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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat - Chapter 2</title>
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<h1>Chapter 2</h1>
<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: bro</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">In the heart of the Troll Kingdom’s capital
city, Dave and Karkat are sitting on their couch with a foot and a
half of space between them. It’s a typically picturesque day
outside, but Karkat has the curtains drawn shut all the way. This
is part of their compromise living situation: Dave puts up with the
trollish non-euclidean architecture and bizarre social mores, and
Karkat has adjusted his diurnal schedule to, in theory, see the
sun.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: bro you have got to check this out</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Karkat is leaning forward, munching on
chocolate-coated beetles and totally absorbed in what he’s
watching. The glow from the television highlights the dark bags
under his eyes. Dave reaches out and, very gently, pokes Karkat in
the cheek. Karkat flinches out of his full-body slouch.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NOT NOW DAVE. JAKE’S ASS IS ON TV
AGAIN.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: stop ogling jakes ass this is important</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHOSE ASS
I SHOULD STOP OGLING.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: LOOK. IT’S ABSOLUTELY HYPNOTIC.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I MEAN, NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY, PER SE.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: of course</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave casts a weary look towards the TV, where
Jake English is shamelessly exhibiting what is definitely his best
feature in front of a live studio audience. This is a regular
highlight of his and Dirk’s hit television show, <em>RUMBLE IN DA
PUMPKIN PATCH</em>, a schizophrenic cross-section of rap battle and
robot wrestling that Rose once described as “an exploitative,
almost Dada-esque clusterfuck of circumlocutory pretension and
sweaty, homoerotic astriction.” Jake came up with the title for the
show, and Dirk absolutely loathed it. However, before Dirk could
insist on an alternative, Jake had already posted an online poll
pitting his idea against “Whatever dirks lame idea is.” Needless to
say, the second option was much less popular.</p>
<p>Karkat gestures at the televised spectacle, a bit
helplessly.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S ALL IN THE WAY IT’S BEING PROGRAMMED
BY THE STATION.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO NOTICE, BECAUSE
IT’S NOT LIKE I MAKE IT A POINT OF STAYING GLUED TO THIS PHONY
TELEVISED HUMAN GLADIATOR GARBAGE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S SOFT AS FUCK. THEY BARELY EVEN TRY
TO MAKE IT SEEM REAL. DAVE, I CONSIDER MYSELF A COSMOPOLITAN
INDIVIDUAL. A MAN OF LEARNING? BUT AS A NATIVE ALTERNIAN, I’M
ACTUALLY FUCKING OFFENDED BY THIS INSULTING DISPLAY OF NAMBY PAMBY
PAGEANTRY.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ANYWAY, THE MORE I WATCH, I CAN’T HELP
BUT NOTICE THE CAMERA’S LECHEROUS FIXATION ON THIS BOY’S VOLUPTUOUS
POSTERIOR.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CAN’T SAY I BLAME THEM, I GUESS??? AT
LEAST IT SHOWS THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT’S PAYING THE FUCKING BILLS,
BECAUSE IT SURE AS HELL ISN’T THE QUALITY OF THE SLAM POETRY.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok who gives a shit about that</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: although it pleases me to hear you taking
note of the economics of this broadcast since it is apropos to the
topic at hand but more on that later</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: APROPOS TO FUCKING WHAT?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE TIME TO “SCOPE THE LATEST
MEME,” DAVE. YOU ARE COMING PERILOUSLY CLOSE TO CUTTING INTO MY
IMPORTANT LEISURE TIME AS IT IS.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: leisure time</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: this is all you ever do all day</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: also its not a meme its much more
important</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH, EXCUSE ME, HOT SHOT. BUT WHAT
POSSIBLY COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE LATEST MEME?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT WAS A JOKE, FYI. NOW LEAVE.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: jane is running for president</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave scoots a foot and a half closer so that
they can both read the news on his phone. Karkat tips his head to
the side to get a better view, until it bumps against Dave’s
shoulder.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: got the announcement right here</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU MEAN PRESIDENT OF EARTH?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE WANT TO DO
THAT?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno crocker is just an ambitious woman i
guess</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THIS SOUNDS FUCKING AWFUL.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh it is</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: it absolutely is</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: also like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dont tell her i said this but</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i think shes basically a fascist</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY WOULD I TELL HER YOU SAID THAT?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHEN THE FUCK WAS THE LAST TIME EITHER OF
US HAD FUCK ALL TO DO WITH *JANE*</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: no i know</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: just like, a figure of speech i guess</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh also shes a fucking xenophobe</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OF COURSE SHE’S A XENOPHOBE!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Karkat, without drastically altering his
position on the couch, turns his head so that he can look Dave
straight in the sunglasses.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE NOTICED,
BUT</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: A LOT OF HUMANS ARE???</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah ive noticed</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE EVEN MEAN
SHE’S “RUNNING”</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT A COMPLETE LOAD OF SHIT?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SHE’S A GOD. WHICH ONE OF THE TOADYING
IDIOTS ON THIS PLANET WOULD DARE TO RUN AGAINST HER.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SHE’S GOING TO WIN IN A LANDSLIDE,
ASSUMING SHE DOESN’T JUST WALTZ INTO OFFICE UNCONTESTED.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah i dont disagree</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: which is why we have to stop her</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HUH?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SAYING?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ARE YOU TELLING ME *YOU’RE* GOING TO RUN
AGAINST JANE?</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Karkat’s laughter is uproarious, incredulous.
He reaches for another beetle as his guffaws subside, and eats it
in a manner he hopes will convey his casual contempt for Dave’s
insinuation.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? DO YOU
HAVE ANY IDEA HOW *RICH* SHE IS?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude were all rich</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: we like invented the fucking economy</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WELL, YEAH</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT NOT LIKE</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: *CROCKER* RICH</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway no</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: im not running</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you are</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Karkat stops chewing his beetle and does a
literal spit take right into Dave’s face.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ME???????????????</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah man</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: its perfect</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: youre the ideal opponent to take her down and
tbh just what this planet needs</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO I’M NOT!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WE ESTABLISHED THIS... HOW MANY YEARS
AGO?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M NOT A LEADER. I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE
ONE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JANE PROBABLY IS. ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR,
I’M AGREEING WITH YOU, SHE’S A COMPLETE ASSHOLE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M JUST NOT THE ONE TO RUN AN EFFECTIVE
OPPOSITION CAMPAIGN. WHERE... HOW...</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I WOULDN’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: obviously you wouldnt do it on your own i
would help</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: id be like your campaign manager, or chief
strategy guy or whatever</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: also youre wrong</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you were meant to be a leader and youd be a
good one</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: just not the kind of leader you always
thought youd be</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: not a bellicose conquering dickhead who
commands “fear and respect”</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: just a guy who is cool and nice and actually
cares about stuff and everyone loves them for that reason</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: PEOPLE DON’T LOVE ME!!!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: youre breaking my heart dude</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: brb gonna hit the toilet for a quick power
sob</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: it still amazes me how little awareness you
genuinely seem to have of how insanely popular you are on this
planet</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: its fucking adorable</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU’RE WRONG! ALL I SEE IS JAKE ON TV!
AND JANE IN THE NEWS STORIES ABOUT HER STUPID BUSINESS, AND DIRK
DOING WHATEVER... FUCKED UP SHIT HE’S DOING WITH HIS CELEBRITY
PRESENCE??</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I SEE YOUR MUG A LOT TOO, MR. FUCKING
POLITICAL PUPPET MASTER.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU’D GET MORE VOTES THAN ME, AND YOU
KNOW IT. YOU’RE PROBABLY JUST A COWARD!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you only see famous humans on tv because you
just avoid all troll kingdom channels deliberately</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you hate it whenever you see yourself on
tv</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dont pretend i dont notice you change the
channel as fast as possible whenever you see yourself</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH WELL MAYBE I</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Karkat hesitates, then slouches back into the
couch cushions, restoring the customary foot and a half of space he
and Dave usually keep between them except when watching horror
movies, eating chips, or talking about the top six hundred stupid
things Karkat saw earlier that day because he made his intrepid
annual decision to go outside.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MAYBE I DON’T ACTUALLY LIKE BEING
FAMOUS?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AND MAYBE THAT’S AS GOOD A FUCKING REASON
AS ANY *NOT TO RUN FOR THE FUCKING PRESIDENCY OF EARTH*?????</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NOT TO MENTION THE IDEA OF AN ELECTION IS
KIND OF A FUCKED UP AND WEIRD THING TO ME CULTURALLY ANYWAY, AND
I’M STILL KIND OF GETTING USED TO THE IDEA THAT PEOPLE CAN JUST...
“CHOOSE” THEIR FUCKING LEADERS AND NOT HAVE THE SAME OLD MERCILESS
BITCH IN POWER FOR SEVERAL MILLION YEARS.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: well what better way to acquaint yourself
with democracy than to take a crack at high office yourself</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude seriously you would absolutely kill it
with the troll voting block</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: the entire kingdom would vote for you</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: theyd go ballistic if they heard a troll
actually had the guts to run against jane, let alone one of their
heroes</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: and frankly just between you and me</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: jane is...</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: how do i put this</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok ill just be the one to come out and say
it</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: shes going to be a fucking disaster for the
economy</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i guess i have to admit</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: part of this</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: for me personally</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: its</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING DAVE</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: its about obama</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Very slowly, Karkat raises his right palm and
forcefully unites it with his own face.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: he barely even got a chance to prove
himself</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: he was sworn into office and it was cool and
everything was gonna be great but then</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: everyone died a few months later because of
meteors</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude was just gettin warmed up... so sad</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i wonder if he would have fixed the
economy</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i bet he would have fixed the economy</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, AS MUCH AS I ENJOY LISTENING TO YOU
RAMBLE THROUGH YET ANOTHER CHAPTER OF YOUR FREESTYLE OBAMA FAN
FICTION</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DON’T YOU ALREADY HAVE A BASIS FOR
KNOWING HOW HIS PRESIDENCY WOULD HAVE GONE?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I MEAN, WASN’T HE PRESIDENT IN THE TIME
LINE JANE GREW UP IN TOO?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean yeah of course i know that</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i just dont like to think much about that
time line</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: it doesnt really feel like its</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: canon?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DIDN’T SOME CLOWNS TAKE OVER THE WORLD OR
SOMETHING?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dont wanna talk about it</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: the point is</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: in the world that mattered more, i mean
like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: the one i belonged to that i used to imagine
had a real future</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: that didnt involve meteors or a fish dictator
or the american political landscape turning into a nightmarish
daily joke</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i still wonder what could have been</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: if the O man coulda saved us all</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but instead he died probably</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: or maybe not... maybe there was like an
escape hatch in the white house that led to his own secret
presidential session of sburb</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: what if hes just chillin there now</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, I THINK WE’VE COVERED YOUR “OBAMA’S
SECRET SESSION OF SBURB” THEORY WELL ENOUGH ALREADY.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i know i know</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: im just saying is all</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DREAM! I FUCKING GET
IT.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but yeah its more likely he just died</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but maybe it doesnt have to be in vain</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: what if he died for our sins or something</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HMM! SOUNDS FUCKING MEANINGLESS.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but i mean what if like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: he could be reborn</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YES, WE’VE BEEN OVER YOUR OBAMA GOD TIER
HEADCANONS TOO.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: no like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: reborn as you</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: metaphorically</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you could be the great president he never got
the chance to be</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you could give the people hope and shit</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you could inspire trolls everywhere</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: or really all nonhuman kingdoms</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: show them anybody could be a president</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: not just an endless parade of rich humans who
think they all know whats best for everybody</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, I’M PRETTY SURE ANYONE *COULD* BE
PRESIDENT?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S ALWAYS SEEMED TO ME THAT HUMANS JUST
SEEM TO BE MORE NATURALLY AMBITIOUS, AND THAT’S WHY THE POWER
STRUCTURES TOOK THE SHAPE THEY DID THE LAST FEW MILLENNIA.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I MEAN, I DON’T CLAIM TO BE AN EXPERT ON
XENOPSYCHOLOGY, BUT FOR SOME REASON I STRUGGLE TO IMAGINE A FUCKING
SALAMANDER GETTING THE GUMPTION TO THROW HIS CRUMPLED HAT INTO THE
RING FOR THE PRESIDENCY OF EARTH.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OR THE CARAPACIANS FOR THAT MATTER?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THESE ARE NOT AMBITIOUS CREATURES WE’RE
TALKING ABOUT HERE, DAVE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THEY’RE A HUGE FLOCK OF WOOLBEASTS,
DAVE.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: karkat dont stereotype</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: remember the mayor</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: remember how at one point a long time ago he
raised an army and rebelled against an evil king</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH YEAH</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SOMEHOW I ALWAYS FORGET HE DID THAT.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: KIND OF MIND BOGGLING, REALLY.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, I MISS THE MAYOR.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: me too</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave and Karkat both observe a moment of
silence—a delicate and trembling pause of utmost respect to perhaps
the greatest and purest being who had ever come forth from Paradox
Space. Dave pats Karkat’s knee comfortingly, and Karkat lets out a
quivering breath of sorrow, of remembrance.</p>
<p>Into this reverent silence, Dave says:</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: i think he would be totally in favor of my
idea btw</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: he loved democracy</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO SHIT, HE WAS A FUCKING MAYOR.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean forget all the lizards and chess guys
for a second</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: just imagine the good you could do for the
troll kingdom</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you would do a much better job of speaking to
the injustices trolls face than jane would</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT INJUSTICES</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude please</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: where to even begin</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i know earth c has generally been a pretty
chill place to live but theres been some shit going on that is
legit creepy</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: all this “population regulation” bullshit
thats been going on since we basically set up civilization and
peaced out to the future</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: when you think about its long term
consequences its been fuckin weird</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: like the government being responsible for
troll reproduction through cloning</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: a government that just happens to be
predominantly human most of the time?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: like it makes sense on paper at first, no
mother grub, gotta keep the race going and expand the population
for a good while and get the numbers up</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: until kanaya gets here and hatches the grub
and then i guess a system of “natural reproduction” can take over
in theory but</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: after so many centuries of that shit doesnt
the weird political imbalance like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: get entrenched??</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">There’s a measure of real concern and passion
working its way into Dave’s voice. Karkat, despite his typical
front of loud indignation, hangs on every word.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: and once rose and kanaya crank out a few more
broods in the caverns i guess were supposed to think its all fixed
right</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: back to Trolls As Usual or something</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but do you really think the human kingdom is
going to just sit back and let the troll race proliferate wildly
all over earth</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: turn it into another alternian empire</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: folks know the history</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: they know about the condesce and all the
violence and the hemospectrum and shit</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: theyre scared to death of the possibility
that trolls could run wild all over the planet</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, I KNOW ALL THIS.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IN FACT, *YOU* KNOW ALL OF THIS BECAUSE
YOU’VE HEARD ME SAY IT TO KANAYA A THOUSAND TIMES.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ACTUALLY, IN AN EFFORT TO NOT GO FUCKING
INSANE, I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: well maybe its time to start thinking about
it again</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: bro did u know, sitting on the sidelines in
the face of oppression is tantamount to siding with the
oppressors</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UHNGH.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you think a crocker administration is really
going to go through with plans to deregulate troll breeding?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: she knows exactly what her base wants</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i can already see the dog whistles in this
press release she isnt gonna do shit</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: and really man</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: if nothing else and i truly mean NOTHING</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: please</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: for the love of christ</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: think of the economy</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ARRRGH!!!!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">The outburst is all Karkat can do to release
whatever tension Dave’s impassioned appeal was causing to brew
inside him. Motherfucker literally just told him to think of the
economy.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: jane has this reputation for being awesome at
business but imo she actually just sucks</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: she doesnt seem to be even remotely aware how
much shes leveraged her status as a god to become a bigshot
trillionaire</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i think she thinks its all pure business
acumen but i think she doesnt really know what shes doing</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: fuckers left and right just be tripping all
day long to give her money hand over fist</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: of course shes gonna milk her biz cred for
all its worth in this election</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: shes probably a much better politician than a
businesswoman actually she is like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: sinister as fuck? i mean</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: she hides it well dont get me wrong</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: also she isnt too hard on the eyes which wont
hurt her chances one bit</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but shes going to be BRUTAL on their
pocketbooks just you wait</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: she doesnt know the nuances of sound
comprehensive fiscal policy like i do</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: my skills are fucking legendary</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i manipulated the stock market to assume
control of the literal majority of all currency on the planet
once</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: granted the economy was run by lobotomized
reptiles but still</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: wait that was speciesist sorry</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: the point stands though i know what im
doing</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: what do you think is going to happen when
jane takes over and the economy crashes</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I...</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW???</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: its going to be pandemonium</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WILL IT ACTUALLY BE THOUGH?!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: well</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok if shit goes sideways i guess we arent
gonna see like raggedy turtles and pauper chess men standing in
bread lines or anything</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats just the nature of alchemy-based
post-scarcity economies the depressions tend to be pretty mild</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but it will still be bad</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: a healthy economy is fuckin IMPORTANT</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: if for no other reason than it protects the
societal context for what it means to be fucking rich, like us</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JUST A THOUGHT. LET’S COME UP WITH A
DIFFERENT CAMPAIGN SLOGAN THAN THAT, OK?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but the point is just</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i guess</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: she sucks and shouldnt be president the
end</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you dont even have to think about economic
shit i can do that for you</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ill be like the treasury secretary or
something</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: just please tell me youll do this</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: do it for the trolls do it for the economy do
it for the mayor</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but most of all</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: (sniff)</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave wipes an invisible tear from beneath the
rim of his sunglasses.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: do it for obama</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT DAVE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T REALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT
POLITICS, OR BEING A LEADER ANYMORE, AND I THINK YOU KNOW THAT.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE ECONOMY, AND WHILE
I’M SURE THIS OBAMA FELLOW WAS A HELL OF A GUY, I COULDN’T GIVE
LESS A FUCK ABOUT HIM EITHER.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT...</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DO CARE ABOUT YOU.</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave smiles.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SO</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’LL DO IT.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY NOT.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: nice!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: aw yeah</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you wont regret it this is gonna be dope</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i think we have a great shot too</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: with my political savvy and economic genius
and outrageous flair for subversive anti establishment messaging
and propaganda, and your big loud fucking mouth...</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: um i guess also your charisma and likability
and shit</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT...</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M PRETTY SURE I CAN FAKE THOSE THINGS
WELL ENOUGH.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh also</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: your weirdly sincere humility</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I PREFER THE TERM “SELF LOATHING”
ACTUALLY.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok lets try to avoid that phrase on the
campaign trail too</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THIS ALREADY SOUNDS LIKE A PAIN IN THE
ASS.</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">There’s a gap of silence in the conversation,
long enough for the audio from the television to become noticeable.
Jake is rambling out a truly dire piece of slam poetry that
involves—with zero hint of irony—the terms <em>batty-fang</em> and
<em>mad as hops</em>. The neon light blaring out from the screen
casts long waves of color along the black walls of the hive and
bounces off the glass of the framed print of Dave’s “least
psychologically revealing <em>SBaHJ</em> strip.” Karkat sighs and
rubs the space between his horns.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CAN’T I JUST</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: READ A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT YOU WRITE FOR ME
OFF A TELEPROMPTER?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah there will definitely be plenty of
that</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave grabs his tablet off the shelf. He pivots
back around and points the pen straight at Karkat. The arc of his
arm’s motion is polished and decisive even though it’s been a long
time since he’s properly used a sword.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: but you also need to be natural and speak
from the heart and shit</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: just like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: talk to your people</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: about stuff they care about</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: “MY PEOPLE”?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU MEAN TROLLS??</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah i guess that sounded bad sorry</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but yeah exactly</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: trolls</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats gonna be your base so you gotta rile em
up</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: inspire them</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dont think you need any fancy speeches to
do that youll be a natural</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IF YOU SAY SO.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SO WHAT DO WE ACTUALLY... DO?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I MEAN, NEXT?</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave plops down on the floor and gestures for
Karkat to join him on the cold stone. He swipes the tablet on and
taps the screen with the pen. Karkat lies down on his stomach and
props his chin on his palms so that he can watch Dave scribble
political ambitions directly into the shittiest paint program on
his OS.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: time to talk some strategy</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: we need to rally as much high profile support
to our cause as we can</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but there are some uh</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: “lines of loyalty” to figure out</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean which of our friends are going to side
with us and which ones will side with jane</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: pretty much all of us are famous and popular
all over earth to some degree</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: some of us more so with certain kingdoms than
others</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: so some key endorsements going either way
could swing the whole election</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH, GREAT</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SO IT ALL COMES DOWN TO HOW MANY FAMOUS
HUMANS LIKE ME BETTER THAN JANE?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WE’RE FUCKED.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: well no not so fast</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: lets think it through</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: youll have overwhelming support in the troll
kingdom and so does kanaya</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: shes pretty much a lock to be on your
side</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dirk unfortunately is just as much a lock for
jane im gonna guess</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but after that its kind of a free for all</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: roxy and calliope will probably be
neutral</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: they have a lot of pull with the carapacians
though so that would be a nice score to sway them</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: rose will probably claim neutrality at first
but im betting she can be cajoled by her wife to our side</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: and once we get rose converting roxy probably
wont be too hard</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: as for jade...</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">They stare at each other. Karkat sighs and
Dave raps his pen against the tablet screen in a slow, uneven
staccato.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: uh</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i think its fair to say shes going to be on
our side</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: maybe a little too much so</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UM, YEAH</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I WASN’T GOING TO BE THE ONE TO SAY IT,
BUT YEAH, I GET WHAT YOU MEAN.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: of course we want her help and her
endorsement will go a long way but</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i think we gotta sort out like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: a hierarchical approach to campaign
strategy</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: keep it organized and disciplined with roles
well defined</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: not let things get too murky with uh</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: personal shit?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I THINK WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE HERE,
DAVE.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok cool</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway lets come back to the jade issue
later</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: uh lets see who else</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: EGBERT?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: right</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: john should be easy to convince but im not
sure how much of a factor hell be in this campaign</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: have no idea how long hell be away on this
“mission” rose mentioned</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT? WHAT MISSION?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dunno shes been hella cagey about it</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: swore me to secrecy until the right time
whenever that is</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway his endorsement would go a long way in
swinging the consort kingdom</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT WOULD BE HUGE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AREN’T THERE LIKE</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: 100 BILLION OF THOSE FUCKERS?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SECURING THAT VOTING BLOCK SHOULD BE ABLE
TO WIN THE WHOLE THING FOR US.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: well no the population isnt THAT big but yes
its by far the most populous kingdom</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: swinging them our way should help a lot but
it wont be enough to decide the whole thing</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: consorts overwhelm the other kingdoms in
sheer numbers but due to unscrupulous gerrymandering, all kinds of
fucked up voter suppression policies and some electoral
“counterbalancing” measures to account for their ridiculous
population growth rate their voting power per capita is kind of
pathetic</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: also its hard to drive turnout</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: this may come as a shock but legions of
easily distracted low information amphibians primarily concerned
with eating bugs and farming god damned mushrooms arent the most
politically motivated demographic</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: so to get them out to the polls well need to
get them REALLY excited</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OK.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO TRUST YOUR EXPERTISE
ON THAT, SINCE I DON’T KNOW THE FIRST FUCKING THING ABOUT HOW TO
INSPIRE AN UNINTELLIGENT LIZARD.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah well</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dont either</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but that brings us to jake</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Jake’s butt flexes on the television, as if in
response. Karkat cannot avoid watching it from the corner of his
eye.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH, FUCK.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: no this is important</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: jake is a huge wild card here</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: im sure his endorsement would be completely
up for grabs</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: he could go any way including just getting
turned off by the whole thing and staying “apolitical”</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: so we have to be careful about how we
approach him</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: jake is the only one of us whos wildly
popular in all four kingdoms</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WELL, I CAN’T ARGUE WITH THAT.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah so an endorsement from him would be
huge</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: seriously just running one ad of him doing
his double pistol winking bullshit with a thing under it saying
“VOTE KARKAT” might be enough to win the whole election</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: just have to get the fickle bastard to agree
to that which could be tricky</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: and honestly id be shocked if jane hasnt
already started courting his vote</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: theres no way she doesnt understand the
political stakes</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SO...</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THE JAKESTAKES
THEN.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: pretty much</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: the jakestakes 2.0</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THERE WAS A 1.0?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh thats like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: a whole story</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IS THIS GOING TO BE ANOTHER ANECDOTE
ABOUT THE JAKE SQUAD I WON’T CARE ABOUT AND DON’T WANT TO FUCKING
HEAR?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: that sounds like the exact kind of opinion
youd have about it so yeah</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THEN I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR ABOUT
IT.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: hmm</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: shit hold up</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT?</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave fishes his phone out from his lap.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: dirks calling me</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE WANT?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: idk he just calls me out of the blue from
time to time to talk shit</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: usually about nothing whatsoever</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: hell probably joke about how he needs me to
cut off his head</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HUH???</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: its a running gag hes been running into the
ground for years</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: motherfucker is dedicated to his memes ill
give him that</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU SAID HE’S GOING TO BE A CROCKER
LOYALIST RIGHT?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh absolutely</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: no doubt about it</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU DON’T THINK HE’S TRYING TO DO
SOME...</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: RECONNAISSANCE WORK HERE?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: LIKE, INTEL GATHERING?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: he doesnt even know youre entering the race
yet</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: no one does</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OK. GOOD.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I GUESS YOU’D BETTER ANSWER THEN.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok well i missed the call while we were
bullshitting about it</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but yeah ill just call him back now</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave hits the callback button. On the
television, Dirk’s phone begins ringing.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: sup</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Hey dude.</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave hears the reply through his phone, and
then a moment later, through the TV, due to the broadcasting delay.
The whole show has stopped so that Dirk can take this call. The
camera zooms in on where he’s casually lying on the mat, bruised
and a little bit bloody. In the background, Jake strikes an
attractive, cocked-hip pose. He’s spinning a revolver around on one
finger, affecting an aura of attractive indifference, but the look
he’s shooting his sparring partner is caught halfway between
confused and exasperated.</p>
<p>Karkat looks from Dave to the TV and back again.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Got your sword handy?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: always</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Good. See, I’m in sort a bind here.</p>
<p class="dirk">DIRK: And I’m afraid there’s only one way out.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OK, I’M FUCKING LEAVING.</p>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</body>
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