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753 lines
40 KiB
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 15</title>
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<div id='s15'></div>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 15</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<p class="no-indent"><span class="opener type-hs-opener-rg type-hs-opener-sm">T</span>he rain is
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coming down in sheets. It rains just seldom enough on this idyllic
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world that most of its inhabitants are conditioned to leave their
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homes without umbrellas, and today they’re paying for it. The press
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clamors at the edges of the funeral procession, getting soaked to
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the bone and/or exoskeleton. John ducks his head away from the
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flash of cameras, still uncomfortable with his position among the
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pallbearers. He didn’t know Dirk that well, but he couldn’t refuse
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a direct request from a grieving bro. He ventures a glance at Dave,
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who is at the front of the line carrying a smaller casket
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containing Dirk’s decapitated head.</p>
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<p>The actual casket is unusually heavy, not just because Jane
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insisted on having it crafted from the finest-quality timber on the
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planet, but also because for some unfathomable reason Dirk is going
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to be buried with every single one of his shitty anime swords. It
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would be absurd were it not so tragic, and possibly also
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predictable. Gamzee fumbles with his corner of the casket when it
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comes time to set it down in the cathedral, upsets the balance of
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the whole thing, and sends it careening down so hard that the nose
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of it crashes right through the stage.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: OoOpS mOtHeRfUcKeRs.</p>
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<p class="john">JOHN: oops???</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: its fine gamz</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: accidents happen</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">John presses his mouth into a flat line. He
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looks at Dirk’s casket, sitting diagonally in a hole in the floor
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and popped about 13% of the way open. A few shitty swords seem to
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have made a valiant effort to escape, but didn’t quite make it all
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the way. He looks at Dave, who appears even more stoic than usual,
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with his wet hair plastered to his forehead. He looks at Roxy, who
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is staring at the floor, rather beside herself in grief. Then,
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finally, he looks back to Gamzee, who offers two dubiously
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sympathetic “whoops” in response.</p>
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<p>Today is not the day to push it, he thinks to himself. He forces
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a smile, kisses Roxy on the cheek and goes to take his seat in the
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front row of the pews. At the back of the nave, devastated fans of
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<em>RUMBLE IN DA PUMPKIN PATCH</em> are trying to force their way
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inside, past the barrier of reporters. Jane drags Jake off by the
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wrist to deal with them as Roxy approaches the pulpit, looking
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miserably ghostlike in her violet mourning clothes.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: um</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: hey thx everyone for joining me today</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She folds her hands in front of her. Her
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earrings light up as the reporters at the back take about six
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million pictures of her tear-stained face. She sniffs, then hocks
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back a whole mouthful of snot. The sound is very much in contrast
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with the delicate, feminine manner with which she tugs a tissue out
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of her modest cleavage in order to dab at her eyes.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: wow now that im up here its like</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: idk</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: i have no idea what to say</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Of course she doesn’t. Dirk was her first BFF,
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her first love, and at one time, the only other human being left on
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Earth. She rolls the wet tissue between her fingers.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: and i guess thats cuz there IS nothing to
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say</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: theres no words to describe how i felt about
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dirk strider</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: and even tho he left a note that had hella
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words in it</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: they might as well have been sayin
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nothing</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: which is just like dirk i guess</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: to leave us with a load of bullshit and no
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idea why he did what he did</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: so im just gonna say that</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: im glad that he was in my life</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: and give it over to someone whos way more
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eloquent than me</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave gets to his feet, unwinding his fingers
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from Jade’s. He walks to the pulpit with his usual smoothness but
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pauses beneath the giant stained glass window to run the heel of
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his palm under his shades. The camera bulbs start clacking away
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like crazy. John whirls around in his seat to glare at the
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reporters, putting a finger to his mouth to shoosh them. He watches
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a tiny, white-carapaced chess guy sheepishly press the flash button
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on his camera as quietly as possible.</p>
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<p>It takes Dave a moment to gather himself when he reaches the
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lectern, but when he speaks his voice is steady and even.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: hey guys</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: wanna apologize in advance cuz this is about
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to get a lil real</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: realer than that three quarters of a corpse
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im standing about two feet from right now</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean i totally hate to ruin everyones mood
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on a day where weve gathered to think deep thoughts about how one
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of us just went and fucking offed themselves</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: not like were gonna be stumbling through our
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lives constantly experiencing intrusive thoughts about this
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specific event or anything</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: hey remember what our good pal dirk looked
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like with no head</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: p hard to forget since getting decapitated
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was like his third favorite hobby</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so its not so much the body thats the problem
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but the sorta</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: existential realization of finality i
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guess</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: though i aint gonna lie the bodys starting to
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stink</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: sorry all that shit i just said was a load of
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absolute bull meant to deflect from the fact that im pretty shook
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about this</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i used to do that a lot</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like basically every time i opened my
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mouth</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: most of you know this but i had a kinda
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shitty childhood</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: not gonna go into details but</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: long story short it was technically my good
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ol bro-dad heres fault</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: not this specific version of him</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: the one i grew up with was a</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: a</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: he was</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave hesitates. His voice might be cracking,
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but it’s subtle.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: he was just an absolute bastard no offense to
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the dead</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah ok sure he taught me a ton of shit that
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if were being generous was in theory useful</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but he didnt give a single solitary shit
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about raising a well adjusted kid</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: or</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: raising a kid in general</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i was more like his disciple</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and all that mattered was his grand design or
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wtf ever</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and i know dirk struggled with</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: you know</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: the idea that he could eventually become that
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kind of person</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: or even worse that he was somehow cosmically
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fated to become that person no matter what he wanted or did to
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prevent it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: thats prolly how he managed to off himself in
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the first place considering how the mechanics of god tier works</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: maybe hed been struggling with that the whole
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time weve been here on earth c</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: who knows with him</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: he was always so inside his own head i cant
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even imagine what insane train of thought led him to decide that
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this was his only option</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but i dont think hed want us beating
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ourselves up about it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: or torturing ourselves trying to figure out
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what it fucking meant</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: esp jake jane and roxy</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: he loved you guys and wouldnt do anything to
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hurt you</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: well not intentionally i mean</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway all that shit about my bro</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: im over that</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like as much as you can get over it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: theres a subconscious response to certain
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||
stimuli you cant exactly rewire</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but the conscious part of my brain is all
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like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: shit dude</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i feel great</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: wtf is hypervigilance??</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i love being alive and having all these
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friends who care about me and dont beat the shit out of me every
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day of my life</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: etc</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and part of thats cause i got to be friends
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with dirk</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: it was great getting to know this rad version
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of my childhood guardian who wasnt completely batshit insane</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and like just chill with him</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: shoot the shit and freestyle or debate dumb
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crap without it being a federal fucking issue</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and more than that he treated me like i was
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on the level with him</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: he let me give him shit for being a
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pretentious blowhard every day of his life</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: which i did</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but despite that i</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i looked up to him</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: the way i always felt like i should have been
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looking up to my bro</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: the way i WANTED to look up to my bro but
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couldnt</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dirk taught me so much shit i didnt know i
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needed from him</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean picking up dirks opinions was
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unavoidable if you ever hung out with him considering he never shut
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his fucking mouth</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but im glad he didnt</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: he taught me about combat</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: philosophy</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: life</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and im sure had he not killed himself the
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literal day i was finally gonna ask him romantic advice</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: he wouldve taught me about love too</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so in the end</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i really got no idea how the fuck im supposed
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to feel right now</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but thats probably ok right</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like its ok</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: to not know how to feel when someone dies</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its ok to not have all the answers</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i wish dirk were still alive so i could tell
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him that</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but hes not</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave takes a deep, shuddering breath and
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actually takes off his shades to wipe away the tears that are
|
||
pooling on his eyelashes.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i guess thats all i got to say about that</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jake is openly weeping by the time the speech
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is over, his face buried in Jane’s breasts. She’s remarkably
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||
composed—looking more irritated than anything that her gentleman
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||
companion is getting snot all over her attractively tailored power
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||
suit. Dave leaves the stage, face turned away from the glare of the
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||
camera lights, and Roxy takes her place at the pulpit once
|
||
again.</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: anyone else have a eulogy theyd like to
|
||
give</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i think the best way we can honor dirks
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||
memory at this point</p>
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||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: is to spew an untold number of words into the
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void</p>
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<p class="roxy">ROXY: as many as we fuckin can</p>
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||
</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Rose—who had been staring off into space with
|
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a peculiar expression on her face during Dave’s speech—snaps to
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attention. She brushes Kanaya’s hand off her lap and goes to stand,
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but is interrupted by the horrible, squelching sound of Gamzee
|
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lumbering to his feet in his wet, oversized boots. He saunters up
|
||
to the pulpit with the precise lazy gait of one who’s grown far too
|
||
comfortable with a lifelong tendency of unwittingly inspiring
|
||
others’ contempt, and braces his arms on either side of the
|
||
lectern. If inside this church there were an adjacent room full of
|
||
wet dogs eating garbage, everyone in attendance would run to that
|
||
room immediately to escape the stench emanating from this smiling
|
||
clown. Suddenly, his expression distorts, to become something which
|
||
can only be described as a leer.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: WhAt’S uP oN tHiS mOsT rIgHtEoUs AnD
|
||
fRoWnY Of DaYs My BiTcHeS. :’o(</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO
|
||
SAY, GAMZEE.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: HaHaHaHa YoU sTiLl GoT iT bRoThEr.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: mY mOtHeRfUcKeR oF cOmEdY’s In ThA
|
||
pRaYbLoCk! ThAt MiRtHfUl NoIsE yOu HoLlEr StIlL sLaPs My MaNg.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S NOT A FUCKING JOKE.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Gamzee clears his throat quite loudly and
|
||
abruptly, sending ear-shattering echoes throughout the church. It
|
||
sounds like someone just threw a toilet in a woodchipper.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: NiNjAs AnD gEnTlEhOeS!</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: We GaThEr Up At ThIs ShRiNe Of WoRsHiP tO
|
||
wHaTeVeR fAlSe IdOlS oR mEsSiAhS tHeSe HoMiEs GeT tHeIr DeVoTiOn On
|
||
FoR.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: BuT tHaT’s Ok, BeCaUsE wE’rE mOtHeRfUcKiN
|
||
uNiFiEd ToDaY, nO mAtTeR wHaT oUr BaD aNd DiFfErEnT bElIeFs SaY aT
|
||
uS tO oUr PiEtY pAnS.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: We CoMe In CeLeBrAtIoN oF tHe LiFe!
|
||
:o)</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: aNd DeAtH. :o(</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: Of ThE oNe AnD oNlY, a TrUlY cHoIcE pIeCe
|
||
Of MaN-bItCh WhAt WhOm I hArDlY eVeR kNeW:</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: tHe DiRkStEr.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: ThEn, YoU mIgHt Be Up AnD wOnDeRiNg, WhAt
|
||
PlAcE hAvE i GoT aLl OrAtInG oN tHe SuBjEcT oF tHe LeGeNd Of ThIs
|
||
FiNe FeLlOw?</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: tHaT’s A gOoD qUeStIoN mY mIrThFuL
|
||
bRoThErS.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: i MaY nOt Be AlL uP aNd LeArNeD aBoUt HiS
|
||
lIfE, bUt I’vE gOt DeEp SpIrItAl CoNnEcTiOnS tO hIs DeAtH.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: It JuSt So HaPpEnEd ThAt FaTe BrOuGhT mE
|
||
tO hIs DoOrStEp On ThE vErY dAy ThAt He WeNt AnD mOtHeRfUcKiNg
|
||
ChOkEd It OfF aT tHe NeCk.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: oNe Of ThE mOsT sPiRiTuAlLy AwAkEnInG
|
||
mOmEnTs In My LiFe...</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: In SuCh A sHoRt TiMe He TaUgHt Me So
|
||
MuCh.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: ThIs WaS nO cOiNcIdEnCe. It WaS a HiGhEr
|
||
PoWeR gUiDiNg My PaTh.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: tHeSe PoWeRs MaDe SuRe ThAt I wOuLd Be
|
||
ThErE, tO rEcEiVe A gReAt WaRrIoR’s FiNaL mEsSaGe, AnD rElAy It To
|
||
YoU oN tHiS dArK aNd DrEaRy DaY oF dEaTh.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: HoNk!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">The clown thrusts his hand somewhere beneath
|
||
the waistband of his pants and starts obscenely rooting around. He
|
||
retrieves a piece of paper, crumpled and soaked from the rain
|
||
outside, and attempts to smooth it out over the lectern. The wet
|
||
paper breaks apart immediately beneath his oafish clown paws.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: AwWw, ShIzZ. i GuEsS i’Ve GoT tO uP aNd
|
||
WiNg It!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Dirk’s close friends in the audience look on
|
||
with anxious anticipation, eager to hear whatever important message
|
||
Dirk had apparently handed down to Gamzee to be passed on. John
|
||
can’t seem to find that optimism himself.</p>
|
||
<p>Gamzee draws a big, fat breath, and begins his speech.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: YoU eVeR wAkE uP aNd SiT dOwN tO dRoP a
|
||
FaT oNe In ThE lOaD gApEr, BuT yOuR fLeSh BoDy JuSt AiN’t ReAdY tO
|
||
gO aNd DoOk It OuT yEt?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">The clown’s words hang heavily in the air. He
|
||
scans the crowd, silent for a uncomfortable while, as if his
|
||
question weren’t rhetorical and he were expecting an answer that
|
||
will never come.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: tHaT’s WhAt LiFe WaS lIkE fOr ThE
|
||
d-MaN.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: A mAn BoRn WiTh A pUrPoSe. A pLaN.</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: bUt ThE wIcKeD wAyS oF tHiS wOrLd StOlE
|
||
tHaT aWaY fRoM hIm...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">It goes on like this for some time. Members of
|
||
the audience ride out the clown’s eulogy with an admirable sense of
|
||
grit and determination, though visibly reacting with full body
|
||
spasms every time the preacher issues another punctuating honk or
|
||
deeply inappropriate turn of phrase. Karkat continues heckling him
|
||
all throughout, and at one point delivers no less than thirty
|
||
uninterrupted instances of the phrase “FUCK YOU.” Throughout most
|
||
of the eulogy, Roxy continues attempting to urge others to settle
|
||
down and give him a chance, based on the many endorsements she’s
|
||
heard of his spiritual oration skills. But even she gives up on
|
||
this effort when one especially boisterous honk results in Gamzee
|
||
knocking over the lectern entirely, which he does not bother to
|
||
pick up. Instead, he proceeds with his eulogy as if nothing
|
||
happened, while openly scratching an itch beneath his codpiece.</p>
|
||
<p>At this point, Dave has had enough, and exits the church. Karkat
|
||
follows him. Gamzee inhales deeply, preparing to launch into what
|
||
quite possibly will be the full body of his speech, rather than one
|
||
or two mercifully concluding remarks. Roxy stands up and begins
|
||
clapping loudly to bring a heroic end to the elocutionary horror
|
||
show.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: WOW WASNT THAT GREAT FOLKS!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: WOW JUST WOW I KNEW THIS GUY WOULDNT LET US
|
||
DOWN</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: BRAVO!!! DAMN I FEEL LIKE IF I NEVER HEARD
|
||
ANOTHER WORD THIS GUY EVER SAID THATD BE FINE BECAUSE THAT WAS ALL
|
||
JUST SO *PERFECT*</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ANYTHING MORE WOULD ONLY DAMPEN THIS PERFECT
|
||
MEMORY HE GAVE US!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: TAKE A BOW GAMZEE AND THEN OH YEAH THE EXITS
|
||
THAT WAY!</p>
|
||
<p class="gamzee">GAMZEE: hOoOoOoOoOnK.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">She nudges Jake.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: (hey dude can u get up there and say somethin
|
||
as like...)</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: (a palate cleanser?)</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Gulp! Uh...</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: (he was your best bro! come on man surely u
|
||
got somethin in ur heart to say)</p>
|
||
<p class="jake">JAKE: Oh... Okay.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hay everybody its jakes turn!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hes got a few words hed like to say about our
|
||
dear departed buddy</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: (oh for fuck’s sake.)</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John mutters a few imprecations under his
|
||
breath and gets up before Jake can take the stage. He’s concerned
|
||
about Dave and heads for the exit, beating Gamzee there easily.
|
||
Gamzee’s strolling so leisurely, in fact, he’s barely even made it
|
||
off the stage yet.</p>
|
||
<p>John pushes out into the churchyard. The rain has receded into a
|
||
light drizzle, which is nice. Much less like being being trapped in
|
||
a high-pressure shower and more like being sprayed with a plant
|
||
mister. He looks around the largely decorative graveyard and spots
|
||
Dave and Karkat huddled together beneath an eave of the churchyard
|
||
walls. John begins to move towards them but stops when he notices
|
||
how close together they’re standing. Dave’s got his suit jacket
|
||
unbuttoned and pulled over Karkat’s head to shield him from the
|
||
rain. Karkat’s the one talking—his caterpillar eyebrows furrowed,
|
||
but his gaze soft. Whatever he’s saying makes Dave turn his face
|
||
away, but Karkat winds a hand in his shirt and tugs him in, forces
|
||
him to make eye contact. They both go still, seeming to finally
|
||
realize how close their faces have gotten, how Karkat’s fingers are
|
||
brushing down the length of Dave’s torso. Dave dips down so that
|
||
their noses are bumping. Karkat’s eyes are so wide it’s amazing
|
||
they don’t pop out. For a moment, it looks like they’re going
|
||
to...</p>
|
||
<p>John sneezes.</p>
|
||
<p>Dave and Karkat jump apart like opposing magnets.</p>
|
||
<p>Oops.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: uhh, hi guys!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John waves dopily and hopes that he doesn’t
|
||
look as buffoonish and mortified as he feels. Dave and Karkat are
|
||
still staring at each other from the corners of their eyes, warily.
|
||
Something silent and tense passes between them.</p>
|
||
<p>They make a quick recovery.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: hey</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I SEE THAT EVEN YOU COULDN’T BEAR
|
||
GAMZEE’S ASININE, BRUTAL AND 100% NONCONSENSUAL ASSAULT ON YOUR
|
||
LISTEN CRATERS, AND ALSO THE BASIC DECENCY WHICH SAPIENT BEINGS
|
||
APPARENTLY OWE TO ONE ANOTHER ON THIS PLANET.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: no, um, actually i listened to the entire
|
||
thing.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i have no idea why i did that. now i have
|
||
this whole memory in my head that i could have definitely lived
|
||
without.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i was just worried... because you didn’t come
|
||
back.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: dave, are you ok?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Dave glances at Karkat again. He... smiles.
|
||
It’s a sad smile, but it’s there.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: well no</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but its ok to not be ok about this specific
|
||
thing i think</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so for once i think im having like</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: a totally unironically normal emotional
|
||
reaction to a thing</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: which loops around back to being ok</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: in fact im probs the okayest ive ever been
|
||
objectively</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: are you SURE?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT WAS HALF A HUNDRED WORDS TO EXPRESS
|
||
A THREE LETTER SENTIMENT.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’D SAY HE’S DOING FINE.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: hmm.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: because i was thinking...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John chews the inside of his mouth and blinks
|
||
down at his hands. Now that he’s paused to think a little, what
|
||
he’s about to offer is a pretty weird way to console a friend after
|
||
the death of a loved one.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: do you... want me to go back?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Dave quirks an eyebrow.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: go</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: back??</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: with my retcon powers.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i could go back and stop him.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Dave says at the same time that Karkat
|
||
shouts:</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JOHN!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: what!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DO YOU NOT HAVE AN INCH OF GODDAMN SENSE
|
||
IN THAT THICK FUCKING SKULL OF YOURS?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: what!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: john</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: come on what are my powers</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: ummm... time travel?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so you dont think i wouldve already done that
|
||
if i thought it was a good idea</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: well ok yeah, obviously.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but if you DID do it we wouldn’t even know
|
||
right now because it would’ve just made a new timeline where dirk
|
||
didn’t kill himself. that’s how time travel works, right?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ehhh well actually</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Dave makes a wavy hand gesture that implies
|
||
he’s about to jump into a rant about causality or whatever. John
|
||
cuts him off.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: if i retcon it...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: then it’s like it never even happened!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: we wouldn’t have had this horrible funeral at
|
||
all.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno dude thats</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: a little fucked up actually</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: you think so?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: dirk was a complicated guy</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude obviously had reasons for doing what he
|
||
did</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: if you go back and just rewrite his
|
||
decision</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats like denying him his personal
|
||
autonomy</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: huh. i... didn’t think about it that way.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John frowns. Dave opens his mouth to say
|
||
something else, but he’s cut off by Jade poking her head out of the
|
||
church window.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: dave!!! roxys wondering where you are</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh yeah be right there</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: what about you karkat? you coming??</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YES! GOD!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CAN’T A MAN STAND ON A MOIST AND DREARY
|
||
PIECE OF RELIGIOUS PROPERTY TO HELP CONSOLE HIS MAIN BRO?!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JESUS FUCK, GOD FORBID WE UPSET THE
|
||
CAREFULLY ORCHESTRATED FUNERAL PROGRAMMING WHICH JUST FEATURED A
|
||
SEGMENT WHEREIN A DEEPLY UNPOPULAR CLOWN PISSED HIMSELF IN FRONT OF
|
||
THE CLAMORING PAPARAZZI!</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: oh lord... you dumb baby</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: karkat it looks to ME like youre the one
|
||
third wheeling dave and johns poignant brotimes</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: so why dont you get your butt on over
|
||
here???</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ARGH... FINE!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Karkat stomps back toward the church,
|
||
bickering with Jade his way across the graveyard. Dave adjusts his
|
||
shades and puts a hand on John’s shoulder.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: john</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i get what you were trying to do</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: its ok dude</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: im ok</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p>John nods, swallowing hard. His throat is dry all of a sudden.
|
||
Dave turns and walks back into the church. Once John is absolutely
|
||
sure Dave is gone, he closes his eyes, breathes in deep through the
|
||
nose and raises both his hands.</p>
|
||
<p>Nothing happens.</p>
|
||
<p>John cracks one eye open. It’s been a while since he’s tried to
|
||
do... well, anything more complicated than going out for dinner to
|
||
be honest. Has he just forgotten how to invoke his game powers?</p>
|
||
<p>Do the windy thing, he thinks to himself. A brisk breeze howls
|
||
through the graveyard, rustling some leaves off a nearby tree.</p>
|
||
<p>Nope, that’s all good.</p>
|
||
<p>Do the... retcon thing? He thinks much, much harder than he
|
||
thought about doing the last thing.</p>
|
||
<p>Still nothing.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: that’s weird...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: it was working just the other day.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">He stares at his hands so hard that his head
|
||
starts to hurt. So hard that he doesn’t hear the footsteps sloshing
|
||
through the wet grass behind him. When Roxy taps him on the
|
||
shoulder he yelps and shoots six feet up into the air.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: lmao john its just me</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John spins around to greet her. He hides his
|
||
hands behind his back like he was doing something bad with them.
|
||
Which he guesses he was, kind of. Roxy shields her eyes against the
|
||
rain and laughs.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: doin ok up there b?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i’m fine!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: wait. b?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John lands softly, close enough to Roxy that
|
||
she can slide a hand up his arm.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea like short for babe</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: cuz ur my babe b</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: oh, haha. right.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John feels himself flush and runs an awkward
|
||
hand through his hair. He’s still a little embarrassed to show
|
||
affection in public places like this. He slips a hand into the
|
||
small of Roxy’s back and feels a pang of guilt about what he saw
|
||
transpire between Dave and Karkat earlier.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: is dave ok?</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: yeah, i guess.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: ...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: are YOU okay?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Her gaze gets distant as she stares at
|
||
something over John’s shoulder. Whatever she’s thinking about, it
|
||
tugs a soft smile across her face.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: actually</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: im more than ok</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: cause ive been thinking</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: oh?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Roxy starts dancing her fingers up John’s
|
||
chest.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: about you n me</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and this</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">She bops him on the nose.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: hey john</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: we should get hitched</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: ummmmmm...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John stares at where Roxy’s finger is still
|
||
pressing down on his nose and goes a little cross-eyed as his brain
|
||
tries to process what she just said.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: um...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: ...what???</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: um what WHAT?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: john cmon</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: marry me</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: like...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">John looks around the graveyard nervously.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: right NOW?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: lmao totes</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: were already at the church n everything</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: o-oh my god.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: oh my god!</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: john</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: oh my god, are you serious??</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Roxy starts laughing so hard she has to wipe
|
||
away a tear. She leans in to give John a quick, chaste kiss on the
|
||
lips.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: no LOL</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: john u take everything so literally</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its fuckin adorbs</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: is that... why you want to marry me?</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: im off the charts with all my jokes n
|
||
shit</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: and i gotta even all that out</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: with this like HUGE helping of clueless nerd
|
||
:)</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: roxy...</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ok but lets be serious here moment</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i actually do love that youre so earnest</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its cute as fuck and also</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: i always know where i stand with you</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: roxy...</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: sides this whole</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: THING with dirk</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: its made me realize that even though were
|
||
immortal</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: were not necessarily gonna live forever</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: lifes too short not to spend every moment
|
||
with the one u love</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">That word hits John like a suckerpunch to the
|
||
gut. He goes breathless with shock; adrenaline pumping through him,
|
||
his blood rushing in his ears. When he speaks, his voice is
|
||
hoarse.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: you...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: LOVE me??</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: yea john i love you</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: wanna marry u and spend the rest of my life
|
||
with u and pop out a bunch of cute lil buck toothed babies with
|
||
you</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: oh, uh. haha, wow. roxy that’s um.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: that’s a LOT.</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: well you dont gotta answer rn</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: just know its on the table</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">He doesn’t know what to think. He so doesn’t
|
||
know what to think that he’s spiraling inside his head, shaking all
|
||
over, damp with sweat. Something about this doesn’t feel... right?
|
||
Just a few weeks ago, Roxy was happy with Calliope, and now she
|
||
wants to have his babies? John feels like he’s missing something
|
||
important here, like he went for a bathroom break during the part
|
||
of the movie where the plot twist happens. He should give Roxy some
|
||
time, get himself some space. It’s all happened so fast that it’s
|
||
suffocating.</p>
|
||
<p>On the other hand...</p>
|
||
<p>...on the other hand, isn’t that how love’s supposed to feel?
|
||
Like a quick plunge into cold water, a feeling that grows
|
||
unexamined, and then gets so big that the realization washes over
|
||
you like a wave? Roxy’s unbearably beautiful with moisture clinging
|
||
to her eyelashes and a smile that she’s only smiling because of how
|
||
much she likes him. She likes him so much that she wants to be
|
||
around him every single day! John’s stomach feels like it’s doing
|
||
pirouettes. His hands come up around Roxy’s shoulders, and keep
|
||
going until he’s cupping her face in both hands. He starts
|
||
giggling.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: i...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: ok.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: ok, let’s... let’s do it!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Roxy waggles her eyebrows.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: ooo u want to do it??</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: yeah!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: er... i mean...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: um, yeah. that too.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: but i meant...</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: about the getting married thing.</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: let’s... do that!</p>
|
||
<p class="john">JOHN: let’s totally get married!!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Roxy practically attacks John’s mouth, she’s
|
||
so excited. John shuts his eyes and kisses her back, still giddy
|
||
and laughing against her lips. She kisses him until they’re both
|
||
breathless, then pulls back so that she can gaze at him with
|
||
glittering eyes.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: omg</p>
|
||
<p class="roxy">ROXY: were gonna be SO freakin happy!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |