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<h1>Chapter 36</h1>
<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
<p class="no-indent dirk"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">S</span>o it turns
out that “home” is an entirely abstract concept. A state of mind,
if you will, rather than a literal, physical construct that can
make you feel one way or the other. Terezis been gone long enough
that her friends seem like strangers: entangled in relationship
dynamics that shes obliquely excluded from, embroiled in petty
feuds, obsessed with politics.</p>
<p class="dirk">Oh, do you want to know how those petty feuds and
political obsessions turned out by the way? I thought it was pretty
obvious, but Ill say whats up anyway.</p>
<p class="dirk">Jane swept the election, of course. I told you I
was going to win. After Jakes incoherent and scandalous heel-turn
at Karkats ill-fated rally, no amount of esoteric,
three-dimensional jpeg artefacts could have salvaged the Vantas
campaign. Besides, Dave and Karkat now have other concerns. Mainly
that their BFF Jade has been in a coma for an entire month. Theyve
been in and out of the hospital handling her affairs. Her next of
kin is listed as John Egbert, and no ones seen him in ages. Its
like he just disappeared suddenly. Like some great hand came out of
the sky and crossed his name off the big list of guys we ever need
to give a shit about anymore.</p>
<p class="dirk">Terezi heard about Jade from a rather harried
Kanaya, who is doubtlessly run ragged from the hot-potato plot
circles that Ive been sending her on for weeks to stop her from
reading me the riot act for “kidnapping” her lovely wife. The woman
is obviously hysterical and needs to chill the fuck out. I mean,
shes hysterical because Ive been specifically and deliberately
causing her to be that way, sure. But still. She should be fine
soon enough.</p>
<p class="dirk">It takes Terezi a couple days to work up the...</p>
<p class="dirk">The <em>what</em>, exactly? What is she supposed to
be feeling right now? Im not sure myself. Maybe I should take a
minute to think about the thing youre supposed to feel when
someone goes through whatever the hell it was she just went
through. If I come up with any ideas, I could easily do her the
favor of helping her feel it.</p>
<p class="dirk">Whatever it is shes supposed to feel, what she
actually feels is empty. Colorless, dried up, as she walks beneath
a holographic billboard displaying Janes glorious victory speech.
The ceremony accompanying the speech is patently absurd, stuffed
with so much pomp and circumstance that Terezis nose cant make
sense of what shes supposed to be looking at. Its all just light
and color, signifying nothing.</p>
<p class="dirk">Her internal smelloscope is so discombobulated from
the onslaught of pastry-themed floats, and Janes tearful soliloquy
on the Legacy of Responsibility she is about to inherit, that she
mistakes the familiar figure standing in front of the hospital for
someone else entirely.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: H3Y COOLK1D</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: HOWS J4DE DO1NG</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Roxy turns around and blinks in
confusion. Terezi blinks back. Kanaya had warned her that Roxy had
been going through some changes, but this still takes her by
surprise.</p>
<p class="dirk">So, in her defense, this was an honest mistake to
make. Dave gets half of his genetics from Roxy, after all, and
since her big heart-to-heart about the personal politics of queer
onion metaphors, and ten stages of galaxy-braining through the many
vicissitudes of the phrase “no homo,” Roxy has decided to really
step up her gender experimentation. I guess at this point shes
gone beyond Stage Ten. Which I imagine is somewhat like reaching
Super Saiyan 2 of gender, and then going even further beyond.</p>
<p class="dirk">Shes got the Shades™ now, and sports one of those
sweep-over hipster cuts Dave loves so much. Nothing ambiguous about
this presentation, although if Im being totally real, its a bit
derivative. Anyway, I cant complain too much about her decision to
crib the Strider style, since, you know. Shes family. Besides, Im
T-minus ten hours from fucking off this gay Earth forever. Its her
life, her gender, her style—she can be whatever the fuck she
wants.</p>
<p class="dirk">Roxys whole face lights up when she sees
Terezi.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="roxy">ROXY: omg terezi i didnt know u were back!</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: what UP???</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: OH ROXY</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: UH H1</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 D4V3</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: o lmao that makes sense</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i thought for a minute u were appreciating my
rad new look</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but i know i got a ways to go b4 i dethrone
the original coolkid</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: NO NO YOUR3 V3RY COOL!</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1N F4CT 1 WOULD PROB4BLY V3NTUR3 TH4T 1F
W3 W3R3 JUDG1NG COOLN3SS 1N 4 FORM4L COOLN3SS CONT3ST JUDG3D BY TH3
PROS, ON 4 COMPL3T3LY OBJ3CT1V3 B4S1S</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: YOU 4R3 4CTU4LLY 4BOUT 4 B1LL1ON T1M3S
COOL3R TH4N D4V3</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wow thx!</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WH1CH 1S 4 F4CT TH4T S33MS SO OBV1OUS
TH4T 1V3 D3F1N1T3LY KNOCK3D S3V3R4L R4NKS OFF MY OWN P3RSON4L
COOLN3SS 4TTR1BUT3 BY 3V3N S4Y1NG 1T OUT LOUD, R4TH3R TH4N 4LLOW1NG
1T TO B3 4SSUM3D</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: lol no WAY</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: terezi ur like the raddest chick i know</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Terezis jaw tightens. Shes not ready to
hear any words that remind her of those few hours with John. Her
hand goes to her pocket, where shes keeping the wallet. She traces
the contours of it with her thumb and forces a smile.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1F YOU S4Y SO</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: um yeah i fuckin DO say so</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dont make me repeat myself</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Roxy seems almost effusive despite the
circumstances. An earthy, genuine effusiveness that lights her up
from inside. Terezis head is filled with stories about a different
version of Roxy—the polar opposite of the one standing in front of
her.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="roxy">ROXY: so....</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ur here to see jade huh??</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: Y34H</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 H34RD WH4T H4PP3N3D TO H3R 4ND THOUGHT
1 SHOULD COM3</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: W3LL YOU KNOW</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Pay respects? No, thats dumb. Terezi
knows thats dumb. This is just a motion you go through. John would
definitely want to be here, though, and technically Terezi is
taking him with her. He may be in her pocket, but lately shes been
feeling more like hes under her skin. She hasnt told anyone what
happened. But at least she knows she can look at him whenever she
wants.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yeaaa</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its lookin grim</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: on one hand shes just layin there so theres
not rly a chance of her doin anything either evil or heroic to off
herself permanently</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but its also been so long its like</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: is she just gonna sleep forever???</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: SL33P1NG FOR3V3R D3F1N1T3LY SOUNDS L1K3 4
J4D3 MOV3 TO M3</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yeah lol i feel bad crackin jokes about it
but</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i think its what shed want</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: us havin hope n all</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: Y3S</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: ...3R</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WH3R3S C4LL1OP3?</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: YOU TWO 4R3 ST1LL</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: TOG3TH3R?</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: R1GHT</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: um GAWD</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: back when jade first got all effed up callie
saw somethin and it made them freak out</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: it took me weeks to convince them that it was
safe to come home</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but now we got the opposite problem and they
arent leavin the house at all</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn
paintin some weird ass shit on the walls</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WH4T?</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: some of it is like</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: weird and violent??</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: nudity????</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: &gt;:?</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yeah yikes</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various
combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: so it was hard as hell to convince them to
let me come see jade at all</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its like theyre traumatized</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and they think ill drag whatever possessed
jade back into our home with me</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: DO3S C4LL13 KNOW WH4T H4PP3N3D TO J4D3
TH3N?</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: maybe idk</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: im not gonna push them</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: callies got all kinda hang ups about their
existence and purpose and potential lack thereof</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: when theyre ready to talk about it i want
them to be able to talk about it u know?</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: Y3S</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1T DO3S SOUND L1K3 PUSH1NG TH3M WH3N
TH3YR3 VULN3R4BL3 W1LL JUST B4CKF1R3</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Terezi startles a bit when her phone
buzzes. Who would even be messaging her now, when the only person
she ever talked to is currently dead in her other pocket? Shes
intrigued, but she thinks better of worrying about it. Itd be rude
to look at her phone while shes in the middle of a
conversation.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh that reminds me!</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: have u seen john lately?</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Terezis heart skips a beat. Its almost
as if Roxy is the one reading her mind.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WHY DO YOU 4SK</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">No one else has asked yet.</p>
<p class="dirk">Roxy gives a shrug. A conflicted look crosses her
face, but I cant see past it. With the Dead Cherub out of the
picture, the aura of void surrounding Roxy once again is
impenetrable. Those baller shades arent exactly improving my odds
of reading her, either. Ill say again what Ive always felt about
her on some level: some riddles were never meant to be solved.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="roxy">ROXY: he went back to the medium a while ago
right??</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i thought</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: maybe u and he crossed paths</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Terezi does not flinch. Her pleasant
expression does not falter. Shes good at the appearance of
confidence even when wracked with indecision and grief.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: NO</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: I H4V3NT S33N H1M</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: oh....</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: damn thats too bad</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: callie n i have been worried</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: kinda hoped he woulda come back</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: or at least let us know what hes up to</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ugh between this and whats goin on with jade
the lack of closures gonna keep me up at night</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1M SORRY</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 W1SH 1 KN3W WH4T TO T3LL YOU</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hey its fine</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: u cant fix everyones problems</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 KNOW</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Roxy pinches her lips together and
examines Terezi over the rim of her sunglasses for a moment.</p>
<p class="dirk">Maybe, having watched her own friend group suffer
stress fractures recently, she understands the weight of those
words as uttered by this specific person. Because Terezi is a
fixer, and it has been a very difficult lesson for her to learn
that some things are simply out of her control. Maybe its just
that Roxy can hear the bone-deep sorrow in her voice.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: (OMFG)</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: (1TS “H1M” YOU FUCK1NG O4F!!!)</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wat</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: who u loudly whispering to</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: OH</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: NOBODY</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Oh, my bad. Why not send him my regards?
Tell him he makes a kickass him for me. It suits the hell out of
him.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: (1M NOT FUCK1NG T3LL1NG H1M TH4T)</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Whatever was bothering Roxy, it passes
quickly, and he says nothing about it. He puts his hand on Terezis
shoulder and gives it a warm clap. The fraternal kind, which a
couple of solid dudes might exchange after having just “broed
out.” Its convincing, actually. Reasonably authentic, and quite
masculine. Hes off to a great start exhibiting the mannerisms
associated with his chosen gender. Im genuinely proud of him.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ummm</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: kay well i should get goin</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: was nice catchin up!</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: dont be a stranger alright?</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: STR4NG3R TH4N WH4T</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: lmao ur a riot</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: but u know what i mean</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: Y34H</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: S33 YOU</p>
<p class="roxy">ROXY: 8)</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">As soon as Roxys gone, Terezi regrets
lying to him about John. Its a hard secret to keep, but probably a
harder one to reveal. Maybe it would have been better if she
<em>had</em> run into Dave instead of Roxy. It would have been
easier to confide something like that to Dave, wouldnt it? Well,
<em>maybe</em> it would have been easier. Years ago, in a different
timeline. And even then, she messed that up, didnt she? But we
cant beat ourselves up too much for our teen mistakes. Let alone
the stuff we cant even remember, because it technically never even
happened to us. We have enough to worry about as it is, right,
Terezi?</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: UUUUUUUGH</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">I know you can hear me.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: OF COURS3 1 C4N H3AR YOU!!!</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: YOUV3 B33N BRO4DC4ST1NG YOUR NONS3NS3 4T
M3 NONSTOP S1NC3 JOHN Z4PP3D US B4CK!</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 1 KNOW TH4T 3V3RY M3MB3R OF YOUR F4M1ILY
3XC3PT TH3 ON3 1 JUST H4D 4 PL34S4NTLY BR13F CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH 1S
G3N3T1C4LLY 1NC4P4BL3 OF SHUTT1NG UP</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: BUT C4NT YOU JUST L3T M3 B3 D3PR3SS3D 1N
P34C3?!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">I feel depressed all the time. But I
cant remember ever having the luxury of feeling peaceful about it.
Why should it be different for anyone else?</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU W4NT?!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Come on, Terezi. You dont belong here.
You <em>know</em> you dont belong here.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: 4ND WH4T TH3 H3LL DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT WH3R3
1 B3LONG?</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT WH4T 1
“KNOW”??</p>
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: H4V3 W3 3V3N H4D 4 S1NGL3 SUST41N3D
CONV3RS4T1ON TH4T L4ST3D MOR3 TH4N T3N M1NUT3S???</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">To be honest, Im not sure if weve ever
exchanged any words at all. But why should that matter? Here we
both are. Its a beautiful day. Youve got your dead boyfriend in
your wallet. And weve already managed to strike such a nice
metatextual rapport. So hear me out.</p>
<p class="dirk">I know that youve always felt out of step here on
Earth C. I know that you could easily put on a brilliant act that
would fool everyone. You could potentially do that for the rest of
your life. But it will eat into you, hollow you out like a
parasite, because youll always refuse to allow yourself to be
understood.</p>
<p class="dirk">You know youll never be happy here. And neither
will I. Because this place isnt for people like us.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: D1RK, 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 WH4T YOUR3 T4LK1NG
4BOUT</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Youll see, if you come with us.</p>
<p class="dirk">Hey, heres an idea. Why dont you bring him with
you?</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="terezi">TEREZI: H1M?</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent dirk">Yeah. You saved his body for a reason,
right? Maybe it doesnt even have to be the end for him. Endings
are kind of overrated anyway.</p>
<p class="dirk">Ill give you some time to think about it. My door
is open, but not for long.</p>
<p class="dirk">And I do give her the time. I ease the throttle
back a bit, just enough so that Im not whispering directly into
her ear when she slips the wallet out of her pocket. She clutches
it so hard in her palm that shes digging dents into the leather,
and bites her lip. The gentle breeze is all she can hear. Its
louder than my voice, and in some understated way, makes my case
for me more persuasively. She knows Im right.</p>
</div>
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