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383 lines
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat - Chapter 36</title>
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<h1>Chapter 36</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">S</span>o it turns
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out that “home” is an entirely abstract concept. A state of mind,
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if you will, rather than a literal, physical construct that can
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make you feel one way or the other. Terezi’s been gone long enough
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that her friends seem like strangers: entangled in relationship
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dynamics that she’s obliquely excluded from, embroiled in petty
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feuds, obsessed with politics.</p>
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<p class="dirk">Oh, do you want to know how those petty feuds and
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political obsessions turned out by the way? I thought it was pretty
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obvious, but I’ll say what’s up anyway.</p>
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<p class="dirk">Jane swept the election, of course. I told you I
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was going to win. After Jake’s incoherent and scandalous heel-turn
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at Karkat’s ill-fated rally, no amount of esoteric,
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three-dimensional jpeg artefacts could have salvaged the Vantas
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campaign. Besides, Dave and Karkat now have other concerns. Mainly
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that their BFF Jade has been in a coma for an entire month. They’ve
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been in and out of the hospital handling her affairs. Her next of
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kin is listed as John Egbert, and no one’s seen him in ages. It’s
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like he just disappeared suddenly. Like some great hand came out of
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the sky and crossed his name off the big list of guys we ever need
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to give a shit about anymore.</p>
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<p class="dirk">Terezi heard about Jade from a rather harried
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Kanaya, who is doubtlessly run ragged from the hot-potato plot
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circles that I’ve been sending her on for weeks to stop her from
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reading me the riot act for “kidnapping” her lovely wife. The woman
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is obviously hysterical and needs to chill the fuck out. I mean,
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she’s hysterical because I’ve been specifically and deliberately
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causing her to be that way, sure. But still. She should be fine
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soon enough.</p>
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<p class="dirk">It takes Terezi a couple days to work up the...</p>
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<p class="dirk">The <em>what</em>, exactly? What is she supposed to
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be feeling right now? I’m not sure myself. Maybe I should take a
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minute to think about the thing you’re supposed to feel when
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someone goes through whatever the hell it was she just went
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through. If I come up with any ideas, I could easily do her the
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favor of helping her feel it.</p>
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<p class="dirk">Whatever it is she’s supposed to feel, what she
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actually feels is empty. Colorless, dried up, as she walks beneath
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a holographic billboard displaying Jane’s glorious victory speech.
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The ceremony accompanying the speech is patently absurd, stuffed
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with so much pomp and circumstance that Terezi’s nose can’t make
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sense of what she’s supposed to be looking at. It’s all just light
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and color, signifying nothing.</p>
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<p class="dirk">Her internal smelloscope is so discombobulated from
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the onslaught of pastry-themed floats, and Jane’s tearful soliloquy
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on the Legacy of Responsibility she is about to inherit, that she
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mistakes the familiar figure standing in front of the hospital for
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someone else entirely.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: H3Y COOLK1D</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: HOWS J4DE DO1NG</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Roxy turns around and blinks in
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confusion. Terezi blinks back. Kanaya had warned her that Roxy had
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been going through some changes, but this still takes her by
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surprise.</p>
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<p class="dirk">So, in her defense, this was an honest mistake to
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make. Dave gets half of his genetics from Roxy, after all, and
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since her big heart-to-heart about the personal politics of queer
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onion metaphors, and ten stages of galaxy-braining through the many
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vicissitudes of the phrase “no homo,” Roxy has decided to really
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step up her gender experimentation. I guess at this point she’s
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gone beyond Stage Ten. Which I imagine is somewhat like reaching
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Super Saiyan 2 of gender, and then going even further beyond.</p>
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<p class="dirk">She’s got the Shades™ now, and sports one of those
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sweep-over hipster cuts Dave loves so much. Nothing ambiguous about
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this presentation, although if I’m being totally real, it’s a bit
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derivative. Anyway, I can’t complain too much about her decision to
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crib the Strider style, since, you know. She’s family. Besides, I’m
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T-minus ten hours from fucking off this gay Earth forever. It’s her
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life, her gender, her style—she can be whatever the fuck she
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wants.</p>
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<p class="dirk">Roxy’s whole face lights up when she sees
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Terezi.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: omg terezi i didnt know u were back!</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: what UP???</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: OH ROXY</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: UH H1</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 D4V3</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: o lmao that makes sense</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i thought for a minute u were appreciating my
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rad new look</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: but i know i got a ways to go b4 i dethrone
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the original coolkid</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: NO NO YOUR3 V3RY COOL!</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1N F4CT 1 WOULD PROB4BLY V3NTUR3 TH4T 1F
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W3 W3R3 JUDG1NG COOLN3SS 1N 4 FORM4L COOLN3SS CONT3ST JUDG3D BY TH3
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PROS, ON 4 COMPL3T3LY OBJ3CT1V3 B4S1S</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: YOU 4R3 4CTU4LLY 4BOUT 4 B1LL1ON T1M3S
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COOL3R TH4N D4V3</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: wow thx!</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WH1CH 1S 4 F4CT TH4T S33MS SO OBV1OUS
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TH4T 1V3 D3F1N1T3LY KNOCK3D S3V3R4L R4NKS OFF MY OWN P3RSON4L
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COOLN3SS 4TTR1BUT3 BY 3V3N S4Y1NG 1T OUT LOUD, R4TH3R TH4N 4LLOW1NG
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1T TO B3 4SSUM3D</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: lol no WAY</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: terezi ur like the raddest chick i know</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Terezi’s jaw tightens. She’s not ready to
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hear any words that remind her of those few hours with John. Her
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hand goes to her pocket, where she’s keeping the wallet. She traces
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the contours of it with her thumb and forces a smile.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1F YOU S4Y SO</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: um yeah i fuckin DO say so</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: dont make me repeat myself</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Roxy seems almost effusive despite the
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circumstances. An earthy, genuine effusiveness that lights her up
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from inside. Terezi’s head is filled with stories about a different
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version of Roxy—the polar opposite of the one standing in front of
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her.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: so....</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: ur here to see jade huh??</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: Y34H</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 H34RD WH4T H4PP3N3D TO H3R 4ND THOUGHT
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1 SHOULD COM3</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: W3LL YOU KNOW</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Pay respects? No, that’s dumb. Terezi
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knows that’s dumb. This is just a motion you go through. John would
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definitely want to be here, though, and technically Terezi is
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taking him with her. He may be in her pocket, but lately she’s been
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feeling more like he’s under her skin. She hasn’t told anyone what
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happened. But at least she knows she can look at him whenever she
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wants.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: yeaaa</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: its lookin grim</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: on one hand shes just layin there so theres
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not rly a chance of her doin anything either evil or heroic to off
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herself permanently</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: but its also been so long its like</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: is she just gonna sleep forever???</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: SL33P1NG FOR3V3R D3F1N1T3LY SOUNDS L1K3 4
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J4D3 MOV3 TO M3</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: yeah lol i feel bad crackin jokes about it
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but</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i think its what shed want</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: us havin hope n all</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: Y3S</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: ...3R</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WH3R3S C4LL1OP3?</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: YOU TWO 4R3 ST1LL</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: TOG3TH3R?</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: R1GHT</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: um GAWD</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: back when jade first got all effed up callie
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saw somethin and it made them freak out</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: it took me weeks to convince them that it was
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safe to come home</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: but now we got the opposite problem and they
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arent leavin the house at all</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn
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paintin some weird ass shit on the walls</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WH4T?</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: some of it is like</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: weird and violent??</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: nudity????</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: >:?</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: yeah yikes</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various
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combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: so it was hard as hell to convince them to
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let me come see jade at all</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: its like theyre traumatized</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: and they think ill drag whatever possessed
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jade back into our home with me</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: DO3S C4LL13 KNOW WH4T H4PP3N3D TO J4D3
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TH3N?</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: maybe idk</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: im not gonna push them</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: callies got all kinda hang ups about their
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existence and purpose and potential lack thereof</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: when theyre ready to talk about it i want
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them to be able to talk about it u know?</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: Y3S</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1T DO3S SOUND L1K3 PUSH1NG TH3M WH3N
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TH3YR3 VULN3R4BL3 W1LL JUST B4CKF1R3</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Terezi startles a bit when her phone
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buzzes. Who would even be messaging her now, when the only person
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she ever talked to is currently dead in her other pocket? She’s
|
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intrigued, but she thinks better of worrying about it. It’d be rude
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||
to look at her phone while she’s in the middle of a
|
||
conversation.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh that reminds me!</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: have u seen john lately?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Terezi’s heart skips a beat. It’s almost
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||
as if Roxy is the one reading her mind.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WHY DO YOU 4SK</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">No one else has asked yet.</p>
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<p class="dirk">Roxy gives a shrug. A conflicted look crosses her
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face, but I can’t see past it. With the Dead Cherub out of the
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picture, the aura of void surrounding Roxy once again is
|
||
impenetrable. Those baller shades aren’t exactly improving my odds
|
||
of reading her, either. I’ll say again what I’ve always felt about
|
||
her on some level: some riddles were never meant to be solved.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: he went back to the medium a while ago
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||
right??</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i thought</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: maybe u and he crossed paths</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Terezi does not flinch. Her pleasant
|
||
expression does not falter. She’s good at the appearance of
|
||
confidence even when wracked with indecision and grief.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: NO</p>
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<p class="terezi">TEREZI: I H4V3NT S33N H1M</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh....</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: damn thats too bad</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: callie n i have been worried</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: kinda hoped he woulda come back</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: or at least let us know what hes up to</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ugh between this and whats goin on with jade
|
||
the lack of closures gonna keep me up at night</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1M SORRY</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 W1SH 1 KN3W WH4T TO T3LL YOU</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hey its fine</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: u cant fix everyones problems</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 KNOW</p>
|
||
</div>
|
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Roxy pinches her lips together and
|
||
examines Terezi over the rim of her sunglasses for a moment.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">Maybe, having watched her own friend group suffer
|
||
stress fractures recently, she understands the weight of those
|
||
words as uttered by this specific person. Because Terezi is a
|
||
fixer, and it has been a very difficult lesson for her to learn
|
||
that some things are simply out of her control. Maybe it’s just
|
||
that Roxy can hear the bone-deep sorrow in her voice.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: (OMFG)</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: (1TS “H1M” YOU FUCK1NG O4F!!!)</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wat</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: who u loudly whispering to</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: OH</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: NOBODY</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">Oh, my bad. Why not send him my regards?
|
||
Tell him he makes a kickass him for me. It suits the hell out of
|
||
him.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: (1M NOT FUCK1NG T3LL1NG H1M TH4T)</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">Whatever was bothering Roxy, it passes
|
||
quickly, and he says nothing about it. He puts his hand on Terezi’s
|
||
shoulder and gives it a warm clap. The fraternal kind, which a
|
||
couple of solid dudes might exchange after having just “bro’ed
|
||
out.” It’s convincing, actually. Reasonably authentic, and quite
|
||
masculine. He’s off to a great start exhibiting the mannerisms
|
||
associated with his chosen gender. I’m genuinely proud of him.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ummm</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: kay well i should get goin</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: was nice catchin up!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dont be a stranger alright?</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: STR4NG3R TH4N WH4T</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: lmao ur a riot</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but u know what i mean</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: Y34H</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: S33 YOU</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: 8)</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">As soon as Roxy’s gone, Terezi regrets
|
||
lying to him about John. It’s a hard secret to keep, but probably a
|
||
harder one to reveal. Maybe it would have been better if she
|
||
<em>had</em> run into Dave instead of Roxy. It would have been
|
||
easier to confide something like that to Dave, wouldn’t it? Well,
|
||
<em>maybe</em> it would have been easier. Years ago, in a different
|
||
timeline. And even then, she messed that up, didn’t she? But we
|
||
can’t beat ourselves up too much for our teen mistakes. Let alone
|
||
the stuff we can’t even remember, because it technically never even
|
||
happened to us. We have enough to worry about as it is, right,
|
||
Terezi?</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: UUUUUUUGH</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">I know you can hear me.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: OF COURS3 1 C4N H3AR YOU!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: YOUV3 B33N BRO4DC4ST1NG YOUR NONS3NS3 4T
|
||
M3 NONSTOP S1NC3 JOHN Z4PP3D US B4CK!</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 KNOW TH4T 3V3RY M3MB3R OF YOUR F4M1ILY
|
||
3XC3PT TH3 ON3 1 JUST H4D 4 PL34S4NTLY BR13F CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH 1S
|
||
G3N3T1C4LLY 1NC4P4BL3 OF SHUTT1NG UP</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: BUT C4NT YOU JUST L3T M3 B3 D3PR3SS3D 1N
|
||
P34C3?!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">I feel depressed all the time. But I
|
||
can’t remember ever having the luxury of feeling peaceful about it.
|
||
Why should it be different for anyone else?</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU W4NT?!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">Come on, Terezi. You don’t belong here.
|
||
You <em>know</em> you don’t belong here.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 4ND WH4T TH3 H3LL DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT WH3R3
|
||
1 B3LONG?</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT WH4T 1
|
||
“KNOW”??</p>
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: H4V3 W3 3V3N H4D 4 S1NGL3 SUST41N3D
|
||
CONV3RS4T1ON TH4T L4ST3D MOR3 TH4N T3N M1NUT3S???</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">To be honest, I’m not sure if we’ve ever
|
||
exchanged any words at all. But why should that matter? Here we
|
||
both are. It’s a beautiful day. You’ve got your dead boyfriend in
|
||
your wallet. And we’ve already managed to strike such a nice
|
||
metatextual rapport. So hear me out.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">I know that you’ve always felt out of step here on
|
||
Earth C. I know that you could easily put on a brilliant act that
|
||
would fool everyone. You could potentially do that for the rest of
|
||
your life. But it will eat into you, hollow you out like a
|
||
parasite, because you’ll always refuse to allow yourself to be
|
||
understood.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">You know you’ll never be happy here. And neither
|
||
will I. Because this place isn’t for people like us.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: D1RK, 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 WH4T YOUR3 T4LK1NG
|
||
4BOUT</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">You’ll see, if you come with us.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">Hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t you bring him with
|
||
you?</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: H1M?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">Yeah. You saved his body for a reason,
|
||
right? Maybe it doesn’t even have to be the end for him. Endings
|
||
are kind of overrated anyway.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">I’ll give you some time to think about it. My door
|
||
is open, but not for long.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">And I do give her the time. I ease the throttle
|
||
back a bit, just enough so that I’m not whispering directly into
|
||
her ear when she slips the wallet out of her pocket. She clutches
|
||
it so hard in her palm that she’s digging dents into the leather,
|
||
and bites her lip. The gentle breeze is all she can hear. It’s
|
||
louder than my voice, and in some understated way, makes my case
|
||
for me more persuasively. She knows I’m right.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |