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411 lines
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat - Chapter 5</title>
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<h1>Chapter 5</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<p class="no-indent"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">T</span>he stands
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of the Cantown Memorial Arena are packed front to back with
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audience members from every kingdom. Presently the crowd is going
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nuts, enthralled by Jake English’s skillful posing and mollified by
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the deeply theatrical stage dive that Dirk has just taken onto the
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mat. Dirk, in fact, has unquestioningly eaten shit. His shit eating
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was so brutal that no one, except maybe Jake, cares that he’s
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taking a phone call in the middle of a live broadcast. And no one
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should, really. The broadcast has been going for three hours
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already.</p>
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<p>Dave takes a seat on the couch, right in Karkat’s butt groove.
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He observes his battered ecto-father, who is lying inside a wreath
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of busted robot limbs like a piece of absolute garbage.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: bro im watching you on the tube and i gotta
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say</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: while the beatdown you just received was as
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thorough as it was humiliating im afraid as usual the solution to
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this problem should probably not involve your decapitation</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: you fucking drama queen</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Damn.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Are you sure?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jake just kicked your ass</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: thats really all there is to say on the
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matter</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: You’re probably right.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: But still not entirely sure we should be so
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quick to rule out my beheading as a catchall solution to any given
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problem.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: It really could save us all a lot of trouble
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in the future. Especially me.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its really amazing how this meme we have
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going here continues to be exactly as funny as the day it was
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established</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Isn’t it always though?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: by the way</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: how DID you get your ass kicked so bad</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jake sucks and his raps are fucking awful</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: please tell me this garbage show is as rigged
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as it looks</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">On the TV, Dirk makes an elegant hand sign
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that once might have represented solidarity with some ancient
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coastal rap group but now has been utterly divorced from its
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cultural context here on Earth C. The camera pans away from him and
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over the crowd. It zooms in on a young crocodile wearing an
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oversized T-shirt with Jake’s highly marketable ass plastered over
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it and the phrase “Tally ho” written in big bubble letters.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Dave, there’s such a thing as
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showmanship.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: I’m sure I don’t need to explain this to you,
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of all people.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ok cool its fake just making sure</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Sigh.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: We really don’t like to use that word.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: lmao ok</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Holding back a little to achieve certain
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results doesn’t necessarily mean you’re participating in a farce or
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rigging the event.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: We do this all the time. We hold back our
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thoughts, our true feelings, our full potential. We disguise how
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much we know about what and when, for many purposes. To ease
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relations, to let others behave naturally and make up their minds
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without undue intervention. To wait for the right moments to show
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our hands, to pick our battles.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: In life, there are many reasons to show
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restraint, which would never be regarded as an attempt to rig
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reality.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oof</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: my dog you are full of some SHIT today arent
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you</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Absolutely.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: And when it comes to theater, there are just
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as many reasons for restraint. To build tension. To set the stage.
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To give the people someone to root against.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: is that what youre doing now</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: making people root against you</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: What, by losing a round? No, man. That’s just
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standard pacing stuff when it comes to battlecraft.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: no i mean by holding up the whole fight by
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talking to me</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i can see you on tv</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: theyre booing you dude</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">The crowd has indeed finally exhausted both
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its patience and its thirst for the ceaseless ogling of Jake’s
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impressive glutes. The camera swings around to focus on Dirk, who,
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since landing on his self-admittedly second-rate ass, has not moved
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except to make arcane, rap-related hand gestures.</p>
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<p>The excitable salamander manning the camera switches to a
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fish-eye lens for some unfathomable reason, giving the whole
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exchange an air of demented absurdity. Dirk’s sunglasses distort
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and stretch to dominate the entire screen.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Oh.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Then yes, I guess that is what I’m doing.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Dirk are you going to be much longer with
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your telephone call?</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: The crowd is getting feisty... you didnt get
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too badly winded from our last scrum did you dirk?</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Haha, no Jake. I’m fine. I’ll just be a
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minute.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: What about the agitated rabble? Theyre
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starting to throw things.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: I don’t know. Do a dance or something. Sing a
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song.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: They love anything you do.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Ummm.</p>
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<p class="jake">JAKE: Ok sounds stupid but ill try.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jake tips an imaginary hat toward center stage
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and begins doing the Charleston. Dave is subjected to an entire
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fish-eye lensful of Jake’s booty shorts flexing and constricting
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against his tanned thighs.</p>
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<p>Just as Dirk predicted, the crowd immediately loses its shit,
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except for a single carapacian in the front row, who continues to
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glower at Dirk with an expression of absolute and total
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contempt.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: why do you want people to hate you so
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much</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its fucked up</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: You’re reading way too much into it.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: If I wanted another round of embarrassingly
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indulgent and mutually masturbatory psychoanalysis, I would have
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called my daughter instead.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: hm</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: do i need to point out how fucking weird what
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you just said was or can that start going without saying at this
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point</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: I think it can go without saying.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: nice</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: The point is, playing myself up as a villain
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figure in this hacky rap pageant has nothing to do with getting
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people to dislike me. Besides, everyone loves a good villain. When
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they boo, they don’t really mean it.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: I think you’d be surprised by how popular I
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actually am.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno man</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Something flies out of the audience and smacks
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Dirk in the side of the head before flopping out of view of the
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camera. He doesn’t react, or make a facial expression at all.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: did...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: did someone just throw a diaper at you</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: There’s gonna be some diapers, yeah.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: sounds bad</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: The point is, this is much less about me, and
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more about providing a foil for Jake’s heroism and charisma.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: It’s very important that his popularity
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continues to be cultivated, to maximize his political capital.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: political capital</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: what the fuck are...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ok how long have you known about the jane
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thing</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean is this something you have been
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planning for like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: a long time or</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Planning is such an intense word.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: god damn it</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Look, let’s just say there have been some
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conversations.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Does that meet with your approval?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jane is a shitty candidate dude</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: shes going to be so shitty</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: I thought you’d feel that way.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: I respectfully disagree.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i get shes a good friend of yours and all but
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even you have to admit how far up her own ass she is</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Of course. I consider it to be among her best
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qualifications for the job.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: christ</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ok if nothing else have you at least taken
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into account the DEVASTATION to the economy this will cause???</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: You know perfectly well how much we differ on
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fiscal policy.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Maybe this isn’t the best time for one of our
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epic debates on the subject?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah what was i thinking</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: wasting the time of the dude currently
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holding up a televised rap contest so bad hes gettin diapers thrown
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at him</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Dave, I think if you search your soul, you’ll
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come to the same conclusion I have. Jane is just what this planet
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needs.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: We’ve all had our fun here, but it’s easy to
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overlook the fact that civilization on Earth C is hardly a
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sustainable proposition.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Just beneath the surface, it’s quite a
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dangerous and unstable place.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i know that</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: which is why actually i think it would be
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cool to have a president that is good instead of bad</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: He’s not as great as you think.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: who</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: obama??</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: how dare you</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: No, fool.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Karkat.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: I think your heart is in the right place, but
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the dude is a complete amateur.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: He’ll get eaten alive. I also have a hard
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time imagining he even wants the job.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Really, it’s an awful idea for him to even
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run. Think about how much it’s going to inflame the interspecies
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tensions on this planet. Is that what you want?</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: I’m happy for both of you, really. It’s nice
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that you encourage and support each other in this way. But you’re
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sending him on a fool’s errand which can only end badly.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave opens his mouth to argue, but something
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else occurs to him.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: wait</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: how do you even know hes entering the
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race</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: we like just decided this</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: A competent political operative has his
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ways.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Besides, it was always pretty obvious to me
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you’d react this way the moment the announcement was made.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ok thats kinda creepy i guess but it doesnt
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change anything</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: hes running for president and hes going to
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fuckin win end of story</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Fair enough.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: though now im wondering</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: since you and jane have been planning this
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for a while how many key endorsements have you locked up</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: cause if youve already got jake on your side
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then i guess we might as well just fucking quit</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: I wouldn’t worry about that.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: He and I don’t quite have the rapport we once
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did.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: He’s “over me” and doesn’t spare
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opportunities to make ostentatious demonstration of this claim.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: um</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Basically he doesn’t like being told what to
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do. Especially not by me.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: So it’s fair to say as of now, he’s still
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fully in play.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Not that I should be encouraging you,
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really.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: you are one doubletalking son of a bitch you
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know that</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i cant tell if you dont want us to run or are
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reverse psychology mindfucking us into running</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Does it matter?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i guess not</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: not like i can just stand around and wait for
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president crocker to like</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: write fucking grammar laws into the
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||
constitution</p>
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||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Good.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: That’s a heroic attitude to have, which I’m
|
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pleased to hear. Even if your plan is stupid, which it is, and even
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||
if Karkat would be an atrocious president, which he would.</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: nuh uh</p>
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||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Sorry to cut this short, but diapers are
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starting to come down pretty hard right now, and some of them
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haven’t even had their babies removed.</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
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||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: That was a joke.</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Goodbye, Dave.</p>
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||
</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dirk hangs up the phone and wipes off his
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face. The mood in Cantown Memorial Arena is tense, snapping and
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||
popping from the dual cooling and heating of the audience’s
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||
expectations and tempers. An uneven silence begins to fall over the
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||
stadium as Dirk hops to his feet. Jake can’t help but watch the
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||
motion, raking his eyes over the muscles shifting beneath the skin
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||
of Dirk’s neck and arms.</p>
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||
<p>There is something implacably magnificent about Dirk Strider,
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||
Jake thinks, untamed like a wild game beast of incredible size and
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||
strength. Of course, their history together is never far from
|
||
Jake’s mind, however many years it’s been since their last tussle
|
||
of an amorous nature. The old dramas and triumphs in the days of
|
||
Sburb. Dirk’s companionship has been taxing to the heart, to say
|
||
the least, and yet he’s taught Jake so much—about combat,
|
||
philosophy, life, love.</p>
|
||
<p>But sometimes, despite their checkered and problematic past,
|
||
Jakes wishes that he could seize Dirk by the proverbial horns and
|
||
wrest him bodily into becoming a much more agreeable fellow. Then
|
||
again, who would Dirk be if he weren’t so contentious and
|
||
imperious? Certainly not someone to inspire such wistful
|
||
lollygagging, Jake cannot help but observe.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Sorry for the momentary diversion, Jake. Now
|
||
where were we?</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Momentary??? Gadzooks man you were on the
|
||
phone for half a friggin hour!</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: I know you like to get the crowd all hot and
|
||
bothered but we are supposed to be professionals here!</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You’re right, my bad. Won’t happen again.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: How about you kick off the next round?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I bet this crowd will settle its shit right
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||
down the moment you drop the latest rhymes you’ve been tinkering
|
||
with.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: You know the ones.</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Gasp.</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: You dont mean...</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Oh. But I DO.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jake’s face lights up. He composes himself,
|
||
adjusting a bow tie, although he is not wearing one, and making a
|
||
vague gesture like he’s twirling one end of that mustache Dirk has
|
||
not yet let him grow. Dirk lets him go with a gentle smile, like
|
||
the sort you’d give to a dog for performing a trick adequately.
|
||
Jake responds to the signal like an Olympic athlete hearing the
|
||
starter pistol. He was born for this.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Tally ho its me, jake mcgee!</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Popping my pistols off, two shots and a
|
||
kiss</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: My aim is tops, i never miss</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: One shot to the heart and the other to your
|
||
lips</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Im heedless</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: You cant impede this</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: While these cads are all hat and very little
|
||
cattle</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Cattle so weak one fears they might be
|
||
feedless!</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: As i prattle and digress you try to make your
|
||
egress</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: In the middle of the battle, but surely ye
|
||
jest?</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: FIDDLE FADDLE!</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: My rhymes are known to bring the rattle</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: I rattle those bones right down to the
|
||
bit</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Im a mellifluous old chap who knows how to
|
||
take a hit</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Im the tip...</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Tip top of the morning!</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: A rip roaring halt to your snoring</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Like pouring butter on bacon</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Their hunger awakens!</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: All the rascally scalawags</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: And dastardly jackanapes</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Always ask of me, mate what is shaking?</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: With golden gas pipes such as jake-eng’s</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Im dodging their shade and ducking their
|
||
jape-slings</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: While my rump stokes a thirst that my rhymes
|
||
have been slaking!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">The crowd, as Dirk rightly predicted, has
|
||
settled its shit right down. This is not due to any accidental
|
||
brilliance on the part of Jake English, but rather due to an
|
||
abashed but loyal brand of pity, the kind a devoted fan cannot help
|
||
but feel when they see a beloved celebrity make an ass out of
|
||
themselves during a live broadcast they have waited two and a half
|
||
years in line to buy a ticket for.</p>
|
||
<p>Dirk’s phone begins going off again.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: When the splendid lads and ladies ask me “how
|
||
do you do?” i -</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Whoops. Jake, sorry to cut you off...</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Looks like I’m getting another call. Really
|
||
need to take this one.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Gonna have to wrap this battle up sooner than
|
||
scheduled.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">With a casual flick of his wrist, Dirk snaps
|
||
out a bright red tranquilizer handgun and shoots Jake in the neck.
|
||
Jake’s glasses crack when he hits the mat. A chorus of boos rises
|
||
up from the crowd like groundwater. Dirk artfully dodges a bucket
|
||
of obscene troll fluid to field yet another very important personal
|
||
call.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Yo Rose, what’s up?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |