prove to
|
||
anybody anymore</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: or thats just what you say out loud</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: inside you start being like</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh shit</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: maybe yes homo</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: stage four is freaking out about that and
|
||
putting the no homo back on all your statements even objectively
|
||
heterosexual ones which just stupidly makes everything you say
|
||
sound extra gay</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: stage five is</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: actually wait the next few stages are various
|
||
permutations of the same thing that i already described</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: it starts being like a gay fractal</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway eventually you arrive at like stage
|
||
nine</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: which is reminding everyone who will listen
|
||
that youre gay minimum six times a day</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: in really lame ways like</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh cool dude are you making hot pockets</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: better make mine a gay hot pocket</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: cause im a gay homosexual who only consumes
|
||
homo ass snacks delivered right to my mouth by a big queer
|
||
butler</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: servin it right up on his huge gay dick</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but that all only applies to the extent which
|
||
i am technically gay</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: which in my case is only about maybe 30% to
|
||
70%</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so only cook 30% to 70% of my gay hot
|
||
pocket</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: cause you know straights are fucking animals
|
||
who never defrost their pepperoni</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: and i gotta rep for that like 50%
|
||
straightness still lurking inside me like the idiot who fell asleep
|
||
in the shopping mall when it was closing for the night</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so now theres just this straight dude locked
|
||
in a dark fucking mall for some stupid reason haunting the place
|
||
like a cryptid and rummaging through the trash in the food
|
||
court</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: also just in case janes opposition research
|
||
is listening in on their illegal wiretap i know the word bisexual
|
||
exists btw im just choosing not to use it in service of spitting
|
||
some fuckin chuckle jokes here so lets all calm down and not let
|
||
this one become a distressingly literal federal issue</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway when all is said and done</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: you eat a half cooked hot pocket because all
|
||
your roommates think the height of humor is taking what was
|
||
obviously an improvisational riff at unironic face value to punk
|
||
you</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dave...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: nm</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i was gonna ask you why ur like this</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: then i remembered about how ur half me and
|
||
half dirk</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah it really is crazy how those dope late
|
||
game familial reveals actually did explain everything</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: so whats stage ten</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: stage ten is uhhhhhhhh</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave peeks around the corner so
|
||
he can gaze fondly at karkat. he thinks about stage ten. he
|
||
considers that in many ways, it’s as difficult as stage one. and
|
||
yet there is something fragile and lovely about it as well. this is
|
||
how he feels as he reflects upon the peculiar state of limbo he is
|
||
in with the person he likes most in the world. he believes he could
|
||
spend forever with him, in any configuration, any type of
|
||
relationship, under any conditions of confusion or clarity.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk" style="margin:15px 0"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">What would the point of that be? Endless floundering incel limbo? Christ. I’d put them both out of their misery before I let that happen. I need to get back in action. This is a fucking crisis. Do you have any idea what sort of atrocity you’re enabling by allowing this to continue? I’ve been called many things. But even my harshest critics would never accuse me of such cruelty.</span></p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">for roxy, it is more
|
||
complicated. the conversation has unearthed more questions than
|
||
answers. they run a hand through their hair. it’s cut short, but
|
||
with great care to convey gender neutrality. they wonder what
|
||
gender neutrality even is when applied to a haircut. an excellent
|
||
question, particularly for those of us unfamiliar with hair
|
||
altogether. what about length and functionality implies gender or
|
||
sex on a world where such oppositional hierarchies don’t exist, and
|
||
presentation is culturally vestigial?</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk" style="margin:15px 0"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Dear God. Can we not do this? I can’t sit through any more gender chat. It feels inappropriate. Horrendously invasive of Roxy’s deepest personal thoughts. Can we just leave her inner monologue the fuck alone when it comes to this stuff? Is NOTHING sacred? I’m about to fucking flip. You can’t keep me down forever. I’ve got a trick up my sleeve, you’ll see.</span></p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">the prince’s tricks mean
|
||
nothing, and his barely detectable crumbs of impotent discourse
|
||
shall continue utterly unheeded.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">roxy wonders if this is truly their end
|
||
point. a haircut that implies nothing at all. an empty statement
|
||
about a facet of their identity that they barely understand at all.
|
||
perhaps in time, they will want to go even further than this?
|
||
perhaps it is just a stepping-stone to a more potent understanding
|
||
of their gradual gender transformation. how would calliope feel
|
||
about that? what is it that calliope themself understands or cares
|
||
about gender?</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The Prince opens his fucking mouth, and just
|
||
literally starts SAYING SHIT, out loud, because he doesn’t think he
|
||
can take another fucking second listening to a pompous alien virgin
|
||
monologuing about gender.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">it seems the prince finds the
|
||
rules confining his influence to be a bit unfair, and has resorted
|
||
to throwing one of his more petulant “human tanties” in order to
|
||
compensate for his feelings of disempowerment. while the strategy
|
||
he is resorting to has moderate value as an amusement and a
|
||
nuisance, it will ultimately be of no consequence whatsoever.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: No consequence, my ass. You may be able to
|
||
suppress what I do with my mind, but you have no control over my
|
||
mouth. I’m nobody’s fucking puppet.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: And you don’t even know my friends. They’re
|
||
not yours to toy with.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: They’re mine.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">whatever you say.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Do you even know where I am right now?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Do you have the <em>slightest</em> idea what
|
||
I’m up to?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">the prince is laboring under the
|
||
delusion that he has been the least bit subtle in his intentions.
|
||
he currently stands beneath the carapacian bell tower, poised to
|
||
climb to the top. he holds the long, red sniper rifle that once
|
||
belonged to roxy, brandishing it openly and boldly. he seems
|
||
mysteriously oblivious to the fact that holding a long rifle in
|
||
broad daylight somewhat tips one to the fact that he soon intends
|
||
to shoot someone from a great distance. he also seems unaware of
|
||
the fact that i know perfectly well that the top of this tower has
|
||
a clear, long-range view of the stadium, allowing any competent
|
||
sniper a clear shot of whoever happens to be standing at the podium
|
||
as they give a speech. as jake english is about to do.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">he also doesn’t seem to realize i have
|
||
anticipated his attempt to assassinate his own friend in order to
|
||
advance his political goals, and that i am prepared to take
|
||
measures which make this impossible.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Yeah, well. Try and stop me then.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I fucking dare you.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Here I go. I’m walking up the tower stairs
|
||
now.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Walk, walk, walk. Ah, the exercise feels
|
||
good.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">the prince’s shoes suddenly feel
|
||
quite heavy. his calf and thigh muscles, impressively powerful
|
||
though they are, increasingly struggle to lift his feet with each
|
||
step. this is going to be quite the onerous climb. he’s not sure if
|
||
he can make it all the way before the end of the speech. thoughts
|
||
flash through his mind, thoughts of giving up and retiring to his
|
||
sad little robotics lab so he can continue with his true passion:
|
||
the ongoing corruption of his cerebrally impaired daughter.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Argh. Wow, yeah.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You’re right. My feet are definitely getting
|
||
heavy.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: But the Dead Cherub tragically underestimates
|
||
the Prince’s determination. He powers the fuck through it. See?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Stomp, stomp, stomp. Up the stairs he goes.
|
||
No fucking sweat.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Oh also, did he mention? He can fucking fly,
|
||
so there’s that.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He decides to take flight and cut to the
|
||
chase. He whips up the hollow vertical shaft at the center of the
|
||
spiraling tower stairs. Life in the fast lane kicks ass, it turns
|
||
out.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He can practically taste the top of the
|
||
tower.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">but suddenly, the bell at the
|
||
top, notorious among locals for its state of disrepair, becomes
|
||
dislodged from its fixture with a loud crack. the huge, multiton
|
||
bell plummets, crushing the surrounding staircases in its wake as
|
||
it careens toward a young man consumed by hubris.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The Prince busts out his sword and makes
|
||
short work of that big old bell.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The slicing is accompanied by the
|
||
ear-shattering melodic sounds of metal being cleaved apart by an
|
||
anime sword, as the Prince nimbly avoids the sharp pieces and
|
||
ricocheting stair debris.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He wonders out loud, “what is this, amateur
|
||
hour”?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The Dead Cherub then humorlessly narrates,
|
||
“why, yes. yes mr. strider, it IS amateur hour. and i’m the amateur
|
||
here, for throwing a huge bell at you. i would like to humbly
|
||
apologize for my amateurism.”</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">no i don’t.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Sure you do.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">this foolishness is interrupted
|
||
as we resume listening to a conversation which we are all
|
||
considerably more invested in than catering to the inconsequential
|
||
flailing of a grown man who fancies himself an earth ninja.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: well lets just say internalized whatevers are
|
||
kind of like an onion</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: theres lots of layers</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: they suck on pizza</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: and trolls have to get their stomach pumped
|
||
if they eat them</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: this goes for gender stuff too btw</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: which i kinda get the feeling is what you
|
||
were actually asking about</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wow am i rly that transparent?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: nah but as previously discussed youre a lot
|
||
like me</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so it was pretty easy to figure out what you
|
||
were getting at</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i dont got ur poker face tho</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but im workin on that!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: maybe ill get a sick pair of shades too</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh DOPE</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah thats dope i support that idea</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave’s endorsement of roxy’s
|
||
fashion proposal is cut short by his concern regarding another key
|
||
endorsement he’s involved with. he turns his head to see jake
|
||
nearing the podium as karkat manically taps his wrist in dave’s
|
||
direction. something is off here. a dark feeling brewing in his
|
||
intuition, which he decides to monitor as he wraps up his call with
|
||
roxy.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I’m on top of the tower now. I’ve got my long
|
||
sniper rifle ready and everything.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I check to see if it’s loaded. It is. I get
|
||
in the PERFECT spot for taking aim at this hunky imbecile who’s
|
||
about to give a speech.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway i dont think any of our friends are
|
||
gonna hold your feet to the flames over dumb shit like this</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: and its not like anyone else is gonna care
|
||
since we definitely forgot to program hating gays and women into
|
||
earth c</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: humans are all jacked up on hating xenophiles
|
||
now</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: which sucks a lot too dont get me wrong</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: btw did you know janes a xenophobe</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dave!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok ok</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so does all this mean i gotta call you dad
|
||
now or what</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wat</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean thats what were talkin about right</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: well first of all</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: do u still even make a habit of callin me
|
||
mom??</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i thought u kinda stopped that</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: even if it was effin cute</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh yeah i guess i did</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but i could start again</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but not if it means id have to go to fucking
|
||
gender jail or something</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like what i mean is i could start that cute
|
||
shit again but switch to dad</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ok but SECOND of all</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i would never want to deprive dirk of that
|
||
noble honorific</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ugh no way</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hahaha yeah way hes ya daddy dude!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: aw fuck noooo</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: wow man</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i would never call him that</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean i know its true but i just
|
||
wouldnt...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: wait</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: what</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: something feels</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: wrong</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ???</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like some shits about to go down</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: and i gotta...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave’s unsettled feeling is
|
||
correct. he senses jake is in danger. no, he knows it. there is
|
||
about to be an assassination attempt. karkat must be protected. and
|
||
jake, the intended target, must be obscured from a sniper’s
|
||
path.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: karkat! dude!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: GET DOWN!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT?????</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">there is no time. dave takes
|
||
flight. he swoops karkat off the stage and around the corner, out
|
||
of view. he urges him to stay down and stay put. dave flashes back
|
||
to the podium and steps in front of jake, who appears nonplussed.
|
||
dave puts his hand back, keeping jake corralled behind him, and
|
||
scans the crowd for threats. but the threat, unbeknownst to him, is
|
||
much farther away.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">and despite dave’s quick and
|
||
well-justified action, what is also unbeknownst to him is that the
|
||
sniper no longer poses a threat of pulling that trigger. because
|
||
everyone knows that for all of the prince’s shortcomings, he would
|
||
never expose his beloved brother and son to the risk of a heroic
|
||
death.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You’re absolutely right.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I would never do that.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I’d never kill Dave, no matter what I felt
|
||
the stakes were. I’d never hurt him either.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You do understand me pretty well, I’ll give
|
||
you that. And you’re right about many things.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: But there are just a couple things you’re
|
||
wrong about.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Pretty important things, actually.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">and what would those things
|
||
be?</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: First of all, this gun is loaded.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: But not with bullets.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">the prince reveals this
|
||
relatively uninteresting piece of information as he looks through
|
||
the scope. the crosshairs overlap dave’s chest, completely
|
||
obscuring the view of jake. we suppose that the prince means the
|
||
weapon is loaded with tranquilizer darts. it would after all be a
|
||
fitting callback to the manner in which he subdued jake at an
|
||
earlier moment. a fair enough way to bypass the immortality of his
|
||
target, rendering jake inactive long enough to serve his purpose.
|
||
his finger hovers over the trigger as he considers whether he can
|
||
pull off two tranquilizing shots at dave and then jake in quick
|
||
succession, before he is stopped. it certainly would be a risk to
|
||
even try. but as the humans say: no guts, no glory.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Yes. You’re right about the tranquilizer.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: But there’s one more fact you’re not aware
|
||
of.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Which is that I never intended to aim for
|
||
Jake at all.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hellooooooo</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dave??</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: whered ya go</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">roxy yells into the phone, but
|
||
dave continues guarding jake, pausing for a moment their critical
|
||
discussion of human gender. meanwhile, the prince lowers the rifle,
|
||
and strongly reconsiders the foolishness he has initiated here.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: No, that’s not what he does.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He swings the rifle around one hundred eighty
|
||
degrees, and points the scope toward the large, now-curtainless
|
||
window of a distant apartment.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He zooms in quickly, cutting even shorter the
|
||
little time that the Dead Cherub could use to impede him in some
|
||
way.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He takes aim, lets his finger hover over the
|
||
trigger, and...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">his finger tenses up, quite
|
||
painfully. perhaps it’s a cramp? whatever the malady, it isn’t
|
||
budging.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Ow!</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Yeah, you got me. Can’t move it an inch.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The only problem is, he doesn’t need to pull
|
||
that trigger.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Earlier, when he was messing around with all
|
||
this shit in plain view, he rigged the rifle to be
|
||
voice-operated.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: All he needs to do is say...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">he doesn’t say it.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Oh, but he DOES.</span></p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: FIRE.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">...</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I see. So you’re not going to say what
|
||
happens next?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Is that really how it’s gonna be?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: So be it.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The tranquilizer dart hits the glass of
|
||
Roxy’s apartment window before the sound from the rifle’s shot even
|
||
reaches them.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: She hears the glass break. Seconds later, she
|
||
hears the bang. She drops her phone on the floor.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: She doesn’t have the slightest idea what just
|
||
happened until she looks over at Jade and notices the dart stuck in
|
||
her neck, right in the jugular vein.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: She watches as Jade’s huge, creepy black eyes
|
||
start getting heavy. Her eyelids sag, and her head tilts to the
|
||
side.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: She shuts her eyes completely. Her hair stops
|
||
floating around her ominously. In fact, there’s nothing ominous
|
||
about her at all anymore. She entirely resumes her status as the
|
||
cute doggy girl we all know and love.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: She slumps over and collapses onto the couch.
|
||
She begins snoring loudly while making a little canine whimper on
|
||
each exhale.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Like the bitch she is.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead"><span class="type-sm type-hs-small">it seems uncalled-for to insult her after this little stunt you just pulled. what did she do that was wrong?</span></p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Oh, what’s that? You’re getting a little
|
||
quiet for some reason.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You’re going to have to speak up.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead"><span class="type-hs-small type-bs">this is not the last you’ll be hearing from me, prince.</span></p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Aaand, nope.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You’re getting quieter, not louder. You’re
|
||
gonna need to work on that.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Maybe try shouting it?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">soon, i will be coming for
|
||
you.</span></p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Yeah, I didn’t catch that at all.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Not even one syllable.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Guess that’s it for you? Back to not
|
||
mattering.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Not that you ever did.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Come to think of it, why am I still talking
|
||
out loud?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">That’s more like it.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">Roxy drops to her knees by the couch, pulls the
|
||
dart out of Jade’s neck, and tries to shake her awake. But it’s no
|
||
use. That’s a heavy dose I gave her. Could be out for weeks. Maybe
|
||
months? Can’t have any cherubs messing with my business on this
|
||
planet. At least not until I’ve taken my leave. But Jade’s gonna be
|
||
fine. Don’t worry about that.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">That was interesting though. Cherubs are fuckin’
|
||
weird, I’ll totally concede. Still not sure what makes them tick.
|
||
What they idealize, what they really want. It all comes across to
|
||
me as a little cloying. Perfection to them is a sweetness beyond
|
||
comprehension. Sugar so potent it’s poison to us. To our bodies, to
|
||
our souls. Like the place she was operating from was a realm of
|
||
self-construction. A bubble of pure, phantasmal confection.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">Well, I for one have had enough of that goddamn
|
||
toothache. I’m back in the protein saddle, motherfuckers. I’m
|
||
clacking my tongs, and the charcoal is hot.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">Now who’s hungry for <em>meat?</em></p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |