544 lines
29 KiB
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544 lines
29 KiB
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<title>The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat - Chapter 21</title>
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<div id='s21'></div>
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<div>
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<h1>Chapter 21</h1>
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<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: holy shit thats disgusting</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DON’T BE A FUCKING XENOPHOBE</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: im not being a xenophobe</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Karkat doesn’t respond immediately. He
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shuffles his feet to the edge of the outcropping they’re standing
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on and stares down at the brood pit, where the Mother Grub of Earth
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C is squelching out unfertilized jelly.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dude you know im not a xenophobe</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">No answer. This silence makes Dave
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actually back up for three seconds and think about what the hell
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just came out of his mouth. He’s worried that maybe he said
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something wrong here, that he was being horribly insensitive inside
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a place that’s probably holy ground for the few Alternia-born
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trolls left alive. Maybe flippant xenophobia isn’t the best look in
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front of your alien pseudo-boyfriend when it comes to jamming about
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the irreconcilable biological differences between your species.</p>
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<p class="dirk">Dave could definitely be handling this situation
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with a certain measure of restraint or grace. But he’s got my
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genes, so he decides to handle it a different way than that.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean thats what this whole election thing
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is about</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: having your back when it comes to this
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reproduction issue</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: well</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: that and the economy</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: lets not lose TOTAL sight of the economy in
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this critical discussion</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but im almost as passionate about this troll
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speciesism thing as i am about the economy which you may not have
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known is my number one issue</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: my wheelhouse you could say</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: but my other wheelhouse is like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: giving a fuck about your feelings and culture
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and shit?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Karkat still doesn’t answer. He’s staring
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real intently at the jelly.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dude hey</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: karkat</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yo karkat you listening?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HEY DIPSHIT, SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M NOT IGNORING YOU BECAUSE I’M MAD.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: what</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: that wasnt what i</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I KNOW THAT YOU PERISH LIKE A DELICATE
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LILAC BLOOM IN THE FUCKING DESERT IF NOT SHOWERED WITH MY VERBAL
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ATTENTION AT ALL TIMES.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT I’M KIND OF WITNESSING THE REBIRTH OF
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MY ENTIRE FUCKING SPECIES RIGHT HERE.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU EVER THINK THAT THIS MIGHT BE A
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MONUMENTAL MOMENT FOR ME?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT I MIGHT BE AWESTRUCK AT THE PURE
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MAJESTY OF THIS SIGHT?</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Dave comes to the edge of the
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outcropping, standing shoulder to shoulder with Karkat as he too
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observes the majesty of translucent goo getting birthed out of an
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alien asshole.</p>
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<p class="dirk">Karkat’s got a strange expression on his face, cast
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half in shadow and half in orange light. Dave winces as the grub’s
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nasty slime chute sputters out a bunch of air bubbles. It’s a
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gross, gurgling fart that goes on basically forever.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah but it is totally disgusting right</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT PART OF THIS IS DISGUSTING?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IS IT THE SLOW DEFLATING OF ITS DISTENDED
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ABDOMEN?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THE SOUND OF DOZENS OF SEGMENTED LEGS
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CLACKING AGAINST ITS EXOSKELETON?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THE UNFERTILIZED SLURRY BEING SLOWLY
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SQUEEZED FROM ITS OVIPOSITIONAL SPHINCTER?</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IS THAT IT? IS THAT DISGUSTING TO YOU
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DAVE?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: kind of</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S HORRIBLE</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST I WOULD HAVE
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GLADLY GONE THE REST OF MY WRETCHED EXISTENCE WITHOUT EVER SEEING
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THIS.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its like when you squish the toothpaste down
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in the middle</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: only the tube is filled with fetus juice</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Im Sorry But I Can Hear You From Down
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Here</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Did You Want To Talk To Me Or Are You
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Intent On Performing An Impromptu And Very Unfunny Comedy Act On My
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Front Step</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: oh hey kanaya</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Dave grabs Karkat by the wrist of his
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oversized sweater and they skid down the narrow walkway into the
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mouth of the crater. Kanaya steps out from beneath the canopy where
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she was doing grub science, wiping her hands on a silk cloth. She’s
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glowing. Her skin, I mean. Her mood can be politely described as
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pensive. Still, she smiles at the sight of old friends.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="dave">DAVE: whats shaking sis</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Must You Always Call Me That</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: nah but it does feel pretty rad to say</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like wow my sister in law is an alien how
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cool is that</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i love our awesome planet where everyone is
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free to form xenophilic family units without fear of government
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interference or reprisal</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: which is a totally smooth segue into the
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topic at hand</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT WASN’T SMOOTH AT ALL.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IN FACT I DON’T THINK IT WOULD BE
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POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO RAISE THE SUBJECT WE’VE COME TO TALK ABOUT IN A
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MORE OSTENTATIOUSLY AWFUL AND AWKWARD WAY.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JUST BECAUSE YOU DID THAT STUPID
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LITTLE...</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Here, Karkat pauses to imitate a very
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common Davism that involves two hands and a double-wrist swivel.
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It’s an incredibly good imitation, because he sees this particular
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bit of body language like ten times a day.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ...MOTION WITH YOUR HANDS DOESN’T MAKE IT
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SMOOTH</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: no see the reason its smooth is because i was
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the one who did it</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: i got inherent smoothness and its a quality
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that transfers to everything i say and do</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: also that thing i do with my hands isnt
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stupid</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: its cool</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN
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AND YOU DO IT LIKE TEN TIMES A DAY.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT EVEN IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE?</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: im dropping a beat</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: like im using a turntable and scratching one
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song into another</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: all smooth and shit</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO FOLD
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LAUNDRY YOU FORGOT TO IRON.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: dude you have never once in your life ironed
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a shirt</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I AM FAMILIAR WITH THE BASIC MECHANICS OF
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YOUR EARTH CUSTOMS DAVE.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ok ironing is def not earth culture</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: ive seen kanaya iron like</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: a whole bunch of shirts</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: yo kanaya</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: back me up here sis</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Kanaya regards them with a thin-lipped
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smile that is equal measures patronizing and fond.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: So This Is About The Election</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AH.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YES.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU’VE ALREADY HEARD.</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Kanaya holds up her phone.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Do Get The Internet Down Here</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Am Impressed That You Managed To Be
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Seen In Front Of That Many People Without Spontaneously Bursting
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Into Flames</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WOW THANKS, ANOTHER VOTE OF CONFIDENCE
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FROM ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS.</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THIS CONDESCENSION IS REALLY RICH COMING
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FROM THE PERSON WHO DECIDED HER NARCISSISTIC OBSESSION WITH BEING
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THE ONE TO HATCH THE MOTHER GRUB WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN NOT
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SEEDING OUR PLANET WITH A STOPGAP SYSTEM OF REPRODUCTION THAT WOULD
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CAUSE SYSTEMIC SPECIESISM TO OSSIFY INTO SOCIETY FOR 5000
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YEARS.</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: karkat</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: hey</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: This Again</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YES, THIS AGAIN!!!</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK!!!</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: (uh)</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: (karkat buddy)</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: (remember the game plan here)</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: (we want to get kanaya on our side not
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alienate her completely)</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Karkat</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Acknowledge That There Have Been
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Consequences To The Decisions We Made Regarding The Foundation Of
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This Society That Were Not Foreseen Or Ideal</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: But I Do Not Think It Is Productive To
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Attribute These Resultant Troubles To A Single Decision Or
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Individual</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: It Stands In The Way Of Our Efforts To
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Address Them</p>
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<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MMNNNRRRGHHH.........</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: (shhhhhh)</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KAYANA: You Know As Well As I Do That We Must
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Present A United Front</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Please Do Not Misinterpret My Tone</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Have Nothing But The Utmost Faith In
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You</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Kanaya reaches out to put a hand on
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Karkat’s head. He doesn’t duck away in time, and she gives him an
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affectionate, matronly hair-ruffle between his horns. She keeps her
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hand there and pulls him a step closer so that she can speak softly
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to him. Her voice travels high in the empty cavern, but her tone is
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tender and private.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: While I Know That It Is Difficult For You
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To Take A Direct Compliment</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Have In The Past Put My Faith In You
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When The Threat To Our Survival Has Been Immediate And Literal</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Its Basically Nothing To Ask Me To Do It
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Again Now That The Threat Is Far More</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Kanaya pauses here, choosing her words
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more carefully than usual. She takes her hand off Karkat’s head and
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puts two fingers to her lip. Karkat’s eyes follow the motion, wide
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||
and bright as dollar coins.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: *Existential*</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Is How I Think I Shall Put It</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: If We Are Going To Be Polite</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: youre up on all the issues then</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">Kanaya sighs and starts making her way
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around the edge of the brood pit.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: How Could I Not Be When It Concerns Me So
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Directly</p>
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</div>
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<p class="no-indent dirk">She lifts up the hem of her skirt and
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jumps in. Dave is watching her, but Karkat’s looking
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contemplatively at his entwined hands. Kanaya’s right: it’s almost
|
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excruciating for him to take a completely unironic compliment,
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especially face-to-face, like what she just said to him. I
|
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understand this about Karkat. It’s one of the precious few things
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he and I have in common.</p>
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<p class="dirk">We internalize and project the quality in very
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different ways, however, which is why I’m going to win.</p>
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<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
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||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Jane Has Been Here To Speak With Me
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Recently In Fact</p>
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<p class="dave">DAVE: no fucking way</p>
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<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: She Was Quite Cordial As Always</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: You Know I Do Like Jane</p>
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||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: In Some Regards She Reminds Me Of A
|
||
Friend We Had Who Sadly Did Not Survive Our Time On The Meteor</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: She Was Unfailingly Kind To Everyone She
|
||
Met But She Also Happened To Be The Heiress To The Throne Of A Vast
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||
And Bloody Empire</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: And While She Had A Lot Of Opinions On
|
||
Reform She Had Already Wrenched Some Of Her Power From Our Last
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||
Empress In The Traditional Manner</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">Karkat finally looks up at the
|
||
description of one of their many dead friends. Kanaya carefully
|
||
steps between the puddles of brood jelly and approaches the Mother
|
||
Grub. She rests an ear against the rise of its massive stomach,
|
||
then taps the shell with two perfectly manicured fingernails.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: By Which I Mean That Jane Is Perfectly
|
||
Pleasant And I Believe That She Has Only The Best Of Intentions</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: But I Cant Shake The Feeling That Deep
|
||
Inside Her Lurks The Potential For Despotism</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OKAY I GET WHY YOU GUYS KEEP CALLING JANE
|
||
A CRYPTO-FASCIST</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT FUCKING FEFERI? SHE WAS HARMLESS.</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: These Things Take Time To Gestate
|
||
Karkat</p>
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||
<p class="dave">DAVE: damn</p>
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||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Power Corrupts In Small Steps</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Compromises</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Concessions</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Appeasements</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: And Leaders Follow The Example Set For
|
||
Them</p>
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||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Look At What Jane Has Modeled Herself
|
||
After Already</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Do Believe Its Important To Consider
|
||
Precedent</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">When Kanaya is satisfied by whatever she
|
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hears churning inside the grotesque insides of the giant bug, she
|
||
comes back up to the lip of the pit and hoists herself out.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: This Is Why I Trust You Karkat</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Because You Listen To Advice From Below
|
||
And Beside You Not From Above</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: And If Dave Is With You I Trust You Not
|
||
To Isolate Yourself As You Have In The Past</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: sweet</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: so weve got your endorsement then</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">She laughs, not kindly.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Jane Offered Me “A Seat” On The “Board Of
|
||
Responsible Troll Reproduction”</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DARE SHE!</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: That Is Exactly What I Said</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: With More Tact Of Course</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Do Understand The Trepidation
|
||
Considering What The History Books Teach About Alternia</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH, LIKE HUMAN HISTORY IS A FUCKING WALK
|
||
IN THE RECREATION SPRAWL.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HOW HYPOCRITICAL CAN SHE BE?</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Yes</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: In Case You Cant Tell I Am Actually
|
||
Fucking Furious About This</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SHE COULDN’T PICK A MORE SUBTLE WORD THAN
|
||
“RESPONSIBLE”? SHE’S NOT EVEN TRYING TO MASK HER XENOPHOBIA. IT’S
|
||
LIKE SHE HAS NO FUCKING RESPECT FOR US.</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: It Is Entirely Thoughtless On Her
|
||
Part</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Our Reproduction Method Is Alien And
|
||
Unfamiliar</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: To A Human It Must Sound Monstrous</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Uncontrolled Even</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WELL OF COURSE</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHEN I HEAR ABOUT HOW HUMAN GRUBS CHEW
|
||
THEIR WAY OUT OF THE FEMALE MATESPRIT’S ABDOMINAL HOLE BEFORE
|
||
CONSUMING THE WOMB MEMBRANE IT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT YOU DON’T SEE ME PROPOSING FUCKING
|
||
POLITICAL POLICY BASED ON THAT.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude thats not how pregnancy works</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: UH DAVE, YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE NOTICED, BUT
|
||
WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT HUMANS RIGHT NOW.</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Yes Dave Check Your Privilege</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ANYWAY WE NEED TO EXPOSE HER BULLSHIT
|
||
IMMEDIATELY.</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T SEE HOW ANY TROLL CAN VOTE FOR
|
||
HER IF THEY HEAR WHAT SHE’S PLANNING.</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Have A Feeling That It Would Sway Many
|
||
Non Trolls To Our Campaign As Well</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Hope That There Is At Least One
|
||
Principle We Share As A Planet</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Which Is That We Must All Work To Ensure
|
||
Equal Dignity And Respect For Every Species</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Otherwise</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: What Was This All For</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">The three of them stare at the floor in
|
||
adorably cartoonish synchronicity. What was this all for,
|
||
indeed?</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">That’s a good question. Morality is a cultural
|
||
construct. It’s pure ego for any of them to believe that their
|
||
personal interpretation of it will result in the most effective
|
||
laws.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: you know</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: that might be the magic ticket folks need to
|
||
hear to wake up about this issue</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: would you be willing to say that exactly
|
||
but</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like in front of a huge crowd</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: and also a television crew or six</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OR MAYBE JUST IN FRONT OF JAKE
|
||
ENGLISH?</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Oh Dear Has Jane Recruited Jake</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: That Would Be Disastrous</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: He Is Beloved In The Troll Kingdom For
|
||
His Perky Ass</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: seriously?</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I TOLD YOU IT’S NOT JUST ME!</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: It Has Some Terrible Arcane Power</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Have Never Seen Anything Like It</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: well</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: she doesnt have him yet</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: but jane is one of his best friends so we
|
||
gotta approach this with a scorched earth policy</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: give him a whole cadre of sob stories thatll
|
||
make him feel all manly and heroic for lending his support</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: just gift wrapping babies for him to kiss</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: TROLL BABIES EVEN?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: sure that can be part of the deal he can kiss
|
||
the first natural born grub right on its gooey lil head</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHILE GIVING DOUBLE PISTOLS AND A WINK TO
|
||
THE CAMERA NO DOUBT.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: bam</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats your reelection billboard right
|
||
there</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES
|
||
HERE.</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Of Course Not But This Definitely Has
|
||
Potential</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Have You Spoken To Rose Yet</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: uh no</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: shes</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">Dave mimes laying down and taking pills.
|
||
The look Kanaya gives him is neither fond nor patronizing.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: whats up with that anyway</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: are you guys uh</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: grub pregnant</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">Kanaya keeps staring.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: No</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: its ok if you are we wont tell</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: No</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DON’T YOU DARE DRAG ME INTO THIS GRAVE
|
||
YOU’RE DIGGING FOR YOURSELF.</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: cmon karkat dont you wanna be an uncle to a
|
||
lil bundle of love and unnatural genetic tampering</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: No</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT EVEN GOES ON INSIDE YOUR HEAD THAT
|
||
YOU JUST PRODUCE THIS ENDLESS, GUSHING SPATE OF ATROCIOUS WORD
|
||
GARBAGE EVERY DAY?</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok stop freaking out im just saying from what
|
||
i understand of troll reproduction it would be technically possible
|
||
for a troll and human to</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: No</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: and with ectobiology anythings possible</p>
|
||
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Whatever Put You On This Unfathomable
|
||
Train Of Thought</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: i dunno its just unusual for rose to brush me
|
||
off for our annual ecto sibling oversharing session</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: shes been sick for a while</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: either shes pregnant or i got reasons to be
|
||
worried</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">Kanaya turns her head and bites her lip.
|
||
Her thin fingers clutch at the hem of her shirt. She starts
|
||
flickering a little, like a lightbulb in a heavy storm. The mood in
|
||
here’s just all over the place. Dave, sensing how uncomfortable
|
||
he’s made everything, cranks up the irreverence in his tone. When
|
||
you put a foot in your mouth, shoving it all the way through your
|
||
intestines and pulling it out your ass is a valid tactic, he seems
|
||
to believe.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: id be cool with it yknow</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: bring on the rosemary combo grubs</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Rosemary</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like rose plus your last name which is maryan
|
||
or something right</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Maryam</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah that</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: ergo, rosemary</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: I Hate It</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: the rosemary babies would have her hair and
|
||
your horns or whatever</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: like when two cartoon animals of different
|
||
species give in to their lust and have preposterous children</p>
|
||
<p class="dave">DAVE: fucking adorbs</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Im Going To Call My Wife And You Are
|
||
Going To Stop Talking</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">Her thumb is anxiously tapping on her
|
||
wife’s name in her contacts list. She walks briskly to the other
|
||
side of the cave for privacy, pulling the curtain of her makeshift
|
||
lab shut. At the other side of the cavern, Dave and Karkat bicker
|
||
about what their combo kids would look like, in the event that they
|
||
decided to stop being such laughable wusses and began fornicating
|
||
like two cartoon animals of different species who have given into
|
||
their lust. And the day hell freezes over, maybe their kids could
|
||
even play in the snow.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">Kanaya puts her phone to one ear and her hand to
|
||
the other. Rose’s line rings for a long time. It’s unusual, she
|
||
thinks. Rose rarely leaves her phone unattended. Personally, I
|
||
don’t think it’s odd, because I’m currently watching Rose lying
|
||
unconscious on my workshop floor.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">I’m guessing Kanaya is going to be pretty surprised
|
||
when it’s not her wife who picks up. But she’ll have to deal with
|
||
it, because I’m the one holding the phone, and Rose is in
|
||
absolutely no condition to be having a conversation with anyone.
|
||
Not even her cherished bride.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Hey,</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Sorry, but Rose can’t come to the phone right
|
||
now.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">Kanaya’s voice turns sharp right
|
||
away.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: <em>Excuse Me</em></p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">She can sense that something’s wrong.
|
||
She’s also smart enough, and facile enough in handling questionable men, to understand that she quickly needs to regulate the tone of her voice for diplomatic purposes.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Dirk</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Is That You</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">I don’t answer immediately. I’m
|
||
distracted by something. She really should chill out, anyway. I’ve
|
||
got everything under control. Not that she’ll ever be able to fully
|
||
appreciate this.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Dirk</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Why Are You With Rose</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: <em>What Is Going On</em></p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<p class="no-indent dirk">I don’t have time to explain right now.
|
||
John’s doing something vaguely important to the plot again.</p>
|
||
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: Kanaya, I don’t have time to explain right
|
||
now.</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: John’s doing something vaguely important to
|
||
the plot again.</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: Dirk...</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: What</p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: This is gonna have to wait.</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: <em>Dirk</em></p>
|
||
<p class="dirk">DIRK: I’m putting you on hold, ok?</p>
|
||
<p class="kanaya">KANAYA: <em>DIRK!</em></p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html> |