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352 lines
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 31</title>
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<div id='s31'></div>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 31</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: John, I need to see!</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: How do I get 8ack!?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John looks up to see one of Jane’s recon ships
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flying overhead. Aside from the encroaching fleet, the blue sky is
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seamless and calm. The hole that Vriska came through has already
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sealed up.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="john">JOHN: um.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i don’t think you *can* go back.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i have no idea what the exact scientific
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mechanism behind falling out of the sky is, but so far it’s proven
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to be a one way trip.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Noooooooo!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: welcome to earth c, ha ha.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: it fucking sucks!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Vriska releases her vice grip on John’s arms
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so that she can cradle her head between her hands.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Oh my god!</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: This is the worst thing that could h8ve
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possibly h8ppened to me.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: are you sure about that?</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Yes, I am a8solutely... w8.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Why are you so... so????????</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Vriska gestures wordlessly at John’s entire
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body. Then she leans in closer to study his face, squinting with
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suspicion.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: John, are you old?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: um. a little, i guess.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i mean, i’m going to live forever apparently,
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so in that respect i’m still pretty young.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: but compared to the average human lifespan,
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i’m like... about three eighths of the way dead?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Vriska runs both hands down her face, leaving
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long, dark streaks of blood.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: I can’t 8e here.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: vriska...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: wait, actually, i guess i shouldn’t call you
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that?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: it might get confusing.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Wh8t?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: well, see...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: rose and kanaya’s daughter is also named
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vriska.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: WH8T????????</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: and since you didn’t come to earth c with us,
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that means technically she was here first.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: so that would make you...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: (vriska)?</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): That’s fucking un8ccepta8le!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: sorry. but i think that’s probably just how
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it has to be.</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): John, you accused me of talking
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nonsense, 8ut you’re the one not m8king any d8mn sense.</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Where AM I?</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Why are you OLD?</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Why do Rose and Kanaya h8ve a DAUGHTER
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n8med after ME!?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: oh, it’s because they thought you sacrificed
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your life heroically defeating lord english.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: so they found a baby clone of you and named
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her in your honor.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: personally, i thought the whole thing sounded
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like bullshit?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: but, you know. whatever makes them happy.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John shrugs. (Vriska) remains frozen in her
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expression of horror, mouth agape. In the distance, the troll
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defenses take a shot at the human recon vessel. (Vriska) doesn’t
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flinch at the sound of a sonic cannon blasting off behind her. She
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slowly peels her hands from her face and glares at John as one of
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her eyes twitches at the corner.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): ...</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): ...</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): That’s...</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Th8t’s the........</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Stupidest *F8CKING* thing I’ve ever
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heard!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: yeah, i know! i tried to tell them.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: man, it’s been a while since we’ve agreed on
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something, hasn’t it?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: so, um.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: not to be nosy, but...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: DID you defeat lord english?</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Of course not!</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Why do you think I’m so desperate to go
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8ACK!?</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): The 8attle was hitting its clim8x when
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I got hit in the head with... with...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">(Vriska) paws at her head wound, fingers numb
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and vision blurry.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Wh8tever the fuck it was that hit me in
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the head!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She sways on her feet. John tries to steady
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her, but she slaps his hands away.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="john">JOHN: do you wanna see a doctor for that or
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something?</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): No!!!!!!!!</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): I w8nt to know what the fuck is GOING
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ON!!!!!!!!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: ok, sure.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: so about fifteen years ago, jane started
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spreading all this xenophobic propaganda about trolls.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: and eventually she and her corporation became
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so entrenched in financial dealings with basically every societal
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institution with power on earth c that she became this unstoppable
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lobbying monolith that can more or less tell the government what to
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do.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: so now she may as well be writing all of
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these xenophobic policies into law directly.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: oh, jane’s a huge xenophobe, by the way?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i probably should have started out with that
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fact.</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): John, this story fucking sucks.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: oh, and then karkat had this really
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catastrophic breakup with jade and dave, so he ran off to spearhead
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a troll rebellion against the xenophobic government.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: to be honest, the rebellion was pretty lame
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in the beginning, but then, um... meenah?</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Meenah?!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: yeah! meenah. she fell out of the sky, like
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you just did, and helped him actually get good at revolutionary
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stuff.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: so now both sides are all maxed out with
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space ships and weapons and stuff, and are on the brink of war.</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Holy shit. That’s even dumber than Rose
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and Kanaya naming their shitty kid after me.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: oh man, their kid IS shitty. you have NO
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idea.</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): How the hell did you all fuck this up
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so much????????</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: oh.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: that’s my bad.</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): YOUR 8ad?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: yeah. i made the wrong decision and totally
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blew it.</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): HOW?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i was supposed to go fight lord english, but
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i didn’t. so now we’ve gone beyond, like, the event horizon of
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||
canon.</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): What the fuck does that even
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MEAN????????</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John sighs and sweeps an arm across the
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landscape. The sky darkens as the first of the troll fleet roars
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||
onto the frontline.</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: i don’t know, really.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: rose explained it all to me once, but i
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pretty much forgot what she said. i didn’t actually think it was
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||
that important at the time.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: all i know is that all of this is my
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||
fault.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: it’s been turning around in my head like this
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for a while. i thought...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: why does everything here fucking SUCK so
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much?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: how the hell did we even make it from point A
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to point festering clusterfuck?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: it doesn’t follow any kind of logic i
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understand, or any sort of basic sense i have about who we are as
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people...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: and why? why have we all ended up so unhappy
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and... twisted up?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i got everything i wanted. everyone got what
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they—</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: what <em>i</em> thought they wanted.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: and that’s just it, isn’t it?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: the more i think about it, i’m the only
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factor that matters to anything.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: whatever i did, or didn’t do, just...
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||
destroyed reality’s ability to, like, substantiate itself, or
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||
whatever.</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: like there’s a bug in the operating system of
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||
whatever force in this world that regulates cause and effect.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: everything’s been unraveling. nothing that
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happens makes sense anymore.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: and now i’m the only person out here who’s
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even real at all!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: hahahaha.</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Hahahahahahahaha... Wow, I’ve never
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seen a guy get his 8ulge all the way down his own swallow chute
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8efore!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: wait, what?</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Good fuck. Do you actually think
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reality gives that much of a shit a8out you?</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Get real, Eg8ert.</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): It’s not like you’re <em>me</em>.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: ok, well.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: that’s fair i guess.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: but whatever it was that caused this, it’s
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pretty obvious that all of this is just kind of dumb and fake.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: so don’t worry about it.</p>
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<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): I kind of H8VE to worry a8out, it
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considering you just expl8ined to me that I’m TR8PPED here!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: nah, it’s fine. it’ll all work out.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: or it won’t. it doesn’t really matter either
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||
way.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">(Vriska) clenches her hands into fists so
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||
tight her nails draw blood, and hisses out a long, vicious
|
||
expletive. Around her, the ground begins to shake as the human
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fleet of batterpanzers roll out from the edge of the city and take
|
||
position.</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: um, so we should probably get out of here
|
||
soon.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: or not. we’re both god tier, so as long as we
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||
don’t do anything cool or evil, i guess we’ll be fine and not
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||
permanently die.</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: hehe... it’s almost like the god tier rules
|
||
were designed to reward us for being useless pieces of shit?</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: heheheheh. i think i get it now.</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: it’s a pretty good joke actually. nice.</p>
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||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): FFFFFFFFUCK!!!!!!!!</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: oh, hey. that reminds me.</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: did you ever see terezi out there?</p>
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||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): No????????</p>
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||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Why would I h8ve seen Terezi? Didn’t
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||
she go with the Striders to fight six hundred versions of J8ck or
|
||
something?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: well, yeah. but then later, she went back out
|
||
there to find you.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: (vriska), she searched for you for YEARS!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i mean, years from my perspective at least. i
|
||
dunno about hers.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but, we used to talk sometimes. it was fucked
|
||
up how sad she was without you.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i don’t even know what happened to her. the
|
||
last time i talked to her she... she thought she was about to
|
||
die.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: for a long time i liked to pretend that maybe
|
||
you two found each other after all. but if you’re here now, and she
|
||
isn’t, that means...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: ugh, who knows what it means.</p>
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Wow. John, you sound pretty 8roken up
|
||
a8out this! Were you in love with her or something?!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John laughs sadly.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: well... i don’t know.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: what does it even matter!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: like everything else, it was just some more
|
||
stupid crap that happened, which technically wasn’t even
|
||
“canon.”</p>
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Oh my fucking god.</p>
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): I CAN’T T8KE THIS ANYM8RE!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">(Vriska) screams in frustration and throws her
|
||
arms in the air. Her piercing voice can be heard over the roar of a
|
||
hundred war-freighter engines. The bulk of Karkat and Meenah’s
|
||
fleet has just arrived. Their ships are less sleek and imposing
|
||
than Jane’s, most of them having been scavenged, patchworked, and
|
||
jury-rigged. But they’re numerous enough to blot out the sun when
|
||
they coast overhead.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): I don’t c8re a8out wh8tever the FUCK
|
||
“c8non” is supposed to 8e!</p>
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): I don’t a8out your dum8, unrequited
|
||
crush on Terezi!</p>
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): I don’t C8RE a8out this stupid,
|
||
pointless w8r!!!!!!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Someone get me the hell out of this
|
||
fucking NIGHMT8RE 8efore I re8lly L8SE MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: WoAh, HeY, lEt’S aLl CaLm ThE mOtHeRfUcK
|
||
dOwN.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John and (Vriska) both turn to see a gangly
|
||
figure emerging from the dust kicked up by Jane’s tank platoon.
|
||
Gamzee’s hair is caked with dirt, his makeup is smudged, and he’s
|
||
sucking on his milk bottle in the style of some smooth hombre in a
|
||
spaghetti western mouthing a cigar. He tugs the rubber nipple out
|
||
of his mouth with a pop. The chalky, viscous milk forms a goatee of
|
||
spittle on his chin.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: VrIsKa My MaIn BiTcH, lOnG tImE nO
|
||
sEe.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: YoU SeEm aLl dIsCoMbObUlAtEd tHeRe,
|
||
SiStEr. JuSt fUcKiN BeSeT WiTh tHe pOoRlY ReGuLaTeD EmOtIoNs tHaT
|
||
CaUsE a MoThErFuCkEr nOtHiNg bUt pAiN.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: NoW WhY DoN’T LeT’S CaLm tHe fUcK DoWn,
|
||
TaKe rIpS OfF ThIs dOpE BoTtLe oF FrEsH AsS TiTtYdAiRy, ThEn sHoOt
|
||
ThE WiCkEd sHiT AbOuT ThE GoOd wOrD.</p>
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): The... the “Good Word”?</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: It bE CaLlEd rEdEmPtIoN,
|
||
mOtHeRfUcKeR!</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: AnD YoU GoTtA GeT ThAt sHiT LoCkEd aLl
|
||
tIgHt iN WhErE YoUr hEaRt’s aT, tO GeT YoUr mOrAl cOmPrOmIsAtIoNs
|
||
tO ChIlL ThE FuCk uP.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: CaUsE I CaN’T ThInK Of a sInGlE NoThEr
|
||
mOtHeRfUcKeR WhO CoUlD UsE A RiGhTeOuS DoSe oF ThAt sWeEt, SwEeT
|
||
ReDeMpTiOn rIgHt dOwN ThE ShAmE HaTcH MoRe tHaN (vRiSkA)
|
||
mOtHeRfUcKiNg (SeRkEt). :o)</p>
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): ...</p>
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): ...</p>
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): ...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">(Vriska) casts a wide glare at the intruding
|
||
clown with steely, merciless eyes. Slowly, she stalks towards him,
|
||
her feet pressing so heavily in the soft earth she might as well
|
||
weigh a thousand pounds. Gamzee suckles at his bottle and beams at
|
||
her with the complacency of a man perfectly oblivious to the
|
||
one-way ticket to the world of shit his big mouth just bought for
|
||
him.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="vriska">(VRISKA): Wh8t the F8CK did you just s8y to
|
||
me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |