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369 lines
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 30</title>
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<div id='s30'></div>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 30</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<p class="no-indent"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">A</span>s Jake
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traverses the length of Jane’s ship, he suspects he has never
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carried more dread in his heart than he does in this moment.</p>
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<p>The burden of the call he just received weighs so heavily upon
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him that it’s a struggle to propel himself each step forward. He
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wishes that someone else had gotten the news, but there’s nothing
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that can be done. He has to be there for his wife, even if he knows
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saying what he needs to say will be hard for both of them.</p>
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<p>The doors to the ship’s bridge slide open to permit him entry
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when he approaches. Jane is standing by the navigational stations,
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engaged in some sort of confabulation of doubtlessly critical
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importance with her eternal shadow, Gamzee Makara. Jake’s already
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miserable mood drops further at the sight of him—no matter how long
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this arrangement carries on, it never seems to get easier to
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stomach.</p>
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<p>Jane is dressed to the nines in her signature blazing-red power
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suit, her freshly polished designer pumps glinting in the varied
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lights of the Crockercorp ship command controls. The full entourage
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of the Crocker conglomerate is fast en route to a business
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conference that Jane insists is of the “utmost importance” to the
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impending negotiation of an array of paramilitary contracts with
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the government, and she would be the first to tell you that looking
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your best is one of the most critical parts of arbitration.</p>
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<p>She doesn’t immediately acknowledge Jake’s presence when he
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approaches. He has to conspicuously clear his throat before Jane
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turns her attention away from Gamzee, and even then she only
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dignifies Jake’s appearance with a fleeting glance.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jane">JANE: Do you need something?</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Well... i have some terrible news i’m
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afraid.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: What is it, Jake? I’m rather occupied at the
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moment.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Im awfully sorry to bother you but its very
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important dear.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: Is something the matter with Tavros?</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: No... eh heh you might want to come with me
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to our quarters for this one.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: ...As I said, I’m a bit busy right now.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: W-well I just thought. Maybe its best if you
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s-sit down for this one. My dear.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: My delectable honey bunches of oats.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: The jolly ole capn of my crunch.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: M-m-my lovely wife whom i love so much.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jane’s face twists in annoyance. She is quite
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a bit shorter than Jake now, but the way she looks down on him
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makes her seem like she towers ten feet above him.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jane">JANE: My <em>goodness</em>, Jake! What do you want?
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Can’t you see I’m right in the middle of something?! Just spit it
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out already!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">The whole bridge goes quiet at Jane’s
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outburst. Everyone has stopped in the midst of their tasks to stare
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nervously at the altercation. The only other sound that penetrates
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the silence is Gamzee noisily slurping on the rubber nipple of his
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baby bottle.</p>
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<p>Jake swallows like he’s in a cartoon. It’s a big, loud gulp. A
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sound that instantly rachets up Jane’s annoyance—like most of
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Jake’s actions seem to, these days.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jake">JAKE: I...</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Well you see...</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: I guess ill come right out and say it
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then.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: I just got news that your father has passed
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jane. Im so sorry.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">At first the words don’t quite register. Jane
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expected this, like all interactions with Jake, to be a meaningless
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waste of her time. Initially she gives a dismissive nod, like she’s
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taking in some trivial piece of information. And then the weight of
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the statement strikes her, sending a jolt of shock through her
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chest.</p>
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<p>It passes quickly, though. She’d almost forgotten.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jane">JANE: An unfortunate incident, but it’s no
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matter.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: I’ll simply revive him, and then make sure
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he’s assigned a security detail.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: Have his body brought here as quickly as
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possible.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: I...</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Im afraid that wont be possible honey.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Theres no body for you to revive at all.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jane’s eyes widen in disbelief.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jane">JANE: What?</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: What... what happened?</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: It... word from the secret service is that it
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was one of karkats assassins.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: The target was the human president.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: He uhhh. Your father that is...</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: He jumped in the way and took the shot.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: The president is safe.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Your dad saved his life.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: I...</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: I don’t understand.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: What happened to his body?</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: Did Karkat’s rebels abduct him?</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Er... no.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: The shot he took was from the barrel of a
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rocket launcher.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Im afraid the assault blew him straight to
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bits. Theres hardly anything left...</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: W... what...</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Luckily the president was barely harmed as
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your old man took the full brunt.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: As far as i know the only harm to him was
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having his full lustrous mustache burned clean off his face.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Its... its a friggin tragedy... :’(</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: (Sniffle.)</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jake’s gaze falls to the floor. Jane’s hand
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clutches at the front of her suit in an unsteady fist.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jane">JANE: P... please tell me you’re joking.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: Jake, tell me this is just a prank.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Im... im afraid not jane.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Im so sorry.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jane whips around, tears in her eyes. The
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whole bridge is holding its breath. She feels every eye on her
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then, the pressure to hold it together. She can’t show weakness
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now. She’s come so far.</p>
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<p>Jane sniffles and swipes at her eyes with the back of her hand.
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She won’t cry. But she can be angry instead.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jane">JANE: UGH!</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: That... that fool!!</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: I can’t believe that he would do this!</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: How could he do this to me!?!</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Janey...</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: The human president could be anyone!</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: My dad can’t be anyone but him!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jake isn’t sure this is the right or smart
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thing to do, but he chances it: he steps forward to place a
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comforting hand on Jane’s shoulder. When she doesn’t immediately
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tear herself away, he tentatively—and slowly, like he’s approaching
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a wounded animal—pulls her into a hug.</p>
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<p>Jane is too dazed to protest. She limply stares past Jake, eyes
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unfocused.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jane">JANE: I don’t... no...</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Shhhh. Shhhh. Everythings going to be ok.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: God. I can’t believe he...</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: Oh, but of course I can.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: He’s always been...</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: Always been so infuriatingly good.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: God, how stupid.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: This is so stupid. I’m so stupid. How could I
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put him in such a dangerous position?</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: Chief of staff?! Anyone could have done that
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job! Why did I tell him to... my own father... I—</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Shhh. Janey. You did nothing wrong.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Nothing wrong at all.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: You never have.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: I love you jane. We all do.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: I-isnt that right gamzee?</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: yEaH mAnG :o)</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: We AlL aNd GoT pLeNtY oF lOvE uP iN tHiS
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bItCh FoR tHe BiG jUiCy j-C!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Gamzee turns to the bridge crew and gestures
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magnificently with his arms. Rivulets of milk are running down his
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||
chin.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: hOnK iF yOu LoVe ThIs BiG tItTy
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BiZzNaTcH!</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: WhOoP wHoOp!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">A petrified pall falls across the bridge as
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the crew tries to figure out whether they’re supposed to take this
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seriously or not. The comms officer shares a look with the
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engineer. The conning officer looks like she’s about to shit her
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||
pants. And then they turn to the most pitiable stooge of them all
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for answers.</p>
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<p>Jake’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline and he nods urgently
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over Jane’s shoulder to indicate that, yes, they should definitely
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do it. At once, the bridge crew gives a unanimous honk.</p>
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<p>Jane sniffs and pulls away out of Jake’s embrace. She turns back
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to the bridge and takes a forward step, stumbling slightly in her
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||
heels. But she catches her balance, fixes her posture, and slips
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back on a stony mask.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jane">JANE: All right.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: Jake! Get the president on the phone.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: It’s clear to me now that it’s past time for
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the military to strike, and I’ll be giving that man a real piece of
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||
my mind until an appropriate counterattack is in motion.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: Obviously, the government’s attempts to be
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gracious with the troll ilk have been naive and foolish.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: These rats cannot be negotiated with. They
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cannot be swayed by reason or appeals to peace and civility.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: The only thing that they want—the only thing
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that they have ever wanted since the ungodly inception of their
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disgusting, verminous species—is bloodshed.</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: And if that is what they truly desire...</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: Well, far be it from us to deny them.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: J-ja—</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: Not another word!!!</p>
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||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Are you sure this isnt a mis—</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: THE TIME TO ACT IS NOW!</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: THEY WILL PAY FOR WHAT THEY’VE DONE!</p>
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<p class="jane">JANE: EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE OF THEM!</p>
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||
<p class="jane">JANE: I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! THIS IS THE END OF THE
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||
LINE!</p>
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||
</div>
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||
<p class="no-indent">Jane is blazing with fury. She marches to the
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||
center of the bridge.</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="jane">JANE: ALL OF YOU, RETURN TO YOUR STATIONS! WE ARE
|
||
CHANGING COURSE!</p>
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||
<p class="jane">JANE: WE WILL BE GOING DIRECTLY TO MEET WITH THE
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PRESIDENT, AND I WILL NOT REST UNTIL HE GIVES THE COMMAND TO CRUSH
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THIS FUCKING REBELLION AND DESTROY ANY CHANCE THAT THEY MIGHT EVER
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||
RESIST AGAIN!</p>
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||
</div>
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||
<p class="no-indent">The bridge crew doesn’t even think to defy
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||
Jane’s orders. They return to their stations, dutiful. The
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||
navigator adjusts the ship’s destination coordinates, and the comms
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||
officer opens a line with the government’s seat of command. Only
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||
one man in the room is brave enough to take a stand.</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: hEy.</p>
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||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: Do YoU tHiNk ThAt MiGhT bE a BiT
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||
mOtHeRfUcKinG xEnOpHoBiC?</p>
|
||
</div>
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||
<p class="no-indent">Jane spins on her heel like a whirlwind, her
|
||
face twisted into a hideous snarl. She rounds on Gamzee with all
|
||
the hatred she can muster.</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="jane">JANE: XENOPHOBIC?</p>
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||
<p class="jane">JANE: I am not fucking xenophobic!</p>
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||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i’M jUsT sAyInG mY mOsT bOdAcIoUs Of
|
||
BaBeS.</p>
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||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: WhAt YoU’rE lAyInG dOwN hErE iS sOuNdInG
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||
wIcKeD bItCh GeNoCiDaL.</p>
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||
<p class="jane">JANE: What the fuck are you talking about?!?!</p>
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||
<p class="jane">JANE: I am not, and have never been, a fucking
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||
xenophobe!</p>
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||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: yEa BuT lIsTeN.</p>
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||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: KiLlInG aLl ThE tRoLlS...</p>
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||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: tHaT wOuLd Be BaD yOu FeEl Me?</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: I’m A tRoLl ReMeMbEr.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: mAyBe YoU sHoUlD tAkE a MiN aNd ChIlL a
|
||
BiT, lIl MiNt ChOcO cHiP. hOnK.</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: Shut the fuck up!!!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: You fucking insects just assassinated my
|
||
father!!!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: HeH hEh. YoU’rE cUtE wHeN yOu’Re MaD, mY
|
||
tAsTy LiTtLe SnAcCuCcInO :o)</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">And then Gamzee seals his fate. He reaches out
|
||
with his finger and boops Jane right on her little nose. Honk!</p>
|
||
<p>Jake audibly gasps at the sight—but Jane does not have any sort
|
||
of violent outburst of anger. Instead, she goes completely, icily
|
||
silent.</p>
|
||
<p>Gamzee smiles vacantly down at Jane, unaware of his misstep.
|
||
When Jane next speaks, it is in a controlled, steady voice.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: Security.</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: Escort this troll off of my ship. Now.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">The security personnel aboard the bridge do
|
||
not hesitate to follow the command. They descend on Gamzee in a
|
||
swarm, grabbing him by his arms. The baby bottle tumbles out of his
|
||
grasp, busting open when it falls. The remaining milk spills out,
|
||
pooling in the recessed lighting of the floor.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: wHoA wHoA wHoA, hOlD uP!</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: YoU cAn’T jUsT gO aNd ThRoW mE oFf BoArD,
|
||
mY mIlKy MaMi.</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: Oh, but I can!</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: Just watch me.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">The security officers begin to pull Gamzee
|
||
away, but he makes one final desperate play.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: wAiT!! jUsT hEaR mE oUt!!</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: What?</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: iF yOu ThRoW mE oUt I’lL bE aLl LoSt AnD
|
||
sHiT, bAbE. yOu KnOw I bE nEeDiNg YoU.</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: What? You think appealing to me with your
|
||
disgusting little addiction is going to sway me?</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: That’s the funniest joke you’ve ever told,
|
||
clown.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: iT’s NoT aBoUt ThE mIlK, bOo.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: It’S aBoUt YoU.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jane stops.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: What...?</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i NeEd YoU...</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: Are you saying that y—</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: I’vE gOnE aNd ToLd YoU AlL aBoUt My PaSt
|
||
StRuGgLeS wItH tHe WiCkEd GrEeN sUbStAnCeS.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i DoNe GoNe AnD mAdE sO mUcH pRoGgReSs,
|
||
FiNdInG nEw HeAlThY wAyS tO cOpE wItH tHe VoIcEs AnD rEdEeM
|
||
mYsElF.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: AnD yOu’Ve BeEn MoRe Of A hElP tO mE tHaN
|
||
aNyBoDy. MoRe ThAn AnYtHiNg.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: yOu KnOw WiTh ThE NiGhTmArEs I cAn’T
|
||
sLeEp WiThOuT hOlDiNg On To A mOtHeRfUcKeR!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jane sneers. She has no idea why she thought
|
||
for even a moment that he might have meant anything else.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: I am so...</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: Ugh. Forget it.</p>
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: You are despicable.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: yOu CaN’t JuSt Go AnD cUt A bRoThEr
|
||
OfF!</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: LeT’s AlL uP aNd ThInK tHiS tHrOuGh AlL
|
||
rEaSoNaBlY aNd ShIt.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i’Ll Do MoThErFuCkInG aNyThInG!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jane’s eyes rake up and down Gamzee’s body,
|
||
like she’s carefully considering her response. Her face is
|
||
expressionless when she answers.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jane">JANE: Begone, clown.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jane turns, and waves the security away. The
|
||
uniformed men drag Gamzee from the bridge. The sound of honks
|
||
reverberate hauntingly through the halls as the wretched jester is
|
||
removed from his seat of power at last.</p>
|
||
<p>In spite of everything, Jake can’t help but be relieved.</p>
|
||
<p>With Gamzee finally disposed of, Jane is invigorated with the
|
||
strength of her own conviction. She spins on her heel and
|
||
confidently strides to the captain’s chair. She engages her
|
||
interface, sits down, and assumes her seat of command.</p>
|
||
<p>The time for mercy is long past. Karkat Vantas must die.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |