2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat - Chapter 2</title>
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<div id='s2'></div>
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<h1>Chapter 2</h1>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-10-28 02:02:39 -05:00
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<p class="dave">DAVE: bro</p>
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</div>
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="no-indent">In the heart of the Troll Kingdom’s capital
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city, Dave and Karkat are sitting on their couch with a foot and a
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half of space between them. It’s a typically picturesque day
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outside, but Karkat has the curtains drawn shut all the way. This
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is part of their compromise living situation: Dave puts up with the
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trollish non-euclidean architecture and bizarre social mores, and
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Karkat has adjusted his diurnal schedule to, in theory, see the
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sun.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="dave">DAVE: bro you have got to check this out</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat is leaning forward, munching on
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chocolate-coated beetles and totally absorbed in what he’s
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watching. The glow from the television highlights the dark bags
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under his eyes. Dave reaches out and, very gently, pokes Karkat in
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the cheek. Karkat flinches out of his full-body slouch.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NOT NOW DAVE. JAKE’S ASS IS ON TV
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AGAIN.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: stop ogling jakes ass this is important</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHOSE ASS
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I SHOULD STOP OGLING.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: LOOK. IT’S ABSOLUTELY HYPNOTIC.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I MEAN, NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY, PER SE.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: of course</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave casts a weary look towards the TV, where
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Jake English is shamelessly exhibiting what is definitely his best
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feature in front of a live studio audience. This is a regular
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highlight of his and Dirk’s hit television show, <em>RUMBLE IN DA
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PUMPKIN PATCH</em>, a schizophrenic cross-section of rap battle and
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robot wrestling that Rose once described as “an exploitative,
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almost Dada-esque clusterfuck of circumlocutory pretension and
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sweaty, homoerotic astriction.” Jake came up with the title for the
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show, and Dirk absolutely loathed it. However, before Dirk could
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insist on an alternative, Jake had already posted an online poll
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pitting his idea against “Whatever dirks lame idea is.” Needless to
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say, the second option was much less popular.</p>
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<p>Karkat gestures at the televised spectacle, a bit
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helplessly.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S ALL IN THE WAY IT’S BEING PROGRAMMED
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BY THE STATION.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO NOTICE, BECAUSE
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IT’S NOT LIKE I MAKE IT A POINT OF STAYING GLUED TO THIS PHONY
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TELEVISED HUMAN GLADIATOR GARBAGE.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S SOFT AS FUCK. THEY BARELY EVEN TRY
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TO MAKE IT SEEM REAL. DAVE, I CONSIDER MYSELF A COSMOPOLITAN
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INDIVIDUAL. A MAN OF LEARNING? BUT AS A NATIVE ALTERNIAN, I’M
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ACTUALLY FUCKING OFFENDED BY THIS INSULTING DISPLAY OF NAMBY PAMBY
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PAGEANTRY.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ANYWAY, THE MORE I WATCH, I CAN’T HELP
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BUT NOTICE THE CAMERA’S LECHEROUS FIXATION ON THIS BOY’S VOLUPTUOUS
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POSTERIOR.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CAN’T SAY I BLAME THEM, I GUESS??? AT
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LEAST IT SHOWS THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT’S PAYING THE FUCKING BILLS,
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BECAUSE IT SURE AS HELL ISN’T THE QUALITY OF THE SLAM POETRY.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ok who gives a shit about that</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: although it pleases me to hear you taking
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note of the economics of this broadcast since it is apropos to the
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topic at hand but more on that later</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: APROPOS TO FUCKING WHAT?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE TIME TO “SCOPE THE LATEST
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MEME,” DAVE. YOU ARE COMING PERILOUSLY CLOSE TO CUTTING INTO MY
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IMPORTANT LEISURE TIME AS IT IS.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: leisure time</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: this is all you ever do all day</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: also its not a meme its much more
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important</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH, EXCUSE ME, HOT SHOT. BUT WHAT
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POSSIBLY COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE LATEST MEME?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT WAS A JOKE, FYI. NOW LEAVE.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jane is running for president</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave scoots a foot and a half closer so that
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they can both read the news on his phone. Karkat tips his head to
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the side to get a better view, until it bumps against Dave’s
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shoulder.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="dave">DAVE: got the announcement right here</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU MEAN PRESIDENT OF EARTH?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE WANT TO DO
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THAT?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno crocker is just an ambitious woman i
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guess</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THIS SOUNDS FUCKING AWFUL.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh it is</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: it absolutely is</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: also like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dont tell her i said this but</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i think shes basically a fascist</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY WOULD I TELL HER YOU SAID THAT?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHEN THE FUCK WAS THE LAST TIME EITHER OF
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US HAD FUCK ALL TO DO WITH *JANE*</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: no i know</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: just like, a figure of speech i guess</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh also shes a fucking xenophobe</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OF COURSE SHE’S A XENOPHOBE!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat, without drastically altering his
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position on the couch, turns his head so that he can look Dave
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straight in the sunglasses.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE NOTICED,
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BUT</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: A LOT OF HUMANS ARE???</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah ive noticed</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE EVEN MEAN
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SHE’S “RUNNING”</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT A COMPLETE LOAD OF SHIT?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SHE’S A GOD. WHICH ONE OF THE TOADYING
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IDIOTS ON THIS PLANET WOULD DARE TO RUN AGAINST HER.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SHE’S GOING TO WIN IN A LANDSLIDE,
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ASSUMING SHE DOESN’T JUST WALTZ INTO OFFICE UNCONTESTED.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah i dont disagree</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: which is why we have to stop her</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HUH?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SAYING?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ARE YOU TELLING ME *YOU’RE* GOING TO RUN
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AGAINST JANE?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat’s laughter is uproarious, incredulous.
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He reaches for another beetle as his guffaws subside, and eats it
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in a manner he hopes will convey his casual contempt for Dave’s
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insinuation.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? DO YOU
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HAVE ANY IDEA HOW *RICH* SHE IS?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dude were all rich</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: we like invented the fucking economy</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WELL, YEAH</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT NOT LIKE</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: *CROCKER* RICH</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway no</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: im not running</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: you are</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat stops chewing his beetle and does a
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literal spit take right into Dave’s face.</p>
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2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ME???????????????</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah man</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its perfect</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: youre the ideal opponent to take her down and
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tbh just what this planet needs</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO I’M NOT!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WE ESTABLISHED THIS... HOW MANY YEARS
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AGO?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M NOT A LEADER. I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE
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ONE.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JANE PROBABLY IS. ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR,
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I’M AGREEING WITH YOU, SHE’S A COMPLETE ASSHOLE.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M JUST NOT THE ONE TO RUN AN EFFECTIVE
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OPPOSITION CAMPAIGN. WHERE... HOW...</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I WOULDN’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: obviously you wouldnt do it on your own i
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would help</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: id be like your campaign manager, or chief
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strategy guy or whatever</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: also youre wrong</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: you were meant to be a leader and youd be a
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good one</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: just not the kind of leader you always
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thought youd be</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: not a bellicose conquering dickhead who
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commands “fear and respect”</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: just a guy who is cool and nice and actually
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cares about stuff and everyone loves them for that reason</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: PEOPLE DON’T LOVE ME!!!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: youre breaking my heart dude</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: brb gonna hit the toilet for a quick power
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sob</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: it still amazes me how little awareness you
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genuinely seem to have of how insanely popular you are on this
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planet</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its fucking adorable</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU’RE WRONG! ALL I SEE IS JAKE ON TV!
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AND JANE IN THE NEWS STORIES ABOUT HER STUPID BUSINESS, AND DIRK
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DOING WHATEVER... FUCKED UP SHIT HE’S DOING WITH HIS CELEBRITY
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PRESENCE??</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I SEE YOUR MUG A LOT TOO, MR. FUCKING
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POLITICAL PUPPET MASTER.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU’D GET MORE VOTES THAN ME, AND YOU
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KNOW IT. YOU’RE PROBABLY JUST A COWARD!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: you only see famous humans on tv because you
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just avoid all troll kingdom channels deliberately</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: you hate it whenever you see yourself on
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tv</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dont pretend i dont notice you change the
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channel as fast as possible whenever you see yourself</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH WELL MAYBE I</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat hesitates, then slouches back into the
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couch cushions, restoring the customary foot and a half of space he
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and Dave usually keep between them except when watching horror
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movies, eating chips, or talking about the top six hundred stupid
|
|
|
|
|
things Karkat saw earlier that day because he made his intrepid
|
|
|
|
|
annual decision to go outside.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MAYBE I DON’T ACTUALLY LIKE BEING
|
|
|
|
|
FAMOUS?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AND MAYBE THAT’S AS GOOD A FUCKING REASON
|
|
|
|
|
AS ANY *NOT TO RUN FOR THE FUCKING PRESIDENCY OF EARTH*?????</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NOT TO MENTION THE IDEA OF AN ELECTION IS
|
|
|
|
|
KIND OF A FUCKED UP AND WEIRD THING TO ME CULTURALLY ANYWAY, AND
|
|
|
|
|
I’M STILL KIND OF GETTING USED TO THE IDEA THAT PEOPLE CAN JUST...
|
|
|
|
|
“CHOOSE” THEIR FUCKING LEADERS AND NOT HAVE THE SAME OLD MERCILESS
|
|
|
|
|
BITCH IN POWER FOR SEVERAL MILLION YEARS.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: well what better way to acquaint yourself
|
|
|
|
|
with democracy than to take a crack at high office yourself</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude seriously you would absolutely kill it
|
|
|
|
|
with the troll voting block</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: the entire kingdom would vote for you</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: theyd go ballistic if they heard a troll
|
|
|
|
|
actually had the guts to run against jane, let alone one of their
|
|
|
|
|
heroes</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: and frankly just between you and me</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: jane is...</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: how do i put this</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok ill just be the one to come out and say
|
|
|
|
|
it</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: shes going to be a fucking disaster for the
|
|
|
|
|
economy</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i guess i have to admit</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: part of this</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: for me personally</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: its</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING DAVE</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: its about obama</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="no-indent">Very slowly, Karkat raises his right palm and
|
|
|
|
|
forcefully unites it with his own face.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: he barely even got a chance to prove
|
|
|
|
|
himself</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: he was sworn into office and it was cool and
|
|
|
|
|
everything was gonna be great but then</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: everyone died a few months later because of
|
|
|
|
|
meteors</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude was just gettin warmed up... so sad</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i wonder if he would have fixed the
|
|
|
|
|
economy</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i bet he would have fixed the economy</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, AS MUCH AS I ENJOY LISTENING TO YOU
|
|
|
|
|
RAMBLE THROUGH YET ANOTHER CHAPTER OF YOUR FREESTYLE OBAMA FAN
|
|
|
|
|
FICTION</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DON’T YOU ALREADY HAVE A BASIS FOR
|
|
|
|
|
KNOWING HOW HIS PRESIDENCY WOULD HAVE GONE?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I MEAN, WASN’T HE PRESIDENT IN THE TIME
|
|
|
|
|
LINE JANE GREW UP IN TOO?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean yeah of course i know that</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i just dont like to think much about that
|
|
|
|
|
time line</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: it doesnt really feel like its</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: canon?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DIDN’T SOME CLOWNS TAKE OVER THE WORLD OR
|
|
|
|
|
SOMETHING?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dont wanna talk about it</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: the point is</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: in the world that mattered more, i mean
|
|
|
|
|
like</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: the one i belonged to that i used to imagine
|
|
|
|
|
had a real future</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: that didnt involve meteors or a fish dictator
|
|
|
|
|
or the american political landscape turning into a nightmarish
|
|
|
|
|
daily joke</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i still wonder what could have been</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: if the O man coulda saved us all</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but instead he died probably</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: or maybe not... maybe there was like an
|
|
|
|
|
escape hatch in the white house that led to his own secret
|
|
|
|
|
presidential session of sburb</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: what if hes just chillin there now</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, I THINK WE’VE COVERED YOUR “OBAMA’S
|
|
|
|
|
SECRET SESSION OF SBURB” THEORY WELL ENOUGH ALREADY.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i know i know</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: im just saying is all</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DREAM! I FUCKING GET
|
|
|
|
|
IT.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but yeah its more likely he just died</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but maybe it doesnt have to be in vain</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: what if he died for our sins or something</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HMM! SOUNDS FUCKING MEANINGLESS.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but i mean what if like</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: he could be reborn</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YES, WE’VE BEEN OVER YOUR OBAMA GOD TIER
|
|
|
|
|
HEADCANONS TOO.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: no like</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: reborn as you</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: metaphorically</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: you could be the great president he never got
|
|
|
|
|
the chance to be</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: you could give the people hope and shit</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: you could inspire trolls everywhere</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: or really all nonhuman kingdoms</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: show them anybody could be a president</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: not just an endless parade of rich humans who
|
|
|
|
|
think they all know whats best for everybody</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, I’M PRETTY SURE ANYONE *COULD* BE
|
|
|
|
|
PRESIDENT?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S ALWAYS SEEMED TO ME THAT HUMANS JUST
|
|
|
|
|
SEEM TO BE MORE NATURALLY AMBITIOUS, AND THAT’S WHY THE POWER
|
|
|
|
|
STRUCTURES TOOK THE SHAPE THEY DID THE LAST FEW MILLENNIA.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I MEAN, I DON’T CLAIM TO BE AN EXPERT ON
|
|
|
|
|
XENOPSYCHOLOGY, BUT FOR SOME REASON I STRUGGLE TO IMAGINE A FUCKING
|
|
|
|
|
SALAMANDER GETTING THE GUMPTION TO THROW HIS CRUMPLED HAT INTO THE
|
|
|
|
|
RING FOR THE PRESIDENCY OF EARTH.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OR THE CARAPACIANS FOR THAT MATTER?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THESE ARE NOT AMBITIOUS CREATURES WE’RE
|
|
|
|
|
TALKING ABOUT HERE, DAVE.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THEY’RE A HUGE FLOCK OF WOOLBEASTS,
|
|
|
|
|
DAVE.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: karkat dont stereotype</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: remember the mayor</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: remember how at one point a long time ago he
|
|
|
|
|
raised an army and rebelled against an evil king</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH YEAH</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SOMEHOW I ALWAYS FORGET HE DID THAT.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: KIND OF MIND BOGGLING, REALLY.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, I MISS THE MAYOR.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: me too</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="no-indent">Dave and Karkat both observe a moment of
|
|
|
|
|
silence—a delicate and trembling pause of utmost respect to perhaps
|
|
|
|
|
the greatest and purest being who had ever come forth from Paradox
|
|
|
|
|
Space. Dave pats Karkat’s knee comfortingly, and Karkat lets out a
|
|
|
|
|
quivering breath of sorrow, of remembrance.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p>Into this reverent silence, Dave says:</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i think he would be totally in favor of my
|
|
|
|
|
idea btw</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: he loved democracy</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO SHIT, HE WAS A FUCKING MAYOR.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean forget all the lizards and chess guys
|
|
|
|
|
for a second</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: just imagine the good you could do for the
|
|
|
|
|
troll kingdom</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: you would do a much better job of speaking to
|
|
|
|
|
the injustices trolls face than jane would</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT INJUSTICES</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude please</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: where to even begin</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i know earth c has generally been a pretty
|
|
|
|
|
chill place to live but theres been some shit going on that is
|
|
|
|
|
legit creepy</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: all this “population regulation” bullshit
|
|
|
|
|
thats been going on since we basically set up civilization and
|
|
|
|
|
peaced out to the future</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: when you think about its long term
|
|
|
|
|
consequences its been fuckin weird</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: like the government being responsible for
|
|
|
|
|
troll reproduction through cloning</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: a government that just happens to be
|
|
|
|
|
predominantly human most of the time?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: like it makes sense on paper at first, no
|
|
|
|
|
mother grub, gotta keep the race going and expand the population
|
|
|
|
|
for a good while and get the numbers up</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: until kanaya gets here and hatches the grub
|
|
|
|
|
and then i guess a system of “natural reproduction” can take over
|
|
|
|
|
in theory but</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: after so many centuries of that shit doesnt
|
|
|
|
|
the weird political imbalance like</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: get entrenched??</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="no-indent">There’s a measure of real concern and passion
|
|
|
|
|
working its way into Dave’s voice. Karkat, despite his typical
|
|
|
|
|
front of loud indignation, hangs on every word.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: and once rose and kanaya crank out a few more
|
|
|
|
|
broods in the caverns i guess were supposed to think its all fixed
|
|
|
|
|
right</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: back to Trolls As Usual or something</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but do you really think the human kingdom is
|
|
|
|
|
going to just sit back and let the troll race proliferate wildly
|
|
|
|
|
all over earth</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: turn it into another alternian empire</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: folks know the history</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: they know about the condesce and all the
|
|
|
|
|
violence and the hemospectrum and shit</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: theyre scared to death of the possibility
|
|
|
|
|
that trolls could run wild all over the planet</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, I KNOW ALL THIS.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IN FACT, *YOU* KNOW ALL OF THIS BECAUSE
|
|
|
|
|
YOU’VE HEARD ME SAY IT TO KANAYA A THOUSAND TIMES.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ACTUALLY, IN AN EFFORT TO NOT GO FUCKING
|
|
|
|
|
INSANE, I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE!</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: well maybe its time to start thinking about
|
|
|
|
|
it again</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: bro did u know, sitting on the sidelines in
|
|
|
|
|
the face of oppression is tantamount to siding with the
|
|
|
|
|
oppressors</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UHNGH.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: you think a crocker administration is really
|
|
|
|
|
going to go through with plans to deregulate troll breeding?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: she knows exactly what her base wants</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i can already see the dog whistles in this
|
|
|
|
|
press release she isnt gonna do shit</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: and really man</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: if nothing else and i truly mean NOTHING</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: please</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: for the love of christ</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: think of the economy</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ARRRGH!!!!</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="no-indent">The outburst is all Karkat can do to release
|
|
|
|
|
whatever tension Dave’s impassioned appeal was causing to brew
|
|
|
|
|
inside him. Motherfucker literally just told him to think of the
|
|
|
|
|
economy.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: jane has this reputation for being awesome at
|
|
|
|
|
business but imo she actually just sucks</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: she doesnt seem to be even remotely aware how
|
|
|
|
|
much shes leveraged her status as a god to become a bigshot
|
|
|
|
|
trillionaire</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i think she thinks its all pure business
|
|
|
|
|
acumen but i think she doesnt really know what shes doing</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: fuckers left and right just be tripping all
|
|
|
|
|
day long to give her money hand over fist</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: of course shes gonna milk her biz cred for
|
|
|
|
|
all its worth in this election</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: shes probably a much better politician than a
|
|
|
|
|
businesswoman actually she is like</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: sinister as fuck? i mean</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: she hides it well dont get me wrong</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: also she isnt too hard on the eyes which wont
|
|
|
|
|
hurt her chances one bit</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but shes going to be BRUTAL on their
|
|
|
|
|
pocketbooks just you wait</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: she doesnt know the nuances of sound
|
|
|
|
|
comprehensive fiscal policy like i do</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: my skills are fucking legendary</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i manipulated the stock market to assume
|
|
|
|
|
control of the literal majority of all currency on the planet
|
|
|
|
|
once</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: granted the economy was run by lobotomized
|
|
|
|
|
reptiles but still</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: wait that was speciesist sorry</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: the point stands though i know what im
|
|
|
|
|
doing</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: what do you think is going to happen when
|
|
|
|
|
jane takes over and the economy crashes</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I...</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW???</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: its going to be pandemonium</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WILL IT ACTUALLY BE THOUGH?!</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: well</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok if shit goes sideways i guess we arent
|
|
|
|
|
gonna see like raggedy turtles and pauper chess men standing in
|
|
|
|
|
bread lines or anything</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats just the nature of alchemy-based
|
|
|
|
|
post-scarcity economies the depressions tend to be pretty mild</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but it will still be bad</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: a healthy economy is fuckin IMPORTANT</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: if for no other reason than it protects the
|
|
|
|
|
societal context for what it means to be fucking rich, like us</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JUST A THOUGHT. LET’S COME UP WITH A
|
|
|
|
|
DIFFERENT CAMPAIGN SLOGAN THAN THAT, OK?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but the point is just</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i guess</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: she sucks and shouldnt be president the
|
|
|
|
|
end</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: you dont even have to think about economic
|
|
|
|
|
shit i can do that for you</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: ill be like the treasury secretary or
|
|
|
|
|
something</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: just please tell me youll do this</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: do it for the trolls do it for the economy do
|
|
|
|
|
it for the mayor</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but most of all</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: (sniff)</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="no-indent">Dave wipes an invisible tear from beneath the
|
|
|
|
|
rim of his sunglasses.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: do it for obama</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT DAVE.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T REALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT
|
|
|
|
|
POLITICS, OR BEING A LEADER ANYMORE, AND I THINK YOU KNOW THAT.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE ECONOMY, AND WHILE
|
|
|
|
|
I’M SURE THIS OBAMA FELLOW WAS A HELL OF A GUY, I COULDN’T GIVE
|
|
|
|
|
LESS A FUCK ABOUT HIM EITHER.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT...</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DO CARE ABOUT YOU.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="no-indent">Dave smiles.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SO</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’LL DO IT.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY NOT.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: nice!</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: aw yeah</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: you wont regret it this is gonna be dope</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i think we have a great shot too</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: with my political savvy and economic genius
|
|
|
|
|
and outrageous flair for subversive anti establishment messaging
|
|
|
|
|
and propaganda, and your big loud fucking mouth...</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: um i guess also your charisma and likability
|
|
|
|
|
and shit</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT...</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M PRETTY SURE I CAN FAKE THOSE THINGS
|
|
|
|
|
WELL ENOUGH.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh also</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: your weirdly sincere humility</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I PREFER THE TERM “SELF LOATHING”
|
|
|
|
|
ACTUALLY.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok lets try to avoid that phrase on the
|
|
|
|
|
campaign trail too</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THIS ALREADY SOUNDS LIKE A PAIN IN THE
|
|
|
|
|
ASS.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="no-indent">There’s a gap of silence in the conversation,
|
|
|
|
|
long enough for the audio from the television to become noticeable.
|
|
|
|
|
Jake is rambling out a truly dire piece of slam poetry that
|
|
|
|
|
involves—with zero hint of irony—the terms <em>batty-fang</em> and
|
|
|
|
|
<em>mad as hops</em>. The neon light blaring out from the screen
|
|
|
|
|
casts long waves of color along the black walls of the hive and
|
|
|
|
|
bounces off the glass of the framed print of Dave’s “least
|
|
|
|
|
psychologically revealing <em>SBaHJ</em> strip.” Karkat sighs and
|
|
|
|
|
rubs the space between his horns.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CAN’T I JUST</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: READ A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT YOU WRITE FOR ME
|
|
|
|
|
OFF A TELEPROMPTER?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah there will definitely be plenty of
|
|
|
|
|
that</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="no-indent">Dave grabs his tablet off the shelf. He pivots
|
|
|
|
|
back around and points the pen straight at Karkat. The arc of his
|
|
|
|
|
arm’s motion is polished and decisive even though it’s been a long
|
|
|
|
|
time since he’s properly used a sword.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but you also need to be natural and speak
|
|
|
|
|
from the heart and shit</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: just like</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: talk to your people</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: about stuff they care about</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: “MY PEOPLE”?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU MEAN TROLLS??</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah i guess that sounded bad sorry</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but yeah exactly</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: trolls</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats gonna be your base so you gotta rile em
|
|
|
|
|
up</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: inspire them</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dont think you need any fancy speeches to
|
|
|
|
|
do that youll be a natural</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IF YOU SAY SO.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SO WHAT DO WE ACTUALLY... DO?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I MEAN, NEXT?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="no-indent">Dave plops down on the floor and gestures for
|
|
|
|
|
Karkat to join him on the cold stone. He swipes the tablet on and
|
|
|
|
|
taps the screen with the pen. Karkat lies down on his stomach and
|
|
|
|
|
props his chin on his palms so that he can watch Dave scribble
|
|
|
|
|
political ambitions directly into the shittiest paint program on
|
|
|
|
|
his OS.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: time to talk some strategy</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: we need to rally as much high profile support
|
|
|
|
|
to our cause as we can</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but there are some uh</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: “lines of loyalty” to figure out</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean which of our friends are going to side
|
|
|
|
|
with us and which ones will side with jane</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: pretty much all of us are famous and popular
|
|
|
|
|
all over earth to some degree</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: some of us more so with certain kingdoms than
|
|
|
|
|
others</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: so some key endorsements going either way
|
|
|
|
|
could swing the whole election</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH, GREAT</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SO IT ALL COMES DOWN TO HOW MANY FAMOUS
|
|
|
|
|
HUMANS LIKE ME BETTER THAN JANE?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WE’RE FUCKED.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: well no not so fast</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: lets think it through</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: youll have overwhelming support in the troll
|
|
|
|
|
kingdom and so does kanaya</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: shes pretty much a lock to be on your
|
|
|
|
|
side</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: dirk unfortunately is just as much a lock for
|
|
|
|
|
jane im gonna guess</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but after that its kind of a free for all</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: roxy and calliope will probably be
|
|
|
|
|
neutral</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: they have a lot of pull with the carapacians
|
|
|
|
|
though so that would be a nice score to sway them</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: rose will probably claim neutrality at first
|
|
|
|
|
but im betting she can be cajoled by her wife to our side</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: and once we get rose converting roxy probably
|
|
|
|
|
wont be too hard</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: as for jade...</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="no-indent">They stare at each other. Karkat sighs and
|
|
|
|
|
Dave raps his pen against the tablet screen in a slow, uneven
|
|
|
|
|
staccato.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: uh</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i think its fair to say shes going to be on
|
|
|
|
|
our side</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: maybe a little too much so</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UM, YEAH</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I WASN’T GOING TO BE THE ONE TO SAY IT,
|
|
|
|
|
BUT YEAH, I GET WHAT YOU MEAN.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: of course we want her help and her
|
|
|
|
|
endorsement will go a long way but</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i think we gotta sort out like</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: a hierarchical approach to campaign
|
|
|
|
|
strategy</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: keep it organized and disciplined with roles
|
|
|
|
|
well defined</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: not let things get too murky with uh</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: personal shit?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I THINK WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE HERE,
|
|
|
|
|
DAVE.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok cool</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway lets come back to the jade issue
|
|
|
|
|
later</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: uh lets see who else</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: EGBERT?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: right</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: john should be easy to convince but im not
|
|
|
|
|
sure how much of a factor hell be in this campaign</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: have no idea how long hell be away on this
|
|
|
|
|
“mission” rose mentioned</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT? WHAT MISSION?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: dunno shes been hella cagey about it</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: swore me to secrecy until the right time
|
|
|
|
|
whenever that is</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway his endorsement would go a long way in
|
|
|
|
|
swinging the consort kingdom</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT WOULD BE HUGE.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AREN’T THERE LIKE</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: 100 BILLION OF THOSE FUCKERS?</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SECURING THAT VOTING BLOCK SHOULD BE ABLE
|
|
|
|
|
TO WIN THE WHOLE THING FOR US.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: well no the population isnt THAT big but yes
|
|
|
|
|
its by far the most populous kingdom</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: swinging them our way should help a lot but
|
|
|
|
|
it wont be enough to decide the whole thing</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: consorts overwhelm the other kingdoms in
|
|
|
|
|
sheer numbers but due to unscrupulous gerrymandering, all kinds of
|
|
|
|
|
fucked up voter suppression policies and some electoral
|
|
|
|
|
“counterbalancing” measures to account for their ridiculous
|
|
|
|
|
population growth rate their voting power per capita is kind of
|
|
|
|
|
pathetic</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: also its hard to drive turnout</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: this may come as a shock but legions of
|
|
|
|
|
easily distracted low information amphibians primarily concerned
|
|
|
|
|
with eating bugs and farming god damned mushrooms arent the most
|
|
|
|
|
politically motivated demographic</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: so to get them out to the polls well need to
|
|
|
|
|
get them REALLY excited</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OK.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO TRUST YOUR EXPERTISE
|
|
|
|
|
ON THAT, SINCE I DON’T KNOW THE FIRST FUCKING THING ABOUT HOW TO
|
|
|
|
|
INSPIRE AN UNINTELLIGENT LIZARD.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah well</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dont either</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: but that brings us to jake</p>
|
|
|
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="no-indent">Jake’s butt flexes on the television, as if in
|
|
|
|
|
response. Karkat cannot avoid watching it from the corner of his
|
|
|
|
|
eye.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
|
|
|
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH, FUCK.</p>
|
|
|
|
|
<p class="dave">DAVE: no this is important</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jake is a huge wild card here</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: im sure his endorsement would be completely
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up for grabs</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: he could go any way including just getting
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turned off by the whole thing and staying “apolitical”</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so we have to be careful about how we
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approach him</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jake is the only one of us whos wildly
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popular in all four kingdoms</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WELL, I CAN’T ARGUE WITH THAT.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah so an endorsement from him would be
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huge</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: seriously just running one ad of him doing
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his double pistol winking bullshit with a thing under it saying
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“VOTE KARKAT” might be enough to win the whole election</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: just have to get the fickle bastard to agree
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to that which could be tricky</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and honestly id be shocked if jane hasnt
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already started courting his vote</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: theres no way she doesnt understand the
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political stakes</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SO...</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THE JAKESTAKES
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THEN.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: pretty much</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: the jakestakes 2.0</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THERE WAS A 1.0?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh thats like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: a whole story</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IS THIS GOING TO BE ANOTHER ANECDOTE
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ABOUT THE JAKE SQUAD I WON’T CARE ABOUT AND DON’T WANT TO FUCKING
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HEAR?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: that sounds like the exact kind of opinion
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youd have about it so yeah</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THEN I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR ABOUT
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IT.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ok</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: hmm</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: shit hold up</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave fishes his phone out from his lap.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dirks calling me</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE WANT?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: idk he just calls me out of the blue from
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time to time to talk shit</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: usually about nothing whatsoever</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: hell probably joke about how he needs me to
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cut off his head</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HUH???</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its a running gag hes been running into the
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ground for years</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: motherfucker is dedicated to his memes ill
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give him that</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU SAID HE’S GOING TO BE A CROCKER
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LOYALIST RIGHT?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh absolutely</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: no doubt about it</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU DON’T THINK HE’S TRYING TO DO
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SOME...</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: RECONNAISSANCE WORK HERE?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: LIKE, INTEL GATHERING?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: he doesnt even know youre entering the race
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yet</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: no one does</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OK. GOOD.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I GUESS YOU’D BETTER ANSWER THEN.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ok well i missed the call while we were
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bullshitting about it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but yeah ill just call him back now</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave hits the callback button. On the
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television, Dirk’s phone begins ringing.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
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|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
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<p class="dave">DAVE: sup</p>
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Hey dude.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave hears the reply through his phone, and
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then a moment later, through the TV, due to the broadcasting delay.
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The whole show has stopped so that Dirk can take this call. The
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camera zooms in on where he’s casually lying on the mat, bruised
|
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and a little bit bloody. In the background, Jake strikes an
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attractive, cocked-hip pose. He’s spinning a revolver around on one
|
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finger, affecting an aura of attractive indifference, but the look
|
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he’s shooting his sparring partner is caught halfway between
|
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confused and exasperated.</p>
|
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<p>Karkat looks from Dave to the TV and back again.</p>
|
2020-03-29 12:23:21 -05:00
|
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|
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
2019-09-28 00:26:39 -05:00
|
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Got your sword handy?</p>
|
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<p class="dave">DAVE: always</p>
|
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: Good. See, I’m in sort a bind here.</p>
|
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<p class="dirk">DIRK: And I’m afraid there’s only one way out.</p>
|
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OK, I’M FUCKING LEAVING.</p>
|
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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</body>
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</html>
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