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327 lines
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat - Chapter 4</title>
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<h1>Chapter 4</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<p class="no-indent"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">Y</span>ou arrive
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in the Land of Heat and Clockwork in a flash of white. A column of
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brutally hot air blasts up from the lava below and instantly hits
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your entire body. Luckily, you’re fairly immortal, so the only
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damage it does is to fog up your glasses a bit. Through the
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condensation you can make out the shapes of Dave and Jade below, as
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well as two more of you hovering in the air above. Both Johns turn
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to look at you.</p>
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<p>On the ground, Dave is talking in a particular cadence, one that
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is familiar to you, his longtime best buddy. Casual, wandering,
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verging on droning. It’s a good indication he’ll be monologuing for
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a while, and probably already has been.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: im serious</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: the thing is</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: being a time guy</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like actually MASTERING time travel</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: im pretty sure what that involves is</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: learning to never use it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: see its like karate</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: well</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its more like what they SAY about karate</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: that you learn it so you dont use it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but i mean we all know the truth about karate
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is if you know karate then obviously in reality you use it all the
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time</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like doing lethal fuckin crane kicks and
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sweet karate chops while walking down the street just cause you
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can</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its a god damn no brainer...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: thats what...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: you do...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: with...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: karate. john what the fuck are you doing
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here</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: or... wait</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: actually three johns</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: hey three johns what the fuck are three johns
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doing here</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">It’s a fair question, which logically should
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have been directed to the oldest and most knowledgeable John.
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Nevertheless, one of the younger Johns replies first.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="john">(JOHN 1): er.</p>
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<p class="john">(JOHN 1): i don’t know.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: john, don’t worry about it. i’ll take
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things from here.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: johns dont get me wrong its cool that you all
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randomly dropped by again but this wasnt really the best time</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: we were kind of in the middle of a thing
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here</p>
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<p class="john">(JOHN 1): whoops. sorry.</p>
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<p class="john">(JOHN 2): uh... actually, i only came here to swoop
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in and zap this john away without being seen, to retcon away the
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mess i made earlier.</p>
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<p class="john">(JOHN 2): i didn’t expect to see another john
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here.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: hey, other john, i said i’ll handle it!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: i’m the only one who actually knows what’s
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going on here.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: god damn it johns what the fuck did you
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do</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: young dave, please.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: let me deal with the johns first, then i’ll
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explain.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: young dave???</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah why are you a fucking adult now</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: did you grow up and start time traveling
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dude</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">will someone tell me what the fuck is happening???????</span></p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: johns, there’s no reason for you to hang
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around anymore.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: not to sound like a wet blanket, but the
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things you’re trying to accomplish are now useless, so you can just
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zap away and do whatever you want.</p>
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<p class="john">(JOHN 1): ummm...</p>
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<p class="john">(JOHN 2): useless?? wait.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: ok, maybe i shouldn’t have said that.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: i’m sure you can still go and do what i did
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when i originally did what you’re currently trying to do...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jesus john</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: in fact, it will still probably be a very
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rewarding experience!</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: some of my best memories happened right
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after you do what you’re about to do next.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: the point is, you should just go do it, so
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that you aren’t here anymore.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN 3: i’m here to make sure some new and
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different important things happen, and those things don’t include
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you.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">:|</span></p>
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<p class="john">(JOHN 1): oh...</p>
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<p class="john">(JOHN 2): ...ok.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">The useless Johns zap away. You sincerely hope
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that they have a beautiful and fulfilling youth.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: adult john what the fuck have you done</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: is this some time travel shit</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: please dont tell me youve been spending the
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next however many years bungling through time like this because tbh
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if what i just witnessed was even remotely indicative of shit you
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get up to on a recurring basis then your future is almost too
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embarrassing to even think about</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and this is coming from a teenager who was
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just in the middle of an angsty episode</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">its
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true</span></p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: no, teen dave. this is not at all
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representative of my habits as an adult, but thanks for the
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concern.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i’m not time traveling, and neither were the
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other johns.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i used my retcon abilities to travel here
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from the future, in a manner of speaking.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: sounds fuckin stupid</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: it is stupid. but that’s just how things
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are.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">im a little
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confused</span></p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">im supposed to be hunting you down and capturing you... but im not sure if the adult version of you counts?</span></p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">i think the condesce might just be... confused if i brought her an adult john?</span></p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">there will be a lot of questions that need answering, thats for sure</span></p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: no, you don’t need to capture me, and you
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wouldn’t be able to even if you wanted to, since my existence
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literally transcends the confines of canon.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">well...</span></p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">i guess that
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simplifies things then?</span></p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: yep, pretty much.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">in that case, would you mind giving me and dave a few minutes to wrap up our conversation?</span></p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">we were sort of in the middle of something important... i think</span></p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: no, you really weren’t.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: sorry to be the bearer of lame news, like i
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just was to the other johns.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: but whatever you were doing doesn’t matter
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anymore.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: nothing that’s happening here matters at
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all.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: this session, this whole takeover by the
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condesce... this isn’t how a universe gets made.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">its
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not?</span></p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: no.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: well i mean, it IS.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: but it already happened.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: we already made it.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: and we’ve been living in it for years
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already, from my perspective.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh yeah?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: how is it</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: pretty cool.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: i mean, a little boring at times. but hey,
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that’s life.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah thats about how i thought it would
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be</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so what now</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: if its all a done deal like preemptively
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speaking</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: can we all just relax or what</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: actually...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: no.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: fuck</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: ah! i just realized why she sent me to this
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point in time to start recruiting you all.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: who</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: rose.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: whyd she do that</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and what do you mean recruit</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: what the hell is going on</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: this is the moment just after you made your
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legendary cue ball sword.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: you’re going to need it.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: for what</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: to come fight lord english with me.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave’s eyebrows descend beneath his
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sunglasses. You feel pretty bad because you’re about to completely
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circumvent the life-changing epiphany he’s just had that you know
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for a fact will make him a happier, chiller, and altogether more
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well-balanced human being.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh shit</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">what??</span></p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">john. he is NOT going to fight lord english just yet</span></p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">he is staying
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right here</span></p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">old ladys
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orders :P</span></p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: actually, yes he is.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: and so are you. we all are.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">omg</span></p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">how dare
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you?????</span></p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: jade, you’re brainwashed.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: sorry. but nothing you’re saying now means
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anything.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: it’s fine though, you’ll stop being
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brainwashed once i zap you outside the influence of the
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condesce.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: <span class="jade-brainwashed">youre not
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zapping me anywhere!!!!!</span></p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: ha ha, yes i am.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: watch this...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="Command">> Zap Grimbark Jade outta there.</p>
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<p class="no-indent">You set a hand on Jade’s shoulder and zap her
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off to a better place. Then you touch down on the concrete surface
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where the whole pointless confrontation was taking place so that
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you can talk Dave around whatever it is he’s going through right
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now. Dave, like his ecto-sister, really needs to get in an absurd
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amount of extraneous words before he can fully process a
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situation.</p>
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<p>The Mayor tips his head at you and fiddles with his sash. God
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damn, you missed the Mayor.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so what do we do next</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: well, i’ll leave you to hang out with jade
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for a bit, while i go round up the others.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: what others... like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: everyone</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: yes. rose, and the other four.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i see</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: sorry if i seem a little slow here im just
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trying to figure this out</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: youre telling me that i made this sword
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because im destined to defeat lord english and weve all been
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training for that day our whole lives to some extent more or
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less</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and we are actually successful here like we
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overthrow the condesce and make a universe and everything</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and then</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: we...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: sit on our asses for several years in the new
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universe and become adults and lead mostly boring lives instead of
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going off to fight him?</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: yes.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: guess that makes sense</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: now that i think about it thats probably what
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i would want to do by the time we finally wrap up this whole hot
|
||
mess</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: yep, it is what you wanted to do.</p>
|
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<p class="john">JOHN: and pretty much everyone else agreed,
|
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including me. so that’s what we did.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: which uh</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i guess begs the question</p>
|
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<p class="dave">DAVE: if it seemed pointless at the time and nobody
|
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could be assed to go fight him when we all had our shit
|
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together</p>
|
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<p class="dave">DAVE: why does it suddenly become important to go
|
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back and beat him years later after we become a bunch of lazy
|
||
adults with boring lives</p>
|
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<p class="john">JOHN: i pretty much had the same questions,
|
||
dave.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: there are probably some pretty good answers
|
||
to that. definitely some complicated answers.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but to be honest... i kind of forget what
|
||
they actually were?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: god damn it john</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: it has something to do with canon unraveling,
|
||
and such.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: we all live outside canon in the future, and
|
||
if we don’t do go do this, everything will stop meaning
|
||
anything.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: does...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: anything you just said actually mean anything
|
||
in the first place</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: that’s a great question, dave.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: one that i can’t say i’m qualified to
|
||
answer!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i think the bottom line here is, this is what
|
||
rose said we had to do.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: so, that’s why we’re doing it.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: sounds like a bullshit reason if i ever heard
|
||
one</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: you might be right.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but is it less of a bullshit reason than any
|
||
other reason we currently have to go fight him?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: damn</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: youre right</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dont know how you did it but you somehow
|
||
instantly sold me completely</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: fuck you adult egbert</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: heheh.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: still got it. :)</p>
|
||
</div>
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||
<p class="no-indent">You zap Dave off to where he needs to go. The
|
||
Mayor is still staring at you, blinking his buggy little eyes. You
|
||
shoot him a warm smile and a thumbs-up before bouncing off into the
|
||
ether of infinity.</p>
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</div>
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</div>
|
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</body>
|
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</html> |