306 lines
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306 lines
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 7</title>
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<div id='s7'></div>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 7</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<p class="no-indent"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">J</span>ohn’s been
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spending a lot of time with Roxy lately. Which also means spending
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a lot of time with Calliope, which is awkward, but fine. But it
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also means spending a lot of time with Gamzee, which is awkward,
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and not even remotely fine.</p>
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<p>John, Roxy, and Calliope are taking a stroll through downtown
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New Prospit. Gamzee’s here too, a couple feet behind John, doing
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essentially the same thing that the other three are doing. Which is
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walking at a leisurely pace, but he’s being so weird about it that
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you can’t really call it strolling. It’s more like he’s... holding
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court, while somehow remaining in motion. Ever since he popped out
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of that fridge smelling like a sweaty foot, he’s been all “wise”
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and “sage-like.” John considers that if he were using these two
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descriptors out loud, he’d make air quotes while saying them. He’d
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then say Gamzee’s acting almost like a “priest,” which is a word he
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would also make air-quotes around, due to how insanely full of shit
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John still believes him to be.</p>
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<p>Roxy and Calliope, however, apparently do not believe him to be
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full of shit, for some reason.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: isn’t that nice?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: huh?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Gamzee is leading a line of adoring
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carapacians trailing behind him, telling them stupid, fake-zen
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stuff like “YoU GoTtA sToP tO sMeLl ThE sEeD fRoNdS mY dUdEs.” Not
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to be speciesist or anything, but the sight is kind of worrying
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because John knows all too well how susceptible carapacians are to
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grassroots populism. He has it on good authority that virtually any
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schmuck can blunder into a crowd of them, say a few inspirational
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words, and incite revolutionary fervor amongst the masses. John
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tries his best to ignore it and walk ahead, but Roxy loops her arm
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through his and pulls him back.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: were here check it</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: where’s here?</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: me n callies fave cafe!!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">It’s a nice place. Big, oval windows, flowers
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on all the tables. It’s got a French-ish aesthetic. John says “ish”
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because everything on Earth C is sort of “ish.” “Alternian-ish,”
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“Derse-ish,” “Japanese-ish.” He’d even describe the sky as being
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kind of “blue-ish.” Sometimes, it’s more turquoise than anything.
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Too crisp and bright, like the old Earth’s sky as seen through a
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pair of tinted novelty glasses.</p>
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<p>John doesn’t mean to be cynical about it, but he guesses that’s
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just the mood he’s in. Maybe it has something to do with the fact
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that Calliope insisted on including an unbelievably smelly clown on
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an otherwise perfectly pleasant stroll.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="john">JOHN: that’s it? we’re going to a coffee shop?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i got out of bed for THIS?</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: lmao</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh john ur so FUNNY</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: no seriously roxy i just...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i mean, i feel like i haven’t left my house
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in years, and with all the stuff that’s been going on, like rose’s
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illness, or that stuff about the “political situation,” is it
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really a good idea for us to be having picnics and going out to
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coffee shops?</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh john, don’t worry so mUch aboUt
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things that yoU have no control over.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: like i said the other day, it’s time
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for Us to leave Ugly things behind Us.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea for real john cant u just enjoy what a
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beautiful day it is</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i know IM enjoyin it</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: since i get to spend it with u like ive
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always been wanting</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: you... you have?</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: yeah duh</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She tugs him against her side and rests her
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head on his shoulder. She’s a bit taller than him in her nice
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shoes, so it’s kind of awkward. Feels uncomfortable to him, and
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looks more so for her. But he’s enjoying the attention. Sort of. He
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missed her, the way she used to be, when the two of them were close
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as kids. She’s laying it on a little thick for his benefit right
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now, and while he can appreciate that, it can be difficult to
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rekindle a friendship after it’s gone cold for a while. John wishes
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the rekindling period would hurry up and end already so they can
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just go back to shooting the shit like normal.</p>
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<p>Roxy drags him into the cafe. Calliope doesn’t follow them in,
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for reasons he can only guess at. He catches a glimpse of her
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through the window: a little forlorn, Gamzee at her side like a
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faithful dog. He can’t hear what they’re saying.</p>
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<p>Outside, Calliope clasps her hands and directs a wistful
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expression through the cafe window, foot traffic splitting lazily
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around her and Gamzee as they stand in the busy street. At high
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noon, her little body casts almost no shadow on the cobblestone
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road.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: sigh.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: WhAt’S sHaKiN sIs, YoU lOoK bUmMeD aLl
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ThE fUcK oUt.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: HoW cAn YoU bE fEeLiNg DoWn WhEn We Be
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GeTtIn AlL rEdEeMeD aNd ShIt Up In HeRe?</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh, it’s jUst...</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: can’t yoU see what’s happening with
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roxy and john?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Gamzee stares through the window. Roxy is
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leaning across the table to dab at the corner of John’s mouth with
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a napkin. John looks very confused, because they aren’t actually
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eating anything yet. Gamzee stares at this for a very long time,
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his mouth lolling open as he contemplates what is transpiring with
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the closest facsimile to wisdom he can muster. He puts one of his
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huge hands on Calliope’s narrow shoulder, all comforting-like.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: Oh YeAh. FoR sUrE yOuR gIrL rOxY iS aLl
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GlObEs DeEp iN tHaT dUdE’s DaNk NoOk.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: yes. and while i can’t say i didn’t
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see this coming...</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: it’s all happening so fast. I thoUght
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for sUre i’d have more time with her.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: wOuLd A mOtHeRfUcKeR lIkE mE tO...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Gamzee leans in so that his face is level with
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Calliope’s. His grin shows every single one of his teeth.
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Miraculously, his breath smells worse than his body.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: MOTHERFUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?
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>:o)</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: no!</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: gamzee, no, please! it’s fine.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i might be sad, bUt john has made his
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choice, and we mUst all live with the repercUssions of that.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i’m sUre that roxy will be very happy
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with him.</p>
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<p class="calliope">CALLIOPE: we’re all going to be very, very
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happy. I trUly believe that. ^u^</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Calliope walks away, looking somewhat less
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than very, very happy. Gamzee remains standing in front of the
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cafe, still not entirely convinced that he shouldn’t motherfucking
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do something about it.</p>
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<p>John notices him there, just outside the window, leering at him
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and Roxy. His expression is serene, vacant. Calliope is nowhere to
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be seen.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="john">JOHN: um, hey roxy...</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: wats up</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: gamzee. he’s staring at us, and it’s kind of
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creeping me out.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea dont worry about that he gets stuck like
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that sometimes</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: stuck?</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: all wonked out and shit</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i think hes got brain damage from being a
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burnout its so sad</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: ...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: is it?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Roxy takes a sip of her tea. Her purple
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lipstick leaves a stain on the fine china.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: yeah john its totes sad</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: he never had a chance with the kinda life he
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had</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: wat a tragic misunderstood figure :’(</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Roxy sighs and spears the cherry atop her
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cheesecake with the absurdly tiny dessert fork it was served with.
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She pops it in her mouth with a pouty little lip pop, staring
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directly at John with her eyes half-lidded. He thinks she might be
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trying to be sexy, but he’s a bit distracted by the sight of Gamzee
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lumbering into the cafe with all the grace of an aubergine
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sasquatch sporting an epic erection. He puts both hands on the back
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of Roxy’s chair and looms over her. Without breaking eye contact
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with John, Roxy scoops up a spoonful of cheesecake and feeds it to
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him.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: HeY rOxItA.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: hey gamz whats shakin</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: CaLlIE wEnT aLl RuNnInG oFf, UgH.</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: aww</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: hope shes feelin alright</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: ShE’s MoThErFuCkIn FiNe, ShE sAiD sOmE
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nOiSe AbOuT cAuSe Of WhAt JoHn DiD, wE’rE aLl GoNnA bE oNe HaPpY
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fAmIlY oF fUcKiN nInJaS fOr MoThErFuCkIn EvEr. :o)</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: what?</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: heheheh</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: gamzee ur one silly dude</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: tbh pretty psyched to see you goin through
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all this redemption shit</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i bet you gonna make a baller part of our
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greater ensemble if ur given the chance</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John attempts to furtively gesture his
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disapproval with the entire situation toward Roxy by vaguely
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swiping his neck in a horizontal direction with his fingers, but
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she doesn’t notice. Instead she puts her fork down, slides her
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chair out, and springs to her feet with an abundance of this
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newfound enthusiasm he’s been struggling to understand.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: brb!</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: gonna hit the ladies room</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: back in a jiff suckers</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: um, alright.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John and the date’s repulsive third wheel
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watch as she scurries to the back of the establishment. The moment
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the door to the bathroom closes, Gamzee lumbers into a sitting
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position across the table from John, without the slightest
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deviation in his heinously awkward comportment. He puts his
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forearms on the table in front of him, folds his hands, and gazes
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into John’s eyes with what he has come to identify as Gamzee’s
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signature brand of faux serenity.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: mY fUcKiN *gUy*. :o)</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: ...</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: My DuDe AnD mY nInJa AlIkE.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: mY *hOrN* dOoOoG.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: ...</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: mY hOrN tO tHa MoThErFuCkIn DoG. ;o)</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: waiter! help!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John desperately waves to attract some
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service, in the hopes that it will provide a social buffer for the
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appalling interaction that is presently taking place. But no
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carapacians seem to be close enough to heed his request.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: I SeE WhAt’s fUcKiN Up, My gOoD
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VeRtEbRoThEr.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: AlLs aBoUt i cAn sAy iS GaMe rEcOgNiZe
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mOtHeRfUcKiN GaMe.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: YoU GoT No sEcReTs fRoM ThIs
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mOtHeRfUcKeR, eGg bOy.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: A MaN StAyS LoCkEd iN AnOtHeR MaN’S
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HuNgEr tRuNk lOnG EnOuGh aIn’t gOt mUcH LeFt tO FuCkIn hIdE FrOm
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oNe aNoThEr.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: actually, that wasn’t even my fridge. it was
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jane’s. i mean... we’ve basically got the same fri—</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: ShUt tHe fUcK Up.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: I’M GeTtInG ReAl aT A MoThErFuCkEr rIgHt
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nOw.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: I BeEn rEdEeMeD Yo. I SaId mY SoRrIeS AnD
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ReDeEmEd tHe sHiT OuT Of mYsElF, dIdN’T YoU SeE?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: uh... yeah.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: So iT’S InCuMbEnT On a mOtHeRfUcKeR To
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*SpReAd tHe rEdEmPtIoN*.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: YoU ShOuLd gEt yOuR ReDeMpTiOn oN ToO, mY
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ChOiCeSt oF DuDeS.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: My dAnKeSt oF DoGs.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: SeE, a mOtHeRfUcKeR *kNoWs*.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: YoU GoT ThIs bItCh oN A RoPe, It’s tImE
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To pUlL HeR InTo yOuR TeNt.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: I CaN SmElL It oN YoU, bRoThEr. YoU’Ve
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wAsTeD YeArS LeTtInG ThIs pReMiUm hO SlIp tHrOuGh yOuR FiNgErS.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: LeSs fUcKiN CoNsCiOnAbLe tHaN AnY CrUdE
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StUnT I PuLlEd iN My dAy, I MuSt tElL YoU.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: A CaPiTaL MoThErFuCkIn cRiMe tO Be
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sQuAnDeRiNg eArTh pUsSy lIkE ThAt.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: holy shit?</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: BuT Im aLl gEtTiN YoUr bAcK HeRe,
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BrO.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: I CaN Be yOuR WiNg mAn iN ThIs cArNaL
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FuCkIn cApEr.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: I CaN HeLp a lItTlE BiTcH LiKe yOu
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rOmAnTiCaLlY *rEdEeM* hIs sOrRy aSs.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: LeT A MoThErFuCkEr hElP A MoThErFuCkEr
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oUt.</p>
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: HeR PoPcOrN SkIlLeT’S PiPiNg hOt fOr yOu
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aLrEaDy. YoU JuSt nEeD A TiGhT AnD LoYaL BoY LiKe mE To sTaRt
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sHoVeLiNg iN ThE CoRn. :o)</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Thinking it unwise to break eye contact with
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this lunatic, John nods very slowly as he listens, while taking a
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secret snap of his ghoulish face to send to Terezi. Before John
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submits, he tags the photo with a message:</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="john">JOHN: i absolutely fucking hate this.</p>
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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</body>
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</html> |