386 lines
20 KiB
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386 lines
20 KiB
HTML
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy - Chapter 9</title>
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<div id='s9'></div>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 9</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: arent you guys happy to get out of the house
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for once!!!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade’s tail swishes back and forth under her
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striped skirt as she takes a great, big sniff of the fresh outside
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air. It’s early evening on the outskirts of the Troll Kingdom. One
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by one, neon-bright windows are lighting up on the hives in the
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distance. Karkat is still shielding his eyes against the dying
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strains of the sunset. His shoulders are scrunched up so high that
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his cheeks disappear into his turtleneck.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO ACTUALLY.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T GET WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT IT. I
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CAN SEE THE SAME BULLSHIT FROM THE COMFORT OF MY HOUSE.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CHECK IT OUT. A GIANT BILLBOARD OF JAKE
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ENGLISH COMPLETE WITH A GYRATING MECHANICAL ASS.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT A TOTALLY NECESSARY THING TO SHOVE
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RIGHT INTO MY GANDER BULBS.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DEFINITELY COULDN’T HAVE LIVED WITHOUT
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SEEING THAT.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dude ok dont pretend you dont spend at least
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15% of your day ogling jakes ass on television anyway</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: in fact youre doing it right now</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WELL I CAN’T HELP IT, DAVE, IT’S RIGHT
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FUCKING THERE.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD, ARE THE MECHANICAL GLUTES ON
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THAT BILLBOARD ACTUALLY PADDED WITH PLUSH TO MAKE THEM MORE
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LIFELIKE?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah see crazed fans kept climbing the
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billboards to cop a feel so dirk designed the second run of them to
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have an accurate recreation of jakes butt density</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HE DID WHAT?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its wild dude its like exactly spot on</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WAIT</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HOLY FUCK, HAVE YOU ACTUALLY TOUCHED
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JAKE’S ASS???</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean not necessarily on purpose but who
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hasnt</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like i wouldnt say its so much that i touched
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his ass its more like his ass copped a feel of my sweaty palm one
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time and my poor fingers havent been the same since</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: sometimes i wake up from a fevered sleep and
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find my reluctant groping hand huddled in the corner of my bed all
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shaking and shit</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: the mind represses but the body remembers</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ive thought about taking my hand to a
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psychologist but i dont think the little guy is ready to talk about
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it yet</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway have you seriously never touched
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it</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I HAVEN’T!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: not even by accident like brushing by in a
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crowded elevator</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T SPEND A LOT OF TIME STANDING IN
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ELEVATORS WITH JAKE FUCKING ENGLISH, OR FOR THAT MATTER, DOING MUCH
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OF ANYTHING WITH THE IDIOT, AS YOU WELL KNOW.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: what im hearing is youve tragically never
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touched his ass and its a bit of a sore subject with you</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: is that why youre so obsessed with it</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ?????</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: do you wanna touch it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: shit can be arranged my dude</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: here ill text dirk right now i bet he can
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pencil you in to cop a feel sometime next week</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO I DON’T WANT TO. PUT YOUR PHONE THE
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FUCK AWAY.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WE ARE NEVER HAVING A PLAYDATE WITH DIRK
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AND JAKE AGAIN, ESPECIALLY NOT ONE ARRANGED FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE
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OF ASSAULTING ONE OF THEM.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dude jake lives for this shit</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its not assault if his ass is begging for
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it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: wait wow that sounded bad</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: lets strike that one from the record</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway its no problem he literally will be
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delighted to hear you want to spend time with him for some insane
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reason</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: STOP TEXTING RIGHT NOW!!!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat tries to tear Dave’s phone out of his
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hand, but Dave simply levitates several inches off the ground to
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hold it just out of jumping distance. Jade, pouting a bit, glides
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in between them and uses her Space powers to teleport Dave’s phone
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out from the center of his traumatized palm and into the pocket of
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her sweater.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: hey can we focus here?</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: jakes ass isnt the one you two should be
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talking about right now</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD, JADE DO YOU EVER FUCKING
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STOP.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR ASS EITHER.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’VE SEEN IT ABOUT AS MANY TIMES AS I’VE
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SEEN JAKE’S. THE NOVELTY HAS WORN OFF, ASSUMING THERE EVEN WAS MUCH
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TO BEGIN WITH.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade leers at the boy who may have just
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implied her ass was nothing to write home about. Her canines are
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longer and sharper than a normal human’s, making her grin seem more
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predatory in nature, especially when she wants it to be. Karkat
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shivers at the sight of it.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: thats NOT what im talking about...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade grabs Karkat’s right hand, and then
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Dave’s left one, and she begins to pull them toward each other.
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Both boys recoil, but she is much stronger than them.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: jade</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: cmon what are you...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She’s doing it. She’s making it hapen.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: this is a DATE dummies!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO, STOP!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dude</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat makes a fist so tight that his nubby
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fingernails pinch his skin. Dave does the opposite. He makes a flat
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palm, and raises it as if to stop traffic.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: no..... let me.... show you....</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: you have to... turn it... flipwise!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She turns Dave’s hand so that it’s cupping
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Karkat’s angry little fist in its palm. When she pries Karkat’s
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fingers open finally, they snap close around Dave’s almost
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automatically. Karkat’s eyes go a little lightbulb-like. Dave’s
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gone pale and a bit sweaty.</p>
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<p>Jade claps, then makes a rectangle with her thumbs and
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forefingers, framing her hand-holding besties at the center of it.
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She’s taking a picture with her brain right now—Dave and Karkat,
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being all shy and intimate with the romantic backdrop of a
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brilliant twilight behind them. A pretty portrait. Put her in the
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middle of it, and it’s a work of art. Just what she wants the rest
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of her life to be. After all, where would these two pitiful beta
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boys be without her?</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: see i dont mind at all!</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: i would never try to break up what you two
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have.... im just trying to make it BETTER!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">With a satisfied smile, Jade dips under their
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arms and hooks her hands around either waist, pulling Dave and
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Karkat up flush against her. Their fingers remain entwined behind
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her back. She begins walking them down the ridge of the hill,
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beaming brighter than the first stars in the sky.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: see isnt this perfect?</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: it could be like this all the time you
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know... the three of us in every combination</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: or whatever combinations you two are
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comfortable with</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: heheheheh.... positions too!!!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave has gone catatonic. Karkat’s just as
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quiet, but it’s a quiet that’s as loud and alarmed as his actual
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voice. He’s got his head turned away from the situation he’s been
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forced into, as far as it will go. He’s concentrating so hard on
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looking elsewhere that he trips over a rock and is only saved by
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Jade picking the three of them off the ground as she takes flight.
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Karkat’s legs flail when his feet go out from under him.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AUGH! DON’T DO THAT!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU KNOW I FUCKING HATE THAT!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade sets them back on the ground, cackling
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like the witch she is. Karkat still won’t look at her. She stops
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laughing abruptly, sensing that her plan isn’t going as well as
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she’d hoped. She views the two boys as a broken electrical circuit,
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and herself as the conductor between the two charged points. She
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just needs to maneuver it into the correct configuration, like she
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did with their hands. She does a few quick calculations in her
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head, refusing to give up on her assumption that relationship
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issues can be solved the same way math problems can.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: dont worry karkat theres nothing to be scared
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of...</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: well take care of you... right dave?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave doesn’t answer. She answers for him by
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leaning down and planting a dry, affectionate kiss on Karkat’s
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cheek. He yelps and leaps away like he’s been scalded by a burning
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iron, liberating himself from the deeply uncomfortable hug
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triad.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OKAY THAT IS IT.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I AM DRAWING A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND
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RIGHT HERE AND NOW, JADE. YOU WILL CEASE THIS ENDLESS VIOLATION OF
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MY PERSON WITH YOUR MOUTH, FINGERS, AND OCCASIONALLY, YOUR FUCKING
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TAIL.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I AM NOT A PIECE OF MEAT THAT YOU CAN
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BRUTALLY AND VICIOUSLY MOLEST WHENEVER YOU’RE BORED.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: brutally and viciously?????</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: :\</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ALRIGHT, IT’S POSSIBLE I’M OVERREACTING.
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BUT THAT’S MY *FUCKING RIGHT* AS A FREE AND AUTONOMOUS PERSON WITH
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A CERTAIN DEGREE OF FUNDAMENTAL BODILY SOVEREIGNTY ENDOWED TO HIM
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BY THE GODS OF *MOTHER FUCKING CONSENT*.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: (mm hm)</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: sigh...</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M
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GETTING AT HERE, WHICH IS THAT I WANT YOU TO STOP DOING SHIT LIKE
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KISSING ME WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION FIRST.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: karkat youre absolutely right</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: and i couldnt agree more with you on issues
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of consent as everyone whos gotten to know me well enough is
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perfectly aware</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: BUT</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: im not the one who kissed you silly.....</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHA...?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Jade covers her mouth coquettishly and
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winks.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: it was.......DAVE!!!!!</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave turns around, shoulders going rigid, and
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eyes popping open like he’s just awoken from one of the terrible,
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sweaty nightmares he was projecting onto his hand earlier.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i what</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: you kissed karkat! finally!!!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: n</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: no</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: no i didnt</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: why would i...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave hesitates. Jade is giddy with
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anticipation. She couldn’t possibly look more pleased by her own
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handiwork.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i have no idea what youre talking about</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i would never</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: youre wack jade im not</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: wack????</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: why would i kiss karkat ive never even once
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thought about kissing karkat</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: how would you even fucking do it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: hes so</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: petite</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M WHAT?!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: youre like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ok yeah im gonna admit that was a weird thing
|
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to say and has got dick all to do with your kissability</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS YET??</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what i mean is like</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: how could somebody kiss this guy</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like anybody</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: when his teeth are so</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHEN MY TEETH ARE *FUCKING WHAT*?!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: theyre just</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like theyre huge and</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: not always in your mouth</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so like how would a guy get his tongue in
|
||
there</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: TONGUE??????????</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Karkat begins hyperventilating, and
|
||
momentarily forgets his beef with Jade long enough to lean on her
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||
to prevent himself from toppling over.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: youd have to be really careful to like</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean if you were INTENDING to kiss
|
||
karkat</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean its not like ive put any thought into
|
||
this</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but youd have to be so careful like just so
|
||
totally gentle in your approach to it because hes so</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ENOUGH!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: CEASE! I COMMAND YOU!</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: you know</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like this</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: idk im just spitballing and this is literally
|
||
the first time the thought has like</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: EVER popped in my head?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but upon earnest reflection i dunno if im up
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||
to the task</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: um</p>
|
||
</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Dave’s mouth hangs open a bit. His gaze flits
|
||
from Karkat to Jade and back again. His palms are wet, but his
|
||
mouth is dry.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: im not</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i was never</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: were not</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Dave’s mumbling protest slows to a stop.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: actually ya know what</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dont have time for this</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: peace dudes</p>
|
||
</div>
|
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<p class="no-indent">Dave ollies the fuck out of there,
|
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flash-stepping between one second to the next, disappearing thirty
|
||
seconds into the future with the gusto of a piece of garbage flying
|
||
into the fucking sun. Jade stares after him, blinking at the glare
|
||
of the afterimage he left behind. It’s a glimmering slice of
|
||
ultraviolet that only she can see. It lingers in the unstable
|
||
particles between the air.</p>
|
||
<p>She huffs and puts her hands on her hips.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: wow RUDE!</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: siiigh. i forget sometimes how immature dave
|
||
can be</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: well karkat i guess its just us.... do you
|
||
still wanna go split a plateau of grub spaghetti at the noodle
|
||
barn?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Karkat, when she turns to address him, is
|
||
staring at her slack-jawed. He takes a step back, but isn’t
|
||
watching where he puts his foot. His heel goes into a dip in the
|
||
hill and he goes stumbling backwards, feet over head.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AH!! FUCK!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JADE!!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WOULD!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK! OUCH!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: A LITTLE!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HELP?!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MAYBE?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AAUUUUGH!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade could probably catch him. Actually, she
|
||
could easily do it, but it doesn’t seem like the kind of favor you
|
||
should do in a fledgling kismesissitude. So instead she watches him
|
||
roll all the way to the foot of the hill, knees and elbows bouncing
|
||
around all rag-dolled and furious as he swears up a storm. He hits
|
||
the ground back first and just lays there for a few minutes,
|
||
completely owned. He watches the darkening sky with a hollow look
|
||
on his face for at least an entire minute. Then he slowly pulls
|
||
himself to his feet and brushes the brambles off his pants. He
|
||
points up the hill at Jade and shouts.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FOR THE RECORD</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JUST SO WE’RE BOTH CLEAR</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THIS IS WHY I HATE LEAVING THE *FUCKING
|
||
HOUSE*!!!!!!!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">He absconds, limping a little and rubbing the
|
||
left side of his ass, which unfortunately for him affords nowhere
|
||
near the level of padding as Jake’s legendary backside. Jade puffs
|
||
out both of her cheeks and stares after him.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: well i guess im eating grub spaghetti
|
||
alone</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: *again*!!!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |