2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 34</title>
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<div id='s34'></div>
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<h1>Chapter 34</h1>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Hey, Harry Anderson, guess where I
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am!</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: what???</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: who is this? i can’t hear you!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Vriska cups her hand around the receiver of
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her phone and shouts over the artillery barrage.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: It’s ME, idiot! The HOT 8A8E you’re lucky
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enough to h8ve gotten to second 8ase with!</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: oh hi vriska!</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: what’s up?</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: I Implored You To GUESS WHERE I 8M!</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: uh. hmm. based on the horrible
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racket in the background, i’m gonna guess... the battle outside the
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city?</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Ha HA! I TOLD you my moms were going to
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Hook Me The Fuck Up with a sweet milit8ry commission!</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: I’m officially in the rebellion,
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Sucker!!!!!!!</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: ugh. i’m watching the battle out
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my window right now. are you SURE it’s safe for you to be out
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there, vriska?</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: i’d kind of hate it if you died
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before we got to third base.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Pfft, yeah, wh8tever. I’m basically
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Immortal, bitch.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: I’m gonna 8reeze through here like a High
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Money Roller getting sweepstakes at the 8lackj8ck table!</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: you should probably actually
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gamble once in your life before you try to make gambling metaphors,
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babe. because that was dire.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Uh, excuse you, but Tavros tot8lly snuck
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me into Uncle Jake’s poker game last month. It was Immoderately
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LIT.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: wait. are you still hate dating
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tavros?</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Uhhhhhhhh... yeah? Why wouldn’t I
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be??</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: aw man. he’s so pathetic.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Yeah, that’s The Point, Harry
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Anderson.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: how do you stand kissing him? he’s
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so weird. and always mysteriously sticky for some reason.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: PLEASE tell me you haven’t gone to
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third base with him.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: A girl Does Not kiss and tell, Harry
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de8rest. ::::)</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: okay well as long as you don’t
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touch me after feeling up his weird, clammy body.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: I’m not going to get a chance to feel
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either of you up for A While, considering I’m now an Important
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8aller in Karkat and Meenah’s 8adass Revolutionary Army.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Oh, I asked if they could squeeze you in.
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They s8id they were JUST out of openings.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Sorry Dude! Lol.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: did you just call me to brag?</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: what else is going on out
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there?</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Ugh, who knows.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Oh. your DAD is here.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: what?!</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: i thought he didn’t want anything
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to do with the war?</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Yeah, well, he S8YS that, but he’s here
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right now and my mom’s saying a bunch of G8y Shit to him.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: They’re hugging and Reminiscing a8out how
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Old And Sad they are or wh8tever.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: huh...</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: What?</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: i really thought that my father
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might come see me for my birthday this year.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Welp!</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Them’s The Br8ks, Kid.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: man.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: you can be such a shitty
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girlfriend sometimes.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: May8e I’m inspired to be a Less Than
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Ideal M8tesprit when I’m in the presence of WEAKNESS? Ever consider
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that??</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: unbelievable.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Hey I’m just fucking with you! Don’t 8e
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such a 8a8y a8out it. It’s a tot8l turnoff.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: I’m sure your d8d cares a8out you very
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much. Maybe chill out?</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: yeah whatever.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: he’s always getting all weepy
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whenever i talk to him anyway.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: i don’t think i could have taken
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another round of him choking back tears while apologizing to me
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about “what happened with me and your mother, harry.”</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: i mean, god. he’s not even fucking
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DRUNK when he does this.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: that might actually be the most
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embarrassing part.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Yeah, lmao.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Now th8t you mention it, I think he’s
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actually crying right now?</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: I think I can overhear...</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: W8it.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Vriska stops trying to eavesdrop on John’s
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blubbering for a moment. She’s distracted by another noise. She
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whips her head around to detect an all-too-familiar sound echoing
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above the post-bombing silence. It’s a sound that she knows from
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hard-won experience can mean only one thing.</p>
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<p>There’s a clown nearby.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: I think I hear...</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: GAMZEE??</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: gamzee? my auntie jane’s
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gamzee?</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Yes! Who ELSE could I mean?</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: He’s around here somewhere.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: so what? i see him every day. he
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sucks.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: So WH8T?! He’s like, Jane’s left hand
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man!</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: no, he’s “neutral,” remember?</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: That’s not how Comm8nder Vantas
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feels.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: He says he’s a total 8astard. A Tr8itor
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To His Kind.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: yawn.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">The dust is beginning to settle around
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Vriska’s ankles. She scans the tree line and brings all her
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attention to bear on this curious rhythm of noises coming from
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nearby, beckoning from the underbrush. She pushes toward it through
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the thorny shrubbery.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: There’s a bounty out for his arrest!
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D8mn, they’ll probably put him in front of a tribunal if we can get
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our hands on him!</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: oh, i changed my mind. this sounds
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good actually.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: invite me to the execution,
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please?</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: If I could c8pture the High Fucking
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Priest Makara they’d promote me to, like, third in command of the
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whole joint!!!!!!!!</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: Fuck YE8H!</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: well.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: good luck with all that.</p>
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<p class="harry">HARRY ANDERSON: call me if you wanna hook up after
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the battle.</p>
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<p class="vriska">VRISKA: N8turally!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John’s wiping away a tear with his sleeve when
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he catches sight of Vriska, innocently wandering toward the very
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bush where he’d just abandoned (Vriska) to sort out her confusing
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exhibition of unexpected and deeply profane lust. Now that the
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battle has stilled, he can overhear the vile melody of the
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blasphemous union.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="rose">ROSE: There’s that noise again.</p>
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<p class="rose">ROSE: I knew I wasn’t imagining it.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: oh no.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: no, no, no...</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: VRISKA, WAIT, DON’T!!!!!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John runs to intervene, but it’s too late.
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Vriska pushes aside the last of the fronds separating her from her
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quarry with a triumphant Ha!</p>
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<p>Vriska’s huge, mischievous smile freezes on her face. When her
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eyes pass the image to her brain, and it finally makes sense of
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this incomprehensible jumble of gray limbs, blue and purple slop,
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tangled black hair, and stunned faces, her expression begins to
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slowly melt. It then drifts quickly, from phase to phase, to one of
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wonder, then anguish, and finally, abject horror.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-10-28 03:27:28 -05:00
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<p class="john">JOHN: oh god.</p>
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</div>
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="no-indent">Vriska and (Vriska) both start shrieking at a
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pitch John’s only ever heard one time before. It was a sound that
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once accompanied the end of everything. A sound once heard the
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night he dreamt in anime.</p>
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</div>
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