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588 lines
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 21</title>
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<div id='s21'></div>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 21</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<p class="no-indent"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">I</span>t’s
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raining again, coming down in a frigid torrent. John is a
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pallbearer this time around. Teen-Jade is so light, he and Jake
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alone carry the coffin with ease. Together, they trudge through the
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ankle-deep puddles while their friends line up on either side of
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the stone steps that lead into the cathedral.</p>
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<p>It’s just them this time—Earth C’s very own dysfunctional
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collection of Old Gods. John can’t say he misses the clangor of a
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shameless press hounding them from the edges of what is supposed to
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be a somber ceremony. But the smallness of the congregation under
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the tall, gothic ceilings makes Roxy’s attitude at the pulpit all
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the more absurd. She leads John and Jake into the building and down
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the center of the nave, humming happily to herself the entire time.
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An equally effusive Calliope trails behind her, carrying a bouquet
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of purple flowers. Despite Roxy’s insistence that this sad event
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could only bring them all closer together, the group is sitting in
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chilly segments on either side of aisle, pointedly not interacting.
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Karkat is sitting all on his own about six pews behind Jade and
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Dave. Gamzee is hanging out by the door, having been banished there
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by Jane like a wet dog. No one in the cathedral can blame her,
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because he certainly smells like one.</p>
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<p>Roxy, bathed in pink and gold light from the stained glass
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behind her, spreads her arms and begins to speechify. She
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practically has to shout to be heard over the roar of the rainstorm
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outside.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: thx everyone for joining us today</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: we are gathered here to honor the memory of
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alternate universe jade</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: alas we hardly knew her</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: by which i mean we didnt know her at all</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: cuz she fell out of the sky like a week ago
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and was already dead</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: but i think that based on our long
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acquaintanceship with alive jade we can safely assume that she was
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totally rad</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: (ugh)</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: so were all here to contemplate the vast
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cruelness of the universe that such radness was plucked in its
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prime</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: psst callie the roses</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh, of coUrse!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Calliope begins plucking the petals off her
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bouquet and tossing them in a fluttery, uneven arc over Roxy’s
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impressively coiffed hair.</p>
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<p>John facepalms audibly in the crowd. He’d spent the entire
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morning giving one more go at talking Roxy out of the entire
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affair, but she was stubbornly dedicated to her artistic vision.
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You gave it the old college try chap, Jake said to him earlier as
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he waxed his mustache in the mirror. But its better for a man to
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just let his wife do whatever she wants. I promise youll experience
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less pain that way old boy.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: pUrple roses traditionally represent
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love at first sight, however these roses are actUally red roses
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that we prepared Using a blUe dye.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: the blUe rose is the most elUsive and
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mysterioUs of all flowers.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: the combination of red and blUe in
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this context is meant to evoke the dUal natUre of death, in that
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there is nothing more mysterioUs and impossible to comprehend than
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the vast void of the afterlife, bUt also there is nothing that
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makes Us appreciate the life and and love that we already have than
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the mystery of death.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: while death is terrifying, there is
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always joy to be foUnd among the sorrow. each time we witness
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death, we fall in love with the important people in oUr lives all
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over again.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Calliope is gazing at Roxy with glassy eyes.
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She sniffs as she plucks the last petal from her rose. A breeze
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washes through the cathedral from the crack in the door at the end
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of the room, brushing the petal off-course and causing it to get
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stuck in Roxy’s over-sprayed hair. Calliope reaches out with a
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visibly shaking hand to remove the plant offal, but she does not
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draw back. Instead, she lets her hand graze down the side of Roxy’s
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face and cup her cheek. Roxy puts her own hand over Callie’s and
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holds it.</p>
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<p>John tilts his head and squints at the image in front of him.
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Hmm.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: woah callie thats a beautiful metaphor</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: aw, thank yoU roxy. u_u</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: dont sound so humble it is v v deep</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i jUst can’t take credit for external
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inspiration.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: lmao cmon callie youre the literal muse</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: yes, bUt yoU’re...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">This very tender scene is cruelly interrupted
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by the sound of the cathedral door slamming open.</p>
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<p>Everyone whips their heads around to see, of all people, Aradia
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hovering in the foyer. Her wings radiate a soft, ephemeral glow
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that paints the walls around her pink and red. Sollux is with her,
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feeling his way into the church along the grain of the door. He’s
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soaked head to toe.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: oh no did we miss the entire corpse
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party</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: i hope not</p>
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<p class="sollux">SOLLUX: yes that w0uld be *such* a tragedy.</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: oh shush you</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: the tragedy is what i dont want to
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miss!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat jumps to his feet, eyes so wide they’re
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practically popping out of his head.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ARADIA?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HOLY SHIT... SOLLUX?!</p>
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<p class="sollux">SOLLUX: hey l0ser. it’s been a l0ng time.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S BEEN A...</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S BEEN A “LONG TIME”?!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME?! IT’S
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BEEN MORE THAN A FUCKING HUMAN DECADE!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE DEAD.</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: no i wasnt dead</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO, I MEAN LIKE</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: “GONE FOREVER”??</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I THOUGHT THAT YOU TWO LITERALLY DIDN’T
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EXIST ANYMORE!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OR AT THE VERY LEAST WERE TRAPPED IN A
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DEAD UNIVERSE PERPETUALLY COLLAPSING INTO ITS OWN ASSHOLE.</p>
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<p class="sollux">SOLLUX: 0h. n0pe.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FINE!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WALTZ IN HERE WITH NO EXPLANATION
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WHATSOEVER. SOUNDS ABOUT FUCKING RIGHT.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S NOT LIKE YOUR SUDDEN AND UNEXPLAINED
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PRESENCE IS ANY LESS OF A JOKE THAN THIS “FUNERAL” WE’RE
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HAVING.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I MEAN, WHY STOP AT SOLLUX AND
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ARADIA?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MAYBE FUCKING NEPETA IS ABOUT TO POUNCE
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FROM BEHIND THAT GROTESQUE STATUE OF THE HUMAN SUFFERER T-POSING
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OVER THERE.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NEPETA, ARE YOU THERE? COME ON OUT! THE
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CORPSE PARTY WOULDN’T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU!</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: SHOOSH everyone!</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: there will be a reception with cake n candy
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after the service</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: u all can have ur poignant reunions then</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: before we unite in tearful togetherness we
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gotta unite in tearful loss</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: wait... there’s more?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i thought that nice speech callie made was,
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like...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: pretty much the funeral.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: lol no</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: callie and i were just gettin started</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: oh my god...</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: anyway where was i?</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: how the infinite mystery of death
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makes Us appreciate the love we have!</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: right</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Roxy starts giving the second act of her
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eulogy. Aradia glides to the floor and sets her feet on the stone
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tiling, elfin and weightless. She sidles up to Gamzee and jostles
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him in the ribs.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: so i see you managed to get out of the
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fridge</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i DiDn’T jUsT gEt OuT oF tHe FrIdGe, I
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wAs SeT fReE sIsTeR!</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: i see</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: wHeN tHe DoOr Of ThAt FrIdGe pOpPeD oPeN
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iT wAs LikE i Be AlL sEeIn ThE lIgHt AnD sHiT.</p>
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<p class="sollux">SOLLUX: well yeah</p>
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<p class="sollux">SOLLUX: that’s what happens when s0me0ne 0pens a
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d00r t0 a t0tally dark encl0sure.</p>
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<p class="sollux">SOLLUX: fuck, i can’t believe y0u’re still this
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stupid.</p>
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<p class="sollux">SOLLUX: 0h wait i can.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: nO bRoThEr, It’S a MoThErFuCkIn
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MeTaPhOr.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: A mEtApHoR fOr ThE mIrAcLe Of
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rEdEmPtIoN!</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: redemption</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: yEaH cHeCk It ThE fUcK oUt.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i DiD My MoThErFuCkInG rEdEmPtIoN aRc.
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:o)</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: is that so</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i BeEn DoInG aLl KiNdS oF gOoD dEeDs At
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ThE lOsT mOtHeRfUcKeRs.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: pReAcHiNg ThE hOlY wOrD. mAkInG oUt WiTh
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OrPhAns.</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: oh hmm</p>
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<p class="sollux">SOLLUX: isn’t it “kissing 0rphans”?</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: let him talk sollux</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i EvEn GoT a HeAlThY mUtUaLlY fUlLfIlLiNg
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kIsMeSiS gOiN oN wItH tHaT fOxY hUmAn BrOaD uP fRoNt.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Aradia turns to look in the direction of his
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lecherous ogle. She observes the bored-looking woman who she
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recognizes to be Jane. Aradia looks her up and down, and arches an
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eyebrow in approval.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: its so nice that you believe all that
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gamzee</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: i think i can honestly say</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: im reasonably happy for you?</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: omg quiet in the back already!</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: were tryin to have a beautiful and solemn
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proceeding up here</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: oh im sorry</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: i do agree that its a beautiful corpse
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||
party</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: but i think it would be even MORE
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beautiful if we could you know</p>
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<p class="aradia">ARADIA: actually see the corpse?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD ARADIA, WHY ARE YOU STILL LIKE
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THIS?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Roxy smacks herself in the forehead, like this
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||
is the most obvious thing in the world. Of course, how could she
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forget the fucking corpse?</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh lol ur right i cant believe that slipped
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||
my mind</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: hey jake a lil help?</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: im like hella pregnant here and shouldnt be
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doing any heavy lifting</p>
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||
</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jake leaps from his seat, very enthusiastic to
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be freed from the ice-cold grip of Jane’s perfectly manicured hand.
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He jumps onto the stage and begins unlatching the coffin while
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||
Calliope throws more rose petals for some reason. Living-Jade
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||
slumps in her seat a bit, beginning to look green.</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: ughhh...</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yo babe its ok</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: easy for you to say! youve got practice with
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this kind of thing!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: just remember its not actually your
|
||
corpse</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean technically it is</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: it both is and isnt your corpse at the same
|
||
time</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: which yeah the longer you think about it like
|
||
that the more fucked up it gets</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but also when you objectively think about it
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||
the combined multiverse is a huge tangle of interrelated but
|
||
totally random events and its only chance that this specific life
|
||
is the one you ended up living</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: you and that corpse could have just as easily
|
||
switched places</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but also that would never actually happen
|
||
because its not how paradox space works</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway my point is that nothing really
|
||
matters so chill out</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: um, i love you with all my heart dave but
|
||
youre REALLY not helping right now</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">With a grunt, Jake pries at the coffin. The
|
||
lid creaks open and hits the side of the pulpit with a loud crack.
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||
The noise reverberates through the entire cathedral, shaking dust
|
||
off of the unused pews and rattling the iron in the stained-glass
|
||
windows. Outside, a clap of thunder follows.</p>
|
||
<p>Aradia vaults into the air and flits over the pews to get a
|
||
better look at the body. Teen-Jade remains in the bloody Space
|
||
outfit she crashed to Earth in, since nobody was willing to
|
||
dislodge the huge, otherworldly shard from her chest in order to
|
||
change her. But Roxy has done the corpse’s makeup beautifully, and
|
||
fashioned her a lovely flower crown. If not for all the blood caked
|
||
down her front, and her conspicuous impalement, she’d look like she
|
||
was merely sleeping.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="aradia">ARADIA: now this is more like it</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: i cant look...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: here</p>
|
||
</div>
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||
<p class="no-indent">Dave slings an arm around her shoulders. She
|
||
starts to snuggle in, but Dave is absolutely not initiating
|
||
physical contact here for the purpose of getting his cuddle on.
|
||
Instead of cradling Jade in his arms, he uses his hands to cover
|
||
her eyes.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: uhh... what... are you doing??</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: emotional support yo</p>
|
||
<p class="rose">ROSE: Dave.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: id like to see you do better</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Me Too Actually</p>
|
||
<p class="rose">ROSE: I’m sorry, but I’m not the one whose
|
||
questionable consolation tactics are on trial here.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: this isn’t a trial! it’s a
|
||
fUneral!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: haha, they’ve got a point rose, you gotta
|
||
admit.</p>
|
||
<p class="rose">ROSE: A point about what?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: um...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: you’re not great at consolation? just
|
||
saying.</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Oh You Dont Know The Half Of It</p>
|
||
<p class="rose">ROSE: Excuse all of you, but I’m an excellent
|
||
advice giver.</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: umm nobody said anything about advice giving
|
||
rose...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: oh yeah, the advice is top notch.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but you’re kind of a weird person to like...
|
||
cry in front of?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: no offense.</p>
|
||
<p class="rose">ROSE: What??</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: the first time i ever got upset in front of
|
||
rose irl, she put her arms around me and it was so awkward that i
|
||
had to ask her if she was hugging me or reaching for something on
|
||
the shelf behind me.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: everyone, we’re getting rather off
|
||
track...</p>
|
||
<p class="rose">ROSE: I was doing both for your information.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: the first time rose hugged me it was such a
|
||
disaster we didnt make eye contact for like a week after</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Jade Come Here I Shall Hold You In My
|
||
Arms</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: thank you kanaya at least ONE of you knows
|
||
how to treat a lady in distress!</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: Agreed. I’ve always felt that Kanaya has done
|
||
an exemplary job of providing a model for compassionate, empathetic
|
||
behavior, which others of her kind would do well to follow.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: I’m sorry, Mr. Vantas. Do you have another
|
||
unsolicited political opinion you’d like to share with
|
||
everyone?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CONSIDERING THE SHIT GEYSER THAT JUST
|
||
SHOT OUT OF YOUR IGNORANCE CANNON, I’D SAY MY OPINION IS PRETTY
|
||
FUCKING SOLICITED RIGHT ABOUT NOW.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: EVERYONE!</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: be qUiet!!!!!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Calliope yells so loud that her voice becomes
|
||
a hollow, howling shriek. The glass in the candelabras above her
|
||
shatters, snuffing out the candles and filling the choir with blue
|
||
smoke. She gasps and covers her mouth with both hands, shrinking
|
||
beneath the startled looks she’s receiving from the rest of the
|
||
funeral-goers.</p>
|
||
<p>Slowly, she lowers her arms, staring at her hands in shock. This
|
||
time, she whispers:</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: please. roxy gathered yoU all here
|
||
for a reason.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: at least listen Until the end.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: after that yoU can argUe all you
|
||
want.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Roxy comes back to the pulpit and wraps an arm
|
||
around Calliope’s shoulders.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: look everyone im not dumb ok even tho i act
|
||
like it sometimes</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i know whats goin on here</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: that were all drifting apart</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and i know thats just a normal part of
|
||
growing up and making new families</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and i guess learning that some people have
|
||
unbridgeable divides on political stuff</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i can accept that things arent gonna always
|
||
be the same as when we first met</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: specially with dirk gone</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: damn...</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: even though its been more than a year i still
|
||
feel it like he died yesterday</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: what callie said earlier about death being
|
||
mysterious and full of love is true</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i dont know if i ever would have gotten up
|
||
the courage to marry john if dirk hadnt died</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: sometimes i think about what it would have
|
||
been like if he was still here</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i think we can all agree that if dirk didnt
|
||
kill himself there would be some big differences in the lives of
|
||
people here in this room</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i cant say if theyd be good or bad</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: maybe when it comes to this kind of thing...
|
||
like</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: infinite probability and multiple universes
|
||
and shit</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: good and bad dont matter</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: theres no better or worse just different</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: even with dead jade here whos to say that the
|
||
world she came from was actually worse than ours?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: she probably died a heroic death doin
|
||
something incredible</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: we probably only have the great lives we do
|
||
right now because of her sacrifice</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: the universal odds of us all being alive and
|
||
healthy and together like this are so infinitesimally low that its
|
||
literally impossible for us to understand with our limited linear
|
||
consciousness</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: isnt that amazing??</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: so even if this is the last time were all
|
||
ever in the same room like this</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i think its just incredible we could be here
|
||
in the first place</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: out of a sempiternal number of possibilities
|
||
we are the only incarnation of this exact specific moment in all of
|
||
existence</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i think that we should all look around and be
|
||
super grateful for what we</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wh... what we</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wh... wha...</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: whoah fuck</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Roxy’s voice starts to crack. She staggers off
|
||
the podium, clutching her bloated stomach.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: roxy? are yoU okay?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: of course im not ok i just WENT INTO FREAKING
|
||
LABOR</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: oh my god!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John scrambles to his feet.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: oh my god!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: it’s happening, oh my god!!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: ...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: oh my GOD!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: omg john are you just gonna keep shouting oh
|
||
my god or are you GONNA HELP YOUR WIFEY OUT</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: OH MY GOD!!!!!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John stumbles up the stairs to the pulpit,
|
||
holding his head with both hands. It’s actually Jake, still
|
||
dutifully standing next to the corpse, who catches Roxy under the
|
||
armpits when she topples backwards. He passes her off to John, who
|
||
whips up a cushion of wind for her to recline on.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: doing ok there, sweetheart?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ugh whyd i let you put this thing inside
|
||
me</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: don’t worry roxy! we’ll get it out as soon as
|
||
we can!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: er, by “it,” i mean our child.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: we probably shouldn’t be talking about him in
|
||
dehumanizing terms before he’s even born, huh?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: seems like kind of a bad omen?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: omg.......... john SHUT UP</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i need like six gallons of demerol STAT</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: lets GOOO</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: right! going!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John swoops his wife up in his arms and starts
|
||
scrambling down the aisle.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: wait! i...</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i woUld like to be there as well!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: hurry up then!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Calliope begins sprinting after John and Roxy
|
||
but doesn’t make it two steps before something stops her in her
|
||
tracks. A feeling that crawls under her exoskeleton. She stands
|
||
deathly still for a moment, and then turns to face the coffin.
|
||
Something about the corpse has transfixed her. She curls her
|
||
fingers around the rim of the casket and leans in, studying
|
||
teen-Jade’s peaceful face.</p>
|
||
<p>Suddenly, the corpse bolts upright. Calliope yelps and falls on
|
||
her butt. Adult-Jade screams.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: By jove!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: jesus fuck</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Hair veiling her face, teen-Jade sets her
|
||
hands on her chest and dissolves the shard bisecting her ribcage.
|
||
The wound does not heal, but it doesn’t bleed either.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: jade! yoU...</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: yoU’re alive!</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: or, Um,</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: yoU’re not dead!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">It takes the corpse a while to reply. Everyone
|
||
waits for her to speak. When the words leave her mouth, they send a
|
||
chill through the cathedral air.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: i am not jade.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Slowly, Jade raises her head. The stage makeup
|
||
Roxy applied earlier is running down her face in dark rivers. Her
|
||
eyes are solid black. Even more than black, it seems. They are
|
||
hollows penetrating deep into a field of absence so profound, it’s
|
||
hard to imagine a single photon has ever crossed through its
|
||
infinite expanse. Meeting her gaze is like peering into a realm
|
||
where light goes to die. Calliope finds the sensation disturbingly
|
||
familiar.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: then who...</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: who are yoU?</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: you know who i am, calliope.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: we met once, years ago.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: you were dead, and so was i.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Calliope now understands exactly who is
|
||
speaking to her. She tenses up, scuttles backward, and begins
|
||
tumbling down the stairs into the aisle. She starts running before
|
||
she’s even up on both feet, clawing the carpet ragged in her
|
||
desperation to escape the cathedral. The congregation watches her
|
||
go, but no one moves to help her, or even looks in her direction.
|
||
In her wake, she leaves a primal, echoing wail. The door closes
|
||
thunderously behind her. Her scream can be heard beyond the doors,
|
||
growing quieter as she recedes into the distance.</p>
|
||
<p>Kanaya adjusts the buttons on her very fashionable mourning
|
||
gloves and sighs.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: This Certainly Is A Turn Of Events</p>
|
||
<p class="aradia">ARADIA: ill say</p>
|
||
<p class="aradia">ARADIA: at first i was underwhelmed with the
|
||
proceedings i have to admit</p>
|
||
<p class="aradia">ARADIA: but that was quite the twist</p>
|
||
<p class="aradia">ARADIA: this may be one of the best death related
|
||
celebrations ive ever seen :)</p>
|
||
<p class="sollux">SOLLUX: t0p five at least.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Teen-Jade floats out of her coffin with
|
||
measured grace. Adult-Jade shudders as her reanimated duplicate
|
||
passes by. She slides back into Kanaya’s comforting arms and hides
|
||
her face in the crook of her neck. Teen-Jade directs her
|
||
pitch-black eyes toward the arched marble ceiling, and gazes
|
||
skyward with a sort of intensity and purpose nobody in this crowd
|
||
has seen in years. It’s as if her glare is passing through the roof
|
||
of the church and continuing unimpeded through the partitions of
|
||
this very plane of reality itself.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: you’re undoubtedly surprised.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: but these events were not
|
||
unpredictable at all.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: this is exactly what i have been
|
||
expecting to happen.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">She spreads her arms and speaks in a voice as
|
||
deep and dark as the void.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: and while i cannot say the same
|
||
thing for the rest of you,</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: i, at least, am exactly where i am
|
||
meant to be.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jake meekly raises his hand, now treating the
|
||
botched funeral as something closer to a classroom setting.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Hey uh.</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Not to come off as a total idiot here
|
||
but...</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Who were you supposed to be again?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">She directs the powerful vacuum of her hollow
|
||
glare towards the total idiot. She regards him for a moment,
|
||
radiating a sense of disdain for what may very well be the greatest
|
||
living source of ignorance she has ever encountered in her many
|
||
eons of existence.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: my name is calliope.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: i am the muse of space.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">JADE: and i have entered this body to
|
||
protect your world.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |