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<h1>Chapter 30</h1>
<div class="o-story_text o_epilogue type-rg type-sm line-caption line-copy pad-x-0 pad-x-lg pad-b-lg">
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jake">JAKE: Ah chaps dont you love to take a rigorous
jaunt about the wilds first thing in the morning, middle thing in
the day, and last thing in the evening?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">karkat both looks and feels
uncomfortable in his red and gray suit. he is tired from an
afternoon of campaigning in the consort kingdom. jake is jaunting
rigorously, as he put it, up the ridge of the mountain behind his
mansion. every now and then, he pauses to accommodate the pace of
his less limber friends.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jake">JAKE: By jove karkat that you are so winded by such
little activity is truly alarming!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WEVE BEEN HIKING FOR A FUCKING HOUR,
DIPSHIT.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I CAN ALREADY FEEL MY LEGS STARTING TO
LOCK UP. I THINK THEYRE GETTING A HEAD START ON THE RIGOR
MORTIS!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BECAUSE YOURE FUCKING KILLING ME, IS
WHAT IM SAYING. BY MAKING ME HIKE THROUGH NATURE IN A FUCKING
SUIT.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: GREAT WORK EVERYONE. YOULL BE OFFERING
UP A PRE-ASSASSINATED PRESIDENT TO A FRENZIED ELECTORATE. AWESOME
STRATEGY!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Perhaps you need a better calisthenics
routine. I can suggest several alterations to your morning workout
and even give you a lesson or two myself!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MY MORNING WORKOUT??</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I COULDNT THINK OF A MORE OFFENSIVELY
PRESUMPTUOUS PHRASE IF I TRIED.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ALSO, WHAT THE FUCK IS A CALISTHENIC?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IS THAT THE NAME OF YOUR FAN CHERUB??</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">karkats tirade is interrupted
as he trips over a protruding tree root. dave, who has been
cheating on their hike by hovering very slightly off the ground
rather than walking, catches karkat before his face hits the dirt.
he sets his companion upright and continues to guide him with his
hand on his back as he walks, the way an older human does with a
small child who is learning to ride a bicycle.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: hey jake were cool on the whole cardio
program or whatever</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: karkats not really what id call a kinesthetic
learner</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HEY!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I CAN HOLD MY OWN IN A THRESHING MATCH
BETTER THAN 99% OF THE SQUISHY, PLACID HUMAN POPULATION ON THIS
PLANET.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I WAS LITERALLY TRAINING TO BE A COMBAT
SPECIALIST ON ALTERNIA.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: MAYBE WE SHOULD SOMETIMES TRY TO REMEMBER
AND *FUCKING RESPECT* THAT FACT ABOUT ME???</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: hm</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: gonna make another mental note about which
material to avoid when writing your campaign speeches</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: dude is nuts with a sickle</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: can carve a bloody arc through a surrounding
circle of gathered squishy humans</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: watch their guts spill on the floor while he
roars at the sky in honor of his genocidal ancestors</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: were kinda trying to downplay the idea that
trolls are naturally good at violence and shit here?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: hey speaking of which</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: jake you wanna back karkat in this election
or what</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Uhhh...</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">jake spins around in his worn
boots. he bites his lip and looks at the ground.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jake">JAKE: Ah i see. That was your purpose in coming out
here.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: that IS basically the only reason either of
us would waste time climbing a mountain instead of like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: almost perfectly replicating the experience
by checking out sweet stock photos of a mountain on the crockernet
image search while spraying our hive with air freshener or
something</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh hey wait that reminds me</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: isnt it fucked up how jane literally owns the
internet??</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Id never really thought about it i admit.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: its pretty fucked up trust me</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: like she already owns the major method of
information dissemination and now she wants to be the one
ultimately in control of what information gets disseminated</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: do you really think one person should have
all that power</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Hmmmmmmmmm.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THE ANSWER IS NO, IDIOT.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: which is why you should back us and our
campaign</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: our campaign slogan for the purpose of this
conversation only is “hey isnt it cool how were not jane and also
we dont want to own everything”</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: and also... man</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: on a more personal note</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i mean have you even SEEN the shit janes been
saying about you in the media</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">a look of sadness sweeps across
jakes face, but he quickly turns it into a glare of
indignation.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jake">JAKE: Ive seen the shit YOUVE been saying about
HER!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Your poorly optimized billboards about “huge
dunks” on the economy and “neoliberal austerity measures” tumbling
down geometrically improbable staircases have made quite a stir in
the neighborhood.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: These advertisements play at all hours of the
night my good man. One can hardly get a wink of sleep!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah but at least we paid for it out of
campaign dollars instead of spinelessly setting up super pacs to
spew out propaganda for us</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Super pacs??</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh yeah</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: listen to this bullshit</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: so theyre technically expenditure independent
committees meaning they can allocate unlimited funding for...</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">karkat covers daves mouth,
having had the concept of the “super pac” laboriously explained in
his presence more than once. in his estimation, there are few
individuals on this world who would benefit less from an in-depth
discussion of political financing procedure than jake english.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: LOOK, DAVE. JAKE REALLY DOESNT CARE WHAT
A SUPER PAC IS.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I DONT THINK ANYONE CARES ABOUT FUCKING
SUPER PACS??</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I KNOW YOU PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO YOUR
SPIEL ABOUT IT, ESPECIALLY THE RAPPED SEQUENCE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT YOURE NEVER GOING TO GET ANYBODY TO
GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THIS STUFF MAN, IM SORRY.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: mmff noomph</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JAKE, THE POINT IS THIS.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JANE IS HAVING YOU SMEARED
INDIRECTLY.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Well that would be the way to do it i suppose
if you wished to keep clean hands in an inherently dirty
business.</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave peels karkats hand off his
mouth, and bumps him away with his hip, so that he may continue
saying things he regards as terribly important for others to
hear.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok but thats partially my point</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: were doing all our propaganda in house
instead of outsourcing to unscrupulous shadow networks with deep
money pockets</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: what does that mean</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AS MUCH AS I APPRECIATE YOUR “ARTISTIC
VISION” DAVE, I THINK THAT YOUR POLITICAL ADS ARE LARGELY GOING
OVER PEOPLES HEADS.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THEYRE KIND OF...</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: bold?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh you mean avant garde</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: well yeah</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: everyone knows that</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NOT REALLY HOW I WOULD PUT IT EITHER.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: nuanced</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: oh wait</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: visionary</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you think theyre visionary as fuck</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok yeah you got me</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: im a forward thinker karkat</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: this is just what life is like in the dave
lane</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: buckle the fuck up</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IM GOING TO SAY THIS FOR THE LAST
TIME.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF IS ABSOLUTELY
HORRENDOUS SUBJECT MATTER FOR PRODUCING CAMPAIGN ADS!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK YOURE TALKING
ABOUT, OR WHAT POINTS YOURE TRYING TO MAKE!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah its awesome</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOURE WASTING CAMPAIGN MONEY!!!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: were fucking trillionaires dude</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">as the vantas campaign bickers
internally, jake becomes pensive, thoughtful. he kicks a rock over
the edge of the trail and watches it bounce down the mountain with
a baleful expression.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jake">JAKE: Willickers dave has anyone ever told you that
you have an uncanny talent for cutting straight and incisively to
the point without sweating any of the bullshit.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Youre rather like dirk in that way
actually.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: i... what</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: HAHAHA. *DAVE* IS GOOD AT CUTTING THROUGH
*BULLSHIT*??</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: STRIDER IS A FOG MACHINE OF *PURE*
BULLSHIT.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THERE IS NOTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HIS
MOUTH THAT IS *NOT BULLSHIT*.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats basically true</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AND IM PRETTY SURE DIRK MIGHT BE EVEN
WORSE?!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah pretty much</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SORRY JAKE. I KNOW WERE SOLICITING YOU
FOR THE SWAY YOUR HOT POPULAR ASS HAS OVER THE PEOPLE, AND NOT
EXACTLY YOUR BRAINPOWER, SO MAYBE THIS IS SOMEWHAT UNFAIR,
BUT...</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT MAY HAVE BEEN THE WORST TAKE IVE
EVER FUCKING HEARD IN MY LIFE?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: whoa chill out man</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: remember were trying to woo this guy onto our
side</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: can you maybe go at least a solid minute
without forgetting youre a fuckin politician now?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: that means you should try not to insult
everybody you meet multiple times per sentence</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK!!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH, I KNOW.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IM FUCKING SORRY JAKE. FOR IMPLYING THAT
YOU HAVE SLIGHTLY LESS CEREBRAL PROCESSING POWER THAN THE SWEATY
WEDGIE THIS FUCKING SUIT IS GIVING MY THROBBING, HIKE-SORE ASS.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: hmm</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: nope that still sucks</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you suck dude</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH, WELL CHEW ON THIS, “MASTER
STRATEGIST.” MAYBE YOU TELLING ME I SUCK IS ACTUALLY THE SMARTEST
THING YOUVE EVER FUCKING SAID!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Gentlemen!!!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Jeepers fucking christmas.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: I was just trying to pay mr strider a
gracious compliment not every little pleasantry need be taken with
such blasted literalism!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: And i appreciate that youre trying to sway my
political favor into your bungalow with a bit of the old elbow
grease and cajolery even if your methods are wont to veer into full
throated invective in virtually every single exchange no matter how
harmless the topic.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: And i truly mean it when i say i DO
appreciate the effort. Both at the brownnosing as well as the
dubious restraint when it comes to impugning my noodle.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: But all this is adding up to make me
wonder...</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">jake slices a hand through the
air, determined to display his newfound autonomy. its growing by
the minute now that his thought process has been severed from the
princes grip. an old confidence fills him as he continues to
speak, a feeling of inner freedom he hasnt enjoyed in some
time.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jake">JAKE: Why should i side with either of you?</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Flattery is all well and good but i hardly
think i would bother casting my knickers in with anyones lot based
on the quality of praise or for that matter withholding them due to
having my ego bruised from a verbal drubbing.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Im not entirely ignorant of the rules of this
jamboree. I understand that whoever i endorse will have a good
chance of winning on nothing but my good word.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: So why should i trust ANYONE trying to win my
favor right now? Do you have ANY case to make which does not
involve glowing accounts of my muscular bottom???</p>
</div>
<p>I know it seems like an objectively good thing from some pithy
moral standpoint to let everyone in this little drama Janes cooked
up make their “own decisions,” but trust me: Jake isnt thinking
for himself any more than he was while being indirectly controlled.
Everything hes thinking and feeling right now is merely reactive.
Hes like a mostly dead bug twitching around on the last of its
hemolymph after getting its head cut off. Under my guidance, he was
like an ant being influenced by the cordyceps fungus. You cant
really call one of these “better” than the other, but at least the
latter is being directed toward some greater purpose.</p>
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">for a moment, jake thinks he
hears something. a miniscule voice, prattling along vaingloriously.
but he realizes its only a tiny insect buzzing about his ear. a
gnat-like presence of absolutely no consequence. he simply waves it
away.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="dave">DAVE: ok yeah we can do that</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: you mean like</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: an actual pitch?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: on policy or shit</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: or vision for the world</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: we can set you up bro</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: or i mean this guy can</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: thats what he was made for</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: born fuckin leader right here</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: take it away man</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: our boy jake here wants to be goddamn
dazzled</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">dave grins and affectionately
taps karkat on the head with his knuckles.</p>
<p class="calliope-dead">karkat unwinds from daves loose embrace,
takes a deep breath, and clambers up the ridge to speak with jake
in a more personable proximity. he has learned new methods for
connecting with others on the campaign trail. how to speak broadly,
with sweeping conviction, and yet create a sense of intimacy when
addressing an individual. he has learned to come across as one who
was once a leader, and could be again.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: LOOK, JAKE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IM NOT GOING TO TRY TO SELL YOU SOME
LUDICROUS STORY ABOUT HOW IM THE BEST CANDIDATE EARTH C HAS EVER
SEEN OR ANYTHING.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IM NOT GOING TO BE THAT ARROGANT,
ESPECIALLY SINCE MY ARM HAD TO BE TWISTED RIGHT OUT OF ITS SOCKET
TO GET ME TO EVEN RUN.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT AT LEAST WERE NOT HIDING OUR
INTENTIONS.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: AT THIS POINT, ITS NOT A POLICY BEEF
THAT I HAVE WITH JANE CROCKER.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: yeah im the one with the policy beef</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: corporate welfare destroys public
infrastructure</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SHUT UP, IM TALKING.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: word</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WERE STILL LIVING ON AN INCREDIBLY YOUNG
PLANET. LETS BE REAL. EVERY PRESIDENT UP UNTIL NOW HAS JUST BEEN
SOME BOZO BASICALLY PLAYACTING AT BEING IN CHARGE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BECAUSE THIS WHOLE TIME EVERYONES BEEN
HOLDING THEIR BREATH WAITING FOR ONE OF *US* TO RUN.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHOEVER WINS, ME OR JANE, WILL SET THE
TONE FOR SUBSEQUENT ADMINISTRATIONS FOR WHO KNOWS HOW FUCKING
LONG.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: ITS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT JANE WILL
PROVE TO BE A COMPETENT PRESIDENT. I HAVE NO DOUBTS ON HER
ADMINISTRATIVE ACUMEN, CONSIDERING THATS PROBABLY THE ONLY FUCKING
THING SHE HAS GOING FOR HER, BESIDES A SERIES OF PHYSICAL
ATTRIBUTES WHICH I KEEP BEING TOLD ARENT TOO HARD ON THE EYES, BUT
FRANKLY, I STILL DONT KNOW IF IM SEEING IT?</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I MEAN, SHES LIKE... *ALRIGHT*? I
FUCKING *GUESS*??</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Now lets not be too unfair old chap...</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: I THINK IM ALLOWED TO BE *UNFAIR* WHEN
SHES HOLDING THE REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS OF MY ENTIRE SPECIES
HOSTAGE.</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Ah. Point well met.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: JAKE, SHE WILL SET A HORRIBLE
PRECEDENT.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: SHES INDIRECT. SHES PRIVILEGED. SHES
CONCERNED WITH HOW THINGS *LOOK* RATHER THAN HOW THINGS *ARE*.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: NO MATTER HOW NICE SHE WAS WHEN YOU WERE
KIDS, HER DEDICATION TO THE APPEARANCE OF THAT “NICENESS” HAS
ALREADY LED HER DOWN A PATH OF CORRUPTION AND DUPLICITY.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: BECAUSE WHEN YOU LIVE INSIDE A SKIN
THATS A LIE, YOULL EITHER GROW TO FIT IT, OR COLLAPSE UNDER THE
UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF YOUR OWN SHIT-SPEWING COGNITIVE
DISSONANCE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: TRUST ME, I FUCKING KNOW, BECAUSE I USED
TO SPEW AN UNTOLD AMOUNT OF SHIT.</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: (yeah... “used to”)</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DUDE!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: GET OFF MY BULGE.</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU WANTED ME TO SPIN SOME FUCKING GOLD?
TO BUST OUT THE *GOOD SHIT*??</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: THERE! I SAID IT! THAT WAS THE ***GOOD
SHIT***!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: IM DONE! I DID MY THING! THIS MINCING
HALFWIT IN THE TINY SHORTS CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS
NOW!</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: (no no that was good man)</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: (i was just messin with you)</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: (great job dude i love it)</p>
</div>
<p class="no-indent calliope-dead">jake chews on these remarks for
a minute. he loves jane and dirk dearly. he has loved both of them
for years, on and off, in multiple fashions and configurations, in
accordance with the human understanding of this feeling. he thinks
it could break janes heart were he to oppose her. and yet, hasnt
she fired the first shot by broadcasting such scandalous things
about him in the media? and it was so soon after theyd nearly had
an intimate reconciliation. the more he thinks on it, the more jake
struggles to believe in the sincerity behind janes friendship with
him.</p>
<p class="calliope-dead">and the prince?</p>
<p class="calliope-dead">dirk, as he knows him, hasnt been given
much thought by jake recently. jake has been savoring the fruits of
a mental liberation he is barely aware of, let alone capable of
comprehending. when he considers crossing dirk, hes not afraid of
making him angry or hurting his feelings. hes simply always wanted
to avoid disappointing him. and yet, with the cognitive cloud of
dirks influence dispelled, jake now cannot shake the feeling that
the best course of action would be the one that asserts the most
independence from dirk, disappointment be damned.</p>
<p class="calliope-dead">and to whatever extent the prince intends
to put jakes life in jeopardy, for now, his agency remains safely
obscured from his sniper sight.</p>
<div class="chat type-rg type-hs-small">
<p class="jake">JAKE: Well dash my wig!</p>
<p class="jake">JAKE: Ill do it!</p>
<p class="karkat">KARKAT: DASH YOUR WHAT?</p>
<p class="dave">DAVE: fuck yeah</p>
</div>
</div>
</div>
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