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400 lines
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 25</title>
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<div id='s25'></div>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 25</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SWIFER</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SWIFER CAN YOU...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat winces as the ground above him shakes
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and a scattering of dirt and debris rains down from the roof of the
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cave. His fledgling rebellion has found cover in the spiderweb
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network of tunnels running to and from the troll capital originally
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built to accommodate the transit of incestuous slurry from the
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boonies to the Mother Grub. Though technically regarded as a
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critical infrastructure project, the caves have never been used or
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appropriately surveyed by the world government. Back when all were
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on better terms, Jane was gracious enough to believe the maps
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Kanaya handed over were anything approaching accurate. With the
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tunnel entrances at the brood pit sealed, the rebellion was safe
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for now. But the presidential drones were testing the grounds
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relentlessly: closer and closer every day now.</p>
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<p>It’s not the dirt that’s bothering him. Dirt is something you
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get used to, living hand-to-mouth inside a cave. It’s that
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persistent fucking leak directly above his desk that is driving him
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to distraction.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SWIFER!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Swifer Eggmop pokes her head into the
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chamber.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: Aye aye Commander! What’s up?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat pinches the bridge of his nose.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FOR THE LAST TIME, DON’T CALL ME
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THAT.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: Why not, Commander? Yer the Commander,
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ain’t you?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO, I AM NOT THE “COMMANDER.”</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DID I EVER ASK TO BE IN CHARGE?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DID I EVER ACCEPT AN OFFICIAL APPOINTMENT
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FROM SOME OSTENTATIOUS MILITARY BOARD?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HAVE I EVER SUCCESSFULLY LED A CAMPAIGN
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AGAINST THE INCREASINGLY OPPRESSIVE REGIME THAT WE SUFFER UNDER ON
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A DAILY BASIS?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THE ANSWER TO ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS IS
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CATEGORICALLY AND CATASTROPHICALLY: FUCK. NO.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: Well gee, Commander. I think it’s more of
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a symbolic title, representin’ how much faith everyone has in
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you.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT FUCKING FAITH?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AS JUST DISCUSSED I HAVEN’T DONE A DAMN
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THING TO EARN ANYONE’S FAITH.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SO FAR ALL THIS “TROLL REBELLION” HAS
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AMOUNTED TO IS A WHOLE LOT OF DICK ALL, WITH AN ADDITIONAL SIDE
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SERVING OF JACK SQUAT, FOLLOWED UP BY A FINAL COURSE OF GETTING TO
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WATCH OUR TOP ANALYST, CLIPER BORDEN, BEING FORCED TO DANCE TO
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AVOID LIFE IMPRISONMENT IN A LABOR CAMP ON LIVE TELEVISION AND
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MAKING A COMPLETE ASS OF HIMSELF.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat gestures toward the display screen
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showing a commercial for the next episode of <em>Doing the
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Charleston with Notable Social Figureheads: Stars Versus Enemies of
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the State, with Your Host Jake English.</em> Swifer’s taciturn
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broodmate Cliper is indeed making an absolute fool of himself in
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the recap from the previous week’s show, failing to keep time with
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the jaunty beat and struggling to knock his knees together with the
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required vigor. The fact that he is shackled at the wrists doesn’t
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seem to be helping.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: Poor Cliper.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: He could record a stat like nobody’s
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business but no one ever taught the boy how to dance.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: If only we knew, this all coulda been
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avoided.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DANCE IF HE DOESN’T
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WANT TO.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT SWIFER.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: Oh.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT WHAT’S THE POINT IF I CAN’T EVEN SAVE
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ONE OF MY LIEUTENANTS FROM MORTIFYING PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT FOLLOWED
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BY A LIFETIME OF HARD LABOR IN THE CAKE MILLS?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IF I CAN’T PROTECT MEMBERS OF THE
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SO-CALLED RESISTANCE FROM THE FICKLE AND CRUEL VAGARIES OF JANE’S
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INSANE, PASTRY-BASED SHADOW DICTATORSHIP, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO
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PROTECT THE COMMON PEOPLE?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Swifer frowns and tugs at the kerchief around
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her neck.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: Golly. Look Commander. That’s a big
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question that I think you gotta take up with someone more in the
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know than myself.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: I just swif the floors.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH, YEAH. RIGHT.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THE LEAK IN THE CEILING?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat throws both hands in the air
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melodramatically. A drop of stale water plops off one of his nubby
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little horns.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU KNOW, RIGHT ABOVE THE PLACE WHERE WE
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KEEP ALL OF OUR FRAGILE LOGISTICS EQUIPMENT?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DIDN’T I TELL YOU TO FIX THAT A FUCKING
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WEEK AGO?</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: Well sir you told me to “take care of it”
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and I sure as heck took care of it!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THEN WHY IS IT STILL LEAKING?</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: Oh. By “fix” you meant that you wanted me
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to plug the crack!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK I MEANT?</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: I thought you meant for me to mop up the
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water that had gathered...</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: And then use that water to swif the
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bejeebus out of the floors.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: Which is, by all accounts, what I
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did.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat gapes at her, open-mouthed. She grins
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back, unaware of any mistake on her part. The only thing he can do
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is bury his face in his palms.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UGH.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M GOING TO GET SOME FRESH AIR.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BY THE TIME I GET BACK I EXPECT THE HOLE
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IN THE CEILING TO BE “““SWIFED””” THE FUCK CLOSED.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OR AT THE VERY LEAST</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: PUT A FUCKING BUCKET UNDER THE LEAK OR
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SOMETHING.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: Sir! Oh my gosh! A bucket? Sh-should we
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be seen...</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: Consortin’ with a bucket?</p>
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<p class="kanaya">SWIFER: *Together*??</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: GROW THE FUCK UP, EGGMOP.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">He stalks past his blushing assistant with a
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belabored sigh. Karkat has lived with humans for so long that he’s
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grown used to seeing buckets regularly defiled. Now that he thinks
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about it, he realizes Jade has used more buckets to grow snap peas
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in her living room than any troll has used for the purposes of
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reproduction in the entire history of Earth C. The bucket taboo is
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largely emblematic at this point. An empty signifier for an
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endangered culture.</p>
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<p>As he stomps through the winding tunnels, thinking very hard
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about this incredibly tragic thing, his speaker crab crackles to
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life.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Well</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: That Was A Lot</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH SHIT.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU WERE STILL ON THE
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LINE.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: We Hadnt Finished Our Conversation About
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The Clandestine Transportation Of The Mother Grub</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Which I Hope You Realize Is Still An
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Operation Of Grave Importance At Least On Par With The Terrible
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Threat Of The Leak In Your Office</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SORRY. I KIND OF HAVE A LOT GOING ON
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RIGHT NOW.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Can See That</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Please Do Not Be So Hard On Swifer She
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Really Does Try Her Best</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH. I KNOW.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: TO BE HONEST THAT WASN’T ABOUT SWIFER AT
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ALL. OR EVEN ABOUT THE LEAK.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Yes Karkat That Was Obvious</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Rose And I Have Been Following The Dance
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Off Tribunals Very Closely This Month</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Your Lieutenant Does Not Have A
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Chance</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: But Do Not Let It Weigh Heavily On
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You</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Everyone Who Joins The Rebellion Knows
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That Being Exiled To The Cake Mills Is A Very Real Possibility If
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They Are Caught</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: That Includes You Karkat</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: If You Bear The Responsibility For The
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Lives Of Every Member Of The Rebellion Youll Crack Under The
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Stress</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: And As Much As You Are Loath To Admit
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It</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: You Are The Face Of This Movement</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I HATE IT, BUT YOU’RE RIGHT.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK YOU, YOU’RE ALWAYS RIGHT.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: As My Wife Likes To Tell Me Often</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UGH. FUCK HER, SHE’S ALWAYS RIGHT
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TOO.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HOW THE HELL DO YOU TWO TOLERATE EACH
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OTHER?</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Quite Thoroughly Enthusiastically And
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Often</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WOW. UGH. OK.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT’S ENOUGH OF YOU FOR TODAY.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Oh I Am Sorry I Did Not Mean To Rub My
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Interspecies Happiness In Your Face I Understand That Its A Sore
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Subject</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THE ONLY THING THAT’S SORE IS MY
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EAVESDROP FUNNELS FROM LISTENING TO YOUR ENDLESS MOTHERING.</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Karkat I Am Sure That If You Were To
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Just</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DON’T</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Call Dave And Ask Him To Join You...</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WOW, IS THAT ANOTHER CAVE-IN I HEAR
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HAPPENING SUDDENLY ALL AROUND ME?</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: He Would Be At Your Side Instantly</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: KANAYA WE’RE BEING OVERRUN BY IMPERIAL
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DRONES! IT’S HORRIBLE! THERE’S DEATH AND FIRE EVERYWHERE, AND ALSO
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I CAN’T HEAR A FUCKING WORD YOU’RE SAYING, SO IF YOU WERE TO EVER
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TO ATTEMPT TO REFERENCE THIS CONVERSATION IN THE FUTURE I WOULD
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||
HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SO IT WOULD PROBABLY BE BEST FOR EVERYONE
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INVOLVED IF YOU’D DROP THE SUBJECT AND NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN!</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Okay Karkat Have A Good Walk Ill Talk To
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You About The Mother Grub Tomorrow</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Goodbye And Take Care</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH. YEAH. YOU TAKE CARE TOO. TALK TO YOU
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TOMORROW.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat makes extra-triple sure that he’s
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actually hung up on Kanaya for real this time, by fiddling with the
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tiny claw on his speaker crab until it’s in the off position. The
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||
action of tuning his outdated wristwatch is interrupted by another
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earthquake rumbling around him. This one sounds different, however.
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He knows the sound of a drone strike like the back of his hand by
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now. It’s a low, creeping bellow that pulses through the ground in
|
||
waves. This sounds more like an impact that left a crater. The last
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||
time something struck the planet that hard, it was Jade’s creepy
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||
undead corpse.</p>
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<p>Karkat runs for the nearest exit and cautiously pokes his head
|
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out into the clearing above. There’s a figure in the smoke: her
|
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stumbling silhouette includes an unmistakable pair of horns. She
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takes two steps out of her crater before falling flat on her face
|
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again. Karkat runs to help her, putting her arm over his shoulders
|
||
and dragging her out of the dust cloud from the impact.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MEENAH??</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?</p>
|
||
</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Meenah blinks up at him with a pair of eyes
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||
that seem different to him somehow, but he can’t put his finger on
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||
it. He has to admit, it’s been a long time since he saw her. She
|
||
seems singed, woozy, but mostly undamaged.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: woah shouty mcnubs that you</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UH, THAT’S STILL NOT MY NAME. BUT
|
||
YEAH.</p>
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||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: nice</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FIGHTING LORD
|
||
ENGLISH?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DID THAT WORK OUT OR... WHAT?</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: nah it was a total wash</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH.</p>
|
||
</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat continues inspecting her without much
|
||
concern for coming across as weird. He knows something’s off about
|
||
her, he just can’t figure out what. Then a reflective gleam catches
|
||
his eye. A gold ring on her finger. He glances back up to look in
|
||
her eyes. They aren’t blank, like all the other fallen ghosts’ eyes
|
||
are.</p>
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||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WAIT A MINUTE.</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ARE YOU...</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ALIVE???</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: yeah bitch</p>
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||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: im back 38)</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT RING?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WAIT, YOU DIDN’T...</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MEENAH, DID YOU ROB CALLIOPE?!</p>
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||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: who</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THE GIRL WITH THE HIDEOUS GREEN SKULL FOR
|
||
A HEAD.</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT WAS HER RING. I WAS UNDER THE
|
||
IMPRESSION SHE NEEDED THAT TO LIVE!</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: oh</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: nah man</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: its not hers i got it from some other
|
||
total sucker</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHO???</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: dont matter</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: complete bonehead chump you aint be
|
||
hearin from again</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MEENAH, ARE YOU FUCKING LYING TO ME.</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: nubs i wouldnt do that to you</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: not after all this time</p>
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||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: ya girls fine this shits my own damn
|
||
ring</p>
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||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: capisces?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Karkat side-eyes the revived heiress,
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||
flinching only slightly at that last pun, before offering a
|
||
reluctant nod.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: what are you up to?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WELL...</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT’S LIKE, A WHOLE FUCKING
|
||
EXPLANATION.</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: splain awave nubby</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M SORT OF IN THE MIDDLE OF STAGING A
|
||
WIDE SCALE GRASSROOTS REBELLION AGAINST AN INCREASINGLY
|
||
AUTHORITARIAN GLOBAL HEGEMONY THAT IS OPPRESSING OUR PEOPLE.</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: hmm</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Meenah leans in, assessing Karkat with a
|
||
rapacious, shark-toothed grin. It seems that whatever she’s seeing
|
||
in this older, battle-hardened version of Karkat impresses her. She
|
||
starts laughing, big and bright. She slaps him so hard on the
|
||
shoulder that he nearly falls down.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ACK.</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: now thats what im TALKIN about</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: yeah i could use a new seacond in
|
||
command</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ACTUALLY, YOU’D BE *MY* SECOND IN
|
||
COMMAND.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO OFFENSE OR ANYTHING, BUT MY FACE IS
|
||
ALREADY ON ALL THE POSTERS.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ALSO I DON’T EXACTLY HAVE THE MOST
|
||
CONFIDENCE IN YOUR COMMAND ABILITIES CONSIDERING THE LAST TIME I
|
||
SAW YOU, YOU WERE TALKING BIG ABOUT HOW YOU WERE GOING TO TAKE DOWN
|
||
LORD ENGLISH, AND NOW YOU’RE EATING DIRT ON OUR SHITTY NEW PLANET
|
||
LOOKING PRETTY FUCKING DEFEATED.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT TO BE HONEST, I NEED ALL THE HELP I
|
||
CAN GET.</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: oh yea no problem</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: ill be your fuckin second guy</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU WILL?</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: flip yes</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WOW</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: yeah dude just point me at where the
|
||
actions at i dont even give a fuck</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: water the orders boss</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OK THIS IS LIKE</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M NOT EVEN SURE HOW TO SAY THIS?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M ACTUALLY REALLY FLATTERED, AND KIND
|
||
OF SINCERELY HONORED THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WANT TO FOLLOW ME?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S LIKE, COMPLETELY NOT AT ALL WHAT
|
||
I...</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: youre ruining it dude</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK. SORRY.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I MEAN...</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HEY!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FISH ASSHOLE!</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: who me</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YES FUCKING YOU. THE FALLEN FASCIST
|
||
DIPSHIT WITH THE STOLEN RING.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: GET THE *FUCK* IN LINE, BEFORE I *PUT*
|
||
YOU IN LINE!</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: oh</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: oh wow</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: Y-ES</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: Y---ES SIR!!! 38D</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Karkat reaches out and takes her hand. She has
|
||
a very firm handshake. So firm that Karkat winces an eye shut when
|
||
she squeezes and hopes that she doesn’t notice how much his smile
|
||
has turned into a grimace.</p>
|
||
<p>Above them, the sky tears open again, and again. A new wave of
|
||
ghosts pours in from Meenah’s doomed assault.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: well here comes the caviarlry</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THE WHAT?</p>
|
||
<p class="feferi">MEENAH: the cavia—</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M ALSO FUCKING ORDERING YOU TO STOP
|
||
MAKING GARBAGE FISH PUNS FOREVER.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |