351 lines
19 KiB
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351 lines
19 KiB
HTML
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 19</title>
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<div id='s19'></div>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 19</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: how cute do you guys think johns baby is
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going to be</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: like on a scale of 1-11???</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade rolls over and nuzzles herself into the
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crook of Dave’s armpit, taking Karkat’s hand with her so that it’s
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slung over her stomach. Dave doesn’t stop scrolling on his phone.
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His face is a kaleidoscope of neon, lit from beneath by the
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Alternian mushrooms that flare up at night with a sick, green
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bioluminescence, and from above by the soft glow of his social
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media accounts.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i still havent come to terms with the fact
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that johns gonna be a dad</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: you dont think hell be a good one?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i didnt say that but ok since you asked</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean think about it if you were gonna rank
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us in order of maturity based on all the years weve known each
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other</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: about where would you put john</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat, lazily munching on a chocolate beetle,
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taps his foot against the picnic blanket. Jade moves his hand so
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that it’s resting subtly on the line of exposed skin above her
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skirt, where her tank top is riding up. He seems not to notice.
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Instead, he’s seriously considering Dave’s question. He picks a leg
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off one of his beetles and flicks it over Jade so that it lands on
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Dave’s forehead.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BELOW ME BUT ABOVE YOU.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah exactly</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: now hes all married and pregnant and hes got
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a mustache</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M STILL NOT OVER THE FUCKING
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MUSTACHE.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: why not he looks so good!!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah he looks disturbingly good</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i almost cant talk to him anymore it looks so
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good</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: ohhhhh?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jesus jade dont fuckin read into it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: a bro can appreciate how attractive his bro
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has become and maybe get a little breathless at the sight of his
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chiseled jawline and manly facial hair without being gay about
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it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ive just been thinking lately everytime i see
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him that hes</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ok dont make fun of me for saying this but
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its like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: johns a Man</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: not a lowercase m man but a fully grown up
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legit fuckin Dude with a leather briefcase and a suit that he only
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wears on special occasions</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: PRETTY FUCKED UP.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i know right</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: hmmmm...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade pokes a finger into Dave’s chin, sliding
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it up his jawline so that it puckers his mouth into a pout. It’s a
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pretty cute thing to do, if extremely immature. This might be the
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point Dave was trying to make, that they’re all still kind of
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immature. Jade doesn’t pick up on the obvious subtext in the
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conversation, however, because she’s been willfully undermining the
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subtext in her own personal life for nearly a year now.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: well...</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: ive actually been thinking lately about how
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since rose and kanaya had a kid and jane and jake had a kid and
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john and roxy are gonna have a kid.......</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: what would you think if maybe...</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: ....we had kids???</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHO? YOU AND DAVE?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat starts laughing. Jade flicks him in the
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forehead.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: no stupid all three of us!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: uhhh</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: what??</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: uhhhhhhh</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: look i know there are “issues” to sort out in
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terms of um....... feasibility</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: but i think there are a lot of options to
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consider!</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: maybe someone can help us out</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: like.... someone we know?</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: or i dont know! what about adoption!</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: that could be cute! adopting a little grub!!
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aww...</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: or a human! whatever! im not picky</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UHHHHHH IS FUCKING RIGHT.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JADE, DON’T YOU READ THE NEWSPAPERS?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THE NEW ADMINISTRATION IS CRACKING DOWN
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ON CERTAIN KINDS OF INTERSPECIES ADOPTION LAWS.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IF YOU’RE SO INTENT ON IT BEING “THE
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THREE OF US,” WE LITERALLY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ADOPT A HUMAN CHILD
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BECAUSE THE HUMAN ADMINISTRATION IS AFRAID THAT I’D...</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: TEAR INTO IT, AND FEAST ON ITS
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ORGANS.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AND IN THAT KIND OF POLITICAL CLIMATE?
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WELL, I’M NOT SURE IT’S A WORLD I WOULD WANT TO RAISE A TROLL CHILD
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IN RIGHT NOW.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jokes on them ive never seen you tear into
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anything more complicated than a microwave dinner</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I KNOW, RIGHT?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean on the other hand if we adopt a kid
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young enough it would totally fit in the microwave</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE. I’M NOT GONNA EAT
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OUR THEORETICAL BABY.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave puts away his phone and rolls up so that
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he’s braced on his elbow. He meets Karkat’s gaze over the rise of
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Jade’s chest and smiles at him.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah dude i know</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: youre probably like closet dad of the fuckin
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year</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: just waiting for his moment to shine</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i bet youd whine and complain about getting a
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kid til we actually brought junior home</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: the moment you saw his chubby lil cheeks your
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face would light right up</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: oh... i can imagine the look on karkats face
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right now</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: heheh</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah you know exactly the one</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like how he looks when his hot pocket
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finishes cooking in the microwave</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: which he understands is an instrument of food
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preparation</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and not some sort of grim infant warming
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device</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING IT BACK TO THE
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MICROWAVE?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: cause i had more jokes to make about the
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subject</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OF COURSE. GOD FORBID JADE AND I ARE NOT
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FORCED TO LISTEN TO EVERY LETTER OF YOUR MORBID INTERNAL
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DIALOGUE.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: whatever you love it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: on the baby in the microwave front</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: GOD</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: id be more worried about me being the one
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whod do the deed so to speak</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean its not like ive got a great
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demonstrative background in child rearing or anything</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: considering all the places i got left as a
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kid i wouldnt be surprised if id just put our baby in the toaster
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by accident or something</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like if you tally up the amount of hours i
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spent locked in the fridge compared to the amount of hours i spent
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in the american school system learning how to be normal and do
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polynomials</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: just sayin it looks dire</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: .....</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave’s staring into the distance like a
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stopped clock, or at the very least like a dude who’s been locked
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in the fridge more than once in his life. Jade and Karkat exchange
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a private look they’ve also given each other more than once in
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Dave’s presence.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah so anyway im gonna stick to hot pockets
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i think</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: dave</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: you really think youd make that bad a
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father?</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: even with me and karkat helping you?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: eh dont take this personally but im an
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evidence based hypothesis kinda guy and so far three way
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relationships in our friend group attempting parenthood...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: the record aint so lookin so good</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: just saying</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: a clown a fascist and a male sex icon walk
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into a bar sounds like the start of a bad but funny joke</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but when its the start of a family thats when
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it gets a bit less funny to me</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: poor little dude gonna be fucked up</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: oh come on dave</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: tavros is a cute kid!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SURE, HE IS *NOW*.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: the moment cognitive function starts firing
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off in that kids head hes gonna be scarred for life</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: we dont KNOW that</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jade i know jakes like your bestie</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and also your grandfather</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: and also kinda your grandson</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh also your fucking dad i guess</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but his relationship is bad</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: hey... thats...</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: not NECESSARILY true...</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT, IT’S NOT FUCKING TRUE.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE’S JUST BEING GENTLE HERE TO SPARE
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YOUR FEELINGS.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT MERELY “BAD”</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS A FLAMING WRECK OF AN
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INTERSTELLAR WARSHIP HURTLING TOWARDS THE PLANET AT TERMINAL
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VELOCITY WITH THE ENTIRE CREW BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED UPON REENTRY,
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SHOVED STRAIGHT DOWN THE CHAGRIN TUNNEL AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SHAT
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OUT THE OTHER SIDE, THUS FLOODING THE ENTIRE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD
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WHEN IT CLOGS UP THE LOAD GAPER.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade sits up and wraps her arms around her
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knees. Her ears go flat as she chews her lip.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: ...its not like i dont know that</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: john never shuts up about it</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: i mean, he and jane used to be close back
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when we all first met but last time i talked to john he....</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: well, he accused her of “raping” jake</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh shit</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: its not like i dont worry about jake but come
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on!</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: were all adults</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: what am i supposed to do? show up at his
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window dressed like the blue fairy and whisk him away from his
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terrible life??</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: maybe that would work for a few days, but one
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thing i learned from dating around a lot in my youth is that no
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ones going to leave a bad relationship until its THEIR idea to
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leave</p>
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||
</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She takes in a shaky breath and shuts her
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eyes. Her hair spills around her face when she leans forward to put
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her chin on her knees. Dave and Karkat exchange a look that is
|
||
equal parts confused, miserable, and desperate. Karkat’s making a
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||
fist against the ground, digging up a handful of moss and getting
|
||
dirt under his fingernails. Perhaps it’s a metaphor, he wryly
|
||
speculates, for the way Jade has just dug up the emotional dirt in
|
||
their relationship. Dave clears his throat quietly. One of them
|
||
could say something right now if they found the nerve. But as the
|
||
moments slide by, nerve remains in short supply.</p>
|
||
<p>Karkat opens his mouth, without quite having settled on the
|
||
words that will come out of it. But before any do, the sky cracks
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||
open. Instead, he lets out an undignified yelp and scuttles back so
|
||
he doesn’t get hit by the sharp debris suddenly raining from
|
||
above.</p>
|
||
<p>Jade spins around and flings her arms out, using her Space
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||
powers to catch the offensive rubble and shrink it into harmless
|
||
granules. They spark and clash against her fingers. She can’t quite
|
||
tell what they are. They’re not rocks, or metal... they don’t even
|
||
seem to be physical.</p>
|
||
<p>Something else comes hurtling out of the hole in the sky, too
|
||
fast for Jade to catch. It hits the ground with a clap of green
|
||
lightning. The collision sends a geyser of dirt, rock, and vapor
|
||
into the air. Dave flash-steps to shield Karkat. Jade doesn’t move,
|
||
taking the brunt of the explosion face on, using her abilities to
|
||
warp the energy around her so that she’s a mote at the center of
|
||
the storm. When the dust clears, she’s the first to jump in the
|
||
crater, trailing smoke behind her.</p>
|
||
<p>There’s a body at the center of it. The torso is bloody,
|
||
tangled, and curled into a fetal position. Its shoes are missing,
|
||
but otherwise the outfit is quite familiar to her: it’s a dead
|
||
ringer for her old Witch of Space uniform. Jade touches the body
|
||
with the toe of her shoe, and then gasps when it rolls over to
|
||
reveal its face.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: its...</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: ME???</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Karkat and Dave stick their heads over the
|
||
edge of the pit.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: holy shit</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING FUCK?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: uh</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: good question</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: idk but we should probably get her some
|
||
help</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HELP? FOR WHAT??</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT LOOKS LIKE HER INTERNAL ORGANS ARE
|
||
OBLITERATED. SHE’S COVERED IN MORE BLOOD THAN I THOUGHT HUMANS EVEN
|
||
HAD INSIDE THEM.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: well we cant just leave her in this fuckin
|
||
hole man</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: come on gimme a hand</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Karkat watches as Jade stands over her own
|
||
younger corpse. He notices the way her shoulders are slanted. It’s
|
||
clear even from a distance that she’s shaking.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JADE?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON
|
||
HERE??</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT THIS</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade doesn’t say anything. She’s staring at
|
||
the body. A badly broken version of herself, probably from a
|
||
different timeline, she guesses. This Jade looks about sixteen
|
||
years old. Her hair is matted with blood. Her appearance is
|
||
gruesome, yet also... peaceful, somehow.</p>
|
||
<p>Dave slides down the ridge of the crater and grabs her by the
|
||
shoulder.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: hey jade you hear us</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade wipes a hand across her cheek and looks
|
||
down to find that it’s come away bloody. One of those shrunken,
|
||
massless shards from the sky must have nicked her in the face. Her
|
||
eyes go wide and she feels the breath go out of her for a moment.
|
||
She looks directly upward. Where did this body come from?</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: jade???</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: yes dave i heard you</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Still staring at the body, Jade digs her phone
|
||
out of her pocket.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: i need to talk to jane</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |