542 lines
29 KiB
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542 lines
29 KiB
HTML
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat - Chapter 12</title>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 12</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so we gotta hit jane right in her neoliberal
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austerity measures were all agreed on that right</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UH HUH.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: yeah sure</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: now shes gonna spin some shit about supply
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side economics but we cant let her control the narrative on that
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one cause the first thing thats gonna happen once she begins
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deregulating the baking industry is that some sweet dumb crocodile
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down in consort land is gonna start putting sparkle glue in the
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cupcake mix which isnt even the real issue thats just surface
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issues</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: RIGHT.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: definitely</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean earth c has just been play acting
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capitalism the last five thousand years while we timeskipped ahead
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to live rad lives as gods without bothering with any of the boring
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shit that goes into making a civilization</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: which is fine i mean you cant really expect a
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bunch of teens who didnt finish middle school to set up a
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sustainable form of social democracy that isnt just blatantly
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ripped off whatever we incorrectly thought obama god rest his soul
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was doing back in the day</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SIGH</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but janes got this old school mentality you
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just know she wants to restrict grist alchemy for the sake of
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“growth” and when that goes down itll take three seconds flat for
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some nobody in new dersetown to drop the earth c communist
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manifesto</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: at which point were in for a speedrun of
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either our 20th century or her 21st century</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: were gonna glitch under the map straight from
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marx to clown dictatorship</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: which also isnt the real issue</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH YEAH.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: of course</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: are you two even listening or are you just
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making noises with your mouths</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HOW DARE YOU.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M BEING ACCUSED BY DAVE
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STRIDER, REIGNING EMPEROR OF SPEWING ENDLESS VERBAL DIARRHEA
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DIRECTLY INTO MY INNOCENT HEAR DUCTS EVERY DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE,
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OF MAKING THOUGHTLESS MOUTH NOISES.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JADE, ARE YOU HEARING THIS?</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: im scandalized</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: especially when</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: there are much better things we could all be
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doing with our mouths.....</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">It’s been a really nice day they’ve been
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having, and then Jade had to go say something like that. The air in
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the hive changes in a way that is palpable, in a way that she can’t
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seem to accurately gauge despite having both superhuman and
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superdog senses. She’s lying on her stomach on the floor, chin in
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her palms, glasses slid down to the tip of her nose, kicking her
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legs in the air. Elements of her outfit resemble her god tier
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jammies: peasant skirt, sparkly flats, and a bold choice in striped
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tights. Her tail swishes from side to side, showing way too much of
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her thigh, which isn’t really all that salacious considering three
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of her bras are thrown over the back of the couch where she crashed
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last night, and the night before that, and the better part of the
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seven years before that. There are other personal effects of hers
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in the living room too: plants on the windowstill, her bass guitar
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sitting in a corner, a horrific-looking periodic table that Dave
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made her for her seventeenth birthday pinned above the stairwell.
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He typed it in Comic Sans, and then deep-fried it to oblivion with
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JPEG artifacts.</p>
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<p>Everyone in this room knows each other way too well, so what
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happens next goes a little like clockwork.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Says Karkat, for like thirty seconds straight
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as he retreats into the bulk of his sweater. He scoots a half foot
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to put his back against the couch when Jade pushes her glasses up
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the bridge of her nose and looks at him.</p>
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<p>And Dave, with his preternaturally perfect timing, sweeps a hand
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over his tablet to bring up a new PowerPoint slide on the TV. He
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returns to his Comic Sans-written political presentation, gruesome
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artifacts and all, with the grace and proficiency of a man who has
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diffused an awkward situation in his own household many times per
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day, every day, for many years.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: anyway we all know the real issue is troll
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reproduction</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: this election season is gonna be so jacked up
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with dogwhistles jade will never sleep again</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: woof!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yo get ready for the top propaganda hits of
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the year</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: alternia: brutal eugenics based space
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dictatorship</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NOT UNTRUE.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: troll homeworld: lord of the flies nightmare
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scenario where kids murder each other just to get the chance to get
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to grow up and murder other aliens instead</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT WASN’T THAT BAD.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: actual names of professions on alternia:
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threshecutioner</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: legislacerator</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: minister of sucking the eyeballs out of your
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fucking skull then putting my two monstrous hr giger tier troll
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dicks up in there and just mashing the shit out of your brain with
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them</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU MADE THAT LAST ONE UP.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ALSO, IT WAS DISGUSTING??</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU UTTERLY
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CONTEMPTIBLE, POTTY MOUTHED *CUNT*.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: also you know trolls dont actually have two
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dicks dave thats an offensive stereotype</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i know thats the point keep up guys</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ready for another one</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: trolls: literally ate babies</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ONLY THE DEFECTIVE ONES.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like you my dude</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...YEAH.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: so thats why our campaign can work</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: btw im gonna be giving a long form exam at
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the end of this to make sure youre retaining info because this is
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only like the most important thing weve ever done collectively</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: siiiiiiiigh</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: aside from creating the universe i mean</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: its not that it isnt important dave its that
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like</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: the method youre using to communicate it is
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kinda........</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: inefficient and BORING</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: you mean</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: words</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: i mean YOUR words specifically!!!</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: we already understand the issues at play you
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dont have to explain it to us over and over again like were
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twelve</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: right karkat???</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ARE YOU ASKING ME WHETHER I’VE HEARD THIS
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EXACT SPEECH ALMOST WORD FOR WORD, INCLUDING REHEARSED VERSIONS OF
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BOTH THE COLORFUL METAPHORS AND “JOKES,” TEN OR TWENTY TIMES
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ALREADY?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BECAUSE THE ANSWER WOULD BE</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YES, OF COURSE I FUCKING HAVE.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">Karkat elbows Dave in the thigh, a move that
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is obviously meant to be an action of pure, brotherly jest. But
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instead it comes off as affectionate and overly intimate. Jade’s
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clever eyes don’t miss this. Her pupils follow the motion of
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Karkat’s arm, and then they follow the movement of Dave’s mouth as
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he smiles in what he probably thinks is a totally neutral
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expression that reveals exactly 0% of his true feelings toward
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Karkat Vantas. In reality, his veneer is as thin and transparent as
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cellophane. He is the only person who can’t see through it.</p>
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<p>Jade does some calculations in her head. Two kinds of
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calculations, in fact: mathematical ones and personal ones.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: soooooo</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: do you want a projection of her first years
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hit on the economy down to the decimal with a 0.3% margin of
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error</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: because thats a thing i can do if itll make
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you stop talking about this stupid election for ten minutes</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: damn hit me up girl calculator</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: i dont think youre wrong about janes
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plans</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent">She proceeds to dazzle the two boys with
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explications on complex math utilizing taxation rates, GDP figures,
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and some damned thing called the “Laffer curve,” which she easily
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could have just invented to own them both. But the truth is, she
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cares too deeply for these boys to fabricate silly-sounding
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economic models on the spot in order to make them seem foolish in
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front of the camera later.</p>
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<p>The thing about Jade Harley is that she’s not as good at
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personal things as she is at other things. Like science, or
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mastering fraymotifs, or kissing, the last of which she has
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definitely put a lot of levels into over the past few years
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because, well, what else are you supposed to do with immortal
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godhood once you hit the age where the dog hormones start kicking
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into overdrive? She rolls over and hitches up on her palms so that
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she can stare her two friends down. Her high-prescription lenses
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make her eyes look anime-huge. They might literally be glittering,
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she’s so completely serious about the issue she is trying to
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stress.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="jade">JADE: so now that thats all out of the way</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: its time to get real you two</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: that wasnt an invitation for you to make a
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pun about having all the time in the world or whatever it was you
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were going to say</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: im about to lay out some cold hard evidence
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so pay attention!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH, HANG ON, LET ME GET A PEN.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: evidence about.....</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: our relationship!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: you let me live in your hive when im in
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town</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE...</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: im preeeetty intimately entwined in both your
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lives</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT YOU’RE JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS?</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: AND you dont disengage from about 86.234% of
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my flirtations</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WAIT, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU KEEP TRACK
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OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT?</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: so....... are we doing this or not?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DOING WHAT?!</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: dating dummy!!!!!!!!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT IS</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT IS... A COMPLICATED TOPIC IN MY
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CULTURE THAT I’M NOT SURE HUMANS ARE EQUIPPED TO TALK ABOUT.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: also totally unrelated to the economy</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: which not gonna lie is the only thing i want
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to talk about for uh</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: for however long it takes for this other
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conversation to stop happening</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: so say no!!!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: well</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UHHHHH</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: im not just forcing this conversation for my
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sake! its for you two as well</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: i mean after all this time have you two even
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kissed yet??????</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: wha</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WH-WHY WOULD</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: uhh</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY WOULD WE KISS??</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: thats</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT’S... YOU... I MEAN, HE’S... HE’S
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DAVE.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: we</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AND I’M KARKAT.</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: yes hes dave and youre karkat and everyone we
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know always calls you that</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: “dave and karkat”</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: i cant remember the last time i heard anyone
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mention one of you without the other</p>
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<p class="jade">JADE: the two of you have basically been together
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since your days on the meteor its SO obvious</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: TOGETHER, YES. AS FRIENDS.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yea</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: VERY CLOSE FRIENDS WHO UNDERSTAND AND
|
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SUPPORT EACH OTHER ON A DEEP AND EMPATHETIC LEVEL THAT GOES BEYOND
|
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HATE OR PITY. YOU COULD EVEN SAY THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP...</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...TRANSCENDS QUADRANTS.</p>
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||
<p class="jade">JADE: yeaaaaaah not gonna lie karkat but that
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sounds totally kinda gay</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UGH YOU HUMANS AND YOUR UNFATHOMABLE
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GENDER BASED QUADRANTS.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
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<p class="no-indent">Jade faceplams. She does it a little too hard
|
||
and slams the bridge of her glasses into her forehead.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: ow!</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ANYWAY WEREN’T YOU... DATING THAT
|
||
CARAPACIAN COUPLE? LAST TIME WE CHECKED?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade drags her hand down the bottom half of
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her face and sighs.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="jade">JADE: yeah for FUN</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: im twenty three dont you think thats a little
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||
old to still be dating for fun</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: wait you saying we arent fun</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: whens the last time either of you left the
|
||
house??????</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ...</p>
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||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...</p>
|
||
</div>
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||
<p class="no-indent">Jade sighs and crawls closer. She takes one of
|
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Karkat’s hands in hers.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: i think wed all work good together</p>
|
||
</div>
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||
<p class="no-indent">In her other hand, she tries to grab Dave’s
|
||
wrist, but he flash-steps to the other side of the couch. She pouts
|
||
at him and keeps holding Karkat’s increasingly sweaty palm.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: and i think weve been dancing around that for
|
||
years now</p>
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||
<p class="jade">JADE: i wanna try dating for real</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SORRY IF WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY TOTALLY
|
||
BLOWS YOUR MIND</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DATING A SINGLE PERSON, FOR MORE THAN
|
||
HALF A SWEEP, FOR REASONS OTHER THAN INITIATING THE CONCUPISCENT
|
||
EXCHANGE OF FLUIDS?</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade’s grip on Karkat’s hand gets a little too
|
||
tight, but her big-toothed smile remains flawlessly pleasant. This
|
||
is a common sort of exchange between them and could be easily
|
||
considered flirtation on several different metrics, especially
|
||
considering the history between them and the sheer level of black
|
||
flirtation that Karkat accidentally indulged in during his insecure
|
||
youth. He doesn’t even pull his hand away.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: ok first of all dont slut shame me
|
||
fuckass</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: second of all thats what im trying to do
|
||
here</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: third of all karkat arent you from a culture
|
||
where people are expected to engage in romantic relationships with
|
||
up to like five people at a time??</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT’S NOT</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL.</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: oh yeah??? explain the fundamental
|
||
epistemological difference</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok jade i think theres a flaw in your
|
||
approach here cause you seem to think winning an argument on super
|
||
clever logical grounds is gonna get a couple dudes to break down
|
||
and fling themselves at you in like, a sexual way</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: wellll it usually does ;B</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh my fucking god</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">This earns Dave a look. A long, sad one that
|
||
has Jade messing with her glasses again so that she can peer right
|
||
at him and apply some more of that faulty personal math to his
|
||
facial expression.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: dave......</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: is this...........</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: about obama???</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: no i</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: dave are you in love with obama?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: jade jesus where do you get this shit
|
||
from</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: is it about jesus then??????</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: no!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: jesus wasnt even real</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: i know he wasnt real!</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: wait...</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: are you saying</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: obama was real?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yes</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: obama was real</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: he was the president</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: all this time i thought obama was like</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: an aspirational fictional character that you
|
||
modeled your life after</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AHAHAHAHA I CAN’T AHAHA BREATHE...</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: like snoop dog or nicolas cage</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THIS IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: they were both real too</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i know that you grew up on an isolated island
|
||
in the middle of nowhere and everything but didnt you have like</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: access to the internet</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: wow well im sorry i wasted my whole childhood
|
||
filling my head with pointless things like astrophysics and senary
|
||
numeral systems that allow me to do complex equations in my
|
||
head!!!!!!</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: no dude thats kind of fucked up</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: karkat stop laughing jades fucked up
|
||
childhood isnt funny</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHA YES IT FUCKING IS!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ALSO SCREW YOU FOR SAYING IT’S NOT
|
||
FUNNY??</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY IS IT LIKE SOME SORT OF *TRAGEDY* HOW
|
||
SHE WAS RAISED?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BECAUSE SHE WAS RAISED ALONE BY AN
|
||
ANIMAL??</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: *I* WAS RAISED ALONE BY AN ANIMAL!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK OFF AND LET ME ENJOY THIS!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Karkat has finally pulled his hand away so
|
||
that he can clutch his stomach, he’s laughing so hard. Jade gets up
|
||
and stalks over to where Dave is awkwardly cowering at the other
|
||
end of the couch and snatches his tablet from him. There’s a ripple
|
||
in the room that makes it clear their god tier powers have just
|
||
clashed against each other. He shifts his arm through time and Jade
|
||
warps the space around them so that she’s the one holding the
|
||
tablet. This is not the first time that they have rearranged the
|
||
fabric of reality for a petty reason like this. Karkat has
|
||
permanently sworn off playing board games with them.</p>
|
||
<p>The moment Jade brings the paint program up on the television,
|
||
Karkat stops laughing.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">He tries to grab the tablet from her, but
|
||
she’s hovering well above the ground and he simply is not tall
|
||
enough to reach. With a shit-eating grin and deliberate care, Jade
|
||
begins to draw a grid.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: ill put this in terms karkat will appreciate,
|
||
check it out</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JADE, I SWEAR TO...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Karkat jumps and tries to grab her skirt, but
|
||
she swims through the air with ease, giggling as she doodles.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU BETTER NOT BE DRAWING WHAT I THINK
|
||
YOU’RE DRAWING!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Her artistic skill even at the advanced age of
|
||
twenty-three still leaves something to be desired, but it’s pretty
|
||
easy to produce recognizable caricatures of the three people in the
|
||
room right now. She gives Karkat a pair of fuzzy, angry eyebrows
|
||
and starts drawing other lines. Sinister lines, with salacious
|
||
meaning. It’s exactly what Karkat fears: a shipping grid.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: STOP! CEASE! DESIST THIS MOMENT! DO NOT
|
||
DRAW ONE MORE LINE!</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: oh nooo im drawing a line karkat better stop
|
||
me before it goes aaaall the way from my mouth to yours!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Karkat catches the back of her shirt and she
|
||
goes plummeting weightlessly to the floor, still laughing. Karkat
|
||
tries to wrestle the pen out of her hand, but all he accomplishes
|
||
is turning the redrom trajectory between her and Dave into a redrom
|
||
loop-de-loop.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: see me and karkat have great black
|
||
chemistry!</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT IS NOT BLACK CHEMISTRY YOU HORRID
|
||
NON-CHITINOUS WINDBAG!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade and Karkat roll over each other on the
|
||
floor and he gets a mouthful of her hair</p>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">for his trouble. Jade comes out on top and
|
||
sits on his back, humming to herself as she crafts her grand
|
||
design.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: and now that daves all chill hed make a great
|
||
auspistice</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">She says, cheerful and oblivious.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: no</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: because you and karkat are kind of like
|
||
moirails</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: no</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: and you and i</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: well yknow its always been pretty flirty</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: jade</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: EXCEPT!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade finishes drawing a shaky heart directly
|
||
into the paint program. It’s so big and bright on the TV that it
|
||
fills the entire room with red light. Karkat raises his face and
|
||
stares at it in utterly bereft horror. The sick light makes the
|
||
bags under his eyes look like divots.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: in this model..........</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: troll quadrants are dumb so we ALL kiss!</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: i call this political arrangement:</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: fully automated luxury polyamorous space-time
|
||
communism!!!!!!!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">No one reacts. Karkat is defeated, completely.
|
||
Dave has just crossed his arms and pressed his mouth into a thinner
|
||
line than usual. Jade’s ears flatten and she huffs. It sounds a
|
||
little like a dog whining.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: oh come on that was a good one!</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: its politically relevant and everything</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: jade im not gonna laugh at your made up ship
|
||
name for this imaginary threesome thats not happening</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade rolls her eyes and tosses both the tablet
|
||
and pen over her shoulder. Dave flashes across the living room to
|
||
catch his very expensive computing device in both arms. The pen
|
||
bounces off his forehead. Jade dismounts from Karkat’s poor,
|
||
abused, terribly mortal spine and brushes down her skirt.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: well ive said what i wanted to say</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: its up to you two what you do with it</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: i have to go talk to roxy and callie about
|
||
the election anyway</p>
|
||
<p class="jade">JADE: call me when you two figure it all out!</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Jade clicks her heels together to propel
|
||
herself back into the air and actually winks at them before
|
||
absconding through an open window. She has to push the thick
|
||
curtains aside to do so. Karkat hisses when the light spills over
|
||
his face.</p>
|
||
<p>What Jade leaves in her wake is not quite the emotional
|
||
scorched-earth situation that she was going for, but a few of her
|
||
needles have definitely gotten under some skin. Dave and Karkat
|
||
both stare after her, silently caught in their own private
|
||
rationalization spirals.</p>
|
||
<p>Karkat needs to verbalize part of his out loud.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WOW WHAT A CRAZY AND TOTALLY IMPROBABLE
|
||
CONVERSATION WE JUST HAD WITH OUR BEST FRIEND JADE.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: y...</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT A GOOD THING FOR US THAT SHE’S
|
||
TOTALLY DELUSIONAL AND HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT,
|
||
HUH?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: for sure</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent">Dave offers Karkat a hand up from the floor.
|
||
When their palms connect, there’s a moment where something could
|
||
happen. A little spark of potential. It would be so very easy for
|
||
something to happen.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...........</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ..........</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WANNA PLAY SOME TROLL TONY HAWK?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: hell</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |