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<h1>Chapter 5</h1>
<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
<p class="no-indent"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">T</span>he stands
of the Cantown Memorial Arena are packed front to back with
audience members from every kingdom. Presently the crowd is going
nuts, enthralled by Jake Englishs skillful posing and mollified by
the deeply theatrical stage dive that Dirk has just taken onto the
mat. Dirk, in fact, has unquestioningly eaten shit. His shit eating
was so brutal that no one, except maybe Jake, cares that hes
taking a phone call in the middle of a live broadcast. And no one
should, really. The broadcast has been going for three hours
already.</p>
<p>Dave takes a seat on the couch, right in Karkats butt groove.
He observes his battered ecto-father, who is lying inside a wreath
of busted robot limbs like a piece of absolute garbage.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: bro im watching you on the tube and i gotta
say</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: while the beatdown you just received was as
thorough as it was humiliating im afraid as usual the solution to
this problem should probably not involve your decapitation</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you fucking drama queen</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Damn.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Are you sure?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: jake just kicked your ass</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats really all there is to say on the
matter</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Youre probably right.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: But still not entirely sure we should be so
quick to rule out my beheading as a catchall solution to any given
problem.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: It really could save us all a lot of trouble
in the future. Especially me.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: its really amazing how this meme we have
going here continues to be exactly as funny as the day it was
established</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Isnt it always though?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: by the way</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: how DID you get your ass kicked so bad</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: jake sucks and his raps are fucking awful</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: please tell me this garbage show is as rigged
as it looks</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">On the TV, Dirk makes an elegant hand sign
that once might have represented solidarity with some ancient
coastal rap group but now has been utterly divorced from its
cultural context here on Earth C. The camera pans away from him and
over the crowd. It zooms in on a young crocodile wearing an
oversized T-shirt with Jakes highly marketable ass plastered over
it and the phrase “Tally ho” written in big bubble letters.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Dave, theres such a thing as
showmanship.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Im sure I dont need to explain this to you,
of all people.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok cool its fake just making sure</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Sigh.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: We really dont like to use that word.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: lmao ok</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Holding back a little to achieve certain
results doesnt necessarily mean youre participating in a farce or
rigging the event.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: We do this all the time. We hold back our
thoughts, our true feelings, our full potential. We disguise how
much we know about what and when, for many purposes. To ease
relations, to let others behave naturally and make up their minds
without undue intervention. To wait for the right moments to show
our hands, to pick our battles.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: In life, there are many reasons to show
restraint, which would never be regarded as an attempt to rig
reality.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oof</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: my dog you are full of some SHIT today arent
you</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Absolutely.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: And when it comes to theater, there are just
as many reasons for restraint. To build tension. To set the stage.
To give the people someone to root against.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: is that what youre doing now</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: making people root against you</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: What, by losing a round? No, man. Thats just
standard pacing stuff when it comes to battlecraft.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: no i mean by holding up the whole fight by
talking to me</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i can see you on tv</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: theyre booing you dude</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">The crowd has indeed finally exhausted both
its patience and its thirst for the ceaseless ogling of Jakes
impressive glutes. The camera swings around to focus on Dirk, who,
since landing on his self-admittedly second-rate ass, has not moved
except to make arcane, rap-related hand gestures.</p>
<p>The excitable salamander manning the camera switches to a
fish-eye lens for some unfathomable reason, giving the whole
exchange an air of demented absurdity. Dirks sunglasses distort
and stretch to dominate the entire screen.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Oh.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Then yes, I guess that is what Im doing.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Dirk are you going to be much longer with
your telephone call?</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: The crowd is getting feisty... you didnt get
too badly winded from our last scrum did you dirk?</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Haha, no Jake. Im fine. Ill just be a
minute.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: What about the agitated rabble? Theyre
starting to throw things.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I dont know. Do a dance or something. Sing a
song.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: They love anything you do.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Ummm.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Ok sounds stupid but ill try.</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Jake tips an imaginary hat toward center stage
and begins doing the Charleston. Dave is subjected to an entire
fish-eye lensful of Jakes booty shorts flexing and constricting
against his tanned thighs.</p>
<p>Just as Dirk predicted, the crowd immediately loses its shit,
except for a single carapacian in the front row, who continues to
glower at Dirk with an expression of absolute and total
contempt.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: why do you want people to hate you so
much</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: its fucked up</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Youre reading way too much into it.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: If I wanted another round of embarrassingly
indulgent and mutually masturbatory psychoanalysis, I would have
called my daughter instead.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: hm</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: do i need to point out how fucking weird what
you just said was or can that start going without saying at this
point</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I think it can go without saying.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: nice</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The point is, playing myself up as a villain
figure in this hacky rap pageant has nothing to do with getting
people to dislike me. Besides, everyone loves a good villain. When
they boo, they dont really mean it.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I think youd be surprised by how popular I
actually am.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno man</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Something flies out of the audience and smacks
Dirk in the side of the head before flopping out of view of the
camera. He doesnt react, or make a facial expression at all.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: did...</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: did someone just throw a diaper at you</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Theres gonna be some diapers, yeah.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: sounds bad</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: The point is, this is much less about me, and
more about providing a foil for Jakes heroism and charisma.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Its very important that his popularity
continues to be cultivated, to maximize his political capital.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: political capital</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: what the fuck are...</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok how long have you known about the jane
thing</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean is this something you have been
planning for like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: a long time or</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Planning is such an intense word.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: god damn it</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Look, lets just say there have been some
conversations.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Does that meet with your approval?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: jane is a shitty candidate dude</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: shes going to be so shitty</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I thought youd feel that way.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I respectfully disagree.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i get shes a good friend of yours and all but
even you have to admit how far up her own ass she is</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Of course. I consider it to be among her best
qualifications for the job.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: christ</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok if nothing else have you at least taken
into account the DEVASTATION to the economy this will cause???</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You know perfectly well how much we differ on
fiscal policy.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Maybe this isnt the best time for one of our
epic debates on the subject?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah what was i thinking</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: wasting the time of the dude currently
holding up a televised rap contest so bad hes gettin diapers thrown
at him</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Dave, I think if you search your soul, youll
come to the same conclusion I have. Jane is just what this planet
needs.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Weve all had our fun here, but its easy to
overlook the fact that civilization on Earth C is hardly a
sustainable proposition.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Just beneath the surface, its quite a
dangerous and unstable place.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i know that</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: which is why actually i think it would be
cool to have a president that is good instead of bad</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Hes not as great as you think.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: who</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: obama??</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: how dare you</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: No, fool.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Karkat.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I think your heart is in the right place, but
the dude is a complete amateur.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Hell get eaten alive. I also have a hard
time imagining he even wants the job.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Really, its an awful idea for him to even
run. Think about how much its going to inflame the interspecies
tensions on this planet. Is that what you want?</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Im happy for both of you, really. Its nice
that you encourage and support each other in this way. But youre
sending him on a fools errand which can only end badly.</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave opens his mouth to argue, but something
else occurs to him.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: wait</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: how do you even know hes entering the
race</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: we like just decided this</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: A competent political operative has his
ways.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Besides, it was always pretty obvious to me
youd react this way the moment the announcement was made.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok thats kinda creepy i guess but it doesnt
change anything</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: hes running for president and hes going to
fuckin win end of story</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Fair enough.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: though now im wondering</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: since you and jane have been planning this
for a while how many key endorsements have you locked up</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: cause if youve already got jake on your side
then i guess we might as well just fucking quit</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I wouldnt worry about that.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: He and I dont quite have the rapport we once
did.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Hes “over me” and doesnt spare
opportunities to make ostentatious demonstration of this claim.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: um</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Basically he doesnt like being told what to
do. Especially not by me.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: So its fair to say as of now, hes still
fully in play.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Not that I should be encouraging you,
really.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you are one doubletalking son of a bitch you
know that</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i cant tell if you dont want us to run or are
reverse psychology mindfucking us into running</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Does it matter?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i guess not</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: not like i can just stand around and wait for
president crocker to like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: write fucking grammar laws into the
constitution</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Good.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Thats a heroic attitude to have, which Im
pleased to hear. Even if your plan is stupid, which it is, and even
if Karkat would be an atrocious president, which he would.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: nuh uh</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Sorry to cut this short, but diapers are
starting to come down pretty hard right now, and some of them
havent even had their babies removed.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: That was a joke.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Goodbye, Dave.</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dirk hangs up the phone and wipes off his
face. The mood in Cantown Memorial Arena is tense, snapping and
popping from the dual cooling and heating of the audiences
expectations and tempers. An uneven silence begins to fall over the
stadium as Dirk hops to his feet. Jake cant help but watch the
motion, raking his eyes over the muscles shifting beneath the skin
of Dirks neck and arms.</p>
<p>There is something implacably magnificent about Dirk Strider,
Jake thinks, untamed like a wild game beast of incredible size and
strength. Of course, their history together is never far from
Jakes mind, however many years its been since their last tussle
of an amorous nature. The old dramas and triumphs in the days of
Sburb. Dirks companionship has been taxing to the heart, to say
the least, and yet hes taught Jake so much—about combat,
philosophy, life, love.</p>
<p>But sometimes, despite their checkered and problematic past,
Jakes wishes that he could seize Dirk by the proverbial horns and
wrest him bodily into becoming a much more agreeable fellow. Then
again, who would Dirk be if he werent so contentious and
imperious? Certainly not someone to inspire such wistful
lollygagging, Jake cannot help but observe.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Sorry for the momentary diversion, Jake. Now
where were we?</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Momentary??? Gadzooks man you were on the
phone for half a friggin hour!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: I know you like to get the crowd all hot and
bothered but we are supposed to be professionals here!</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Youre right, my bad. Wont happen again.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: How about you kick off the next round?</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I bet this crowd will settle its shit right
down the moment you drop the latest rhymes youve been tinkering
with.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You know the ones.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Gasp.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: You dont mean...</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Oh. But I DO.</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Jakes face lights up. He composes himself,
adjusting a bow tie, although he is not wearing one, and making a
vague gesture like hes twirling one end of that mustache Dirk has
not yet let him grow. Dirk lets him go with a gentle smile, like
the sort youd give to a dog for performing a trick adequately.
Jake responds to the signal like an Olympic athlete hearing the
starter pistol. He was born for this.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jake">JAKE: Tally ho its me, jake mcgee!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Popping my pistols off, two shots and a
kiss</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: My aim is tops, i never miss</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: One shot to the heart and the other to your
lips</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Im heedless</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: You cant impede this</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: While these cads are all hat and very little
cattle</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Cattle so weak one fears they might be
feedless!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: As i prattle and digress you try to make your
egress</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: In the middle of the battle, but surely ye
jest?</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: FIDDLE FADDLE!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: My rhymes are known to bring the rattle</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: I rattle those bones right down to the
bit</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Im a mellifluous old chap who knows how to
take a hit</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Im the tip...</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Tip top of the morning!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: A rip roaring halt to your snoring</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Like pouring butter on bacon</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Their hunger awakens!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: All the rascally scalawags</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: And dastardly jackanapes</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Always ask of me, mate what is shaking?</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: With golden gas pipes such as jake-engs</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Im dodging their shade and ducking their
jape-slings</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: While my rump stokes a thirst that my rhymes
have been slaking!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">The crowd, as Dirk rightly predicted, has
settled its shit right down. This is not due to any accidental
brilliance on the part of Jake English, but rather due to an
abashed but loyal brand of pity, the kind a devoted fan cannot help
but feel when they see a beloved celebrity make an ass out of
themselves during a live broadcast they have waited two and a half
years in line to buy a ticket for.</p>
<p>Dirks phone begins going off again.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jake">JAKE: When the splendid lads and ladies ask me “how
do you do?” i -</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Whoops. Jake, sorry to cut you off...</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Looks like Im getting another call. Really
need to take this one.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Gonna have to wrap this battle up sooner than
scheduled.</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">With a casual flick of his wrist, Dirk snaps
out a bright red tranquilizer handgun and shoots Jake in the neck.
Jakes glasses crack when he hits the mat. A chorus of boos rises
up from the crowd like groundwater. Dirk artfully dodges a bucket
of obscene troll fluid to field yet another very important personal
call.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Yo Rose, whats up?</p>
</div>
</div>
</div>
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