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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat - Chapter 32</title>
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<h1>Chapter 32</h1>
|
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">R</span>oxy is
|
||
nervously dialing rose’s number repeatedly. then they try kanaya.
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||
considering rose’s failing health, roxy hates to bother her, but
|
||
they aren’t sure who else to call regarding jade’s unexpected
|
||
trance. their finger hovers over dirks number for a moment, but...
|
||
no. that would not be a good idea. they don’t know why they
|
||
suddenly think it’s a bad idea. it just is.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">roxy’s anxiety fills up the room, like a
|
||
bell struck in an empty hall. their thoughts, usually so quiet,
|
||
invisible to those observing from the vantage of a higher textual
|
||
plane, now chime loudly in the presence of a black hole. or rather,
|
||
in the presence of a proxy for such a vortex of pure void. a proxy
|
||
such as jade’s mind, at the moment.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">jade floats over the couch in a sitting
|
||
position, an inch above the cushions. her long hair billows around
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||
her, her hands crossed in her lap. her black eyes bore into the
|
||
nothingness, looking beyond the wall she faces, and beyond
|
||
everything past it, through the very fabric of narrative itself.
|
||
they scan the ciliary veins of pacing, motivation, foreshadowing,
|
||
irony—a continuum that has been upended by the prince’s
|
||
interference.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">rose still does not pick up.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">roxy resigns themself to a confidant of
|
||
last resort. their reluctance is not due to lack of fondness. their
|
||
conversations with dave simply have a reliable habit of straying
|
||
far from the desired topic for extended periods of time. he picks
|
||
up on the third ring.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yo</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: love to chat but im kinda in the middle of
|
||
something</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yo yourself but this is important</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: uhhh</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: more important than salvaging the global
|
||
economy from potential disaster??</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: sounds hugely unlikely</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave is currently making his way
|
||
through the backlot of the new cantown memorial stadium, following
|
||
jake as he heads toward the podium. he is scheduled to give a
|
||
speech announcing his official endorsement of karkat vantas in his
|
||
bid for the presidency.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: idk about that</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: in terms of scale and relativity and stuff
|
||
maybe not</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its actually kinda hard to tell</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i guess in the grand scheme of things</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: shes just takin a sort of nap</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but its one HELL of a nap bro</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: a nap you say</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: well this changes the fuck out of
|
||
everything</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea??</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: nah</p>
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||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">it’s a balmy, windless evening
|
||
on dave’s end. the gathered crowd is relaxed by the warmth. many of
|
||
them partake in the pleasure of a cool treat, such as earth “iced”
|
||
cream.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Jesus fuck, this is
|
||
excruciating.</span></p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">it isn’t. <span class="dirk type-bs type-hs-bottom">Yeah it is.</span> no. it is not.
|
||
<span class="dirk type-bs type-hs-bottom">Okay. Whatever the
|
||
fuck you say.</span></p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">the audience is large and diverse. mostly
|
||
trolls and carapacians, but it is dotted with representation from
|
||
the human and consort kingdoms as well. a lopsided distribution,
|
||
certainly, but the very model of diversity compared to the crowds
|
||
of his opponent. it is a true inspiration to all those who have
|
||
placed their faith in the vantas ticket.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Lord save me from this fake woke
|
||
nightmare.</span> <span class="calliope-dead">be quiet.</span>
|
||
<span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">No.</span> <span class="calliope-dead">yes.</span> <span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Let me fucking say stuff again.</span>
|
||
<span class="calliope-dead">no.</span></p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave stops walking, and cups a
|
||
hand around his phone in order to hear roxy over the chatter of the
|
||
crowd. karkat shoots him a curious look, but dave waves at him in a
|
||
manner which signals to karkat that he should attempt to stall.</p>
|
||
<p>You want to keep shutting me down? Fine. But check THIS shit
|
||
out.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: lmao dirk just texted me about this</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: somehow he found out about jade did u tell
|
||
him</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: uh no</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: he just said make sure she gets lotsa
|
||
daylight</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: that itll help with the “exorcism she
|
||
needs”.....</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and also to say hi to calliope for some
|
||
fuckin reason??</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats weird</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: since when does he give a fuck about them</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: idk</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: guess ill just open the damn curtains and let
|
||
some light in here</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: he usually knows stuff about weird things</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so whats wrong with her again</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: some sort of demonic nap</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ok i wouldnt say shes NAPPING per se</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: shes just like</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: floatin here... upright</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: eyes wide open</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and theyre both pitch black</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh so she saw one of my latest sbahj campaign
|
||
ads</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: lol</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: no dude</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: like what im sayin is</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: she looks a lil possessed</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: by uh</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: grim spirits n shit</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: is she fucking grimbark again</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: no!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: this isnt grimbark</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i KNOW what grimbark is dave this aint it</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: it seems more serious tbh??</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: like existing in some transformative state
|
||
that isnt a literal fuckin joke</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok yeah this does sound pretty bad</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but its not really my field</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: did you try calling rose</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea that was totes my original plan</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: like no offense ur not #1 on my speed dial
|
||
when it comes to this kinda thing</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but rose isnt picking up</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: probly on account of ailments to be fair</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i called an unruly number of times</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and kan wasnt picking up either so...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: huh</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: spooky</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hella spooky</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: somethin about all this seems wrong</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah i guess</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what do you think is up</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: idk</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i feel like theres something movin just out
|
||
the corner of my vision but every time i turn to look at it</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its gone</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its givin me chills rn like im being
|
||
watched</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: well im no fucking ace detective</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: or some gumshoe flatfoot dicking up the place
|
||
suckin hard on my sherlock pipe like some sleuth of the fucking
|
||
year</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dave</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but maybe we should consider the possibility
|
||
that you are literally being watched</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ..............</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway can we hold that wise and rad thought
|
||
i just had</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i gotta give karkat some emotional
|
||
support</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: since gettin jake on our side was a pretty
|
||
huge fucking bonanza for us</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: which has almost equal probability of winning
|
||
us the election as it does blowing up in our faces depending on
|
||
this speech he gives</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so we gotta like</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: concentrate here?????</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: instead of jerking each other off all god
|
||
damned day for the rest of our lives</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: (im just joking we dont actually do that)</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">roxy clutches a hand around
|
||
their knee, nails digging into their pants. they feel uneasy about
|
||
jake’s sudden lack of neutrality in this political matter. they
|
||
have never been certain that it is appropriate for any of them to
|
||
be involved with the structures of power and governance in a world
|
||
they created, and in which they have been regarded as gods since
|
||
they first appeared.</p>
|
||
<p>Really? That’s what she thinks? Huh. Couldn’t for the life of me
|
||
read what was going on inside her head. But this is very
|
||
interesting, actually.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">their thoughts are of no concern
|
||
to you. also, the pronoun they use is “they.” try to respect
|
||
it.</p>
|
||
<p>How can I respect a fucking pronoun when nobody can even hear
|
||
me? How about we call a truce and end this petty feud. This is your
|
||
one and only chance to accept.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">no.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: jakes on ur side then?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: wasnt that hard to convince him after your
|
||
girl j crock started slut shaming him on public access</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: god dammit jane</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so i take it jade didnt convert you to our
|
||
cause before going into her gothic trance fugue or whatever</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: siiigh</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i just want this whole stupid political thing
|
||
over n done with tbh</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i hate watchin u guys tear each other apart
|
||
in the news</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah sorry about that</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: sorry its making you feel bad i mean</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: not sorry that were doin it</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: itd be an unconscionably lame move to put
|
||
something on a billboard that i didnt 100% stand by</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but that sounds suspiciously like something
|
||
jane would do</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: aka the bad guy in this situation</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like objectively speaking</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ugh pls dont start</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: just sayin</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: idgAF!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: also</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: aside from how vehemently i disagree with
|
||
every detail in janes shitty platform</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i also think</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: karkats the right guy for the job</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: full stop</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">despite their mixed feelings on
|
||
the election, and the troubling sight of jade’s wide, black eyes
|
||
glaring intensely at nothing at all, roxy smiles at what they hear
|
||
from dave. the way he talks about karkat reminds roxy of the way
|
||
calliope looks when they call them beautiful.</p>
|
||
<p>Oh, so she really does think Calliope is beautiful? Like, she
|
||
wasn’t just saying that to be nice? Fascinating.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">yes, is the resounding answer.
|
||
calliope <em>is</em> beautiful, roxy thinks. and furthermore, they
|
||
think they should be reminded of this fact every day.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Lol.</span></p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: you rly believe in him dont u</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: of course i do</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: because i...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Love him? Come on, man. Just say
|
||
it.</span></p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">roxy listens for a moment after
|
||
he trails off. they do not speculate or comment on his feelings
|
||
toward karkat, because it is none of their business.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Pussies. I’m surrounded by fucking
|
||
pussies.</span></p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hey before you jet can i ask you another
|
||
question</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: theres somethin else ive been meanin to ask u
|
||
about for a while</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: uh alright shoot</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">they take a deep breath.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea soooo</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dave how did you come out</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: like as not being straight</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: howd you couch that to ppl w/o them freakin
|
||
out or being awkward around u</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: do u think its ever too late to</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: idk</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: change ur mind?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: about the person you wanna be??</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: like is there a some point of no return you
|
||
can cross where everyone is waitin for u to have a big ass
|
||
revelation about your internal character</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but its like “dude no u already used up all
|
||
ur gay capital when u started datefriend cohabitating w a cute as
|
||
hell skeleton alien”</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and anything after that ur just gettin
|
||
greedy</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: is greedy even the right word</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: greedy for droppin bombshells</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: bout gender identities and sexual
|
||
preferences</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: or ids n preffies as i like to call em ;)</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ids n preffies</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: damn</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats fucking good</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave thinks on the question.
|
||
it’s one he’d considered years ago, and many times since. how long
|
||
can one stall on a confession before it feels like it’s too late?
|
||
the last seven years have passed by in fits and starts, in this
|
||
regard. he thought he had it all figured out when he was sixteen.
|
||
and then again when he was eighteen. and then at twenty. and
|
||
now...</p>
|
||
<p>That’s because he needs me. He’s suffering without my guidance.
|
||
If only you’d stop being so cruel and let me help.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway uh</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats a pretty deep question considering all
|
||
the shit we have going on right now</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yeah ur right</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: now is probs not the best time for a feels
|
||
jam</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: especially with the creepy jade situation
|
||
happening on my couch here</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno if id worry too much about that</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: jade goes into trances literally all the
|
||
time</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: she fucking loves sleeping</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: youd think someone who spent so much of her
|
||
life locked in a state of dubiously consensual slumber would wanna
|
||
get as few zees as possible in her adult life but not jade</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ive never known anyone who hits the snooze
|
||
button more times in a row than her</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: if youre that worried take her to a
|
||
hospital</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: im thinkin about it!!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: not even sure if i wanna like</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: mess with her tho?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: how would i even take her there...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok well while you ponder whether you wanna
|
||
dump jade in a wheelbarrow and trundle her groggy spooked-up ass to
|
||
the hospital</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: in the meantime ill rap at you about my
|
||
epiphany concerning the desire to bone some dudes</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: probably not a literal rap though</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wow im disappointed</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean i could TOTALLY rap about wanting to
|
||
bone dudes if i wanted?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: im just on the fuckin clock here and theres
|
||
lots of people lookin at me</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: :(</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave, suddenly self-conscious,
|
||
slips around the corner of the stadium, so he can non-literally rap
|
||
at roxy about delicate human lgbt issues. he also maneuvers away
|
||
from the impatient, strained looks karkat has been shooting him
|
||
repeatedly during his phone call. luckily, jake has begun a
|
||
performance of his signature booty-bumping charleston for the
|
||
crowd’s entertainment, so they will be satiated for another few
|
||
minutes.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok so</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what ive learned is</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: coming to terms with all this bullshit is a
|
||
thing you sort of do in stages</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like stage one is you making jokes about how
|
||
sweaty dudes standing close together in tv shows seems really
|
||
gay</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: stage two is making jokes about that and not
|
||
immediately adding no homo afterward</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: stage three is flirting with all your male
|
||
friends ironically and not even thinking about adding no homo
|
||
afterward because youre so fuckin woke and secure in your ironclad
|
||
straight masculinity that you dont have anything to prove to
|
||
anybody anymore</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: or thats just what you say out loud</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: inside you start being like</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh shit</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: maybe yes homo</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: stage four is freaking out about that and
|
||
putting the no homo back on all your statements even objectively
|
||
heterosexual ones which just stupidly makes everything you say
|
||
sound extra gay</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: stage five is</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: actually wait the next few stages are various
|
||
permutations of the same thing that i already described</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: it starts being like a gay fractal</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway eventually you arrive at like stage
|
||
nine</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: which is reminding everyone who will listen
|
||
that youre gay minimum six times a day</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: in really lame ways like</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh cool dude are you making hot pockets</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: better make mine a gay hot pocket</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: cause im a gay homosexual who only consumes
|
||
homo ass snacks delivered right to my mouth by a big queer
|
||
butler</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: servin it right up on his huge gay dick</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but that all only applies to the extent which
|
||
i am technically gay</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: which in my case is only about maybe 30% to
|
||
70%</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so only cook 30% to 70% of my gay hot
|
||
pocket</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: cause you know straights are fucking animals
|
||
who never defrost their pepperoni</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: and i gotta rep for that like 50%
|
||
straightness still lurking inside me like the idiot who fell asleep
|
||
in the shopping mall when it was closing for the night</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so now theres just this straight dude locked
|
||
in a dark fucking mall for some stupid reason haunting the place
|
||
like a cryptid and rummaging through the trash in the food
|
||
court</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: also just in case janes opposition research
|
||
is listening in on their illegal wiretap i know the word bisexual
|
||
exists btw im just choosing not to use it in service of spitting
|
||
some fuckin chuckle jokes here so lets all calm down and not let
|
||
this one become a distressingly literal federal issue</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway when all is said and done</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: you eat a half cooked hot pocket because all
|
||
your roommates think the height of humor is taking what was
|
||
obviously an improvisational riff at unironic face value to punk
|
||
you</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dave...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: nm</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i was gonna ask you why ur like this</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: then i remembered about how ur half me and
|
||
half dirk</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah it really is crazy how those dope late
|
||
game familial reveals actually did explain everything</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: so whats stage ten</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: stage ten is uhhhhhhhh</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave peeks around the corner so
|
||
he can gaze fondly at karkat. he thinks about stage ten. he
|
||
considers that in many ways, it’s as difficult as stage one. and
|
||
yet there is something fragile and lovely about it as well. this is
|
||
how he feels as he reflects upon the peculiar state of limbo he is
|
||
in with the person he likes most in the world. he believes he could
|
||
spend forever with him, in any configuration, any type of
|
||
relationship, under any conditions of confusion or clarity.</p>
|
||
<p>What would the point of that be? Endless floundering incel
|
||
limbo? Christ. I’d put them both out of their misery before I let
|
||
that happen. I need to get back in action. This is a fucking
|
||
crisis. Do you have any idea what sort of atrocity you’re enabling
|
||
by allowing this to continue? I’ve been called many things. But
|
||
even my harshest critics would never accuse me of such cruelty.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">for roxy, it is more
|
||
complicated. the conversation has unearthed more questions than
|
||
answers. they run a hand through their hair. it’s cut short, but
|
||
with great care to convey gender neutrality. they wonder what
|
||
gender neutrality even is when applied to a haircut. an excellent
|
||
question, particularly for those of us unfamiliar with hair
|
||
altogether. what about length and functionality implies gender or
|
||
sex on a world where such oppositional hierarchies don’t exist, and
|
||
presentation is culturally vestigial?</p>
|
||
<p>Dear God. Can we not do this? I can’t sit through any more
|
||
gender chat. It feels inappropriate. Horrendously invasive of
|
||
Roxy’s deepest personal thoughts. Can we just leave her inner
|
||
monologue the fuck alone when it comes to this stuff? Is NOTHING
|
||
sacred? I’m about to fucking flip. You can’t keep me down forever.
|
||
I’ve got a trick up my sleeve, you’ll see.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">the prince’s tricks mean
|
||
nothing, and his barely detectable crumbs of impotent discourse
|
||
shall continue utterly unheeded.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">roxy wonders if this is truly their end
|
||
point. a haircut that implies nothing at all. an empty statement
|
||
about a facet of their identity that they barely understand at all.
|
||
perhaps in time, they will want to go even further than this?
|
||
perhaps it is just a stepping-stone to a more potent understanding
|
||
of their gradual gender transformation. how would calliope feel
|
||
about that? what is it that calliope themself understands or cares
|
||
about gender?</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The Prince opens his fucking mouth, and just
|
||
literally starts SAYING SHIT, out loud, because he doesn’t think he
|
||
can take another fucking second listening to a pompous alien virgin
|
||
monologuing about gender.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">it seems the prince finds the
|
||
rules confining his influence to be a bit unfair, and has resorted
|
||
to throwing one of his more petulant “human tanties” in order to
|
||
compensate for his feelings of disempowerment. while the strategy
|
||
he is resorting to has moderate value as an amusement and a
|
||
nuisance, it will ultimately be of no consequence whatsoever.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: No consequence, my ass. You may be able to
|
||
suppress what I do with my mind, but you have no control over my
|
||
mouth. I’m nobody’s fucking puppet.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: And you don’t even know my friends. They’re
|
||
not yours to toy with.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: They’re mine.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">whatever you say.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Do you even know where I am right now?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Do you have the <em>slightest</em> idea what
|
||
I’m up to?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">the prince is laboring under the
|
||
delusion that he has been the least bit subtle in his intentions.
|
||
he currently stands beneath the carapacian bell tower, poised to
|
||
climb to the top. he holds the long, red sniper rifle that once
|
||
belonged to roxy, brandishing it openly and boldly. he seems
|
||
mysteriously oblivious to the fact that holding a long rifle in
|
||
broad daylight somewhat tips one to the fact that he soon intends
|
||
to shoot someone from a great distance. he also seems unaware of
|
||
the fact that i know perfectly well that the top of this tower has
|
||
a clear, long-range view of the stadium, allowing any competent
|
||
sniper a clear shot of whoever happens to be standing at the podium
|
||
as they give a speech. as jake english is about to do.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">he also doesn’t seem to realize i have
|
||
anticipated his attempt to assassinate his own friend in order to
|
||
advance his political goals, and that i am prepared to take
|
||
measures which make this impossible.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Yeah, well. Try and stop me then.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I fucking dare you.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Here I go. I’m walking up the tower stairs
|
||
now.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Walk, walk, walk. Ah, the exercise feels
|
||
good.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">the prince’s shoes suddenly feel
|
||
quite heavy. his calf and thigh muscles, impressively powerful
|
||
though they are, increasingly struggle to lift his feet with each
|
||
step. this is going to be quite the onerous climb. he’s not sure if
|
||
he can make it all the way before the end of the speech. thoughts
|
||
flash through his mind, thoughts of giving up and retiring to his
|
||
sad little robotics lab so he can continue with his true passion:
|
||
the ongoing corruption of his cerebrally impaired daughter.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Argh. Wow, yeah.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You’re right. My feet are definitely getting
|
||
heavy.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: But the Dead Cherub tragically underestimates
|
||
the Prince’s determination. He powers the fuck through it. See?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Stomp, stomp, stomp. Up the stairs he goes.
|
||
No fucking sweat.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Oh also, did he mention? He can fucking fly,
|
||
so there’s that.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He decides to take flight and cut to the
|
||
chase. He whips up the hollow vertical shaft at the center of the
|
||
spiraling tower stairs. Life in the fast lane kicks ass, it turns
|
||
out.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He can practically taste the top of the
|
||
tower.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">but suddenly, the bell at the
|
||
top, notorious among locals for its state of disrepair, becomes
|
||
dislodged from its fixture with a loud crack. the huge, multiton
|
||
bell plummets, crushing the surrounding staircases in its wake as
|
||
it careens toward a young man consumed by hubris.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The Prince busts out his sword and makes
|
||
short work of that big old bell.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The slicing is accompanied by the
|
||
ear-shattering melodic sounds of metal being cleaved apart by an
|
||
anime sword, as the Prince nimbly avoids the sharp pieces and
|
||
ricocheting stair debris.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He wonders out loud, “what is this, amateur
|
||
hour”?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The Dead Cherub then humorlessly narrates,
|
||
“why, yes. yes mr. strider, it IS amateur hour. and i’m the amateur
|
||
here, for throwing a huge bell at you. i would like to humbly
|
||
apologize for my amateurism.”</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">no i don’t.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Sure you do.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">this foolishness is interrupted
|
||
as we resume listening to a conversation which we are all
|
||
considerably more invested in than catering to the inconsequential
|
||
flailing of a grown man who fancies himself an earth ninja.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: well lets just say internalized whatevers are
|
||
kind of like an onion</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: theres lots of layers</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: they suck on pizza</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: and trolls have to get their stomach pumped
|
||
if they eat them</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: this goes for gender stuff too btw</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: which i kinda get the feeling is what you
|
||
were actually asking about</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wow am i rly that transparent?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: nah but as previously discussed youre a lot
|
||
like me</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so it was pretty easy to figure out what you
|
||
were getting at</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i dont got ur poker face tho</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but im workin on that!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: maybe ill get a sick pair of shades too</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh DOPE</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah thats dope i support that idea</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave’s endorsement of roxy’s
|
||
fashion proposal is cut short by his concern regarding another key
|
||
endorsement he’s involved with. he turns his head to see jake
|
||
nearing the podium as karkat manically taps his wrist in dave’s
|
||
direction. something is off here. a dark feeling brewing in his
|
||
intuition, which he decides to monitor as he wraps up his call with
|
||
roxy.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I’m on top of the tower now. I’ve got my long
|
||
sniper rifle ready and everything.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I check to see if it’s loaded. It is. I get
|
||
in the PERFECT spot for taking aim at this hunky imbecile who’s
|
||
about to give a speech.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway i dont think any of our friends are
|
||
gonna hold your feet to the flames over dumb shit like this</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: and its not like anyone else is gonna care
|
||
since we definitely forgot to program hating gays and women into
|
||
earth c</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: humans are all jacked up on hating xenophiles
|
||
now</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: which sucks a lot too dont get me wrong</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: btw did you know janes a xenophobe</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dave!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok ok</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so does all this mean i gotta call you dad
|
||
now or what</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wat</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean thats what were talkin about right</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: well first of all</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: do u still even make a habit of callin me
|
||
mom??</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i thought u kinda stopped that</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: even if it was effin cute</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh yeah i guess i did</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but i could start again</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but not if it means id have to go to fucking
|
||
gender jail or something</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like what i mean is i could start that cute
|
||
shit again but switch to dad</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ok but SECOND of all</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i would never want to deprive dirk of that
|
||
noble honorific</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ugh no way</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hahaha yeah way hes ya daddy dude!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: aw fuck noooo</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: wow man</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i would never call him that</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean i know its true but i just
|
||
wouldnt...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: wait</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: what</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: something feels</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: wrong</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ???</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like some shits about to go down</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: and i gotta...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave’s unsettled feeling is
|
||
correct. he senses jake is in danger. no, he knows it. there is
|
||
about to be an assassination attempt. karkat must be protected. and
|
||
jake, the intended target, must be obscured from a sniper’s
|
||
path.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: karkat! dude!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: GET DOWN!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT?????</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">there is no time. dave takes
|
||
flight. he swoops karkat off the stage and around the corner, out
|
||
of view. he urges him to stay down and stay put. dave flashes back
|
||
to the podium and steps in front of jake, who appears nonplussed.
|
||
dave puts his hand back, keeping jake corralled behind him, and
|
||
scans the crowd for threats. but the threat, unbeknownst to him, is
|
||
much farther away.</p>
|
||
<p class="calliope-dead">and despite dave’s quick and
|
||
well-justified action, what is also unbeknownst to him is that the
|
||
sniper no longer poses a threat of pulling that trigger. because
|
||
everyone knows that for all of the prince’s shortcomings, he would
|
||
never expose his beloved brother and son to the risk of a heroic
|
||
death.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You’re absolutely right.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I would never do that.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I’d never kill Dave, no matter what I felt
|
||
the stakes were. I’d never hurt him either.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You do understand me pretty well, I’ll give
|
||
you that. And you’re right about many things.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: But there are just a couple things you’re
|
||
wrong about.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Pretty important things, actually.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">and what would those things
|
||
be?</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: First of all, this gun is loaded.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: But not with bullets.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">the prince reveals this
|
||
relatively uninteresting piece of information as he looks through
|
||
the scope. the crosshairs overlap dave’s chest, completely
|
||
obscuring the view of jake. we suppose that the prince means the
|
||
weapon is loaded with tranquilizer darts. it would after all be a
|
||
fitting callback to the manner in which he subdued jake at an
|
||
earlier moment. a fair enough way to bypass the immortality of his
|
||
target, rendering jake inactive long enough to serve his purpose.
|
||
his finger hovers over the trigger as he considers whether he can
|
||
pull off two tranquilizing shots at dave and then jake in quick
|
||
succession, before he is stopped. it certainly would be a risk to
|
||
even try. but as the humans say: no guts, no glory.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Yes. You’re right about the tranquilizer.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: But there’s one more fact you’re not aware
|
||
of.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Which is that I never intended to aim for
|
||
Jake at all.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hellooooooo</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dave??</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: whered ya go</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">roxy yells into the phone, but
|
||
dave continues guarding jake, pausing for a moment their critical
|
||
discussion of human gender. meanwhile, the prince lowers the rifle,
|
||
and strongly reconsiders the foolishness he has initiated here.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: No, that’s not what he does.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He swings the rifle around one hundred eighty
|
||
degrees, and points the scope toward the large, now-curtainless
|
||
window of a distant apartment.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He zooms in quickly, cutting even shorter the
|
||
little time that the Dead Cherub could use to impede him in some
|
||
way.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He takes aim, lets his finger hover over the
|
||
trigger, and...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">his finger tenses up, quite
|
||
painfully. perhaps it’s a cramp? whatever the malady, it isn’t
|
||
budging.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Ow!</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Yeah, you got me. Can’t move it an inch.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The only problem is, he doesn’t need to pull
|
||
that trigger.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Earlier, when he was messing around with all
|
||
this shit in plain view, he rigged the rifle to be
|
||
voice-operated.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: All he needs to do is say...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">he doesn’t say it.</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">Oh, but he DOES.</span></p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: FIRE.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">...</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I see. So you’re not going to say what
|
||
happens next?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Is that really how it’s gonna be?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: So be it.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The tranquilizer dart hits the glass of
|
||
Roxy’s apartment window before the sound from the rifle’s shot even
|
||
reaches them.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: She hears the glass break. Seconds later, she
|
||
hears the bang. She drops her phone on the floor.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: She doesn’t have the slightest idea what just
|
||
happened until she looks over at Jade and notices the dart stuck in
|
||
her neck, right in the jugular vein.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: She watches as Jade’s huge, creepy black eyes
|
||
start getting heavy. Her eyelids sag, and her head tilts to the
|
||
side.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: She shuts her eyes completely. Her hair stops
|
||
floating around her ominously. In fact, there’s nothing ominous
|
||
about her at all anymore. She entirely resumes her status as the
|
||
cute doggy girl we all know and love.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: She slumps over and collapses onto the couch.
|
||
She begins snoring loudly while making a little canine whimper on
|
||
each exhale.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Like the bitch she is.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p>it seems uncalled-for to insult her after this little stunt you
|
||
just pulled. what did she do that was wrong?</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Oh, what’s that? You’re getting a little
|
||
quiet for some reason.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You’re going to have to speak up.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p>this is not the last you’ll be hearing from me, prince.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Aaand, nope.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You’re getting quieter, not louder. You’re
|
||
gonna need to work on that.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Maybe try shouting it?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead"><span class="type-bs type-hs-bottom">soon, i will be coming for
|
||
you.</span></p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Yeah, I didn’t catch that at all.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Not even one syllable.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Guess that’s it for you? Back to not
|
||
mattering.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Not that you ever did.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Come to think of it, why am I still talking
|
||
out loud?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">That’s more like it.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">Roxy drops to her knees by the couch, pulls the
|
||
dart out of Jade’s neck, and tries to shake her awake. But it’s no
|
||
use. That’s a heavy dose I gave her. Could be out for weeks. Maybe
|
||
months? Can’t have any cherubs messing with my business on this
|
||
planet. At least not until I’ve taken my leave. But Jade’s gonna be
|
||
fine. Don’t worry about that.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">That was interesting though. Cherubs are fuckin’
|
||
weird, I’ll totally concede. Still not sure what makes them tick.
|
||
What they idealize, what they really want. It all comes across to
|
||
me as a little cloying. Perfection to them is a sweetness beyond
|
||
comprehension. Sugar so potent it’s poison to us. To our bodies, to
|
||
our souls. Like the place she was operating from was a realm of
|
||
self-construction. A bubble of pure, phantasmal confection.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">Well, I for one have had enough of that goddamn
|
||
toothache. I’m back in the protein saddle, motherfuckers. I’m
|
||
clacking my tongs, and the charcoal is hot.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">Now who’s hungry for <em>meat?</em></p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |