diff --git a/archive/data/social.json b/archive/data/social.json index 5f37a0a..508f39e 100644 --- a/archive/data/social.json +++ b/archive/data/social.json @@ -1,3 +1,4 @@ +{ { "blogspot": [ { @@ -70,7 +71,7 @@ }, { "id": "fancy-santas-are-stupid-imposters", - "html": "\n

\n\n Tuesday, December 23, 2008\n \n

\n
\n
\n
\n

\n\n Fancy-Santas\n are Stupid Imposters\n \n

\n
\n\n (Since Christmas is in the air, I thought it would be a good time for a redux of this article posted in my old blog. It is probably the only thing worth salvaging from that blog and in this season of sharing I feel it is important to share it with you.\n \n )\n
\n
\n I\n hate Fancy-Santas. Unlike the archetypical Santa, the cliché with the\n bright red suit, white beard, and unassuming accessories like black\n boots and mittens, the Fancy-Santa tries to be more than the cliché. He\n drapes himself in ruffled velvets, expensive European leathers, peculiar\n hats, and often can be found carrying around armloads of weird things,\n like a wreath, or a swan, or a fucking bush.\n
\n
\n But what’s worse is\n his attitude. The Fancy-Santa acts like he’s too good to be a normal\n Santa. While a normal Santa is jolly and friendly, the Fancy-Santa is\n aloof and acts like a complete prick. He likes to think he’s mysterious,\n tiptoeing through the woods, occasionally pausing to cast an abstract\n gaze into the northern sky. What mortal could dare to even fathom the\n grand majesties behind his ice-blue eyes and gaudy attire? What mortal\n could afford one of his bullshit dolls or figurines?\n
\n
\n You’ve\n probably seen a Fancy-Santa slowly rotating on a QVC broadcast for about\n $900, while a spokeswoman gingerly strokes his velvet robes. She uses\n words like “beautiful” and “exquisite” and “precious”. To her, the\n Fancy-Santa resembles everything good and decent left in her life, a\n life looted of joy by a succession of boorish ex-husbands. There is\n nothing boorish about a Fancy-Santa though. He is thoughtful, dignified,\n elegant—the perfect gentleman. And the perfect catch for a lonely\n middle-aged woman, if she could just find him in the fucking woods\n first. (protip: set a bear trap)\n
\n
\n Still don’t know what I’m\n talking about? You’re lucky, then. But I’m afraid your good fortune runs\n out here.\n
\n
\n This is a Fancy-Santa.\n
\n
\n\n
\n Just\n look at that asshole. Who the fuck does he think he is? What is he so\n happy about?\n
\n
\n Listen, you imposter. You are not Kris Kringle. Put\n down the wreath, take off your silly robes, and go home.\n
\n
\n They are\n always decked out in an absurd plethora of ridiculous shit. He’s got a\n small crystal tree. You know, in case of an emergency. And some kind of\n weird lacey doily hanging from it. Also, a list for authenticity’s sake,\n because—ha ha!—he’s got to confirm which children are naughty or nice.\n As if he’s going to be giving children jack shit.\n
\n
\n If you ever run\n into a Fancy-Santa like this, the only proper recourse is to splash your\n eggnog in his face and pull down his pants.\n
\n
\n Next. Get a load of\n this horse’s ass.\n
\n
\n\n
\n There’s\n always a vague implication that Fancy-Santas are a kind of rugged\n proprietor of the wilderness. A great mystical outdoorsman, oozing\n communion with nature. He is a noble champion of the woods and all its\n critters.\n
\n
\n Bullshit!\n
\n
\n He’s a glorified bum. Just because he\n lives in the woods doesn’t mean he owns them. And just because animals\n are stupid enough to sidle up to him doesn’t mean he won’t eat them and\n then use their pelts to craft another luxurious hooded robe. I imagine\n happening upon a Fancy-Santa skulking around in the woods is sort of\n like seeing Bigfoot. Except Bigfoot probably has the decency to at least\n dig a hole before he takes a shit on the ground.\n
\n
\n This next one is\n a better example than the previous two, and I hate him all the more,\n because he takes himself more seriously.\n
\n
\n\n
\n It’s\n hard work being such a monumental bullshit artist like a Fancy-Santa. It\n helps to look grave and stern, as if you are burdened by crushing\n mountains of hidden wisdom. Secretly, the only wisdom he guards is an\n array of handy pointers on how to get fleas out of a beard.\n
\n
\n I\n guess the unspoken hook to a Fancy-Santa is that they’re supposed to be\n magic. Like a fucking wizard. They really look like wizards, but with a\n Santa twist. I think the Fancy-Santa thing is really just a way for\n wizard freaks to get their jollies (yes, that was a Santa pun). But they\n can do so through the safety of mainstream Christmas orthodoxy.\n Similarly, the same middle-aged women who like wizards possibly like\n them because they remind them of Santa, the great paternal emblem, and\n perhaps hence, the “perfect man”. This perhaps further is the disturbing\n central pivot point for some weird fetish or visceral attraction\n programmed into the female mind set to erupt in middle age. The\n wizard/Santa allure is deep-rooted stuff, and expresses itself in many\n ways. I wonder if it explains in part the popularity of Harry Potter.\n Dumbledore was sort of like a Fancy-Santa. I wonder if J.K. Rowling\n collects Fancy-Santas. Of course, Dumbledore was proven to be gay, which\n on further reflection may be a critical part of the mythos. It makes\n these ideal mystical men unavailable, furthering the complex of\n unattainability. Come to think of it, now I’m sure all Fancy-Santas must\n be gay too. They are FANCY, after all. The rouge cheeks, the playful\n smirks. It’s all adding up. They’re a bunch of nomadic fags whisking\n through the snow.\n
\n
\n But in reality, they aren’t even really all\n that magic. Because they’re stupid frauds. I mean, what can they really\n do that’s all that great? Maybe give you a sly wink, and when you turn\n around again, he’s gone. BIG FUCKING DEAL! He’s a self-absorbed jackass\n who would never use whatever lame powers he has to help anyone. He’s\n certainly not delivering presents. The real Santa doesn’t mess around.\n He’s got a whole army of slave labor devoted to making toys, and\n actually has the means to deliver them. A Fancy-Santa barely bothers\n with the pretense. He might get around to giving kids presents if all\n the children on the earth happened to live in the fucking woods with\n him, maybe in a two mile radius. But they don’t, they live in houses\n like normal people. Whenever a Fancy-Santa carries around toys, it is\n just for show. If you see him walking around with a teddy bear, I can\n guarantee you that in the near future, rather than give it to a\n youngster, he will burn it for warmth.\n
\n
\n Then there are ones like\n this, which are doubly infuriating. This dude thinks he’s Gandalf the\n White. Jesus Christ, he’s so fucking pure, I bet every time he bends\n over, a flock of white doves flaps frantically out of his\n ass.\n
\n
\n\n
\n It’s\n passed off like he’s the Lord of Winter or some bullshit. If you ever\n see an idiot like this traipsing around, the proper thing to do is\n approach him from behind and push him into a pile of snow and then run\n away.\n
\n
\n This one is riding a fucking bear. Go to hell,\n numbnuts!\n
\n
\n\n
\n Look\n at the absurd hat on this one. And what exactly does he think he’s going\n to do with that sled full of toys? Who’s he trying to kid? Even he has\n to feel too much shame in his reprehensible appearance to parade that\n sled around in public. Anyway, I doubt he could push that thing more\n than a mile through the woods before suffering from cardiac\n arrest.\n
\n
\n\n
\n Then,\n as if standard Fancy-Santa fare weren’t dreadful enough, there are these\n themed ones. This one is sort of hobo-themed. This wayward wintry\n bindlestiff gazes vacantly into the clouds as if wondering where it all\n went wrong.\n
\n
\n The answer is of course the moment he decided to\n become a Fancy-Santa.\n
\n
\n\n
\n Surf’s\n up!!! There are few pleasures that compare to the experience of wringing\n sea water out of a puffy white beard.\n
\n
\n This Fancy-Santa seriously\n needs to just go fuck off.\n
\n
\n\n
\n Even\n the Orient is getting in on the act! This Fancy-Santa is absolutely\n terrifying. I can’t tell whether he embodies the spirit of Christmas, or\n the malice of a dark Asian emperor. I’ve never seen a Santa, or any\n holiday figure, who I suspect would beat the shit out of me with one\n hand while he used the other to sip calmly from a bowl of\n soup.\n
\n
\n\n
\n That\n is all I have to say about Fancy-Santas for now. But there is a lot more\n to say on the subject, and when I uncover more of these vile and\n stomach-turning truths about these frauds you can be sure that I will\n post all the dirt here.\n
\n
\n Maybe come Christmas morning the true\n Saint Nicholas will have left something to this effect beneath your\n tree.\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n\n Posted by\n \n\n Andrew Hussie\n \n\n\n\n at\n \n 12:01 PM\n \n\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n" + "html": "\n

\n\n Tuesday, December 23, 2008\n \n

\n
\n
\n
\n

\n\n Fancy-Santas\n are Stupid Imposters\n \n

\n
\n\n (Since Christmas is in the air, I thought it would be a good time for a redux of this article posted in my old blog. It is probably the only thing worth salvaging from that blog and in this season of sharing I feel it is important to share it with you.\n \n )\n
\n
\n I\n hate Fancy-Santas. Unlike the archetypical Santa, the cliché with the\n bright red suit, white beard, and unassuming accessories like black\n boots and mittens, the Fancy-Santa tries to be more than the cliché. He\n drapes himself in ruffled velvets, expensive European leathers, peculiar\n hats, and often can be found carrying around armloads of weird things,\n like a wreath, or a swan, or a fucking bush.\n
\n
\n But what’s worse is\n his attitude. The Fancy-Santa acts like he’s too good to be a normal\n Santa. While a normal Santa is jolly and friendly, the Fancy-Santa is\n aloof and acts like a complete prick. He likes to think he’s mysterious,\n tiptoeing through the woods, occasionally pausing to cast an abstract\n gaze into the northern sky. What mortal could dare to even fathom the\n grand majesties behind his ice-blue eyes and gaudy attire? What mortal\n could afford one of his bullshit dolls or figurines?\n
\n
\n You’ve\n probably seen a Fancy-Santa slowly rotating on a QVC broadcast for about\n $900, while a spokeswoman gingerly strokes his velvet robes. She uses\n words like “beautiful” and “exquisite” and “precious”. To her, the\n Fancy-Santa resembles everything good and decent left in her life, a\n life looted of joy by a succession of boorish ex-husbands. There is\n nothing boorish about a Fancy-Santa though. He is thoughtful, dignified,\n elegant—the perfect gentleman. And the perfect catch for a lonely\n middle-aged woman, if she could just find him in the fucking woods\n first. (protip: set a bear trap)\n
\n
\n Still don’t know what I’m\n talking about? You’re lucky, then. But I’m afraid your good fortune runs\n out here.\n
\n
\n This is a Fancy-Santa.\n
\n
\n\n
\n Just\n look at that asshole. Who the fuck does he think he is? What is he so\n happy about?\n
\n
\n Listen, you imposter. You are not Kris Kringle. Put\n down the wreath, take off your silly robes, and go home.\n
\n
\n They are\n always decked out in an absurd plethora of ridiculous shit. He’s got a\n small crystal tree. You know, in case of an emergency. And some kind of\n weird lacey doily hanging from it. Also, a list for authenticity’s sake,\n because—ha ha!—he’s got to confirm which children are naughty or nice.\n As if he’s going to be giving children jack shit.\n
\n
\n If you ever run\n into a Fancy-Santa like this, the only proper recourse is to splash your\n eggnog in his face and pull down his pants.\n
\n
\n Next. Get a load of\n this horse’s ass.\n
\n
\n\n
\n There’s\n always a vague implication that Fancy-Santas are a kind of rugged\n proprietor of the wilderness. A great mystical outdoorsman, oozing\n communion with nature. He is a noble champion of the woods and all its\n critters.\n
\n
\n Bullshit!\n
\n
\n He’s a glorified bum. Just because he\n lives in the woods doesn’t mean he owns them. And just because animals\n are stupid enough to sidle up to him doesn’t mean he won’t eat them and\n then use their pelts to craft another luxurious hooded robe. I imagine\n happening upon a Fancy-Santa skulking around in the woods is sort of\n like seeing Bigfoot. Except Bigfoot probably has the decency to at least\n dig a hole before he takes a shit on the ground.\n
\n
\n This next one is\n a better example than the previous two, and I hate him all the more,\n because he takes himself more seriously.\n
\n
\n\n
\n It’s\n hard work being such a monumental bullshit artist like a Fancy-Santa. It\n helps to look grave and stern, as if you are burdened by crushing\n mountains of hidden wisdom. Secretly, the only wisdom he guards is an\n array of handy pointers on how to get fleas out of a beard.\n
\n
\n I\n guess the unspoken hook to a Fancy-Santa is that they’re supposed to be\n magic. Like a fucking wizard. They really look like wizards, but with a\n Santa twist. I think the Fancy-Santa thing is really just a way for\n wizard freaks to get their jollies (yes, that was a Santa pun). But they\n can do so through the safety of mainstream Christmas orthodoxy.\n Similarly, the same middle-aged women who like wizards possibly like\n them because they remind them of Santa, the great paternal emblem, and\n perhaps hence, the “perfect man”. This perhaps further is the disturbing\n central pivot point for some weird fetish or visceral attraction\n programmed into the female mind set to erupt in middle age. The\n wizard/Santa allure is deep-rooted stuff, and expresses itself in many\n ways. I wonder if it explains in part the popularity of Harry Potter.\n Dumbledore was sort of like a Fancy-Santa. I wonder if J.K. Rowling\n collects Fancy-Santas. Of course, Dumbledore was proven to be gay, which\n on further reflection may be a critical part of the mythos. It makes\n these ideal mystical men unavailable, furthering the complex of\n unattainability. Come to think of it, now I’m sure all Fancy-Santas must\n be gay too. They are FANCY, after all. The rouge cheeks, the playful\n smirks. It’s all adding up. They’re a bunch of nomadic [REDACTED]s whisking\n through the snow.\n
\n
\n But in reality, they aren’t even really all\n that magic. Because they’re stupid frauds. I mean, what can they really\n do that’s all that great? Maybe give you a sly wink, and when you turn\n around again, he’s gone. BIG FUCKING DEAL! He’s a self-absorbed jackass\n who would never use whatever lame powers he has to help anyone. He’s\n certainly not delivering presents. The real Santa doesn’t mess around.\n He’s got a whole army of slave labor devoted to making toys, and\n actually has the means to deliver them. A Fancy-Santa barely bothers\n with the pretense. He might get around to giving kids presents if all\n the children on the earth happened to live in the fucking woods with\n him, maybe in a two mile radius. But they don’t, they live in houses\n like normal people. Whenever a Fancy-Santa carries around toys, it is\n just for show. If you see him walking around with a teddy bear, I can\n guarantee you that in the near future, rather than give it to a\n youngster, he will burn it for warmth.\n
\n
\n Then there are ones like\n this, which are doubly infuriating. This dude thinks he’s Gandalf the\n White. Jesus Christ, he’s so fucking pure, I bet every time he bends\n over, a flock of white doves flaps frantically out of his\n ass.\n
\n
\n\n
\n It’s\n passed off like he’s the Lord of Winter or some bullshit. If you ever\n see an idiot like this traipsing around, the proper thing to do is\n approach him from behind and push him into a pile of snow and then run\n away.\n
\n
\n This one is riding a fucking bear. Go to hell,\n numbnuts!\n
\n
\n\n
\n Look\n at the absurd hat on this one. And what exactly does he think he’s going\n to do with that sled full of toys? Who’s he trying to kid? Even he has\n to feel too much shame in his reprehensible appearance to parade that\n sled around in public. Anyway, I doubt he could push that thing more\n than a mile through the woods before suffering from cardiac\n arrest.\n
\n
\n\n
\n Then,\n as if standard Fancy-Santa fare weren’t dreadful enough, there are these\n themed ones. This one is sort of hobo-themed. This wayward wintry\n bindlestiff gazes vacantly into the clouds as if wondering where it all\n went wrong.\n
\n
\n The answer is of course the moment he decided to\n become a Fancy-Santa.\n
\n
\n\n
\n Surf’s\n up!!! There are few pleasures that compare to the experience of wringing\n sea water out of a puffy white beard.\n
\n
\n This Fancy-Santa seriously\n needs to just go fuck off.\n
\n
\n\n
\n Even\n the Orient is getting in on the act! This Fancy-Santa is absolutely\n terrifying. I can’t tell whether he embodies the spirit of Christmas, or\n the malice of a dark Asian emperor. I’ve never seen a Santa, or any\n holiday figure, who I suspect would beat the shit out of me with one\n hand while he used the other to sip calmly from a bowl of\n soup.\n
\n
\n\n
\n That\n is all I have to say about Fancy-Santas for now. But there is a lot more\n to say on the subject, and when I uncover more of these vile and\n stomach-turning truths about these frauds you can be sure that I will\n post all the dirt here.\n
\n
\n Maybe come Christmas morning the true\n Saint Nicholas will have left something to this effect beneath your\n tree.\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n\n Posted by\n \n\n Andrew Hussie\n \n\n\n\n at\n \n 12:01 PM\n \n\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n" }, { "id": "ms-paint-adventures-suggestion-box", @@ -8280,7 +8281,7 @@ { "id": "lets-take-a-look-at-a-few-responses-more", "timestamp": 1358121600, - "html": "\n
\n

Let’s take a look at a few responses…

\n

\n\n

\n\n\n\n\n

These are just a few, picked out semi-randomly, ranging from “mild, but missing the point” to “unspeakably terrible”.

Ironically, attitudes like this were much more responsible for my decision to change the joke than any form of “SJW crusading”.

In\n fact I didn’t even really see all that much reactionary SJ boilerplate \n in response to it. I did notice a lot of people expressing some \n reasonable opinions about it, and being met with an excessive amount of \n rhetoric like this.

Again, I can’t say I wasn’t expecting a mixed\n reaction to the joke. But stuff like this, in such high volume, is well\n beyond the result I wanted. It’s fine if you found the original joke \n funny, but if you defend it to others in this way you aren’t speaking \n for me. Your straw man arguments are not my own, and by making the joke I\n was not authorizing you to harass others. By changing the joke I’m just\n taking responsibility for not thinking these outcomes all the way \n through.

I’ve said I thought the joke was funny. But if some feel\n differently, and I see them being widely attacked for it; that doesn’t \n mean I won’t empathize with them because I’m so convinced “THEY JUST \n DON’T GET IT!” And seeing too many people with that exact attitude was \n what first got me thinking “yeah, I gotta change this.”

This is \n why the claim “social justice is in essence a form of censorship” is so \n ironic here. Because the forces of social justice aren’t actually making\n me change anything. In this case, it’s actually the people who OPPOSE \n those concerns in the ugliest manner who motivated me to “censor” \n myself.

Most people here would agree that some SJ enthusiasts can\n get pretty carried away. But if you feel convinced social justice is a \n crushing form of censorship, you might want to rethink that idea. \n Because apparently “one of the only people who could say and do whatever\n they damn well pleased” for the first time ever decided to redact a \n joke, not because of SJ bloggers, but because of the behavior of their \n most strident critics. And if you truly dislike censorship, and do not \n wish to see more self-censorship in the future, then you would be doing \n your part to behave in a way that doesn’t make creators feel embarrassed\n to be defended by you.\n

\n
\n\n
\n
Posted on January 13th 2013, 9:43pm
\n
\n
\n\n
\n
\n
\n" + "html": "\n
\n

Let’s take a look at a few responses…

\n

\n\n

\n\n\n\n\n

These are just a few, picked out semi-randomly, ranging from “mild, but missing the point” to “unspeakably terrible”.

Ironically, attitudes like this were much more responsible for my decision to change the joke than any form of “SJW crusading”.

In\n fact I didn’t even really see all that much reactionary SJ boilerplate \n in response to it. I did notice a lot of people expressing some \n reasonable opinions about it, and being met with an excessive amount of \n rhetoric like this.

Again, I can’t say I wasn’t expecting a mixed\n reaction to the joke. But stuff like this, in such high volume, is well\n beyond the result I wanted. It’s fine if you found the original joke \n funny, but if you defend it to others in this way you aren’t speaking \n for me. Your straw man arguments are not my own, and by making the joke I\n was not authorizing you to harass others. By changing the joke I’m just\n taking responsibility for not thinking these outcomes all the way \n through.

I’ve said I thought the joke was funny. But if some feel\n differently, and I see them being widely attacked for it; that doesn’t \n mean I won’t empathize with them because I’m so convinced “THEY JUST \n DON’T GET IT!” And seeing too many people with that exact attitude was \n what first got me thinking “yeah, I gotta change this.”

This is \n why the claim “social justice is in essence a form of censorship” is so \n ironic here. Because the forces of social justice aren’t actually making\n me change anything. In this case, it’s actually the people who OPPOSE \n those concerns in the ugliest manner who motivated me to “censor” \n myself.

Most people here would agree that some SJ enthusiasts can\n get pretty carried away. But if you feel convinced social justice is a \n crushing form of censorship, you might want to rethink that idea. \n Because apparently “one of the only people who could say and do whatever\n they damn well pleased” for the first time ever decided to redact a \n joke, not because of SJ bloggers, but because of the behavior of their \n most strident critics. And if you truly dislike censorship, and do not \n wish to see more self-censorship in the future, then you would be doing \n your part to behave in a way that doesn’t make creators feel embarrassed\n to be defended by you.\n

\n
\n\n
\n
Posted on January 13th 2013, 9:43pm
\n
\n
\n\n
\n
\n
\n" }, { "id": "you-may-now-preorder-the-2013-calendar-oh-hey", diff --git a/storyfiles/hs2/04025.gif b/storyfiles/hs2/04025.gif new file mode 100644 index 0000000..164dae1 Binary files /dev/null and b/storyfiles/hs2/04025.gif differ