HSEpilogues/TheHomestuckEpilogues/OEBPS/Text/candy9.xhtml

386 lines
20 KiB
HTML
Raw Blame History

This file contains ambiguous Unicode characters!

This file contains ambiguous Unicode characters that may be confused with others in your current locale. If your use case is intentional and legitimate, you can safely ignore this warning. Use the Escape button to highlight these characters.

<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.1//EN"
"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml11/DTD/xhtml11.dtd">
<html xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'>
<head profile='http://dublincore.org/documents/dcmi-terms/'>
<meta http-equiv='Content-Type' content='text/html;'/>
<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 9</title>
<meta name='DCTERMS.title' content='The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy'/>
<meta name='DCTERMS.language' content='en' scheme='DCTERMS.RFC4646'/>
<meta name='DCTERMS.source' content='MFW'/>
<meta name='DCTERMS.issued' content='{$issued}' scheme='DCTERMS.W3CDTF'/>
<meta name='DCTERMS.creator' content='EpubPress'/>
<meta name='DCTERMS.contributor' content=''/>
<meta name='DCTERMS.modified' content='{$issued}' scheme='DCTERMS.W3CDTF'/>
<meta name='DCTERMS.provenance' content=''/>
<meta name='DCTERMS.subject' content='Unknown'/>
<link rel='schema.DC' href='http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/' hreflang='en'/>
<link rel='schema.DCTERMS' href='http://purl.org/dc/terms/' hreflang='en'/>
<link rel='schema.DCTYPE' href='http://purl.org/dc/dcmitype/' hreflang='en'/>
<link rel='schema.DCAM' href='http://purl.org/dc/dcam/' hreflang='en'/>
<link rel='stylesheet' type='text/css' href='../Styles/ebook.css'/>
</head>
<body>
<div id='s9'></div>
<div>
<h1>Chapter 9</h1>
<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jade">JADE: arent you guys happy to get out of the house
for once!!!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Jades tail swishes back and forth under her
striped skirt as she takes a great, big sniff of the fresh outside
air. Its early evening on the outskirts of the Troll Kingdom. One
by one, neon-bright windows are lighting up on the hives in the
distance. Karkat is still shielding his eyes against the dying
strains of the sunset. His shoulders are scrunched up so high that
his cheeks disappear into his turtleneck.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO ACTUALLY.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DONT GET WHATS SO GREAT ABOUT IT. I
CAN SEE THE SAME BULLSHIT FROM THE COMFORT OF MY HOUSE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CHECK IT OUT. A GIANT BILLBOARD OF JAKE
ENGLISH COMPLETE WITH A GYRATING MECHANICAL ASS.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT A TOTALLY NECESSARY THING TO SHOVE
RIGHT INTO MY GANDER BULBS.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DEFINITELY COULDNT HAVE LIVED WITHOUT
SEEING THAT.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude ok dont pretend you dont spend at least
15% of your day ogling jakes ass on television anyway</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: in fact youre doing it right now</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WELL I CANT HELP IT, DAVE, ITS RIGHT
FUCKING THERE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD, ARE THE MECHANICAL GLUTES ON
THAT BILLBOARD ACTUALLY PADDED WITH PLUSH TO MAKE THEM MORE
LIFELIKE?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah see crazed fans kept climbing the
billboards to cop a feel so dirk designed the second run of them to
have an accurate recreation of jakes butt density</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HE DID WHAT?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: its wild dude its like exactly spot on</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WAIT</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HOLY FUCK, HAVE YOU ACTUALLY TOUCHED
JAKES ASS???</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean not necessarily on purpose but who
hasnt</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: like i wouldnt say its so much that i touched
his ass its more like his ass copped a feel of my sweaty palm one
time and my poor fingers havent been the same since</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: sometimes i wake up from a fevered sleep and
find my reluctant groping hand huddled in the corner of my bed all
shaking and shit</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: the mind represses but the body remembers</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ive thought about taking my hand to a
psychologist but i dont think the little guy is ready to talk about
it yet</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway have you seriously never touched
it</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I HAVENT!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: not even by accident like brushing by in a
crowded elevator</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DONT SPEND A LOT OF TIME STANDING IN
ELEVATORS WITH JAKE FUCKING ENGLISH, OR FOR THAT MATTER, DOING MUCH
OF ANYTHING WITH THE IDIOT, AS YOU WELL KNOW.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: what im hearing is youve tragically never
touched his ass and its a bit of a sore subject with you</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: is that why youre so obsessed with it</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ?????</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: do you wanna touch it</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: shit can be arranged my dude</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: here ill text dirk right now i bet he can
pencil you in to cop a feel sometime next week</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO I DONT WANT TO. PUT YOUR PHONE THE
FUCK AWAY.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WE ARE NEVER HAVING A PLAYDATE WITH DIRK
AND JAKE AGAIN, ESPECIALLY NOT ONE ARRANGED FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE
OF ASSAULTING ONE OF THEM.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude jake lives for this shit</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: its not assault if his ass is begging for
it</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: wait wow that sounded bad</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: lets strike that one from the record</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway its no problem he literally will be
delighted to hear you want to spend time with him for some insane
reason</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: STOP TEXTING RIGHT NOW!!!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Karkat tries to tear Daves phone out of his
hand, but Dave simply levitates several inches off the ground to
hold it just out of jumping distance. Jade, pouting a bit, glides
in between them and uses her Space powers to teleport Daves phone
out from the center of his traumatized palm and into the pocket of
her sweater.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jade">JADE: hey can we focus here?</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: jakes ass isnt the one you two should be
talking about right now</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD, JADE DO YOU EVER FUCKING
STOP.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR ASS EITHER.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IVE SEEN IT ABOUT AS MANY TIMES AS IVE
SEEN JAKES. THE NOVELTY HAS WORN OFF, ASSUMING THERE EVEN WAS MUCH
TO BEGIN WITH.</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Jade leers at the boy who may have just
implied her ass was nothing to write home about. Her canines are
longer and sharper than a normal humans, making her grin seem more
predatory in nature, especially when she wants it to be. Karkat
shivers at the sight of it.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jade">JADE: thats NOT what im talking about...</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Jade grabs Karkats right hand, and then
Daves left one, and she begins to pull them toward each other.
Both boys recoil, but she is much stronger than them.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: jade</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: cmon what are you...</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Shes doing it. Shes making it hapen.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jade">JADE: this is a DATE dummies!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO, STOP!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Karkat makes a fist so tight that his nubby
fingernails pinch his skin. Dave does the opposite. He makes a flat
palm, and raises it as if to stop traffic.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jade">JADE: no..... let me.... show you....</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: you have to... turn it... flipwise!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">She turns Daves hand so that its cupping
Karkats angry little fist in its palm. When she pries Karkats
fingers open finally, they snap close around Daves almost
automatically. Karkats eyes go a little lightbulb-like. Daves
gone pale and a bit sweaty.</p>
<p>Jade claps, then makes a rectangle with her thumbs and
forefingers, framing her hand-holding besties at the center of it.
Shes taking a picture with her brain right now—Dave and Karkat,
being all shy and intimate with the romantic backdrop of a
brilliant twilight behind them. A pretty portrait. Put her in the
middle of it, and its a work of art. Just what she wants the rest
of her life to be. After all, where would these two pitiful beta
boys be without her?</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jade">JADE: see i dont mind at all!</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: i would never try to break up what you two
have.... im just trying to make it BETTER!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">With a satisfied smile, Jade dips under their
arms and hooks her hands around either waist, pulling Dave and
Karkat up flush against her. Their fingers remain entwined behind
her back. She begins walking them down the ridge of the hill,
beaming brighter than the first stars in the sky.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jade">JADE: see isnt this perfect?</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: it could be like this all the time you
know... the three of us in every combination</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: or whatever combinations you two are
comfortable with</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: heheheheh.... positions too!!!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave has gone catatonic. Karkats just as
quiet, but its a quiet thats as loud and alarmed as his actual
voice. Hes got his head turned away from the situation hes been
forced into, as far as it will go. Hes concentrating so hard on
looking elsewhere that he trips over a rock and is only saved by
Jade picking the three of them off the ground as she takes flight.
Karkats legs flail when his feet go out from under him.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AUGH! DONT DO THAT!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU KNOW I FUCKING HATE THAT!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Jade sets them back on the ground, cackling
like the witch she is. Karkat still wont look at her. She stops
laughing abruptly, sensing that her plan isnt going as well as
shed hoped. She views the two boys as a broken electrical circuit,
and herself as the conductor between the two charged points. She
just needs to maneuver it into the correct configuration, like she
did with their hands. She does a few quick calculations in her
head, refusing to give up on her assumption that relationship
issues can be solved the same way math problems can.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jade">JADE: dont worry karkat theres nothing to be scared
of...</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: well take care of you... right dave?</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave doesnt answer. She answers for him by
leaning down and planting a dry, affectionate kiss on Karkats
cheek. He yelps and leaps away like hes been scalded by a burning
iron, liberating himself from the deeply uncomfortable hug
triad.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OKAY THAT IS IT.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I AM DRAWING A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND
RIGHT HERE AND NOW, JADE. YOU WILL CEASE THIS ENDLESS VIOLATION OF
MY PERSON WITH YOUR MOUTH, FINGERS, AND OCCASIONALLY, YOUR FUCKING
TAIL.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I AM NOT A PIECE OF MEAT THAT YOU CAN
BRUTALLY AND VICIOUSLY MOLEST WHENEVER YOURE BORED.</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: brutally and viciously?????</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: :\</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ALRIGHT, ITS POSSIBLE IM OVERREACTING.
BUT THATS MY *FUCKING RIGHT* AS A FREE AND AUTONOMOUS PERSON WITH
A CERTAIN DEGREE OF FUNDAMENTAL BODILY SOVEREIGNTY ENDOWED TO HIM
BY THE GODS OF *MOTHER FUCKING CONSENT*.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: (mm hm)</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: sigh...</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IM
GETTING AT HERE, WHICH IS THAT I WANT YOU TO STOP DOING SHIT LIKE
KISSING ME WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION FIRST.</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: karkat youre absolutely right</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: and i couldnt agree more with you on issues
of consent as everyone whos gotten to know me well enough is
perfectly aware</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: BUT</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: im not the one who kissed you silly.....</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHA...?</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Jade covers her mouth coquettishly and
winks.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jade">JADE: it was.......DAVE!!!!!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave turns around, shoulders going rigid, and
eyes popping open like hes just awoken from one of the terrible,
sweaty nightmares he was projecting onto his hand earlier.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: i what</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: you kissed karkat! finally!!!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: n</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: no</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: no i didnt</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: why would i...</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave hesitates. Jade is giddy with
anticipation. She couldnt possibly look more pleased by her own
handiwork.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: i have no idea what youre talking about</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i would never</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: youre wack jade im not</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: wack????</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: why would i kiss karkat ive never even once
thought about kissing karkat</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: how would you even fucking do it</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: hes so</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: petite</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IM WHAT?!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: youre like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok yeah im gonna admit that was a weird thing
to say and has got dick all to do with your kissability</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS YET??</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: what i mean is like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: how could somebody kiss this guy</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: like anybody</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: when his teeth are so</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHEN MY TEETH ARE *FUCKING WHAT*?!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: theyre just</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: like theyre huge and</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: not always in your mouth</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: so like how would a guy get his tongue in
there</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: TONGUE??????????</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Karkat begins hyperventilating, and
momentarily forgets his beef with Jade long enough to lean on her
to prevent himself from toppling over.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: youd have to be really careful to like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean if you were INTENDING to kiss
karkat</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean its not like ive put any thought into
this</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but youd have to be so careful like just so
totally gentle in your approach to it because hes so</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ENOUGH!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CEASE! I COMMAND YOU!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you know</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: like this</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: idk im just spitballing and this is literally
the first time the thought has like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: EVER popped in my head?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: but upon earnest reflection i dunno if im up
to the task</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: um</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Daves mouth hangs open a bit. His gaze flits
from Karkat to Jade and back again. His palms are wet, but his
mouth is dry.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: im not</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i was never</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: were not</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Daves mumbling protest slows to a stop.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: actually ya know what</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dont have time for this</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: peace dudes</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Dave ollies the fuck out of there,
flash-stepping between one second to the next, disappearing thirty
seconds into the future with the gusto of a piece of garbage flying
into the fucking sun. Jade stares after him, blinking at the glare
of the afterimage he left behind. Its a glimmering slice of
ultraviolet that only she can see. It lingers in the unstable
particles between the air.</p>
<p>She huffs and puts her hands on her hips.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jade">JADE: wow RUDE!</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: siiigh. i forget sometimes how immature dave
can be</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: well karkat i guess its just us.... do you
still wanna go split a plateau of grub spaghetti at the noodle
barn?</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Karkat, when she turns to address him, is
staring at her slack-jawed. He takes a step back, but isnt
watching where he puts his foot. His heel goes into a dip in the
hill and he goes stumbling backwards, feet over head.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AH!! FUCK!!!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JADE!!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WOULD!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK! OUCH!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: A LITTLE!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HELP?!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MAYBE?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AAUUUUGH!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">Jade could probably catch him. Actually, she
could easily do it, but it doesnt seem like the kind of favor you
should do in a fledgling kismesissitude. So instead she watches him
roll all the way to the foot of the hill, knees and elbows bouncing
around all rag-dolled and furious as he swears up a storm. He hits
the ground back first and just lays there for a few minutes,
completely owned. He watches the darkening sky with a hollow look
on his face for at least an entire minute. Then he slowly pulls
himself to his feet and brushes the brambles off his pants. He
points up the hill at Jade and shouts.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FOR THE RECORD</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JUST SO WERE BOTH CLEAR</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THIS IS WHY I HATE LEAVING THE *FUCKING
HOUSE*!!!!!!!</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent">He absconds, limping a little and rubbing the
left side of his ass, which unfortunately for him affords nowhere
near the level of padding as Jakes legendary backside. Jade puffs
out both of her cheeks and stares after him.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jade">JADE: well i guess im eating grub spaghetti
alone</p>
<p class="jade">JADE: *again*!!!</p>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</body>
</html>