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306 lines
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 2</title>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 2</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<p class="no-indent"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">J</span>ohn zaps
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back to the quietest point in the fridge’s impressively storied
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timeline that he can pinpoint, which is on The Land of Tombs and
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Krypton, T-minus about half an hour before his final battle against
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every dude they all had to fight to get the hell out of Dodge. As
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the name of the land would imply, the planet’s surface is covered
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in tombs, each an ancient skyscraper piercing the brilliant,
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gaseous thunderclouds above. But there’s only one tomb he’s come
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for. A simple, household refrigerator, just like the one he grew up
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with.</p>
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<p>He pops into canon at one end of a rooftop, up so high that the
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chemical storm coursing through the atmosphere sets his hair on
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edge. At the other end of the roof are Dirk and Dave, doing
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something he never thought he’d see: they’re... <em>hugging</em>.
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Not just regular, noncommittal hugging. They are emphatically
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hugging the <em>shit</em> out of each other. Dave’s face is buried
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in Dirk’s side, and Dirk’s got both arms around him in a way that
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looks like he’s never actually hugged another human being
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before.</p>
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<p>Sensing that this is probably something he shouldn’t be seeing,
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he tiptoes towards Gamzee’s would-be sarcophagus as carefully and
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quietly as he can, and places his hands just above the thick
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aluminum hull. The moment John’s palms hit the fridge, Dirk turns
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to look at him. His head only moves an inch. Slowly, he lowers one
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eyebrow and returns to his poignant and deeply personal business
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with Dave, as if he hasn’t observed anything worth acknowledging at
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all.</p>
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<p>Which, John supposes, is for the best? He isn’t trying to mess
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up the timeline any more than he needs to. He’s only here to steal
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a refrigerator that has recently been used to entomb a clown. He
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has enough on his plate with this idiotic heist as it is.</p>
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<p>Anyway, he decides to mind his own damn business and get this
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fridge back to Earth C. He zaps himself and the fridge back to the
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same picnic grounds he departed from, while cleverly leaving the
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chains wrapping the fridge behind on LOTAK.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="john">JOHN: so uh...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i’m back.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: everyone get ready for THIS fucking guy, i
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guess...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">With the same delicacy that he’d use to touch
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a toilet bowl in a public bathroom, he grabs the handle of the
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fridge and pulls.</p>
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<p>Gamzee pops out immediately, sweating, gasping for breath, and
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smelling like socks that have been worn continuously for two weeks
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straight. John rears back and pinches his nose shut. Calliope
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shoots John a sharp look, like a stern teacher would.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: HOOOOOOOOOOOONK.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: cough COUGH cough CHOKE honk CHOKE!</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: wheeeeeeeeeze HONK cough HONK choke
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WHEEEEEZE.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: ah, poor thing.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: it’s alright now. yoU’re alright.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: take a moment to catch yoUr breath,
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mr. clown. yoU’ll be jUst fine.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: cough HACK cough HONK hack CHOKE wheeze
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HONK honk HONK.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: honk HONK honk GASP wheeze GASP...</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE:
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wheeeeEeeeeEeeeEeeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeZe!</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: hOoOoOoOoOoOnK cHoKe ChOkE hAcK hOnK
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cOuGh.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: CoUgH cOuGh HoNk HoNk SoB sOb SoB
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sOb...</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: SoB sOb BoO hOo HoO hOo
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HoOoOoOoOoNk...</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: BoO hOo HoNk HoO hOnK hOnK
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wAaAaAaAaAaAh!</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh dear.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: what is it, sir?</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: tell Us what pains yoU. let it all
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oUt, friend.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: we are here for yoU. u_u</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i BeEn A bItCh AsS nAuGhTy MoThErFuCkEr.
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:o(</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Calliope nods knowingly, and pats him on the
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back.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i Up AnD dOnE sOmE mOtHeRfUcKeRs RaW.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: ThOsE mOtHeRfUcKeRs MoSt Of AlL wHo I
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cAlLeD aS mY fRiEnDs.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i PuT tHe StRaIgHt Up FuCkIn HaRsHnEsS aT
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tHeM aNd It WaSnT mOtHeR fUcKiN nIcE oF mE.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: nOt OnE BiT. :o(</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: aNd NoW i’M aLl At An EmOtIoNaL pLaCe
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FrOm SwEaTiNg My HaRd TiMe In ThE hUnGeR tRuNk.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: A fAtE tO wHiCh I sUrEly GoT mY dEsErVe
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On FoR.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: aNd It GaVe Me AlL tImE tO rEtHiNk My LoT
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aNd GeT cOnSiDeRiNg To WhAt A rIpE pIlE oF tHe NaStIeSt GaRbAgE i
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BeEn My WhOlE mOtHeRfUcKiN lIfE.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: aNd I gOt My EpIpHaNy GoInG iN tHeRe.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: lIkE aLl MoThErFuCkIn BaThEd In ThE
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rIgHtEoUs EpIpHaNiEs Yo.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: PrEtTy MuCh BaLlS oUt *ImMeRsEd* In ThE
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eMoTiOn BrEaKtHrOuGhS mY gOoD nInJaS.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: aNd I cAmE tO gEtTiN sOmE oF mY
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rEaLiZaTiOnS dOwN rIgHt FuCkInG lOcKeD.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: lOcKeD tIgHtEr ThAn I wAs LiKe A bItCh In
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ThAt FrIdGe.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: AnD tHoSe ReAlIzAtIoNs BeInG sOmEtHiN aLl
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MoThEr FuCkIn ThUsLy Of SoRtS:</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i’M a BaD, bAd MaN.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: aNd I’m HeRe To FuCkIn *ReDeEm* My
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MoThErFuCkIn SeLf.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: HoOoOoOoOoNk.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Calliope, eyes closed, continues with her
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sympathetic gestures. She pats him on the back, nods very slowly,
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issues an “mm-hm” now and then. Only while he is distracted by his
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own sobs does she steal a glance at her phone, tipping the fact
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that she too wouldn’t mind if this redemptive soliloquy could hurry
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itself along.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: ThEsE rEdEmPtiVe FuCkIn EuReKa
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ThUnDeRcLaPs AlL bAnGiNg At My ThInK pAn...</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: GeTtInG mE tO gO aLl LiKe, BoO hOo, I’m
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BaD, i’M bAd!</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: WhAt I’m SaYiNg AbOuT iS tHe RaW sHiT i
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DiD gOt SoMe ExPlAnAtIoNs To MaKe YoU sEe ThE tRuTh.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: ThE tRuTh ThAt My GnArLiNeSs HaD a
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MoThErFuCkIn TeNtFuL oF *rOoT cAuSeS* yA gOtTa InDuLgE mE aT.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: lIsTeN uP bOyS aNd HoEs, CaUsE hErE cOmEs
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A bUnCh Of NoIsE tHaT’s MoRaLlY fUcKiN mItIgAtInG aS sHiT.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: hOoOoOoNk.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: (oh jesus.)</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: (shh!)</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: I bEeN aLl LiKe. AbUsEd AnD sTuFf,
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HoMiEs.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: As A cHiLd, I gOt MoThErFuCkIn NeGlEcTeD
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oN bY a StErN oLd FaThErLy GoAt.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: I wAs A dIsApPoInTmEnT oN hIm, AnD cAn’T
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sAyS i BlAmE hIm FoR aBaNdOnInG tHe ShIt OuT oF hIs UsElEsS
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kId.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: I wOuLdA mOtHeRfUcKiN dOnE tHe SaMe ShIt
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At Me If I wAs A bIg CrUeL gOaT.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: sO ThAt ExPlAiNs LiKe, PrEtTy SuRe MoSt
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Of My CrImEs In A wAy ThAt MaKeS a MoThErFuCkEr WaNnA tAkE hIs
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FoRgIvEnEsS oUt FoR a FuCkInG sPiN.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: tHeRe’S oThEr ReAsOnS tO cOnSiDeR,
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LiKe...</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: ShIt ThAt MaKeS tHiS rEdEmPtIoN aRc
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FuCkIn TiGhT lIkE aN uNcRaCkEd ElIxIr.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: LiKe, HoWs My PuRpLe BlOoD mEaNt I gOt
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ThE cUlTuRe PrEsSuReS pUt On Me To Be A SaLtY dAmN jEsTeR fOr
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LiFe.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: WhAt aBoUt ThAt HaNd ThE mEsSiAhS dEaLt
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Me, My BiTcHeS.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: a MoThErFuCkEr’S gOnNa EnVy ThAt LiKe A
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wIcKeD cOd RaSh.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: So HoW cAn I fUlL aNd TrUlY fUcKiN gEt
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BlAmEd On FoR, wHeN iT cOmEs To A lITtLe BiT oF sUbJuGgLaTiOn I gOt
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CuLtUrAlLy HoRnSwOgGlEd Up To DoInG, aNd AlSo TrAgIcAlLy GoAt
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AbUsEd WhIcH nEeDs To MaKe YoU sHeD a TeAr FoR tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR,
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lEsT yOu WaNnA bE aS aTrOcIoUs As Me.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: AnD sUcH iS wHy I’m GrAbBiNg HoLd Of My
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RePeNtAnCe As FiRm AnD sErIoUs As I wOuLd A wHoRe’S tItTy!</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: My ReDeMpTiOn ArC iS tRuLy ThE dAnKnEsS.
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i MeAn It HaRd, AnD i’M gOiNg SiNcErE aT iT lIkE oNe SaD aNd SoRrY
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bAdBoY mOtHeRfUcKeR.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: fRoM tHiS dAy FrOnTwArD, i PlAn To GeT mY
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pLeDgE oN tO bE a ChAnGeD cLoWn.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: TrUlY a NeW aSs MoThErFuCkEr, ThAnKs To
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My NeW fRiEnDs. :o)</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: bravo!!! ^u^</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: fuck yea</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">While John’s two friends are busy hugging it
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out with arguably the worst person he has ever met in his life, he
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tiptoes a few yards away from the group and slips his phone out of
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his pocket. There’s only one person in the universe who can truly
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||
understand what John’s going through right now.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="john">JOHN: hey terezi, you around?</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU W4NT</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: you wouldn’t believe what’s happening just
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behind me right now.</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 PROB4BLY WOULD</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: no you won’t.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: check it out...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John discreetly holds his phone over his
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shoulder and takes a snapchat of Gamzee sobbing in Calliope’s arms.
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Roxy is beside them, nodding along solemnly.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: HOLY SH1T</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i know, right?</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: H3S CRY1NG L1K3 4 L1TTL3 WR1GGL3R</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: GO OV3R 4ND G1V3 H1M 4 K1CK 1N TH3
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||
CODP13C3 FOR M3</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: i can’t.</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: JOHN, 1M 4SK1NG YOU TO DO 4 S1MPL3 F4VOR
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||
FOR 4N OLD 4ND D34R FR13ND</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: DO NOT B3 D1FF1CULT</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: um, i don’t think that would go over
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well.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: everybody’s taking this all weirdly
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seriously.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: apparently we’re going to let him have a
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“redemption arc”?</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: yeah, it’s...</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: well, what is there to even say?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: it’s literally the dumbest fucking idea i’ve
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||
ever heard, but what can you do.</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: SHOV3 H1M B4CK 1N TH4T FR1DG3 4ND THROW
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||
1T 1N TH3 OC34N, 1S WH4T</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: pretty much.</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WHY 4R3 YOU 1D1OTS 3V3N BOTH3R1NG W1TH
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||
TH1S FOOL 4G41N</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: don’t ask me. this is a calliope thing.</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: OH GOD</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: i guess she roped roxy into it... so now i’m
|
||
just going along with it too.</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: i don’t even care actually. i mean, he smells
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||
awful, but...</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: >XO</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: guess that’s just what’s happening now.</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: the asshole clown is back. life goes on.</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1T D1DNT N33D TO THOUGH</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: NOT FOR H1M, 4T L34ST</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: speaking of life...</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: how’s it going out there.</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: OH</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: F1N3</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: PR3TTY BOR1NG, FLY1NG 4ROUND 4ND
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STUFF</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: YOU KNOW HOW 1T 1S</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: TH3 S34RCH CONT1NU3S</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: any sign of her yet?</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: ...</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: you’ve been gone, like...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: a really long time, you know.</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1M SUR3 YOU S33 1T TH4T W4Y</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: FROM MY PO1NT OF V13W, 1TS 4 L1TTL3
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||
D1FF3R3NT</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 4NYW4Y, NO TURN1NG B4CK NOW</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: yeah, i know.</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: everybody misses you though.
|
||
</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: probably even... *shudder*</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: gamzee.</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: UGH!!!</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: W3LL, TH4T S3TTL3S 1T</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 MUST N3V3R R3TURN. SORRY 3GB3RT
|
||
>:[</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: haha, i never should have told you about his
|
||
shitty redemption arc.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i blew it!</p>
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||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: YUP >:]</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 4NYW4Y, GOTT4 GO</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: N3XT T1M3 W3 SP34K, YOU OW3 M3 4 R3PORT
|
||
OF 3X4CTLY ON3 PUNCH 1N TH3 CLOWN D1CK</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: BY3 DORK</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Smiling, he pockets his phone and heads back
|
||
to the Gamzee pity party. Gamzee’s sobbing so performatively that
|
||
many carapacian civilians have stopped to watch. By the looks on
|
||
their faces, not a single one of them has ever been exposed to such
|
||
clown grief. Pulled away from Calliope’s embrace, he’s now
|
||
addressing the gathering crowd about the importance of genuine
|
||
repentance.</p>
|
||
<p>Calliope comes to stand with John, her hands folded behind her
|
||
back and her expression peaceful.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: thank yoU for this, john.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: um...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: you’re welcome?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Something feels different, but he can’t put
|
||
his finger on it.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |