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637 lines
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 38</title>
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<div id='s38'></div>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 38</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<p class="no-indent"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">R</span>oxy tugs
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at a piece of hair behind her ear with one hand as she checks the
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time on her phone with the other.</p>
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<p>John’s not late, but Roxy’s run out of things to do except wait
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for him, which is both cosmically appropriate and annoying. It’s
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not like she’d been cleaning up for his visit or anything. More
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just wandering through the house, looking at everything through his
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hypothetical eyes. Things that changed since he left. Things that
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stayed the same.</p>
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<p>She figured there’d be some point when they talked face to face
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again, what with the vast expanse of time laid out in front of them
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and all. But she’d still been surprised when Jake arranged a
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“friendly visit” and ended up asking, in hushed tones, if she’d be
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willing to see John again.</p>
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<p>She’d been open to it from the start, but Jake insisted on this
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absurd sequence of clandestine meetings to ensure that they’d be
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“safe” from Jane’s “watchful eye.” It took an exhausting degree of
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assurance for her to convince them that John could just come over,
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and that Jane didn’t have the house bugged, and she wasn’t about to
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come and have him thrown in prison for having the audacity to want
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to see his own family. Now that the day of the reunion has arrived,
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Roxy is just ready to get on with it.</p>
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<p>The knock on the door is almost too quiet to hear. She exhales,
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fluttering her overgrown bangs, and goes to answer.</p>
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<p>He’s even beefier than she remembered, but his posture is turned
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in on itself like he’s trying to seem small. God, this had better
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not be another self-flagellation fest. She’s prepared to handle a
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fair few apologies, but there has always been a cyclicity to John’s
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contrition, and she can only handle so many self-absorbed attempts
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at communicating remorse before her head starts feeling like it’ll
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float away from her body.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: sup john</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: long time no see</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John smiles at her through his hair as he
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waves hello: one quick slice of his hand through the air, twisting
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at the wrist. It comes off as shy and boyish instead of hangdog. A
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good sign. Maybe her jokey casual approach is the right one. That
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would be handy, because that’s really the best angle she’s got.</p>
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<p>She mirrors the movement with her own hand and steps aside for
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him to come in.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: well alright then pal</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i do believe u know the way to the living
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room</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: yeah, yep.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: thanks.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">He clears his throat and follows her gesture.
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She walks a little behind him, watching his eyes catch on the
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things she expected—a coat rack covered in scarves, the wall of
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family photos, a super badass sculpture some chess guys made for
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her that John always said was “weirdly sexual, for them.” He looks
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at it now like it’s something from an almost forgotten dream. Roxy
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sighs.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="john">JOHN: sorry for staring like an idiot.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: it’s...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i just got done with a whole week of feeling
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weird about hanging out in my dad’s old house again.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: I kind of forgot to think about how it would
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be surreal coming back here, too.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: some kind of nostalgia whiplash, i guess.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: fair enough yo</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She faces him, seated cross-legged on the
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couch a polite distance away. He looks past her, almost through
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her, like he usually does. She knows him well enough to know what
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he’s politely not asking.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: harry andersons out if u were wonderin</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: hell scoot back home later so if you make it
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thru round 1 of awkward ex-family convos im happy to say you can be
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rewarded with another</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: oh, cool.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i’d like to see him, if…</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: if it’s okay with both of you.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: ya we chatted bout it</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: but like i said</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: one thing at a time</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: lets me n u tear this ol egbert/lalonde
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estrangement band-aid right the fuck off n see what we got goin on
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underneath it</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John laughs, and there’s a shadowed flicker of
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warmth to it. Roxy immediately wants to fan it—to make him laugh
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for real—but she knows by now that it’s not her job to make him
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happy. That was something she gave up on years ago. But wanting to?
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That feeling is still as fresh as it always was.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="john">JOHN: sounds like a plan.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: so, uh.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i’ve been doing a lot of thinking
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recently.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: and i’ve realized some things.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: some stuff that involves you and some that
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doesn’t, but all things i think you deserve to know.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: whew.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: ok lemme think where to start...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: you know how jake left jane?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i mean, i assume you know.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: though, uh, no offense, but jane’s version
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might be...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: skewed.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh lmao nah i didnt hear it from janey</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: harry anderson filled me in on wat he got
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thru the teen grapevine</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: oh!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: are you guys not...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: nevermind.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i’m sorry, i came to apologize for my shit,
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not pry into your business.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: we don’t have to talk about jane if you don’t
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want to.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Roxy shrugs. She’s still working through what
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she feels about distancing herself from Jane, but John actually
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isn’t the worst person she could talk to about it. If he’s truly
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about to be real with her for the first time in forever, she might
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as well try to meet him halfway.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: janey n me havent been super tight of
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late</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: ah.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: what about politics not coming between
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friends and all that?</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: lmao well turns out sometimes someones
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politics make it p clear what kind of friends they value</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: or dont</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: and idk sometimes people you used to like
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when you were a teen grow up to be assholes or w/e!!</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i think i was clingin to somethin just to
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prove to myself that i was doin stuff right</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: ol rolal</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: hella normal</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: v good at sticking with friends</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: the more i thought abt it the more i figured
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holdin on to that one thing made me lose out on some other shit</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: u might relate</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: haha, you got me there i guess.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: anyways</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: im not tryna take up all ur big speech time
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w/ my stuff</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: you were tellin me about how jake n janey
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finally went splitsways and how it gave you some kind of
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epiphany</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: no, it’s cool!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i’m glad to hear it.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: we can come back to your shit after my shit,
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maybe.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: but yeah, jake, he uh...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: he and tavros are living with me now.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i think for the foreseeable future. we were
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expecting jane to have kind of a fit about it, but all we’ve gotten
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so far are some divorce papers.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: if she knows where jake is and she hasn’t had
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a drone fleet dispatched to nuke my house off the planet i think
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that’s a good sign she’s actually just letting them go?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: which is kind of surprising, but, uh. good, i
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guess.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: ok ill b the first 2 admit that janes turned
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into kind of a jerk lately but u no shes not actually like</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: literally evil</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: lol</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: that’s debatable!</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: sry to disappoint but janes just a person and
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you cant actually blame her for everything that went wrong in our
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marriage like i was her helpless thrall or somethin</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: that’s not what i was saying...</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: ok neither of us came here to argue about
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janey did we</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: you’re right. let’s just not talk about
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her.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: anyway...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how
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things got to be like they are.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i guess i’ll just come out and say it.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i completed fucked up your entire life.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i’m not going to pretend like there are two
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sides here. it’s my bad, totally.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: like, not just what happened to our marriage,
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though it’s also true that that’s completely my fault.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: but even before that...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i think i fucked up on just this massive,
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fundamental level, and it’s what i did—</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: or, well, what i didn’t do—</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: that caused every stupid bullshit thing about
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the way this world is.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: none of this was supposed to be this way.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: honestly, it doesn’t feel right that we got
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married at all, does it?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: your life was heading in this whole other
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direction with callie, and i just...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i dunno. i just kind of took that from
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you.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i think i ended up taking a lot of decisions
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from a lot of people.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: everything took a backseat to what i
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wanted.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: whatever cosmic significance the lives here
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do or don’t have, all the pointless suffering i’ve created is...
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inhumane. and—</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh nah ill stop u rite there my man</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She feels a little bit bad cutting him off.
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This conversational space they’ve carved out for themselves is
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balanced on a tenuous trust, and she doesn’t want to scare him
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away. It’s just that she could feel his whole speech gathered up
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inside him, poised to gush out in a long rote ramble, and it’s
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frankly just. Some bullshit. She knows more than he does, and she
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doesn’t need to hear it. She’s not a kid anymore, and she doesn’t
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have to pretend someone else is right just to keep the peace if she
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||
doesn’t want to.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: im sorry john ilu but this is some hot
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||
steamin horseshit</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: what?!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John’s gaze slides over to focus sharply on
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her face for maybe the first time since he showed up on her
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doorstep. Goosebumps trail down her shoulders, but she doesn’t let
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||
the closeness of it distract her from her frustration.</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its some real jerkoff emoji stuff is all im
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||
sayin!!</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: you think you choice mattered so much that no
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||
one elses could measure up?</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: n then what</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: did u get what u wanted?</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: did your life end and the points got tallied
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||
and you came out on top or like what?</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: still p much seems like were movin to me</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and you sure dont seem like ur winnin so
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||
wheres all this good shit you got that you gotta go around handin
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||
out apologies for?</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: also damn dude while were at it!!</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: u forgot to actually say sorry in that
|
||
apology!</p>
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||
<p class="john">JOHN: no, i didn’t — i just meant...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i’m sorry for fucking up your life, or making
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||
it not—</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i like my life!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i mean it aint perf and i got my share of
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||
fuckups n mistakes in there but you dont get to tell me its fucked
|
||
up</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: or that it isnt real or somethin</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its mine!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
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<p class="no-indent">So much for the jokey, comfortable approach.
|
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She tilts her chin up and tries to breathe evenly as she holds eye
|
||
contact. He’s been looking at her, really looking at her, and she
|
||
doesn’t want to blink, just in case that shatters it. John doesn’t
|
||
respond. He just sits there with his mouth hanging open, staring.
|
||
He blinks a few times, slow, but he’s still focused completely on
|
||
her. The corners of his still-open mouth pull themselves up
|
||
helplessly into a smile.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: uh</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wat r u lookin at me like that for?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: no, i’m sorry.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: it’s just...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i used to be so angry that you wouldn’t tell
|
||
me what you really thought, before.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: not like i wanted to FIGHT fight, but
|
||
like.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i’m just not used to this flavor of roxy.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hm</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: sounds to me like u just disproved ur own
|
||
hotshot theory then genius</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: huh?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: you wished i was one way the whole time we
|
||
were married</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but i wasnt</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but now that youre all convinced ur the only
|
||
real boy in a crowd o puppets</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: here i am bein me just like you ordered only
|
||
i did it without your help</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: widen ur zoom my man!!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: im not actin like this now because you want
|
||
me to or bc you dont want me to</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i was bad at standin up for myself then and
|
||
im learnin to be good at it now</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ive got my own self actualization train</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ur just pullin in to one of my many roxy
|
||
figures some shit out stations right as i built it</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: you were never like that before i...</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dude</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: where tf do u get off trying to decide what
|
||
is or isnt me being “like me” enuff</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: do u think ppl stay the same their whole damn
|
||
lives or what</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: you’ve really never felt like anything about
|
||
our lives here was... off?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: off from what exactly??</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: the way things should be?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: what does that mean???</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John’s mouth opens and closes. It seems
|
||
there’s something stuck in the spokes of his rhetorical tire. Roxy
|
||
can see the gears struggling to turn in his head. She almost feels
|
||
bad for him.</p>
|
||
<p>Roxy lets herself take a moment. She doesn’t want to reassure
|
||
him with lies, to tell him he’s never fucked anything up in his
|
||
life. But she doesn’t want to twist the knife of blame further into
|
||
him than it needs to go. So she shrugs, looks her ex-husband in the
|
||
eyes, and tells him the truth.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i mean i felt... somethin i guess</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but its not just you</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: youve never been the only player in this game
|
||
u kno</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: do u not remember who all was there when this
|
||
all kicked off?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: me n callie wouldna told u u had a choice if
|
||
it was all just some meaningless bs</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its not like i was ever some master seer of
|
||
all that ever was or will be but i do know a lil bit abt what
|
||
coulda gone down if things were different</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and u know what</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i like the way things turned out just fuckin
|
||
fine</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: so maybe u could stop wastin precious
|
||
eternity thinkin ur so special that its ur fault everyones not
|
||
perfectly happy</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John is quiet. Roxy has more to say, maybe.
|
||
More things she’s half thought about, but never quite put words to,
|
||
regarding the paths her life could have taken. This has already
|
||
been a lot of truth for one moment, though, so she pats John’s knee
|
||
and walks to the kitchen for some water.</p>
|
||
<p>A glass in each hand, Roxy leans against the counter, breathing.
|
||
She’s still running on the adrenaline of getting all that out, and
|
||
the surface of the water trembles with it. She watches the ripples,
|
||
watches her hands. She wonders if they will ever wrinkle.</p>
|
||
<p>When she sits back down next to John, he takes the glass
|
||
wordlessly. After a minute of reflective sipping, which she is
|
||
grateful for, he speaks.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i just kept wanting to find ways to make
|
||
everything make sense, you know?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but maybe it just fucking doesn’t.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i know we became grownups in a world built
|
||
specifically n cosmically for us</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: so i get wanting to find a pattern in
|
||
everything</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but not everything has 2 b that deep</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: n when u think abt it</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: lookin at it that way, like evrythin has to
|
||
be this elaborately purposeful heroic design to be worthwhile</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: is actually p shallow</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: oh.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: yeah, i guess.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John stretches, scratches the back of his head
|
||
like an anime love interest, and lets out one mindfucked exhale of
|
||
a laugh. His features are droopy, his whole body tired from the
|
||
mental wringer he just went through, but he’s still looking at her
|
||
for real. Fondness surges through her. Not in a way where she fears
|
||
the reignition of any romantic feeling. It’s just that she
|
||
understands him. And he’s starting to understand her. It’s
|
||
comfortable the way an old t-shirt you thought you lost but
|
||
discovered in the back of the closet is comfortable. Smells mostly
|
||
musty, but still enough like home to knock you right on your
|
||
ass.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i’m sorry. it’s just so hard to not feel like
|
||
a total asshole.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: maybe i’m not some grand vizier of destroying
|
||
time and space or whatever.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but we KNOW that there’s a canon timeline out
|
||
there.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: and it seems really obvious to me that we
|
||
aren’t in it anymore.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: so what</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: “so what”???</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: so what</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: tf do i care that theres some other reality
|
||
out there some1 arbitrarily decided was the “real” one</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: whats that have to do with the life i have
|
||
now</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: what is there actually that makes this one
|
||
mean less than that one to the ppl who r actually in it</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: you never feel like it would’ve been better
|
||
if things had gone a different way?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: magic or no, i could have done a lot
|
||
differently, for you especially.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: stuck around, or... fuck.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: stayed out of your way to begin with.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: let you and callie do your thing, or do
|
||
whatever it was you seemed to be headed off to do.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i just didn’t expect it to be me,
|
||
after...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Roxy wrinkles her nose. Thinking about all the
|
||
lives she could have led makes her feel dizzy.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: nah dont say that</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i mean i accept ur apology this time but</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: theres obvs all kinds of ways shit coulda
|
||
gone</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and tbh back then</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: with her...</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: mostly i think i just wanted to do stuff
|
||
right</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: not that i knew wtf that even meant lmao</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: which was prob the problem lmao lmao lmao</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: just like</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: we had this big fresh as hell start at bein
|
||
people!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i had all these conflictin thoughts abt how
|
||
to be me in the first place</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: like what it meant to date a beautiful skull
|
||
alien</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: sexualitywise and genderwise and person in
|
||
generalwise</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: for a while there i didnt know if i wanted
|
||
ppl to think of me as a woman at all</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: ah, i didn’t know.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: well, i guess maybe i wondered?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but the way young idiot me would have
|
||
wondered, so not that deeply.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: and it seemed like you’d forgotten all about
|
||
it when we got together.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i hadnt forgotten about it</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: do you want to talk about it...?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i coulda told you then but i kinda felt
|
||
embarrassed abt flip floppin with my identity i think</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: mean it isnt like i grew up with big
|
||
airquotes society tellin me what was right n wrong like u did</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: so it wasnt any kind of shamefest</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: just a lot of abstract hypotheticals wed only
|
||
just started talking about and never got very far into</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: just idk i thought i might do things one way
|
||
but then i stopped hangin out with callie as much</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its not like i stopped thinkin abt it</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: or her</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but it never rly came up with anyone else and
|
||
i didnt rly feel like i could talk abt it with you so i never
|
||
brought it up again</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i’m really sorry you felt that way, roxy.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its ok its not ur fault</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but you don’t regret it?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: not going for that stuff, and instead just...
|
||
marrying me?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i’m not asking so you can absolve me, i’m
|
||
just impressed.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: how do you not second guess every choice you
|
||
make?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i havent stuck my head in the timeline vortex
|
||
like u have so i dunno what its like to see other options</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i just do things the best way i think to do
|
||
em and then shrug n hope it works out?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Roxy thinks about time and the spirals of
|
||
choice that hang just outside her periphery, and the vertigo grows.
|
||
She rolls the word “regret” around in her brain; she feels it on
|
||
her tongue. John waits.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i dont think i can regret anything</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: theres not only one right way to be me
|
||
imo</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i like the me i am</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its not like i went n decided “actually hell
|
||
ya love to be a woman n do all the shit on the woman checklist”</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i get that thats prob what it looks like
|
||
outside of my own self but i dont care abt that</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: sorry lol im not good at this whole explainin
|
||
what transpires in my brain thing</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John shrugs and Roxy gives herself time to
|
||
think. She remembers how confusing it felt to even approach her
|
||
identity when this stuff first hit her. There had been some vague
|
||
truth about the uselessness of rules about how gender should be,
|
||
but she never quite worked it out.</p>
|
||
<p>She’d stopped thinking about it until she got pregnant—then she
|
||
had been so afraid that having a baby would confirm some deep truth
|
||
within her that she’d pushed away, but that it would be too late to
|
||
back out. That hadn’t happened, and instead there was the strange,
|
||
all-consuming bodily relief she felt when, somehow, being pregnant
|
||
had felt right. It was good in the opposite way than she had
|
||
expected. She hadn’t felt any more womanly than she ever had. It
|
||
had hit her then that she could think of her body not as
|
||
specifically female, but as something altogether different. Hers. A
|
||
flesh machine, shifting pieces around to create a person. Her
|
||
breasts, which she’d not really known what to do with or how to
|
||
feel about, suddenly had a specific, practical purpose. It had
|
||
allowed her to retreat from the concept of gender entirely,
|
||
grounding herself only in the physical reality of using her body to
|
||
make another, two heartbeats blending in a rhythm that was nothing
|
||
but human.</p>
|
||
<p>She does not know how to articulate this to John. It’s
|
||
convoluted and personal and she isn’t sure she can do the
|
||
overwhelming goodness of it justice. But then, Harry Anderson is
|
||
his, too, so she knows she has to try.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: idk this life ive been livin gave me harry
|
||
anderson</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: that kinda outweighs anything else just for
|
||
me personally</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: n its not like i ever totally quit thinkin
|
||
abt that gender stuff</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i just found a different way to work it out
|
||
than maybe i was originally gonna</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Touching those huge, inarticulate thoughts
|
||
with words feels bigger than she expected, and tears prick at the
|
||
backs of her eyes. She shakes her head and laughs before John can
|
||
start crying, too.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but lmao john were just adults</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: were not dead!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: idk i mean were only what... barely middle
|
||
aged in regular human years?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: we got all kinds of hypothetical but still
|
||
prolly finite eternity to work our shit out</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: who tf knows</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its not like you figure out who you are when
|
||
youre 23 and then the rest of ur whole life is just sittin back
|
||
watchin ur shit fall apart or not</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i mean maybe thats been it for u so far</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: haha. ouch.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i just dont think im anywhere near done
|
||
buildin those roxy self actualization train stops</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: who the fuck can say how many more i got
|
||
lined up</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: same goes for u</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: if youre willing to look at this life as more
|
||
than a cosmically pointless dead end failure that is</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i guess...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: there’s literally nothing to do but keep
|
||
moving forward.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i may as well not be a big fucking downer
|
||
about it if i don’t have to be.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: thats the spirit</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: weve got a million billion lifetimes ahead of
|
||
us john</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: u dont even KNOW all the ways u got left to
|
||
fuck up in!!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hows that for some inspiration??!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: it’s...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: it’s pretty fucking inspirational, roxy.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">They both smile, and it somehow felt more real
|
||
and warm than it was before. Maybe the cushion of years and lack of
|
||
pressure makes it so, but she doesn’t question it too closely. She
|
||
doesn’t want to go back to where she’d been with him, but knowing
|
||
they’d both been there, together, feels like enough.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: thank you for trusting me with this personal
|
||
stuff.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i know partly you were telling me all that to
|
||
kick my sadsack ass, but i know you don’t talk about this kind of
|
||
thing every day.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: to be real i hadnt even let myself think abt
|
||
it every day</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: so thanks for lettin me ramble at u out loud
|
||
instead of just almost thinkin abt it once every few years</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i guess sometimes it takes hearing the same
|
||
shit over and over until it sticks.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: that’s mostly an own on myself by the
|
||
way.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: lmao were just rippin off those bandaids left
|
||
n right over here</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: a coupla professional issue discussers</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: yeah, i’m frankly baffled by how fucking good
|
||
we are at this?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: where was this when we sucked so hard at
|
||
being married?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: buried under a shocking number of issues is
|
||
my guess</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: well, it’s nice to throw a few off, for
|
||
once.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: feel free to communicate with me instead of
|
||
spendin the next 300 years in a silent prison of your own making if
|
||
u so desire</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John nods, and as he opens his mouth to speak,
|
||
the door opens.</p>
|
||
<p>Harry Anderson looks at the two of them all teary and laughing
|
||
and hikes his bag higher on his shoulder, shifting his weight. Roxy
|
||
sees a muscle tighten in his jaw. Her beautiful, smart boy. She
|
||
wants to run over and hug him, to protect him from the possibility
|
||
of pain at talking to his father, but she doesn’t. She knows how
|
||
much he’s wanted this, no matter how much he jokes about it.</p>
|
||
<p>She looks back at John, and sees her own awe mirrored in his
|
||
face. She wills him not to cry, not to fall back on his
|
||
self-imposed suffering and blame loop. Something about the last
|
||
hour must have done the trick, though. John stands up, brushes his
|
||
hands on his jeans, and walks, back straight, toward his son.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: hey harry anderson.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: it’s really, really good to see you.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: do you wanna go for a drive?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">The muscle in Harry Anderson’s jaw clenches a
|
||
few more times, but when he smiles, it is genuine.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: yeah, dad.</p>
|
||
<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: that could be cool.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |