386 lines
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386 lines
20 KiB
HTML
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 5</title>
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<h1>Chapter 5</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: did you hear that john left his house?</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: multiple days in a row even!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO FUCKING WAY. THAT’S INCREDIBLE. I’VE
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NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SOMEONE LEAVING THEIR HOUSE? STOP THE
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FUCKING PRESSES.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: karkat....</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IS IT A SLOW NEWS DAY IN THE CONSORT
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KINGDOM OR SOMETHING?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade finishes pruning a dead bulb off her arum
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lily plant and flicks it at Karkat’s forehead. Then she politely
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pulls the blinds shut, because god forbid even a sliver of sunlight
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ever infect Dave and Karkat’s hive. Jade doesn’t live here,
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technically, but there’s domestic evidence of her all over the
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hive. Her plants, her bass, her clothes slung over the couch where
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she sleeps for weeks at a time...</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: im being serious dumpass</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: i was really worried about him!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M BEING SERIOUS TOO. I WAS ACTUALLY
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BEGINNING TO WONDER IF JOHN HAD DIED.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO
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ABOUT IT? IT’S NOT LIKE HE ANSWERS THE PHONE.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: well if you CARE so much then maybe dont
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respond with sarcasm when i tell you that hes getting better!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: guys its not a competition we were all
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worried about john</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: were we??</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: whens the last time either of you tried to
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hang out with him?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHEN’S THE LAST TIME EITHER OF US LEFT
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THE HIVE?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah shut ins living in glass hives shouldnt
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throw uh</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: actually if we lived in a glass hive way too
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much light would come in for karkats brutal photosensitivity
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issues</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so wed probably cover all the walls with
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like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: lots of curtains and sheets of thick
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fabric</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so i guess maybe we COULD throw stones?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like kinda small ones so that the fabric
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could easily absorb the momentum</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: also me and karkat would probably be too lazy
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to throw the stones that hard anyway</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so i think actually this scenario is pretty
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workable here</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: it provides for a certain threshold of
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allowable minimum hypocrisy</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: dave this sucks</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: no it doesnt</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: im giving thoughtful and critical
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consideration to a cliche which is long past due</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: a glass house with wall to wall curtains
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creates what im going to theorize as an incredibly important “self
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owning buffer”</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: this is a huge breakthrough and also its
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fucking science</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: you of all people should appreciate the work
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being done here</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: oh my GOD</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: i never thought id be thinking of you as my
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weird nerd friend by the time we were in our twenties</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah well i never thought youd be like the
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premiere woo girl on the planet</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: what are you even doing here with us</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dont you usually spend your weekends at 48
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hour interspecies raves or doing arctic expeditions with jake or
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whatever</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: those two things are not always mutually
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exclusive hehe</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UGH</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade floats over to the couch, shooting her
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two besties a salacious smile. She taps Karkat on the nose as she
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passes by.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: im just enjoying my youth</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: you could be enjoying it too hehehehe</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She retrieves one of her bras from where it’s
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hanging over the back of the couch. She starts changing it right
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there, doing that mystical sleight of hand girls seem to be born
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with the knowledge of, where the bra goes off and then on again
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without the shirt being removed. Jade doesn’t exactly have the best
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understanding of “interpersonal boundaries,” having been raised
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mostly by a dog, but still. It’s a weird, intimate, and
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uncomfortably close to sexual thing to be doing in front of other
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people. Dave and Karkat share a vaguely mortified look. Jade sort
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of lives here, but she doesn’t <em>that</em> sort of live here.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: but seriously.... what do you two even do
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holed up in here together all the time?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat snorts, still pointedly not looking at
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her.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH I’M SORRY, HAVE YOU NOT SEEN DAVE’S
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ILL BEGOTTEN ART EMPIRE?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HE’S GOT HIS OPPOSABLE DIGITS STUCK IN SO
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MANY DOUBLE-STACKED HUSKLOAFS THAT EVEN I DON’T KNOW ALL HIS PEN
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NAMES.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: ok so thats what dave does</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: what do YOU do??</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade puts her feet on the floor and pads over
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so she can sling her arms over the back of the couch and lay her
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cheek on the cushion. The look she gives Karkat is just shy of
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devious. Karkat defensively scuttles to the other end of the couch,
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where he ends up pressed flush against Dave’s entire left side.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I UH</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: sit around and play video games all day?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HEY! THAT’S NOT THE ONLY THING I DO!
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I’VE...</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DONE LAUNDRY.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: once or twice</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ALSO, WHAT HUMANS REFER TO AS
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“GROCERIES.”</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DO THE GROCERIES.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: thats not a fucking figure of speech man</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: you dont do the groceries you go out and buy
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them</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and even then you dont actually do that</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: LIKE FUCK I MPHUMPHLE...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave puts both hands over Karkat’s mouth and
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does a stage whisper over his shoulder.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: he means that he uses the alchemizer in the
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basement sometimes</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh and when hes in a bad mood hell go yell at
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trolls on the internet</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: not like trolls as in the troll species i
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mean</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: literal trolls who talk shit online</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno a bunch of them could be actual
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trolls i guess</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but not strictly</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DON’T FUCKING TELL HER ABOUT THAT.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave reaches around Karkat’s face to give him
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a gentle poke in the cheek. He keeps his finger there longer than
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strictly necessary, smiling the noticeably restrained smile
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characteristic of Striders. The expression is so warm and blatant
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that it can’t help but draw Jade’s attention. She frowns and pushes
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her glasses up the bridge of her nose, making some quick
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calculations in her head. They’re so obvious, she thinks, and yet
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here they are. Virginal losers who are performative about sitting
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exactly a foot apart whenever they’re in public. It’s so pathetic
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it makes her want to howl at the moon in sorrow.</p>
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<p>What she’s planning isn’t a seduction. It’s a public
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service.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: why not dude i think its cute</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: hes on all the major political sites of
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course but he spends most of his time going after people who leave
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abusive comments on my sweet bro and hella jeff posts</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like hes got a whole complex network of
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burner accounts and sockpuppets on my homepage set up for every
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possible scenario</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: jesus christ....</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its incredible hes driven at least ten people
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off the site by creating thinly veiled parody accounts of their
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usernames</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MY EXPLOITS ARE HEROIC. GO ABSOLUTELY
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FUCK YOURSELF.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: karkat shoosh</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: im so proud of you</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: couldnt have done better myself</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: well i mean i definitely could have but i
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have better things to do with my time</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THANK YOU DAVE. THAT WAS HEARTWARMING AND
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NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT EMBARRASSING. CONSIDER MY HONOR UNDENIABLY
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DEFENDED.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: actually karkat its more like youre the one
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defending HIS honor</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: thats sooooo cute.... a knight whiteknighting
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for another knight</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: dave its like karkats your adorable little
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house husband!!!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: uhhhh</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A HUSBAND?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: er</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave un-pokes his finger from Karkat’s cheek
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and tries to shimmy some space between them on the couch, but
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there’s nowhere to go. Karkat is sandwiched between him and Jade,
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who is reaching out to put two fingers of her own at the center of
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his chest. She bounces them there a few times, enjoying the way
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troll skin is just a bit thicker than human skin, taut like the
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membrane over a poorly maintained drum.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: a husband....</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She begins walking her fingers up the length
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of Karkat’s sternum. Karkat knows damned well what a husband is.
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He’s been force-fed enough bad movies from Dave to pick up any
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human euphemism you could name. He still plays dumb sometimes, for
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comedic effect, to irritate his friends, or simply to avoid a topic
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of conversation altogether. If he’d known it would only fan the
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flames of discussion in this case, he would have kept his mouth
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shut.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: a husband is a little like what you both do
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already</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: only with....... certain “benefits” :)</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Her fingers reach the hollow of Karkat’s
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throat just in time to catch him swallow. He starts to sweat.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WH... WHAT KIND OF BENEFITS</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: heheh dont play dumb karkat</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jade dude cmon</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: leave him alone</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade does not “come on.” She glides her
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fingers up under Karkat’s chin so that they can rest on his lips,
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which are a little chapped. It doesn’t take much work to pop them
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open and slide both fingers in.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: if youre really that clueless.... i can show
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you....</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat looks like an animal with its leg
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caught in a trap. Eyes flickering, breath getting shallow. His
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bottom lip is trembling where Jade is stroking it with her
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thumb.</p>
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<p>It would be pretty easy to mistake his reaction for arousal, so
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it’s understandable that Jade is extremely surprised when Karkat
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snaps his jaw shut and chomps down on her hand.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: OW!!!!</p>
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||
</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She flies back, literally, spiraling up
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towards the ceiling so fast that her skirt puffs up and she gets
|
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all tangled in her clothes for a few seconds. She clutches her
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||
wounded hand and glares daggers at Karkat, ears flat under her
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||
long, dark hair.</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="jade">JADE: karkat what the HELL!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL??</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU’RE SERIOUSLY ASKING *ME* WHAT THE
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||
*HELL*!?!?!?</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JADE, YOU WERE TRYING TO CHOKE ME TO
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||
DEATH WITH YOUR WEIRD, SOFT HUMAN FINGERS! WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO
|
||
DO? REACH INTO MY CHEST AND PULL OUT MY FUCKING PUMP BISCUIT FOR A
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||
MIDDAY SNACK?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IS THIS BECAUSE YOU’RE HALF BARKBEAST
|
||
NOW?</p>
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||
<p class="jade">JADE: NO!!!!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: i was FLIRTING you dummy!</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: oh my GOD you two really are hopeless!</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: why do i even WASTE my TIME???</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT’S A GOOD FUCKING QUESTION!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade is pissed, but not enough to leave.
|
||
Instead, she plops down on the opposite end of the couch and
|
||
petulantly crosses her arms. Karkat peels himself off Dave and
|
||
slumps into the dip between cushions while settling even more
|
||
deeply into one of his better-practiced pouts. Dave clears his
|
||
throat.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so apropos of nothing</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: just a cool segue into a completely different
|
||
topic for no reason</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade and Karkat both stare at him. He makes a
|
||
casual motion with his hand. A smooth wrist swivel, like he’s at a
|
||
turntable scratching one song into the next. That’s the effect he’s
|
||
going for, at least.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: did you guys hear that jane was gonna run for
|
||
high office</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO FUCKING WAY</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: oh wow</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU MEAN...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yep</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: the fucking presidency of earth c</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: i mean shes been positioning her megacorp and
|
||
stocks in a way that looked SUPER suspicious the last year or so,
|
||
so id wondered about it</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: but i didnt think shed actually do it!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: nah she was totally gonna pull the trigger on
|
||
it after all these years but decided against it at the last minute
|
||
for some reason</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THANK FUCKING GOD. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A
|
||
COMPLETE DISASTER.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i know right thats what i said when roxy told
|
||
me</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: especially for the economy</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: REALLY. THE ECONOMY. THAT’S WHAT YOU
|
||
THINK IS BAD ABOUT IT?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh yeah and the troll thing is bad too i
|
||
guess</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OK, SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOUR
|
||
PRIORITIES ARE: NUMBER ONE, THE ECONOMY, WHICH LET ME REMIND YOU IS
|
||
BUILT ENTIRELY ON INFINITE, FAKE MONEY THAT WE CAN MAKE AS MUCH OF
|
||
AS WE WANT.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NUMBER TWO, THE POTENTIAL GENOCIDE OF MY
|
||
PEOPLE.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok wow</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: lets like</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: slow our roll here</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: lets slow any roll that makes me seem more
|
||
xenophobic than i am ok</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHATEVER YOU SAY, DAVE “NOT XENOPHOBIC”
|
||
STRIDER.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats good</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: lets keep using the phrase not xenophobic in
|
||
sentences that contain my name</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SURE MAN. THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE
|
||
SOMETHING A XENOPHOBE SHITHEAD WOULD SAY AT ALL.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: look im not the bad guy here</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: jane is</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: or... was</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: until she decided not to run for
|
||
president</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: lets all just thank whichever christ was
|
||
responsible for making whatever decision resulted in her deciding
|
||
not to do that</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT, XENOPHOBE.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: no look</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ill be the first to say that jane is
|
||
xenophobic as fuck</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: im not</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like at ALL?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but she is</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OK DUDE</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but i dont think shed go so far as to commit
|
||
genocide</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats really exaggerating her faults</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like wed have to get pretty far away from the
|
||
people we were when we started all this for that to be a viable
|
||
outcome</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: hmmm</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: well i hope she gets a better hobby</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: there are a lot of less ominous things she
|
||
could do with her time</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT, LIKE FUCKING HER WAY THROUGH HALF
|
||
THE POPULATION OF EARTH C?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade pinches his ear and twists hard, smiling
|
||
pleasantly.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: get fucked karkat</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |